Best time to have kids?

[Ladybug122]

Re: Best time to have kids?

I agree with the general theme of "you can't plan everything, and as long as it's a good time for you and DH..." I will, however share our experience. DH and I unexpectedly got pregnant at the end of MS3, I gave birth to DS in Januray of DH's 4th year of med school. The way his rotations worked out, he had interviews in January, and a light schedule in February (a non-clinical, class-type elective). After Feb, he was off until he started residency in late June. The funny part of it all is that his schedule was set up like this before we found out we were pregnant...I guess someone was looking out for us. So, I was actually able to go back to work after 8 weeks, and DH stayed home with the baby until we moved for residency. So, in my experience, 4th year was a good time for us to have a child. Just my experience!

[planet]

Re: Best time to have kids?

Words of wisdom abound here.

We planned on waiting until after residency to have kids, but then reality hit quickly about how little control we had over our lives after all. We had 2 kids during med school and it worked out ok. I would say that there are easier and harder times generally, but like others said, you just make life work.

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Best time to have kids?

All the old timers on this board have heard me say this until I'm blue in the face - you can't expect to get pg immediately either. After six months of trying on our own, six months with an OB, and 9 months with an RE we're finally expecting our first in 8 weeks.

Everyone (including me, as I did) can tell you what their experiences are and tell you what it was like at their medical school or residency but as several have said - if you're ready start trying and work through the rest later.

[peony]

Re: Best time to have kids?

Thanks everyone for being so straightforward with me and not ignoring the tough issues! I know that when I say I'm going to get pregnant in X 2-month perioid I'm being extremely optimistic! I think I'm biased in this area because my mom was ridiculously fertile (had two of us after just ONE instance of unprotected sex and the other two on her first cycle of trying), but of course it usually doesn't work that way!

Getting back to the not-matching-at-the-same-place-for-residency-and-med-school issue, what would be my options be in that case? It probably varies by school, but I'm thinking it goes something like this.

1) Immediately after DH matches, approaching the school and asking them if they have any more med school spots (hopefully it was a school I was at least waitlisted at, but this is optimistic)
2) Perhaps the school DH gets into won't have spaces for this year's class but could allow me into the next year's class (kind of like transfering in before school starts).
3) I could defer for a yr and DH could transfer residency programs to my med school.
4) Reapply to med school in the area where DH matches.

Perhaps I'm being overly optimistic that the residency programs will care, but I remember a friend who had a pretty easy time transfering to her fiance's med school between 2nd and 3rd yr. It was a top 3 school, and my college/science GPA is significantly higher than hers. Should I start a new thread about this because this is the parenting forum? Thanks so much!

Re: Best time to have kids?

Perhaps I'm being overly optimistic that the residency programs will care, but I remember a friend who had a pretty easy time transfering to her fiance's med school between 2nd and 3rd yr. It was a top 3 school, and my college/science GPA is significantly higher than hers. Should I start a new thread about this because this is the parenting forum? Thanks so much!

uch: uh, yeah. I haven't read this whole thread b/c I've been out of town. Has anyone talked about the couples match? I don't entirely know how it works, but I know some people have done it.

But don't plan on anyone at any program actually caring. I've heard about programs making spaces for spouses of Attendings ... but not to help out a resident.

And on the "planning to get pregnant right away" ... you're setting yourself up for disaster. It may happen, and if it does - more power to you. But again - reading that just makes me think uch: .

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Best time to have kids?

I don't think the couples match applies to a resident/med student couple. I think its just resident/resident.

[houseelf]

Re: Best time to have kids?

...and I just to add one more factor to befuddle the whole situation. Depending on when you have a baby and how long your residencies last, you need to consider the fact that moving a child through several schools takes a tool. It is doable and probably one of the factors deserving less consideration, but this is a big issue in our household and dictates a lot of career decisions. It is one thing when medicine sucks the life out of the parents, it is a whole 'nuther ball of wax when the kids are affected profoundly.

Kelly

[DCJenn]

Re: Best time to have kids?

The key thing to consider about residency programs?

They care about the residency program. Occasionally, we will have a member whose spouses residency program appears to be managed by something close to human. It's the exception, not the rule.

They go in when they're sick. They go in when you're sick. They go in when the kids are sick. They go in when the pets are sick. There are no vacations. (ok- there are vacations. They study during vacations, they interview during vacations. They do external rotations for 'face time' during vacations) Every single person here will be able to name w/out pausing the Top Ten Family Holidays/Events that have been missed by the resident.

(my cousin's wedding. My dad's 60th birthday party. My uncle's 90th birthday party. My grandmother's 90th birthday party. My brother's House-warming party. Our anniversary Years #1, #4 and #7. Most of his birthdays including his 40th.)

BUT, here's the thing. It's like this for everybody. No one gets cut any slack. If you do a residency, it'll be like this for you. You can have a child or two or three but you need to know that you'll have one parent dealing w/ residency and then a second parent dealing w/ residency. and that's not counting if either of you decides to do a fellowship. (and the fellowship thing usually appears out of nowhere and is more soul-sucking than residency)

If you want to do it, then do it. Figure out your child-care options. and then figure on at least two more back-up plans. Your in-laws may be fabulous people but 1) are they seriously CLEAR on what medical training is all about and 2) are they healthy enough to do it long term.

I know we all seem seriously harsh and I know we don't mean to. We just want to prepare you and your husband for the ugly reality that is medicine.

Jenn

Re: Best time to have kids?

I don't think the couples match applies to a resident/med student couple. I think its just resident/resident.

you're totally right Cheri - I didn't realize this was a resident / med student couple. Back to not reading posts and then replying ....

[Vanquisher]

Re: Best time to have kids?

I know that it can work, but, I am going to be quite frank here, the odds of it working out in your favor are very slim. You are talking about near-perfect timing for kids, getting into medical school where he matches, controlling the match, child care, your match, fertility. It seems incredibly small odds to me.

No residency will care where you got into medical school. Transferring residencies is difficult, and in many cases impossible, depending on the specialty. Yes, it will look bad and be held against you if you are visably pregnant during med school or residency interviews.

I know a woman who had kids while she was in medical school. Her husband had a career (not in medicine, but demanding), and she got by with...a butt load of nannies. It is not easy.

Here is a harsh reality. If it doesn't work out in your favor, and you can't have everything you want, which would you rather put off indefinitely, your career or kids? It may come down to that decision. It did for me. I always said, well, I can go to medical school later. Fast forward to now, and there is no way in hell I would put my kids through this again. A one parent doctor house is hard enough.

Really, I would have a serious talk with your dh and with yourself. What do you really want the most?

Re: Best time to have kids?

It just occurred to me: if you're a med student interviewing as part of the match, there is NO WAY a program can give you an "in" b/c your husband is already in their program. The match allows no "wink-wink / nod-nod" type things (as in "sure we'll rank you highly b/c we like your husband). And you cannot go outside of the match. As far as I understand (someone will correct me if I'm wrong, I'm sure) the only way you can participate in the scramble is if you do not match & the program you want hasn't filled all of their spots. If you are matched somewhere, you have to go. Switching during later years can/does happen, but not for R1. And if you have kids before that point, you're in for an even tougher intern year than usual (family-friendly hours generally do not exist intern year - no matter the specialty).

I kind of think you're hoping to control A WHOLE LOT of things that are far outside of your control - when you get pregnant is the least of them.

Re: Best time to have kids?

...and I just to add one more factor to befuddle the whole situation. Depending on when you have a baby and how long your residencies last, you need to consider the fact that moving a child through several schools takes a tool. It is doable and probably one of the factors deserving less consideration, but this is a big issue in our household and dictates a lot of career decisions. It is one thing when medicine sucks the life out of the parents, it is a whole 'nuther ball of wax when the kids are affected profoundly.

Kelly

This is one of the reasons I am now glad that we waited so long, by the time this kid is in school we might finally, hopefully be settled someplace. Though if we had had kids earlier, I would have been much closer to a support network.

I think there are going to be positives and negatives to every way that things can pan out for you Peony. It sounds like you have a lot on your side, particularly the supportive family and lack of financial stresses, those are huge. The other things are too unpredictable to plan (pregnancy, med school, residency) but you could probably figure out a way to make things work as you go, whatever happens. Even if it means putting off some of your plans.

I admire anyone who can do med school or residency at the same time as pregnancy or raising kids. I am exhausted from my 9-5 desk job already, and I have not even tasted motherhood yet!

welcome to the site!

[Flynn]

Re: Best time to have kids?

It just occurred to me: if you're a med student interviewing as part of the match, there is NO WAY a program can give you an "in" b/c your husband is already in their program. The match allows no "wink-wink / nod-nod" type things (as in "sure we'll rank you highly b/c we like your husband). And you cannot go outside of the match. As far as I understand (someone will correct me if I'm wrong, I'm sure) the only way you can participate in the scramble is if you do not match & the program you want hasn't filled all of their spots. If you are matched somewhere, you have to go. Switching during later years can/does happen, but not for R1. And if you have kids before that point, you're in for an even tougher intern year than usual (family-friendly hours generally do not exist intern year - no matter the specialty).

I completely agree with the above statement. Like many wise people have said on this thread already, a program cares about itself. Nothing else matters.

I would imagine if you didn't get in to the med school where your DH matches, you are welcome to apply again like any other student but no special treatment will be given whatsoever. Are you ready for this?

Moving school age kids is something we never had to do and now that I'm a mom I can imagine how that could rock a family to its core. Heidi and Kelly have very good points about older kids going through residency.

I'm with Heidi on this one....what's more important to you? Can you wait to have kids -- or -- can you wait to be a doc until later in life?

If you have to do the two doc thing, the bottom line is you won't see your kids all that much until you are DONE with residency. It's the cold brutal truth. I'm not saying this because your kids will be in a two income household I'm saying this because you will be a two doc household where hours and weekends off are gifts even with the 80 hour work week.

What kind of childhood were you hoping to give your kids?
What kind of goals do you have for your marriage?
How will training/residency impact these goals?

Lots to think about.

[planet]

Re: Best time to have kids?

I am going to respectfully disagree with the above. We DO know a double doc family where they "took turns" doing residency. He is a current resident, she a practicing doc in a specialty that allows her to be home with her kids more often...as in when they are out of school in the afternoon. They DO have a full time nanny to make it work, plus family help. The consideration here is that both parents have to understand that if they want to spend time with their kids they are limited in what specialties are available. Seriously, this mom is SOOO smart and talented and capable and could have done ANYTHING.
Also, and don't throw eggs, it is generally the woman who sacrifices when all things are equal, so that it might come down to it being you who has the less desirable specialty.

Also, wrt the match. People can and do go around the match. I believe one of our member's spouses did this in a very competitive specialty and into a very competitive program. But since the timing makes it sound like YOU are the one who will be working around your spouse's residency, then your challenge of getting into a local med school is greater. I'll agree that for the most part nobody will care, and yet, again anecdotally, a guy I went to undergrad with owes his med school acceptance to his girlfriend who was a student there. And yes, he freely would admit this as he was turned down then she pressed for a relook. Also, your dh may be finished with residency, (M3, right) if he chooses a short one, by the time you start yours so that makes it a different situation too.

But the comments ring very true for the most part...I refer to exceptions and they are rare. Having a good, hard look as a couple at how you see family life might help focus your goals.

[houseelf]

Re: Best time to have kids?

I think that Janet gives a valid cheer of support. However, whenever a question like this comes up, I think that the distinguishing question is not whether it can be done, but whether you REALLY want to do it. I totally get the, "Yes, it can be done!". I tend to be more of the camp that says, "But yeah, do you really want to do it with all the high costs involved?" I will tell you that this is completely personality driven. No one on this board can answer this but you and your partner.

I wish you every luck!

Kelly