what led you to have children WHEN you did?

[Phoebe]

We got married at 30 and 31 and started fellowship immediately following. We knew we wanted children. I also have always loved babies and worked with children. We verbally planned on three, but would wait to see how it went. Within 6 months of being married, I started getting the itch for a child. Then we kind of took Annie's and Kelly's approach and within a month I was pregnant. Before, DD;s birth I had daycare set up and fully planned on returning to work full-time. When it came time, I couldn't bear to leave her so i quit my job became a SAHM.

DD#2 was essentially the same. I went off the pill because we were visiting relatives for the holidays and got the flu. We got stranded in WI for two days and I missed starting my new month of BCP. We had planned on TTC in a couple months anyway so I just blew it off. Within two weeks, I was pregnant.

We made a habit of New Year's post call conception hence three daughters on 9/22, 9/24 and 9/27. Sorry if TMI

[mommax3]

We always knew we wanted children, and even talked (at one point) about having SIX! But we got married pretty young, and didn't have any intention of having kids right away. I was teaching in a middle school, and towards the end of my fourth year there, I started feeling a little restless and bored. I was ready for a change, but it hardly seemed worth going through the hell of interviewing, getting a new job, and having to go through all of the "new teacher" crap that is no fun at all, especially since I knew we would probably be moving in about three years. So, when we had been married about 3.5 years, I went off the pill and we started trying. DH (23 at the time) was in the second semester of MS 1 and I was 25.

It took us five months to conceive, and when DS #1 was born in April of the next year, I was 26 and DH was 24 and preparing to take Step I of USMLE as well as finals for MS 2. I quit my job and stayed at home, which was MUCH harder than I had expected. DS was such a gift, but very intense, and being with him all day was really different than being with hundreds of adolescents. I was kind of bored. But not really tempted to go back, given the logistics (my old job was a 45 minute highway drive away) and the finances (we couldn't afford child care I would have been happy with). We were both fine with having just one child during med school, though. When we found out DH would be doing a military residency, (which paid more than a civilian one) we knew we would start trying for our second, even though we also knew we would be far, far away from all of our family and friends.

We conceived DS #2 after trying for about three months.....I actually think he was conceived the weekend Princess Diana died.....during DH's first weekend off after residency started. He was born at the end of DH's intern year, and then the fun REALLY began. In many ways, I consider the three years that followed to be some of the best years in my life so far, even though they were some of the hardest, too. I was basically on my own with two little boys that were a little over three years apart. We survived, and thrived, and I have very happy memories of being home with them. It is ironic that I have these feelings in spite of the fact that DH was rarely home, and I really did miss him, but in general, I was pretty blissed out by being with my boys. (Before you think I was a total freak, please remember that I also had my oldest in preschool two days a week the year DS #2 was a baby, and I sent the baby to preschool the next year, once he had turned one. ) When my boys were 4 and 1, I actually took a three week road trip with them, to KS and then to IN, and back home to TX, and it was very empowering for me.

We knew we wanted more kids, so we started trying for #3 during June of DH's third year. It took us six months to conceive that time (woo-hoo Christmas Break) and by the time I knew I was pregnant, I was already stressed about where we would be assigned after residency, selling the house, moving, etc. I was also in serious denial about saying good-bye to a life I had grown to love in San Antonio. We moved into our new home July of 2001, my oldest started first grade in August, and DS #3 made his appearance on Sept. 7th. We all know what happened Sept. 11th, and with a husband in the military, it was a very uncertain time for us. His base was short-staffed on OBs, so he got no leave when we had Nathan. I didn't know ANYONE, and DS #1 was having issues at school. Additionally, all of my sadness about moving was hitting the fan. It was not a good time for me. DS #3 was our fussiest baby and our worst sleeper, and I am HORRIBLE when I am sleep deprived. Looking back, I should have been on meds, but I was just in a fog, and actually, so was DH. We had a pregnancy scare sometime during the year that DS #3 was a baby, and apparently, according to DH (I actually don't remember most of that year very well) I mis-read the test, thinking it was positive when it was negative, and burst into hysterical tears thinking I was pregnant. I think DH decided at that point that we were done, but he didn't have the surgery for two more years.

I have had a very hard time in the past couple of years knowing that we are done having children. Getting a job again has helped tremendously. If I could do it all again, I would remind myself over and over again how fast it goes. (I know that is a cliche, but it is so true.) If I had the benefit of hindsight, I think I would have tried to have a third one a little sooner, so that we would have had a baby BEFORE residency was over, instead of when we were in a new place. Then I would have had a fourth after we got settled after residency. The hardest thing about having the age spread we have was that I had a kid in school and in soccer at the same time as having a newborn. That, for me, was not a good mix, especially since I had no support system and couldn't count on DH for too much. (Although in retrospect, he had a pretty sweet schedule during the military years, when they were fully staffed.) I had always had the goal to be done having kids by 35, and my boys were born when I was 26, 29, and 32. When 35 came and went without any babies, that was a big hurdle for me. I still feel a little sad that I have no reason to go to Babies R Us and don't get to shop in the baby/toddler sections in stores anymore. It has been a hard stage of life for me to leave, and I think I am still in the process of mourning it. However, it isn't all bad! I have a niece and nephew who are 1.5 and 3, and I spent time with them over Christmas. The amount of work that it takes to get through the day with little ones is not something I miss at all. I do miss that age where everything is a new discovery, though, and I certainly miss the cuddles! (And strangely, I miss Noggin and Nick Jr. ) But I have replaced those things with cheering on my boys at basketball games, having karaoke contests, and playing DDR on the PS 2. I haven't changed a diaper in years, and I sleep all night, almost every night.


Sally

[spotty_dog]

I had been looking forward to having kids for a long time. I figured ~25 was a good time to start, prime time biologically and plenty early enough that we'd have a carefree retirement. My boyfriend was also interested in kids, we'd been talking about how we'd spoil our grandchildren since we were first dating. The year I was 22 we hashed a lot of stuff out and we agreed we were really looking forward to kids before 30. He got his med school acceptance and we got engaged and married. When kids came up we knew that we wanted a parent at home but we weren't comfortable taking on extra debt to have them -- we needed my income while he was in school, and the tuition break I was earning for him. We weren't so idealistic to think we needed a perfect financial situation, but some income from one party or the other was essential. So, we set our sights on residency. Not a perfect situation by far, but kids were important to us.

The end of fourth year approached and the subject came up again. We got more and more specific about it and finally set a goal of starting to try around Match Day (with the understanding that if we matched in a high-COL location we might delay kids because I'd need to keep working). Well, we both started getting a bit careless about birth control as that deadline approached, and on Match Day we announced our match location as well as our 9 weeks' gestation pregnancy. DS was very much planned for but still a surprise. He was born a couple of months after my 27th birthday and a few weeks before DH's 29th. We'd been married almost 3.5 years.

As for SMS's theory, in my original plans I was all about having babies and small children in grad school when life is flexible; unfortunately I didn't go to grad school and it's looking like I'll be a SAHM for a good long while now, since I don't have a career track to pursue.

[houseelf]

Sally,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this issue. Your thoughts help me think about what we really want for our family size. We are both one hundred percent on the fence about baby number three. Totally undecided. To hear someone like you who quit before they felt that were absolutely done gives me just another sliver of perspective.

Again, thanks for all the candor! You guys rock.

Kelly

[MissCrabette]

I always said I didn't want to be an old mom and that I wanted to be done by 30!

That's what I said too, but I don't know how that will work out. I also said I didn't like kids when I was younger and apparently things have changed a lot since those days. I have no idea what the future will bring so I suppose I'll reanalyze the situation once I know where we're headed.

We got married very young, and knew we didnt want kids straight away, but it has always been a longer term plan.
I have been ready for a few years now, but DH didnt want to go there during med school. We have huge student debt, so with me working it has made sense financially. I know I want to stay home when/if they do come along. He has recently changed opinion though, and we are both ready when it happens.

[Rapunzel]

This is a VERY fun thread to read!

I did NOT do a lot of babysitting growing up. I used to say I was "allergic" to children. My plan was to be a great aunt to the children my younger sister planned (she wanted a large family) and spend my life working towards being on the Supreme Court. No joke! I had no plans for marriage or for children. I liked being single for the most part (with a fleeting blip in there prior to marrying my husband) and I never in my life thought I would have or even desire children.

Then I met dh. And, everything - everything - changed. He was unlike any man I had ever dated or been engaged to. And, after we got married I suddenly had an intense desire for a child. That was a completely foreign feeling to me. It took me a few weeks of feeling weird before I pinpointed the reason I would spontaneously begin cradling my arms absentmindedly throughout the day.

So, we jumped in head first and haven't looked back since! We have five kids (four pregnancies) and we're all for having some more. My husband has made it clear he would love to have as many children as I want and feel I can handle. I also don't mind having children well past 35. I figure that I could probably have about 8 kiddos by the time I turn 40 (with all of my pregnancies spaced about three years apart).

Flynn asked:

Finally for the parents on this site, what one "truth" about parenting do you wish you KNEW before you went down this road that would have been helpful or empowering???

I wish I had realized how fleeting babyhood truly is from the beginning. Of course, you can't really appreciate that fact until you have experienced looking at a great big person and wishing for a moment you could cuddle him in your lap and sing him a lullaby. I feel like I spent a portion of my first few children's lives willing them to grow up a bit faster to get through the perceived "difficult" times of babyhood. Little did I realize that babyhood was the easy part!!!

[alison]

Annie, BTW I read your post and was thinking about dimsum all day yesterday - thanks a lot!

[PrincessFiona]

I feel like I spent a portion of my first few children's lives willing them to grow up a bit faster to get through the perceived "difficult" times of babyhood. Little did I realize that babyhood was the easy part!!!

*gulp*

Oh, Annie...buckle up your seatbelt!

Jenn...I hear you!

kris

[mommax3]

Little did I realize that babyhood was the easy part!!!

I have mixed feelings about this, even though I *totally* get where you are coming from when you say it.

For me, the sleep deprivation was MUCH harder on me (coupled with the single-parenting thing ) than the school-age stuff is. Emotional exhaustion, I can handle, but physical exhaustion takes me out. I think it really depends on YOUR personality and the personalities of the kids you have. I sometimes think longingly of the baby days, but I think that is because they are familiar, whereas dealing with an older child is forging into unfamiliar territory. Just my 2 cents!

Sally

This is kind of a bittersweet thread for me to read.

I thought I'd have two kids, DH wanted three, but I was never in any particular rush to get pregnant. The idea rather scared me. But one day it just seemed like a good idea (!?) we went for it, and there I was, pregnant!

In hindsight, the timing was bad, although neither of us realised what was coming with us newly arrived/returned to Australia and DH's upcoming fellowship hell. I had a difficult pregnancy, and then a really horrible birth. And DD was the most demanding baby I've seen, not to mention that she woke 6-10 times a night EVERY NIGHT for the first year. DH was not much help physically or emotionally because of all that was going on with his work.

I've received counselling for the birth, and it doesn't affect me so much anymore - except that the very thought of having another child gives me extreme anxiety. I really don't know what to do. DH accepts my decision, but I know he's disappointed. I still feel some guilt at the idea of having an "only" but really don't know if I'd cope with more.

(This wasn't meant to be a hijack, sorry!)

ETA: Obviously I love DD to pieces, though, despite all this!

[Flynn]

We met at 23, married at 27 and gave birth at 31.

I really liked that we were married for a while before we decided to have kids. We started trying not because "this was the time" but because we were getting older -- it just seemed like a reasonable time.

Being a Mom completely changed everything for me and the transition was challenging at times. I'm really glad I was able to get multiple degrees, work in my field, and travel a bit BEFORE kids. It made staying home a choice I was comfortable with because I had had these experiences.

In retrospect I like our timing with regard to residency. While it really kicked my BUTT being alone with two little ones during training, it was a short term sacrifice for a long term gain. (We did PGY6-9 with kids.)

When DH is busy now they are old enough to get upset. They don't like it but I know it's short lived now and we make it work.

I have really liked reading all of these posts!

[alison]

Our view on this is similar to Flynn's. We want to get some years of traveling and working behind us (especially me), and then have kids. However, how many years of this is normal? It's so much fun!

We met in our early twenties, married at 26 (we would have waited, yet the INS had different plans for us), and are 28. I'd love to reach attending-hood and still have a few years to travel and spend money in irresponsible ways. But alas, dh should have married someone much younger than me for this life!

[Stella]

Well, it won't be for a while for me. Marriage will probably come in ~ 3 years and after that he'll be in residency. I don't know WTH is going on with me career-wise so I'm only semi worried about that. Basically, there is no plan except to get married first and we disagree about how many kids we want. He wants 2, I want 5.

Stella, I wanted 5 as well.....wait and see

I would love to say I was sleeping one night, and the guardian angel appeared to me and told me it was my time however that wasn't how it went.

When i was 20 we (ex partner and i) but after 2 miscarraiges in the 2 years and our relationship going downhill i said no more, I just couldn't handle another miscarriage and I wanted to do more with my life and he wanted to move to france to do a fellowship so we broke up, a week later, and a week before he moved to france I found out i was pregnant and thinggs got nasty, my ex wanted a termination and over my dead body that was ever happening so we didn;t speak for ages. DS though was a little fighter, i had emergency surgery to my uterus and fallopian tubes when i was just 5 weeks that took 2 hours and he held on in there and then i had hyperemesis which wasn't treated properly to begin with and ended up with renal failure, but he survived that, so thats why I gave him the name Matthew (it means a gift of god). I was just meant to be a mom at that time and he was meant to be.