They Lived Happily Every After...or, detoxing from residency

[Flynn]

I've been bugging myself to start this for over a month now and I just don't know where to start. So I will start where I start which is another way of saying this will be pretty boring and tangental for a while.

How do you reflect on nine years? How do you reflect on residency as a whole? How do you describe how the bitterness you have lived with on and off for so many years is just...gone? It's all just a little overwhelming, confusing, and surreal...in a pretty great, "Oh this is how other people live" kind of way.

I met DH when he was just starting his second year of med. school. We dated, I moved away (NEVER to return to live in the midwest...yeah, right ) he matched where I lived and LOVED to be (the NW) and we were engaged during his intern year. That's the short version but you get the idea.

During the nine years of training we bought a house, added our faithful Labrador and two pretty great kids to the mix. I stopped teaching to stay home with the kids, we matched in a competetive fellowship in our same location and then POOF, we were done. Our whole marriage (all 8 years) has happened during training. I've never been married and NOT had a husband who was a resident or a fellow. It's just wacky, and after a little over three months to get used to it, I can say the change is fantastic. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders and all the bitterness and stress is ....gone. Pardon the cleche but I can "exhale" now and really mean it. I'm sleeping better than I have in YEARS.

The flip side is we had to move which has been pretty sad for me. I miss my home and my love for the NW is stronger than ever. I miss being two blocks away from my amazing parents and the best grandparents to my kids I could have ever hoped for. I miss my friends, the bustle of a city suburb, and how you can always find another fun mom to hang out with. I miss our amazing zoo where my kids have gone about three times a month since they were born. We have basically watched the baby elephant Hansa grow up there. I miss all the fun indoor places for kids a bit city has -- museums, fun play areas in malls, great toy stores....I miss how you can always meet someone new at the public parks and walking to everyday places is possible. I used my stroller a TON back home and here (midwest) you have to drive just about everywhere. I don't miss the traffic or the cost of housing however....so I do realize every place has its pros and cons.

Moving and taking this particular job has allowed DH to have a life outside of the hospital. They wanted to pay us more for DH to work less. That's really hard to turn down in a place with great schools that is pretty family friendly. Here we could afford to build a house and will move in sometime before Christmas. Our lot is .68 of an acre and will have three guest rooms. Our thought was we really want people to visit and be comfortable so it just worked out that way. If people don't visit us, it will make things that much harder socially.

When people ask what I'm doing now that DH has reasonable hours, I have to think because most of it has had to do with the house. It's a huge responsibility to choose things, get estimates, sign orders etc. That's really my hobby right now. It's embarassing how fun all the little details are to me. I was on a high for days after picking out our slab granite countertops for the kitchen. When I talked to the cabinet guy who works for our builder I showed him my "dream kitchen" from "Trends" magazine. I told him we could "knock off the look of this kitchen." After crunching the numbers he was wondering where I wanted to cut corners since it was all "in the budget." Um, yeah, that was a little shocking -- in a completely fabulous way of course!

I think DH and I have done a good job transitioning from never seeing eachother to "hi what's for dinner" almost every night. It's been pretty smooth. I was a little concerned it would be more difficult for us. What do ya know, we do have a pretty strong marriage regardless of our power struggles and past harsh words to each other. 8)

Residency is no way to live but I have learned these past months that it DOES end. It seems that all the past arguments have allowed us to be in a good place now. We eventually learned what "our rules for fighting during residency" were and the last couple of years of training we were pretty good at not taking cheap shots and hitting below the belt for the sake of shock value. Some of the struggles we had have allowed us to be happier now. Amazing. I give a lot of credit to DH. I think medicine really fosters the "me me me me" attitude and DH made a conscious choice to be a better husband and father about three years ago. It's helped so much.

I'm NOT ready to say "it was all worth it." My memory is long and like a steel trap for some things....so I'll wait awhile and see what I think.

For now things are good. I need some friends I can be "me" around but that would take time no matter where we lived. I'm on the "outgoing" side of things but I definitely don't "click" with everyone.

My parents are coming for their first visit this week. They wanted to come for the kids' birthdays but my mom had knee surgery so it wasn't in the cards. They will get to stay for Halloween and walk around with "Belle" and "Buzz Lightyear." Hopefully it will be in the 40s -- I can dream!

I send a big hug to everyone still in the trenches. I am living proof that residency DOES end.

[Flynn]

So we've been officially "moved" for over two months now. I can't wait to move into a neighborhood and MY HOUSE!!!!!! I think socially that will be a huge key in making this place feel like home.

Today we needed a few things so off we went to one of the few department stores here -- Younkers. I've never been to a Younkers -- it looks hideous from the outside but it was okay inside. I can see getting some things on sale there -- they do sell some women's shoes I like -- Bjorn, and Clarks to name a few. The kitchen small applicances are okay and they have "Carters kids" clothes so that's a plus. I guess my expectations were so low it turned out to be a pleasant surprise. A few more things I won't have to get exclusively online. I'd rather not pay for shipping if I don't have to!

The house is coming along and we should get in before Christmas. I'll believe it when I see it, but I still am hopeful. The interior paint is done now so the next steps this coming week are trim and cabinetry. This will change things a great deal and I'm excited to see how everything looks!!!
DH's mom and sister (plus fam) are coming Dec. 28th which makes me a little nervous about being prepared. I had serious reservations about this holiday season having guests but DH was insistent so we decided on after Christmas for their first visit. Yeah, we'll be ready for guests by then. I bet we move in on the 23rd or something silly like that. Oh well there's nothing I can do about it so just grin and make them put their own sheets on as they come out of the dryer! 8) Unlike some people who come to this site my MIL is okay. She's harmlessly annoying and to quote Matt, "needs a swat on the nose from time to time" but generally is fine. She's going to really try and say something polite when she sees my butler's pantry is a cranberry color....her colors she likes were basically "IN" in 1985 -- she LOVES mauve, royal blue, pink, true orange, fushia...bright colors. This cranberry has a lot of brown in it and looks great with the dining room IMO -- but that's me!

I still have to select hardware (knobs and drawer pulls) for all the bathrooms and kitchen, but other than that, 99% of all decisions are done.

Getting some of these products has been interesting!! You think you pick stuff out in plenty of time, the builder pays for it and it's done --- NOPE!! Orders are late or not made correctly and things get lost in the shuffle. The places where you buy the products are essentially retail places where customer service doesn't necessarily come with the transaction. DH finally got on the phone with the tile guy and the person in charge of ordering our product and told them to stop bickering and WORK IT OUT. If not, he'd trash both of their businesses when people asked how our experience was...(tiley guy said he didn't have enough product, retail bimbo said he measured the space so it was HIS fault)

On the up side the builders we chose have been awesome. They are building a house that is both well done and of course I think is very attractive.

My parents were out here a week ago ( I had a hard time when they left) and my mom and I chose most of our towels -- or at least enough to get us through the first wave of visitors. It was fun, there was a sale, and we had a ball. It is such a treat to look at the price of the towels, be happy we saved 40%, and still the transaction was over $300.00 and not bat an eye. I love that. The extra bathrooms (other than the kids bath) will have chocolate brown, cream, and taupe towels...the master bath will have a smokey blue (not quite a periwinkle) and taupe towels.

On the marriage front DH and I have sucessfully worked through a few "issues" with regard to our relationship and moving forward and OUT of survival mode. We're doing great -- I just am not quite sure how we get to "doing exceptional." It's hard to put your finger on it, you know? We both agree that dating again is a great way to start "getting to know each other all over again." Part of my impatience is my lack of socail outlets here so far. I've done everything I can and yet making friends is a slow process. In time things will be better but until then I think I stress about things that wouldn't be that big of a deal if I had some other adults in my life. Oh, we also are going to be our "own book club." We'll pick a book and read it together -- then have dinner to talk about it. If I want to read a book then I choose the next one and we'll rotate. I'm sure it sounds cheesy but we're TRYING!!!! C'MON!!!! 8)

DH's job is still going well. He met with the marketing department about advertising minimally invasive lung surgery. I guess nobody does it in this state outside of the cities.

He's run into a few surprises here with regard to the job -- lung cancer is not "staged (1-5)" but rather discusses as advanced or not advanced...it boggles the mind because staging is SO important to diagnose accurate treatment AND if the cancer can be taken out.

Also, he's rounded on his patients not infrequently where his notes on the chart (NO MORE LABS NEEDED -- for example) are ignored or not read and a Family Practice doc orders more labs. There are so many docs involved in the treatment of patients here and it's a plus on so many levels. The flip side though is everyone feels they "have a roll" to play in post-operative patients when they really should defer to the surgeon -- or at least consult the surgeon before writing orders. I think part of this is the smaller community medicine aspect of this particular job and part of it is private practice. The good news is that the nurses, PAs and support staff call the surgeons if there is a major question and they are in the loop. At a University program I cannot FATHOM what would happen to an enthusiastic FP doc who wrote orders on a post-operative patient that were different from the surgeon's notes. The phrase "heads would roll" comes to mind. DH is going to tiptoe through this carefully so as not to offend but be very clear that he will manage his patients while they are in the hospital from an operation HE performed. Maybe other surgeons at this hospital don't want to be that involved??? I am curious how this aspect of the job will play out. 8)

The kids and I were going to do an almost spur of the moment trip home for Thanksgiving but I'm not ready to be back so soon. We'd stay with my parents and our old house is two blocks away. DD actually said she'd like to wait and go another time too. She's only four but said that moving was tiring and sad at times and if we took a trip so soon she'd feel like "she moved again all over." My insight is trumped by my four year old. Gotta love it.

I'll end with a few words on my kids. I adore them. From their heads to their toenails -- they just tickle me. DD is so verbal and explains herself so well I forget at times she's only four. Her pre-school teacher pulled me aside and asked me if there was a typo on her records (oh crap was what I thought -- I goofed again!) because it stated that she is turing four instead of five. I explained it was accurate and DD has always been ahead of the game verbally. Pre-school teacher smiled and said while that may be true, I was wondering if she wasn't ready for kindergarted THIS year?? She added that now as she thinks back, educationally she's ready for kindergarten but emotionally she still does operate like a pre-school kid does -- and she meant that in a good way. So my girl is growing up, learning like a sponge and only is a handful when she's tired or hungry (god forbid she's every BOTH at the same time -- I shudder at the power this little girl has when she scowls and stamps her feet!!!!! )!

DS is SO DIFFERENT from his sister and of course in my eyes, equally as fantastic. His verbal skills are off the charts too which surprises me being a boy, second born, and has a sister who uses adjectives like "prefer, blissful, fanciful, and satisfactory." I thought we might be in the two word sentences for a while but that is definitely not the case. He's been speaking in full sentences for over three months now and the other day he told me "not to interrupt ME." I cracked up so hard I almost dropped him. If "happy" could be described by being a person, his picture would be in the dictionary next to that word. He is Joy. I am so glad he lets me kiss him a million times a day!!!!

Right now my kids are "pals." Maybe it's because we moved and maybe it's just a lucky stage we're in. Maybe they'll be that way for life. I was three and a half years older than my sister and that was a significant amount for a long time. My kids are 24 months apart and I love it when they play together well -- which is most of the time.

Okay this is WAY longer than I thought it would be but you can always skim it!!!!

Until next time.....

[Flynn]

Hopefully this will work.

Here are some pictures of the house we are building and/or choices of what is to go inside.


Here is the house from the street. Keep in mind it's not finished and the front door still needs some trimmings!







Here is our dining room light over the table:

[Flynn]

Here's the trim that I'm so happy with.
The pictures aren't great but you get the idea.

[Flynn]

I think a monster has been created...






Okay...I'm DONE!!

[Flynn]

a good day

Today is DD's first parent-teacher conference and DH can be there! It's only pre-school and I know she's doing really well...but it's exciting. We chose this job so DH could come to these things and it's nice to know so far our instincts were right.

It's been so nice to go about my daily life and not be bitter anymore. I didn't intend to be bitter. In hind sight I had my moments of bliss -- but then DH would be gone for weeks at a time and I would get so tired of taking care of everything.

I'm so glad we're done.

[Flynn]

It's interesting to me who has kept in touch since we've moved and who hasn't made any attempts to communicate. With the time change, calling is a little harder than usual. Basically if people don't use email (who can live without email?) I haven't talked to them in a long time.

I can't really comprehend yet how different our lives are since training has ended. My whole world has a different feel. It's completely different -- in a good way.

Today we will have Kindermusik in the evening and then meet DH at the house for a walk through -- then dinner. DD is getting excited to move into her pink room and DS loves that his room is blue and orange (no it's NOT Broncos colors ).

This weekend we will be visiting some friends about three hours away. The guy has been DH's friend since Jr. High and was the best man in our wedding. It should be fun.

[Flynn]

So our "move in date" is officially the 21st of December. I'll believe it when I see it but it is exciting. There were a few people working on our house over the Turkey break -- nothing like a set deadline to get people moving.

We spent Thanksgiving at another docs house. He and his wife are not surgeons but they are both docs so they've had some things to balance along the way like we have. It was fun to talk to them about their journey through medicine. They have three kids and their oldest is a month older than DD. They had some family there too who were all very gracious to us and we just had a great time. It was fun and so nice not to be alone for the holiday. They recently built a house (two years ago) with the same builder we're using so it was fun for all of us to chat about that and take a tour. They have a beautiful house. Very different from ours but well done and extremely comfortable.

Here are some of the latest pics. I've always wanted a taupe colored house with white trim and black doors. I have no idea why!!??






This next photo is of the coffered ceiling in the great room. The hardwoods will be this dark chocolate color as well.









Here are our interior doors. They will be white with oil rubbed bronze knobs and hinges.



This picture is our master bathroom counter top.


Here is our powder room faucet.



Dining room sconce

We're starting to pack up what little we brought to the rental. If all goes well I will get to have coffee Christmas day in our new space with DH in attendance from beginning to end!!! He's completely off for about 6 days during this holiday.

[Flynn]

I need to vent about something I don't fully understand. (who me, vent??? )

The last few months I've been peppered with questions about surgical residency. Some came from personal friends, family members, friends of friends, people on this site...you name it, they've asked.

• Is it worth it?
  Is surgical residency as hard as people say it is?
  Would you do it again?

...and on and on and on.


I haven't figured out what the "correct" response is. It seems that some people want to know "what you really think" -- but then they ask follow up questions to really evaluate that you did mean what you said.

The theme with all of these conversations is that I MUST be exaggerating because otherwise the lifestyle is inhuman. (Ya think? ) This is extremely frustrating and insulting. I get this response whether I am completely honest or very tempered (aka LYING). I preface all of these conversations with "this was my experience" and "DH went through a tough program" etc.

Even when talking about factual questions -- factual to me that is -- I've been surprised what people say. If I give an average of time DH spent at home per week during a good rotation they look at me like I'm nuts -- or if it's in an email I get things like "are you sure you meant X and it wasn't a typo?"

During one dialogue I asked the person, "what is it you WANT me to say so I can see if it was true for me?"

I'm not a "blow sunshine for the sake of" kind of person. I don't think it's productive to gloss over things to make it sound better than it was. On the flip side "going off" and really VENTING isn't a good plan either because even if you are telling the truth -- people think you're a raving looney. I get that. I have tried SO HARD to explain to people that it is a challenging life, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, DH really NEEDED to do surgery, and think hard before you CHOOSE to do a surgical residency. End of story.

If I REALLY showed my true colors about how I feel....heaven help me....but like I said, that just isn't productive.


I guess my new theme when I get these questions will be:
DON'T PATRONIZE THE MESSENGER.

I mean c'mon...if someone can't handle the answer why am I the problem? I'm just ONE person and that was MY experience.

It also COMPLETELY pisses me off that some people who have never lived a day in this life think it's okay to tell me (in a round about way) I must be mistaken -- or the even better response is that they are tougher and more supportive than I am so my challenges won't be theirs.

EXCUSE ME????? You try this life for NINE years and see how you feel about a surgical residency. C'mon. I DARE YOU. Pretty please?

I need a PR representative to give pat statements that really don't SAY anything.

[Flynn]

So instead of being frustrated about what I cannot control (see my last blog) I will be blissful about what I can control -- ie THE HOUSE.

Nothing like a little "decorating therapy" to help you through the day.

The kitchen cabinets are being installed. They look wonderful. I went out to the workshop to "approve" a paint color for the Butler's Pantry and was able to see all the remaining cabinetry. I'm very pleased. The laundry room and basement bathroom will have a light honey stain. The main floor bath and master bath will have a deep coffee brown stain. The kids' bath and kitchen are white. The hardwoods are going in at the same time the cabinets are being installed and the tile is getting finished up this week.

Here are a few more pictures:

Master bath



hardwoods




Here is the kids' bath. Obviously it still needs some grout but it's a start!

[Flynn]

DH came home last night with the news that the PA the department shares, is leaving. He and his new wife have been here for um....3 big months. Apparently she has never been away from her home town and the move has been horrible for her.

Um, couldn't you guys have thought of this BEFORE you moved? It's not as if they are young and "green" or anything. They are about ten years older than DH and I and this is a second marriage. The major bummer is that the PA was good, experienced, and worked hard. It might take a while to find someone #1 and find someone good #2. We'll have to see how this changes things. DH's hours are fantastic -- no complaints here -- so if he has to work a little longer until they find someone it won't be that big of a deal (I hope! ).

On a different note, tonight we are going on "The Polar Express"! It's ten dollars a seat, you get on the train in a local shopping place -- ride the train to a destination that is all decorated and Santa is there. After hot chocolate and cookies are passed out, Santa reads The Polar Express and we all get on the train and go back. Every parent I have talked to said this is a big hit with their kids so we are excited to give it a try! The train leaves at 5:45 this evening and there is no problem with DH going too!!! It's so much more fun to do all the holiday stuff WITH him instead of explaining it to him on the phone or a couple of days later. The idea of having him around is still "special" and feels "new." Last year the kids' Santa picture happened with DH in attendance -- thanks to the Quad Mocha!

This holiday is going to be a little crazy for us. We start moving on the 21st and have some friends driving up to help out! We spend our first night in our new house on the 22nd, Xmas is on the 25th, MIL comes the 26th, and SIL and family is coming the 27th. January 2nd MIL and SIL leave and MY sister and her friend come for a couple of days. PHEW. It won't be boring! DH has a lot of time off for the move and the holiday but it's no problem. His partner went out of town for Thanksgiving and more than willing to return the favor. She's just too good to be true sometimes!

All in all I'm not too worried about all the logistics. We're very fortunate to have these types of things to coordinate. If things don't go according to the plan, we'll punt. No biggie.

[Flynn]

So we had "the talk" about how things have gotten a bit out of hand with the holidays, moving AND DH insisting on guests right away. This is one time I tried to be optimisic about how things would all work out and it came back to bite me in the butt. Sigh.

If I had five bucks for everytime I was right and DH was wrong about (things outside of medicine), our kids could go to Stanford tomorrow.

So we talked about who is going to do what. DH was assigned to online shop for everyone. I had lists and sites all ready for him. One hour later he was done with two people. "THIS TAKES FOREVER" says ding bat dck. No S*&t sherlock. Try doing this every year with no help from you.

Building this house has gone very smoothly between the two of us so we aren't raw from that experience. We've agreed on everything or let the other person pick what happens if they feel strongly about it.

DH is going to have light weeks and a lot of time off so we'll see how obnoxious this all gets.

[Flynn]

We have appliances!!!! WHOOO HOOO! :ra: :ra: :ra: :ra:

The cabinets are 95% in and they look smashing. I'm so excited!

Here's one view of the kitchen/island....
It looks like the lights are off center because it's not completely done yet. The far right of the island will be a small eating area for two.



Off to get DD from pre-school...more later!

[Flynn]

I had a playdate recently with some very nice moms. I had a great time. My kids had fun and the other kids there were very sweet and well behaved.

During our chatting it came up how one mom was 25 (with a two year old) and the other mom was 29 (with a 4 year old and 2 year old). Have I mentioned that in this new location people start families a little earlier than where I used to live??

I'll be 36 in April...I was on the "younger" side of having a young family when we lived in a major city in the PNW.

These women are great and it certainly won't hinder developing a deeper friendship. I'm just noticing differences between there and here. ops
On the up side they both thought I was 31. 8)

[Flynn]

Well this is it, the week we MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm feeling fine about it. What will be, will be.

The house is looking just fantastic. I feel VERY lucky.

Last night we went to the Nutcracker locally. It certainly was NOT the PNB quality -- but DD had a blast and that's what matters. Add to the mix we parked for 3 bucks, checked our coats and retrieved them in less than 5 minutes and left the parking garage in less than ten minutes and it was a huge success.

The cherry on top was when we went out to dinner and the "featured" ballerina walked into the same place and DD was able to talk to her and ask her "where her pink Tutu, crown and sparkles were???" A pefect outing. The dancer was extremely gracious. We had a ball.