The Myth of the Only Child/Time Magazine

[GrayMatterWife]

I guess I'm clueless...I didn't realize that "only" children were stereotyped this way. That seems weird to me. Most "only" children I know are sensitive, engaging people who are not any more self-centered than anyone else I know. They never struck me as seeming "entitled" or "spoiled." Maybe it's just the "only"s I know. Or maybe it's because I know several families with three or four kids, who obscenely spoil their children to the point where you want to strangle them (the kids and the parents).

[alison]

Most of what I've been thinking has already been said. I didn't like the way the article opened with the financial bent to it, but to be honest, it's one of the things that dh and I do consider when contemplating a second child. We're getting a late(r) start on financial stability, so it's definitely a consideration of whether we can put 2 through college.

My dad is an only child. I was an only child until my brother arrived when I was 7 1/2. The only thing I've really noticed is that my dad is REALLY protective of his stuff. I always think it's because he never had to share his toys!

[scrub-jay]

I just have to add that my DH is an only child and he is the most generous and compassionate person I have ever met!! To think of him as spoiled or selfish (in any way) is laughable. Just goes to show that stereotypes can be oh so wrong.

[scarlett09]

This is an interesting topic and I'd like to read the article too. Will look for it later today. I'm an only child, and I'd like to briefly describe what the experience has been like for me, because I've actually been thinking about this topic a lot lately. As a child, being an only child was great--I enjoyed having all my parent's attention and not having to "compete" with any siblings for attention, grades, etc. I was the kind of only child who was never spoiled, but instead was raised to realize the value of money and to work for what I got. I always had summer jobs since I was old enough to work, and worked all through high school, and was not just given things. I also had tons of friends as a kid, and always had friends over or was at friends' houses. My parents did a good job of encouraging lots of interaction with other kids, through camp, activities, etc. Although I never had a pet growing up and I think that's essential for only children, because I did get lonely sometimes as a kid.

I need to find the full article, not just the abridged version. It was an interesting read for someone who did not have (half) siblings until I was 12 and 15. I am still my mother's only child and I think that is why we have our issues. She didn't plan on having only one child, but that is the hand she was dealt. I think the part about distribution of resources is interesting. My mother worked one FT job and two PT ones to provide for us and we were comfortable, definitely lower middle class. I wonder what it would have been like if my mother had to divide her income on things for myself and a younger sibling. Would I have been able to go to college? Had help with the down payment on my first car? Would I be in a completely different place in my life if I had a sibling?

sunnysideup, I understand where you are coming from in a way, I grew up with my parents' undivided attention and never wanted for anything, although I was not spoiled. As a child, I felt kind of lonely sometimes, especially since it was just me and my mom in our house (Dad lived nearby and I saw him often). But as I got older, I did not feel as lonely - I had some close friends in HS and lots of friends in college. If I ever feel lonely now, it's because my college friends aren't that close by anymore! The birth of my siblings did little to change this feeling. I've only become closer to them as I've gotten older, but I can't really go to a 12-year old boy and a 15-year old girl for companionship quite yet. And they are about to go through major changes in their lives in the next few years - HS, college, getting started on their own - so we will have to see what the next several years bring. Therefore, I will agree with what others are saying that having siblings does not guarantee a close relationship. But I can see, when you reflect back on your childhood, you would have felt less lonely if you had a sibling.

It's very interesting that this topic was posted. I have yet to make up my mind on having children, but I've pretty much convinced myself that if we do have children, we will only have one. And my main reason is the economy (you never know) and the fact that I was an only child.

I am an only child of parents that divorced when I was four. I am also the only grandchild on my mom's side of the family (she has one other sister who had no children, never married). You would think that by "stereotype" this would make me even more selfish. I will be the first to admit, I am selfish. I want to spend my money how I want to spend it. I want to be able to take a quick vacation to paris with my girlfriends (done once) because an opportunity presented itself. I love my DH very very much and I don't even like sharing him with the hospital so I can't imagine sharing him with more family than we already have. As I read on someone's post before, ortho isn't a family friendly industry so why would I want to make myself suffer even more. Taking care of the house, dogs, and kids, and trying to do it all without spending money on a nanny? I just can't rationalize it. (my opinion, and i appluad all other women who can handle it, I just know that I wouldn't be able to)

My second reason for only wanting one child, is that I loved being an only child. At times, when we moved I hated it because I had to restart all over again without a sister/brother to help me through moving. One, this made me a very outgoing person, it makes me enjoy meeting new people and my DH appreciates the fact that he can take me to a dinner party and I won't be a wallflower. I also was a very creative child. I was always doing crafts, writing stories or doing something. I read a lot and like someone posted earlier, my parents were able to devote all their attention to me so that I could become a smarter child. While, I was spoiled in the sense that my parents were a little bit more well off and I didn't have to work through college and they paid my bills...I still appreciate everything they did for me.

My third reason for wanting an only child is because my DH is not close with his brother. He says he is, but they only talk when they need something from each other. My mom and her sister are not close at all. They only talk when something is wrong with my grandfather and other than that they are mostly bad talking each other to me (can we say awkard). My father and stepmother who both come from families of 3+ kids are very very close with their family. While they live far away from one another, they do take the time to speak. So my options for having a happy family are to have more than 2 kids or to have one? I choose one. The argument I use with my DH all the time is that he is afraid the only won't have a "buddy". Guess what-I have best friends who are closer with me than thier own sisters. The best part about being an only is your parents save so much money throughout the year by only having to pay for one, that when you go on vacation you can bring a friend. This was always awsome for me because my BEST friend comes from a low-income family and wasn't privy to a lot of things in life that I was. Therefore, through me she was able to travel and see parts of the country that she never would have.

The only down side to having one is if it's a boy or a girl. I can 100% see having a girl, and then wanting to try for a boy. or vice versa. Which to me still is very selfish (imo, again I'm not judging others, it's just what I would choose to do)

[houseelf]

I have to comment on the article's take on smaller families due to economics. I'm all for financial responsibility, but if the ONLY reason someone is forgoing having a child or another child is because of the sheer economics of it, I would do everything in my power to advocate taking the plunge for another child. Really, you just make it work somehow financially. There are so many other much more compelling reasons to avoid having children, but the $280,000 price tag isn't one of them.

[GrayMatterWife]

I have to comment on the article's take on smaller families due to economics. I'm all for financial responsibility, but if the ONLY reason someone is forgoing having a child or another child is because of the sheer economics of it, I would do everything in my power to advocate taking the plunge for another child. Really, you just make it work somehow financially. There are so many other much more compelling reasons to avoid having children, but the $280,000 price tag isn't one of them.

ITA.

I made the mistake of wanting everything to be perfect before we had kids. And I imagined that we'd have one--maybe, MAYBE two--because that way, we would be sure to have "enough" disposable income so that having kids wouldn't really hamper our ability to live the exact way we want.

Having kids changes everything. What you thought was so important before...turns out to be completely unimportant. What you thought you wanted money for...turns out that you want money for completely different things.

We waited until I had paid off my law school loan, we owed no debt, DH was finishing up medical school (he'd done very well and also had completed a 9-year MD-PhD--with a promising academic medical career ahead of him--and I had a secured practice at a large large firm with a very good salary). Everything was completely perfect.

Then Sam arrived. And all that stuff we'd thought was perfect turned out to be unnecessary, and in many ways, irrelevant.

I've said it before: I wish we'd started earlier, worried less, and had more kids.

I don't think everyone should have kids. I don't think everyone should have a big family. But I would say, if you want kids, don't box yourself into a pre-determined number based on what you think you are financially capable of. Once the kids come, there will never be enough money to give them everything you'd like, and there most likely will be enough money to give them what they need that can be bought. It works out.

[poky]

I have to comment on the article's take on smaller families due to economics. I'm all for financial responsibility, but if the ONLY reason someone is forgoing having a child or another child is because of the sheer economics of it, I would do everything in my power to advocate taking the plunge for another child. Really, you just make it work somehow financially. There are so many other much more compelling reasons to avoid having children, but the $280,000 price tag isn't one of them.

Similarly, if the ONLY reason someone is considering having a second chid is because they don't want the first to be an "only", because if they're an only, they'll be selfish and spoiled, I would do everything in my power to advocate for letting go of that concern.

Maybe the lesson is that one should never let a single reason trump a lot of other reasons when it comes to big decisions, no matter how important that single reason seems?

I guess I'm clueless...I didn't realize that "only" children were stereotyped this way. That seems weird to me. Most "only" children I know are sensitive, engaging people who are not any more self-centered than anyone else I know. They never struck me as seeming "entitled" or "spoiled." Maybe it's just the "only"s I know. Or maybe it's because I know several families with three or four kids, who obscenely spoil their children to the point where you want to strangle them (the kids and the parents).

Oh yes, only children are most definitely stereotyped. I cringe inwardly when someone asks me if I have any brothers or sisters. Because 9 times out of 10, (and this is usually someone who I've just met or who I don't know very well), they say the exact same thing: "Well if you're an only child you must be spoiled." It's always the same line, and I'm extremely tired of it. That's why I dislike being asked this question. Strangely, I get asked whether I have any brothers or sisters a lot. It seems strange to me why people ask this question so frequently of adults.

[Tenacious_D]

I just want to add that I think parents who decide to have one kid do a better job in some respects of raising and focusing on one child. I don't think my parents would have been able to do that and kind of relied on us having each other (siblings) to entertain, play etc together. I have 2 brothers and one sister between my parents and 2 older sisters from my dads first marriage. I love having a big family and love having my siblings and surprisingly I get along with all of them and don't know what I would do without them. My brothers DO NOT get along at all. I think the stereotypes placed on only children are for a small section of folks. I do know some really "spoiled" only children but I also know far more who are kind, sharing etc. I think you can say the same stereotype about only children as you would about about the youngest in the family.

[SuzySunshine]

I think this is all very interesting, I'm wracking my brain and I don't think I have any friends that are only children. My best friend in grade school/high school got mistaken for one all the time because her siblings were so much older then her that people didn't realize she had any.

I have two sisters and while I consider us close we live far apart and get caught up in our own lives but when we're together or on the phone its like we were never gone. I also have friends who don't talk to their siblings so you never know. I agree that finances shouldn't be a reason to not have children, I think that number is ridiculous but that's just me.

[Chrisada]

My mother's only sibling is so toxic to her that she had to go to counselor on how to deal with her. She blames my mother for her failures in life and told her the week after my father passed that she wanted nothing to do with her. But of course calls when she needs something from her. I have seen her yell and curse at my mother for no reason. My mother lets her do this to her "because she is my sister." It really is the most disturbed relationship I have ever seen. My mother's life would have a whole let less stressful if she were an only child.

I on the other hand have a great relationship with my siblings, though we maybe talk every few weeks.

[houseelf]

Similarly, if the ONLY reason someone is considering having a second chid is because they don't want the first to be an "only", because if they're an only, they'll be selfish and spoiled, I would do everything in my power to advocate for letting go of that concern.

Word.

(Am I showing my age by saying "word"? Ha ha ha)

People always ask about siblings. I'll tell you what, though, I'd way rather have people ask me that than ask if I have kids.

I'd rather not be asked either question b/c I'm going to be perceived as being "different" than most people in terms of both answers. I'm an only child and I don't have kids yet. So I'm going to be unfairly stereotyped by strangers or people I don't know very well either way.

[peggyfromwastate]

Word.

(Am I showing my age by saying "word"? Ha ha ha)

Only if your mind goes into autoplay and you are singing *W-O-R-D uuuuuup. W-O-R-D uuuuup* and the rest of the "rap"... like I am right now. Thanks Kelly.