The Myth of the Only Child/Time Magazine

[madeintaiwan]

I'd rather not be asked either question b/c I'm going to be perceived as being "different" than most people in terms of both answers. I'm an only child and I don't have kids yet. So I'm going to be unfairly stereotyped by strangers or people I don't know very well either way.

Seriously, there is always going to be someone out there who's going to make assumptions about you. They're strangers- not family, friends, or even co-workers. People make negative assumptions about me because I don't work, I'm black, I'm Asian, I look young and tote around 3 kids, my husband is white, I'm from CA, I look different, I wasn't born here, ect., My whole life has been about being "different." You can't let people's perceptions dictate your life OR your life's happiness.

You can't let people's perceptions dictate your life OR your life's happiness.

I certainly don't. I just find it irritating, that's all. I don't understand why most people just say the first things that come out of their mouths without thinking, such as "You're an only child so you must be spoiled." They just don't think about how this can be perceived as offensive to the other person. DH and I are always shaking our heads in disbelief at the rude things people say because they don't seem to think first.

[Vishenka69]

Being an only child, I just embrace whatever "spoiled" comments people make by saying, "And I love every minute of it." That usually shuts them up. I think part of why I'm an only child is because both of my parents have toxic relationships with their sisters.

My ILs had a second child because DH's grandma was freaking out that he can't be the only one. He's not close to his brother at all and still takes care of most of his parents' issues from PA, while his brother lives 2 blocks away.

[Tenacious_D]

Seriously, there is always going to be someone out there who's going to make assumptions about you. They're strangers- not family, friends, or even co-workers. People make negative assumptions about me because I don't work, I'm black, I'm Asian, I look young and tote around 3 kids, my husband is white, I'm from CA, I look different, I wasn't born here, ect., My whole life has been about being "different." You can't let people's perceptions dictate your life OR your life's happiness.

Very well said!

[SoonerTexan]

I think stereotyping only children is stupid. However, I think it is also stupid to do the same to large families. "Your child will be spoiled" goes hand-in-hand with "What? They're all yours? Haven't you figured out where they come from yet?" But I digress.

[DCJenn]

I'm so glad I posted this right before I left so that I can read all of the responses.

Definitely find the whole article if you're interested because the true focus is not at all about the money aspect, just that for one family they (wisely) realized that they're really, really struggling financially and that was what sealed the decision, not necessarily what caused the decision to only have one to be made in the first place.

As for stereotyping- As much crap as we got when we were in the big debate as to even have one (however 'have' was to be defined) EVERYONE had an opinion and 97% were that we HAD to have kids and we HAD to have a boy and a girl. (like you can pre-determine that...)

My grandmothers, Rick's mom, my own mother to a certain degree, and some friends have all made comments about why we need to have a second- because if not he'd be spoiled, self-centered, uptight, anxious, etc. Well, he is going to be an only, and I have no doubt that in some ways he's spoiled- he'll certainly never have to share a toy, a tv, or our attention, that's for sure. And we will be able to financially support him, should we desire. (my husband still says he can pick whichever Army gives him the better deal- the Americans or the Russians [dual citizenship])

and there are downsides, to be sure. He'll be discussing my nursing home care with his cousins, not his siblings. Any burden (and I sincerely hope we're able to preplan our way out of any financial burden) will fall to him. When we're dead- we're dead and he's on his own. That sucks.

The good news is, (and the point of the article) is that despite 100 years of research, really- only kids are perfectly normal. In fact, they're better than "normal."

Jenn

and there are downsides, to be sure. He'll be discussing my nursing home care with his cousins, not his siblings. Any burden (and I sincerely hope we're able to preplan our way out of any financial burden) will fall to him. When we're dead- we're dead and he's on his own. That sucks.

This is when I acutely felt the "lack" of a sibling. I leaned heavily on my cousins when my mom was sick and after she died. Case in point, though -- those same cousins are now dealing with their mother's deterioration, and one of them bears much more of the burden than the other. Just because there are more people involved does not mean that the burden will be shared.

I say I was raised as an only child, because I did have a brother, but he died when he was 3 months and I was 3 years. It hurt my mother whenever I answered that I had no siblings -- because I very much did -- but it was socially awkward to explain when asked a passing question.

When I was a kid, I actually (shamefully) preferred that I didn't have any siblings. My friends only fought with theirs.

I think being spoiled / entitled / awkward comes from the way you're raised -- only child or one from a family of 4.

[v-girl]

This topic is so interesting to me! I'm really enjoying reading everyone's input.

My mom had 3 kids in 4 years. We're now 38, 36 and 35. I'm the youngest and have three kids (we're hoping to have one more and plan to adopt older kids when we're in our 40s or 50s). My brother is the middle kid and has two kids (and there will be no more). My big sister has one. Since it took 4 years of trying to get that one and in 5 years there hasn't been another, she's pretty sure my niece will be an only. We moved to Texas when I was 4. All of our cousins stayed in Ohio and Panama. We've gone to the opposite extreme of how we grew up (not that we resent our mom bringing us to Texas -- it was for the best).

Our kids are 12, 11, 10, 9, 5 and 3. My sister and I live a mile apart (3 miles from our mom). Our brother is about 10 miles away (short country drive). Our children spend so much time together and when we're all together, it's like each kid has 6 parents for how interchangeable we are. My niece doesn't get a chance to act like the stereotype because she has 3 big "sisters", 1 older "brother" and 1 baby "brother" to whine about. ha ha! She's just as close to her other 3 year old cousin (her dad's twin brother's daughter).

My husband is younger than his cousins on his dad's side. There are only 3 grand kids on his mom's side and since his sister is 8 years younger, we were more like the cool aunt & uncle to her when she was in middle school & high school. He isn't close to his sister now and we never hear from his cousin. Honestly, he's closer to my mom and siblings than he is to his own family. It's weird to me, but my family is much more welcoming, friendly and open.

As for the onlies in my life, all of my friends who are onlies are perfectly normal, very sweet and friendly adults.