what led you to have children WHEN you did?

[SuzySunshine]

Yes, that would freak me out too and I don't think people should try before they're ready unless they have proven reasons, like Heidi, but I also think we should be aware that infertility is more normal then people think. No one teaches us that, everyone teaches us that we can pregnant as soon as we go off the pill, we hear more about women who get pg the first month off or who get pg b/c they weren't taking the pill properly. We seem to have a head in the sand mentality when it comes to infertility and I'm really curious to know why.

hijak over, I promise.

[alison]

These are very interesting!

We're waiting until I'm close to done or completely done with my dissertation, and when dh is closer to done with his residency. We'll probably start trying towards the end of this year, or early 2008. It feels very early for both of us even though we'll both be 29, and I honestly think children would be a great (but not completely necessary) addition to our family.

I'm willing to give up a career in academia to be around for my kid(s), but that isn't to say that it didn't take me awhile to come to that decision.

I have a theory that women with serious careers they wish to continue are generally best served by having kids: 1) early in grad/med/business school where schedules are flexible if very busy and kids will be in school by the time mom wants to start first job or if mom wants to wait longer she can still launch a full-fledged career in late twenties or early thirties; OR 2) much later, once she is relatively well-established in a job she is happy with (i.e., not planning a major job or career change).

Unfortunately, the basic socio-emotional & biological timing is that many women have kids during the worst time possible career-wise: during their first serious job or right before their first job. Of course, biologially this is prime time for having kids. So, the woman is in job #1 (which almost by definition sucks, its a 5-10 year process minimium to build your skills and cast about to find the ideal job) and she is not established enough that her employer is willing to go the full nine yards to accomodate her. So, she ends up leaving the work force, often for good, because she can't get the flexibility and/or staying at home looks great compared to the "paying your dues" lack of autonomy of first job or early career path.

Anyway, I have chosen gate #2 because I really was not ready to have a baby when I was 23. However, now that I am 33 and settled in my career, I am a little scared about fertility issues. We have been trying for four months - - and I don't mean normal trying, I mean type-A woman with ovulation predictor kits, computerized fertility calenders trying - - and nothing yet. I am starting to worry . . .

In my mind there is a very nasty Biology versus Work issue that trips up women - - give up on major career advancement or run the risk of fertility problems. Too bad we cannot get pregnant and choose to freeze gestation for a couple of years like kangaroos.

[DCJenn]

Sharon-

The first thing they're going to tell you is to relax. and stop being Type-A!
We did all that crap and it was totally unrelated to the actual problem. If you looked at my charts you'd think that I was fertile myrtle waiting to happen.

My point is- if you're concerned, getting wrapped up in the kinds of things you can do from home isn't going to give you any answers. Go to the on/gyn and have them start doing the basic batteries of tests and go from there. Sometimes the simple Clomid push test gives you all the information they're going to need.

In my case it was the HSG (dye test) that confirmed what we already knew. The HSG is a test of last resort.

Jenn

[houseelf]

We're in Annie's camp of just jumping in. Our planning has consisted of, "Hey do ya wanna have kids?" and boom before we fully thought about the consequences, we were registering for baby gifts. No regrets for either of us thought. These two people were the best thing to ever happen to us.

Kelly

[alison]

Well put, sms.
I wasn't about to have a kid early on in grad school. No way. There are some women in my department who have kids and there's a lot of resentment towards them. And resentment towards the junior faculty who have young ones. We can do no right here!

[houseelf]

We're in Annie's camp of just jumping in. Our planning has consisted of, "Hey do ya wanna have kids?" and boom before we fully thought about the consequences, we were registering for baby gifts. No regrets for either of us thought. These two people were the best thing to ever happen to us.

With this being said, I don't think that you can really know what its like until you do it. Even if someone gave me advice, I'd probably disregard it and think, "Maybe that will happen to you". Ah, the arrogance of youth.

Kelly

Like Julie, I have always loved babies and did a lot of babysitting from jr high through college. Among my friends, I was on the younger side for having my first at 26. Similar to Annie's experience, I was surprised by how fast "thinking about it" turned into pregnant. In fact, shortly before finding out I was pregnant, I bought a case of wine and a new snowboard.

As someone else mentioned, the timing of child-bearing is hard to fit in with a career. I don't think I realized the extent of that. No regrets though as I think that finding family-friendly work led me in a direction I might not have gone otherwise that I really liked (most of the time ), and was lucrative for the hours I put in.

Geez for as much as I am planner...I missed some big things here. I was so caught up with having the *first* child that I didn't give much thought to subsequent children, how many years apart between them, and what our lives would be like with DH's career (pre-derm). I guess that worked out as well because my wonderful but intense first child kept me so occupied that I couldn't even contemplate having another until she was 2 1/2.

There are always surprises along the way with these life decisions. Now I am leaving the child-bearing phase of my life which is much much harder to deal with than I ever imagined.

[Malpka]

I think it was margaritas on Cinco de Mayo that led to the first one. After that, we just sort of started taking them as they came

[SuzySunshine]

The HSG is a test of last resort.

Actually not anymore, if blood tests come back normally and you've been trying consistently for a while the HSG is done more than it used to be. As it should be.

:!

[Sheherezade]

We planned ours without any concept of what we were planning. I am a perfect example of your theories, sms. I was done with grad school, ready to take a "pay your dues" type position with DH in grad school. It just didn't add up. (Factoring in that the "pay your dues" position was a research post doc paying 17 K a year, and that I was supposed to work 24/7 to yield lots of top journal quality research and land a primo professorship in 2 years.) DH had entered the medical training merry go round, and I honestly never realized how that locked us in. He wouldn't be done for four years - and I didn't get much choice in where we were going. My jobs were limited if I wanted the best position for me and he was in a match. So....

we had a baby instead. It seemed like a good time. I mean....if my career was going to be totally F-ed up by his residency, might as well do the kid thing at the same time, right? Such logic. I was 28. We started trying after hatching this plan at a Chi-Chi's over margaritas. I got pregnant on attempt number one. Total shock.

Now, I'm relatively certain that this was a BAD career move. I do love my kids, though and I wouldn't change our past at all. DH and I are the type to have our own "projects" and come together to share them. His was residency and fellowship - mine was having 2 kids and getting them in to school age. It worked for us. Now I'm sorting out the other side.

I remind myseld frequently that I'm lucky that I don't have to worry about money and I have a happy marriage. And an advanced degree. *sigh* It's not a bad place to be - but I never saw myself in the place I am now. The power of tequila and horomones.

Watch out for the margaritas.

[Vishenka69]

Watch out for the margaritas.

That's where my religious obsession with the pill and the patch come in. Oh and fear of being pregnant, giving birth and having babies. :>

[Amiens]

We met the first year of medical school. When we got married we had decided up front that we would wait until residency to have children, and that we would have 4 possibly 5. During 4th year of medical school dh and I got into a bad car accident and luckily neither of us was hurt. Instead of going off of the pill in April/May as we initially decided, I went off it following the accident in November. It took a couple of months for me to start ovulating again, and I got pregnant in Jan. I ended up m/c at 10 1/2 almost 11 weeks.

Not thinking I would get pregnant, we decided to celebrate the first time together following the m/c in style- dh got a night at the Loews-Giorgio Hotel in Denver, blah blah blah- decided we were ok that I wouldn't get pregnant. Umm were we wrong! I went into my follow-up appt for the DNC (my body wasn't m/cing on it's own), and the OB confirmed the pregnancy.

Emma was such an easy baby we were honestly disillusioned, and planned to have Brigham 19 months after. Then we had Brigham found out not all babies are easy. I remember when he was 10 months old and someone asked "are you going to have another soon?" My reply was "Umm no, he just started sleeping through the night last week." It was a hard decision for me to time the third, Reed. I was with our kids house hunting, and feeling like something was missing. I told dh that I felt ready to start trying. Little did I know it wouldn't take but one time. There is 2 1/2 years between Brigham and Reed. Now with this one- we were not thinking- we both though "Oh your going to have your period in 2 days, what's the harm?" So that one time did it- we will be having our fourth with a 20 month age difference. All in all it will be good.

In retrospect- we sometimes wished we had waited until after residency, but then again we wouldn't change anything for the world. As far as the spacing it has worked perfectly for our family. Ask me again in one year about #3 and #4. Now after this one- dh is going in for a little snippety snip snip.

I also thought I would be done possibly by the time I was 30 (I will be 31 one month following the birth of this baby), definitely done by the time I was 35.

edited because obviously I can't type or I am horrible at math.

[Michele]

(I will be 21 one month following the birth of the baby),

:!