Residency/parenting question

[PrincessFiona]

residency/career for spouse?

Well, I'd also agree that peds or family practice are more family friendly areas of medicine to pursue...

I also agree with many of Kelly's thoughts on both the advantages and disadvantages of working during residency...though I think they apply for working/not working in general.

We certainly have experience a tip in the marital balance as a result of me being a sahm...and I notice a huge difference now that I'm just teaching on T/R mornings.....I also notice a difference for me because I feel like I've been able to make room in my life for myself...it may sound selfish, but I think that it has made me a better mom...

Kris

thankyou, thankyou, thankyou

I am sitting here, at work (in a lab) on Christmas Day. My husband was thet "Christmas" person and is at work today, so i came up to 'work' too so I wouldn't feel guilty for lounging around while he is busy.

Well, I was piddling around on the computer, quite antsy, mulling over some very serious questions. When should we have kids? Would I continue working in the lab and would I get to finish my masters? Would I /Should I stay at home as a SAHM?

Then, I came across this part of this forum. I read all the answers, especially Kelly's. I can't tell you how much your answer has shed some light on my questions/thoughts. My husband is in a radiology residency, which has better 'hours' than compared to say surgery, but I still worry a lot about the future of our marriage, etc. We just recently married.

Anyhow, Merry Christmas, and thanks

Hi there... where is your husband in his residency? I mean what year. My husband is a radiologist three years out of residency. We waited until the last year to have our girls (turned out to be twins). I had a great job, so it was a matter of timing it to when we were going to move.

The decision on when to start is so personal. So many things factor into it, that only you can really feel this one out.

Janet

residency and children

Well, he is a 2nd year radiology residency, so we have 3 years to go total. I don't have a great job, but would like to teach college in the future..leaving that decision open since of course it depends on if I get hired, how many hours, etc. I am looking forward to having children, but sometimes we wonder just how busy he will be straight out of residency. Janet, maybe you could give me your point of view. Like you, I believe its a personal preference, yet I am the kind of person who likes to hear alot of different opinions while I grapple with this decision. (pros, cons, etc.) thanks janet!

[DCJenn]

Our saga is a little different but, we didn't get married until the day after he graduated from medical school. Since I'm in my mid 30's we didn't want to wait too long so we started 'not preventing' over a year ago. So, now it's off to the infertility clinic to see what's going on. My moral is: if kids are extremely important to you, I would recommend not waiting. We didn't have much of a choice but we're also perfectly fine with adopting or not having any. (We are NOT going to go through any medical 'advancements' just to have a child of our own genetic heritage!) If you can't imagine your life without children, then go for it sooner rather than later. If you're willing to risk not being able to have any, or having to have some 'help', then by all means develop your career. I have a fabulous job and there's no way I would be where I am now if I hadn't busted my a** during my 20's and early 30's. Just some food for thought.

Jenn

Jenn, you addressed my concerns right on the nose. I am 31 and he is 34, and yes, children right now are important. I thank you for your advice..I am really glad I found this forum. You guys are so helpful.

Our story is similary to Jenn's. We met when my dh was in med school (second year), and I was 31 and he was 33 (he was an older student, having done a fine art and biology degree before med school). Anyway, I was just finishing my MA in professional writing, so I wanted to have at least a few years getting my career off the ground. Residency took us to Toronto, a very expensive city for rent and such. On his residents salary, we could not have covered basic rent, student loans (over $500 a month in payments), and other living expenses. Also, I had a fantastic job at a major software house (Symantec) as a lead writer and manager. I really needed to take advantage of that. But I was getting older. About 36 at that point. Because we wanted two children minimum, we thought we should start so I could have them before age 40. So we started trying. It took about a year (Jenn, that's for you...). I had an appointment at a fertility clinic and found out I was pregnant the day before... So, then we had twins just a few weeks before my 38th bday. That was also 6 months before my dh finished his residency and his board exams. Needless to say, twins were really demanding, I was super, super sick with the pregnancy and near-fatal post delivery complications, so it was hard on my dh. The combination of exams and twins gave him severe migraines, and he didn't pass his boards. We were able to move to his new job (arranged before the girls were born), and he passed his boards the following year. Yes, it was really, really hard. But our girls are the best thing that has ever happened to us. So all the hoops and trials were definitely worth it.

So much depends on your age, whether you can afford to live on one salary, where you are in your career, whether you are emotionally ready for children, whether you are too close to board exams (I wouldn't recommend planning to have them too close to boards), etc. So many factors are at play...

Janet

You had quite an experience and yet seem like you guys came through it. Thanks for sharing that with me. We've decided to start trying rather than putting it off. We have been discussing this since before the wedding, all the pros and cons and what we really want as a couple. Your responses were also sort of the icing on the cake, so to speak. Thanks Janet and Jenn!

[houseelf]

Janet, holy cow, y'all really earned your way to personal fulfillment, didn't you? This is an amazing story.

To all of you contemplating the "when" issue in regards to your career, another thing that you may want to contemplate is the almost inevitable career marginalization that will occur if you have all of your kids fairly close together. First, you will not be able to put in the extra hours or travel. Next, coworkers will have to cover for you when you take a string of maternity leaves in a short space of time. Many successful women has overcome this phenomenon, but I have heard a few career coaches suggest spacing (if possible) to be able to keep yourself sane, keep the juggling act going, and minimalize career disruptions. Obviously, if this doesn't gel with your family plan or biological clock, negotiate your own way on your own terms. Truly, the work force is changing in regards to work/life issues.

Also, every single one of us struggles with the "when" issue. At some point, you just give yourself a deadline to finish mulling over the question and say Hail Mary. Good luck!

Kelly

one last question

So, i still haven't figured out something. Would any present stay-at-home-moms offer their opinions? See, I am at a fork in life where I can decide stay at home with the future children, or I can do the daycare thing. However my fear of not working is that suddenly I will get restless and want to work and feel important, in the sense that I am 'successful'. I feel that I'd be successful as a great Mom, but then again, I wonder if I will start to feel otherwise... I am not trying to say that sahm's are not successful, I am really questioning how does one make that kind of decision?

[JaneDoe]

I'm new to this forum, but reading this thread prompted me to register and respond. Although I don't have a whole lot to offer on the subject of having kids while in residency, I certainly have many concerns on the subject since we hope to have children in the year or two.

Kelly- Your situation is very similar to mine, except that I do not have children yet. I am a government attorney too, and I also clerked for a Judge. I chose to become a government attorney for the very reasons you mentioned. I wanted to have as family-friendly of a job as I could in my field. My husband is in his the middle of his internship. In July, he will begin his ophthalmology residency.

My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. When we've had discussions on this issue, we've always agreed that we would start trying to have children after he finishes his intern year. Now that the time is quickly approaching, I am both excited and very nervous. Needless to say, the issues being discussed on this thread are the very same ones that have been occupying my mind in the last year or so.

One of the big concerns I have is being a full-time working mom. That scares me. We have a huge amount of student loan debt, as well as a mortgage. I feel that we don't have the option for me to be a SAHM. However, both of my parents worked while I was growing up and I personally had a very positive experience with child care. But, I have a feeling that I will feel differently about it when I am the mother sending my child to day care.

I'm also very concerned about how our marriage will change. My husband and I are very happy now, but we're also very busy. I'm having a hard time imagining what our lives will be like with a child. Our decision on when to have children was based on a number of things, such as: I don't want to wait until my mid-thirties to have children and we believe that once his ophthalmology residency begins he shouldn't be as busy as he is now. Anyways, I'm rambling.

But, I have a question for those who have posted here: if you were to do it all over again and would be guaranteed that you have the exact children that you have now, would you do anything differently; i.e., wait, not work, etc?

Thanks for your comments. This is an issue that I have been giving so much thought to lately.

Welcome Jane! Let me just say that my husband and I are just not very good planners. We have 3 children and none of them were planned. You'd think that we should know what causes it with him in med school and me with a BS in Biology.

My daughter, 8 yrs, came when he was between 3rd & 4th year of med school and working towards his PhD. Then my son, almost 7 now, came a mere 14 months later while daddy was still in the lab getting before mentioned degree. Fast forward through getting his MDPhD 4 and a half years later and then came Number 3 during his intern year (like a month into it). Since I never did it any other way, there's no certainty, for me anyway, that anything would've been better or easier. I think having kids is both wonderful and difficult and you take it as it comes. Sure it was hard with the first two being so close together but I still wouldn't want to change that because now they are the best of friends. And my baby, well, I have all day with him while the other are in school so in some ways, he's an only child M-F.

I probably didn't answer your question but I just wanted to encourage you to believe that you can do it and there's not always a right time for everyone. As long as you and your husband want children you can and will do what's right by them.

[mommax3]

Dee, I have been a SAHM since the birth of my oldest son, almost 8 years ago. He was born towards the end of DH's second year of med school. I was a middle school music teacher prior to staying home. I had worked at a VERY nice day care (called a "prep school" if you can believe it ) in a big city and had also done nannying and childcare all through college. Based on what I had seen and experienced in those situations, in my mind, I needed to stay home with my son. DH was on a military scholarship, so we hadn't taken out student loans up to that point -- we began taking them after our son was born.

I think the most important thing for you to remember is that you CAN change your mind. I have found that most of life is making it up as you go along. You don't know right now the opportunities that will come your way that may mesh perfectly with parenting. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut, and if your gut is telling you to make a plan to stay home, go with it until you feel differently.

Staying home is definitely not nirvana. I am very much a people person and some days I feel like I will die if I don't hear some stimulating conversation -- so I haunt this place. Some days I feel like I would be happier all-around if I were working. However, (and I don't say this self-righteously at all) these years are not about me, they are about my kids and what I am willing to sacrifice for them. That is the choice I made when I decided to become a parent, right? My boys will only be babies and preschoolers once. I can still work for most of my life, barring untimely death. I am staying home because I feel like it is the best way for my boys to have a firm foundation before they head out to the world, to face challenges that I don't even want to imagine. So yeah, some days I hate life, and some days I thank God that I can be home, but most days I am somewhere in the middle, choosing to deal with the challenges, trying to take a long-term view and not looking for instant gratification. I am NOT a perfect parent, but I know I would be much worse if the stress of working outside the home were on me as well. I think a lot of it has to do with your husband's specialty, too -- mine is an OB/GYN and his schedule was HORRIBLE during residency -- I felt, at the time, that my
son(s) needed a full-time parent since their dad was almost never home.

For JaneDoe, I wouldn't change a thing, but some days I wish I would have started sooner at the whole parenting thing, or had my kids closer together -- I had my first when I was 26 and the three of them are all three years apart. I am not sure we will have another one because it is hard to do the baby thing when you are running older kids around to soccer, etc. -- at least that is what I have found. As far as debt goes, we have PLENTY! We have student loans, a car payment, a mortgage, and substantial credit card debt. However, we haven't used a credit card since residency ended (a year and a half ago) and while we can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel, we are at least making progress. No, we haven't done the recommended investing for our children's education, but I will go back to work at some point and for now, that is our college plan.

For Kelly and any other working moms out there, please please know that these are just my feelings for my situation. It's working for me, and if yours is working for you, don't let anything I write make you feel guilty. We are all just doing the best we can, right?

I wish you all luck as you consider this decision -- it will change your life forever, but it will be the best change you could imagine. I remember when I was going through all of these thoughts, too.

Sally

[houseelf]

Sally-actually I thought that your response was excellent...every mom, regardless of her choices, struggles. Motherhood is amazing, exhausting, overwhelming, perfection, and chaos all at once.

There is no perfect answer to the choices we make and it is refreshing that we can all tell it like we see it without sounding imperious in our choices. Lord knows I change my mind a lot on this one--review my posts about the backburnering of the marriage, unending mommy guilt, the career marginalization, and constant second guessing myself. In truth, this is one of those most real and enlightening conversation about the so-called "mommy wars" that I have heard in awhile. It is refreshing to lose the pretenses that we have found the perfect solution and that everyone else must abide by it. In other words, thanks for your refreshing honesty.

The truth of the matter--there are advantages and disadvantages to both options. It basically comes down to what you need to do to make it work for you. These options can also change as we grow and our families needs change. So at one point or another we may all find ourselves sitting on the opposite side of the fence extolling the virtues of the other side. You never know when you will be forced to enter the paid work force to support your family or when the necessity will arise that makes you leave the professional world to fully concentrate on your children.

In the end, let's just say, rock on Moms everywhere!

Kelly

Sally, and TiredPoor, and Jane, and everyone else....I haven't been on for a few weeks, but was happy today to read your responses. I will tell you a rather private thing..we are trying now. I figure there is no right time to have children at this point (I am 31, and he is 34), and I think I told you most of my story above. I am very very glad to have supportive 'friends' on this forum that I can turn to for advice or just to vent to. I appreciate how candid and careful all the mothers have been weather they work or are SAHMs. I'll keep you posted, if you don't mind on my status. Same to the rest of you?