The Myth of the Only Child/Time Magazine

[DCJenn]

There's a fascinating article in Time Magazine this week- it's the cover story- about only children.

It's great because it does a very nice job in reviewing the various 'research' about only children (that they're spoiled, weird, self-centered, etc.) and essentially debunks those myths.

Anyone who IS an only child or has an only child (or is considering only having one) should read it. Actually everyone should read it, if only to review the analysis of the incredibly faulty research that's been done over the past 100 or so years about the personalities of only children.

I can't post it - or if I can I can't find it on their website at the moment (loooong day)

but really- go find it!

Jenn

[mommax3]

The Myth of the Only Child/Time Magazine

I read it and thought it was well-written. I second your recommendation!

[Meenah]

TIME Magazine Cover: The Only Child Myth - July 19, 2010 - Children - Parenting - Family - Society
http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20100719,00.html?artId=20100719?contType=g allery?chn=

[poky]

TIME Magazine Cover: The Only Child Myth - July 19, 2010 - Children - Parenting - Family - Society
http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20100719,00.html?artId=20100719?contType=g allery?chn=

And in case you miss the link to it from that page, this is an "abridged version" of the article:
http://www.time.com/time/nation/arti...002382,00.html

[Flynn]

Great article. We have good friends with one child and she's fantastic.

[moonlight]

i can't wait to read this! thanks!

This is an interesting topic and I'd like to read the article too. Will look for it later today. I'm an only child, and I'd like to briefly describe what the experience has been like for me, because I've actually been thinking about this topic a lot lately. As a child, being an only child was great--I enjoyed having all my parent's attention and not having to "compete" with any siblings for attention, grades, etc. I was the kind of only child who was never spoiled, but instead was raised to realize the value of money and to work for what I got. I always had summer jobs since I was old enough to work, and worked all through high school, and was not just given things. I also had tons of friends as a kid, and always had friends over or was at friends' houses. My parents did a good job of encouraging lots of interaction with other kids, through camp, activities, etc. Although I never had a pet growing up and I think that's essential for only children, because I did get lonely sometimes as a kid.

But since I've turned 30, my view about being an only child has changed a lot, and now I regard it as a huge negative--something that if I ever have kids, I will try to have two so that one child isn't an only child, because I see it as having way more negatives than positives. I never really thought about my only child state until after I turned 30, and before 30 I would have said that being an only child was fine.

But after 30 I started to realize how "alone" in the world I feel b/c I don't have a brother or sister. I don't have the companionship of a sibling, or anyone to be there for me besides my husband (my parents live a 6-hour plane ride away). I have a very strong sense all the time that I am completely alone, except for DH--that I don't have any family (besides my parents) who care about me. Sure, I have friends, but not the kind of friends who are able to really be there for me when I need emotional or in-person support. My friends live all over the country, and I don't have any good friends in our current location. It's a very distressing feeling to feel completely "alone," and I don't think I'd feel this way if I had a sibling. There have been many instances in the past few years (having surgery, etc.) where I felt completely alone and having a sibling would have been nice for the emotional or in-person support during these difficult and stressful times. I feel like DH and I have to shoulder burdens completely alone.

When my parents need help, I'm the only person they turn to, which is really difficult, and when I need help, I feel that I don't have anyone to turn to besides DH, since my parents tend to be very critical and judgmental so I don't really confide in them much. Also, our family is very "small" since it's just me and my parents, and since they live completely across the country, there's no one to celebrate events with or holidays with, since they rarely come to visit. In fact, they came to visit me in May and before that they hadn't visited in 2.5 years. So it's always just DH and I on the holidays, so that makes me feel very "alone," whereas if I had a sibling I probably would feel less alone in the world, and more of a sense of belonging.

Also, there isn't anyone for me to discuss raising children with or questions I have about children, since I don't have a sibling who has kids. None of my friends are at that stage yet (they're all single actually) and I have so many questions about pregnancy and raising kids, and no one to help me with that kind of thing. I read a lot of websites and parenting magazines to get answers, but it's not the same as talking to someone who has experienced it.

Overall, my own experience has led me to feel that being an only child is more of a negative than a positive. I really can't think of any positives about the experience, come to think of it. This is something I think about a lot now that I'm an adult and as I do a lot of reflection on my feelings about the concept of family.

[Vishenka69]

Off to read the article. I'm an only child and have always loved it. Even now, in my early 30s, I still prefer it this way. I'm seriously considering not having anymore kids and really don't get the whole, "But you HAVE to have AT LEAST two!" Having a sibling doesn't guarantee closeness or even a half-decent relationship.

[ides]

The Myth of the Only Child/Time Magazine

Just because you have siblings does not mean you will not be lonely or that you will be great friends or share opinions. Most people I know with siblings do not get along with them & don't wish to spend time together. It is sometimes easier to get along when older but not always.

My 2cents.

[MrsK]

This is an interesting topic and I'd like to read the article too. Will look for it later today. I'm an only child, and I'd like to briefly describe what the experience has been like for me, because I've actually been thinking about this topic a lot lately. As a child, being an only child was great--I enjoyed having all my parent's attention and not having to "compete" with any siblings for attention, grades, etc. I was the kind of only child who was never spoiled, but instead was raised to realize the value of money and to work for what I got. I always had summer jobs since I was old enough to work, and worked all through high school, and was not just given things. I also had tons of friends as a kid, and always had friends over or was at friends' houses. My parents did a good job of encouraging lots of interaction with other kids, through camp, activities, etc. Although I never had a pet growing up and I think that's essential for only children, because I did get lonely sometimes as a kid.

But since I've turned 30, my view about being an only child has changed a lot, and now I regard it as a huge negative--something that if I ever have kids, I will try to have two so that one child isn't an only child, because I see it as having way more negatives than positives. I never really thought about my only child state until after I turned 30, and before 30 I would have said that being an only child was fine.

But after 30 I started to realize how "alone" in the world I feel b/c I don't have a brother or sister. I don't have the companionship of a sibling, or anyone to be there for me besides my husband (my parents live a 6-hour plane ride away). I have a very strong sense all the time that I am completely alone, except for DH--that I don't have any family (besides my parents) who care about me. Sure, I have friends, but not the kind of friends who are able to really be there for me when I need emotional or in-person support. My friends live all over the country, and I don't have any good friends in our current location. It's a very distressing feeling to feel completely "alone," and I don't think I'd feel this way if I had a sibling. There have been many instances in the past few years (having surgery, etc.) where I felt completely alone and having a sibling would have been nice for the emotional or in-person support during these difficult and stressful times. I feel like DH and I have to shoulder burdens completely alone.

When my parents need help, I'm the only person they turn to, which is really difficult, and when I need help, I feel that I don't have anyone to turn to besides DH, since my parents tend to be very critical and judgmental so I don't really confide in them much. Also, our family is very "small" since it's just me and my parents, and since they live completely across the country, there's no one to celebrate events with or holidays with, since they rarely come to visit. In fact, they came to visit me in May and before that they hadn't visited in 2.5 years. So it's always just DH and I on the holidays, so that makes me feel very "alone," whereas if I had a sibling I probably would feel less alone in the world, and more of a sense of belonging.

Also, there isn't anyone for me to discuss raising children with or questions I have about children, since I don't have a sibling who has kids. None of my friends are at that stage yet (they're all single actually) and I have so many questions about pregnancy and raising kids, and no one to help me with that kind of thing. I read a lot of websites and parenting magazines to get answers, but it's not the same as talking to someone who has experienced it.

Overall, my own experience has led me to feel that being an only child is more of a negative than a positive. I really can't think of any positives about the experience, come to think of it. This is something I think about a lot now that I'm an adult and as I do a lot of reflection on my feelings about the concept of family.

I agree with Lily that this is sort of an idealized view of the sibling relationship. I have two brothers. I adore them and I'd say that I'm even rather close to them. We had a lot of fun growing up but the relationships change as siblings grow and marry. Now they we all live apart from eachother, they have their own families, and I rarely hear from them. Lots of grown men don't call their moms very often once they marry. Same goes for sisters. I'm glad to know that they are out there in the world and I worry for their happiness but I'm definitely not looking to them for advise and socialization very often. Even when it comes to caring for aging parents, in most families there is one sibling that brunts the burden of it all. When my mom had cancer, one of my brothers was living with her and I was still the one she called when she needed help.

I guess that a lot of people I know live near their siblings, and seem to have a great relationship with them--talking to them on the phone all the time, getting together all the time. This seems to be the case more often for sisters, rather than brothers or brothers and sisters.

I guess that I feel if I had a sibling, maybe we'd have the close, supportive relationship that I've always longed for, though I know realistically that this is not often the case.

[scrub-jay]

I have one brother, and we are very close and enjoy each others company (we have the exact same sense of humor!). BUT, he, like the rest of my family live 1500 miles away. *shrug* So I feel isolated from family anyway, sibling or none. Medical mistress is to blame!!

-C

[peggyfromwastate]

We have a large family, and I grew up in a large family. That being said, I don't think there's a *right* or better family structure. Almost all of my kids' best friends happen to be only children. They have culture shock when they come to our house! The activity and noise level are just way out there compared to what they are used to.

I also have seen disastrous relationships in adulthood. For me, I get along fine with my siblings, but none of us are uber-close. We don't talk on the phone or anything. I live far away from everyone now, but when I lived in the same town with them it was the same way. If I feel lonely and isolated in the world, which I do at times most certainly, I don't think it's because I'm not super close with my sister or my brothers. I just think sometimes I feel lonely and isolated in the world.

I know that my parents are dealing with caring for their respective parents, and like MrsK said, it's usually one sibling who bears the brunt of that, and for our families it's been my mom and dad. Even though my dad lives cross country from his mother (and father before he died), he still did most of the work. They tried to split the tasks up, but it just ends up being done by the person who will get it done...

[madeintaiwan]

I have two brothers, but I still consider myself an "only child." Only because my brothers were born when I was 18 and 21 years old. However, I did not grow up as the stereotypical "only child." We were poor and my mother is, well my mother. Anyone that knows my mom, knows that life is about nothing but hard work, sacrifice, earning things, with a little fun on the side. I got my first job when I was 14 and had to make my way through college. Don't get me wrong, I still had "nice" things but they were earned through straight A's, outstanding behavior, and cleaning the house every Saturday.

Really life is a mixed bag. I am REALLY close to two of cousins who are 1 and 6 years older than me. I have a childhood friend with whom we are no longer really close but until I left for college I grew up as part of their family. I know that I could call on her and she would do whatever she could for me. So while I have gone through lonely times in my life, I have always had somewhere to turn to. But that "someone" can be anyone. In truth, my cousins are not even bloodly related to me, but no one would ever know unless they started asking questions. Loneliness comes in all shapes. Having a sibling does not guarantee that you will not feel lonely OR that you will have less work in regards to carrying for aging parents. I already know that we will be taking care of my MIL despite my husband being her youngest child. There are people who have nothing and no one, yet they seem to have a life full of joy and happiness, while there are others who have lots and know tons of people yet they are one of the saddest people on the planet.

Despite being an only child, I feel like I'm pretty adjusted with a decent head on my shoulders and a good grip on life. I am fortunate to have an awesome family but if I didn't there are always friends. While I am not a social butterfly, I have plenty of friends in my corner that I share my life with, in good times and bad. I agree with Peggy, there isn't a "right" or "better" family structure. Blood does not guarantee that you will be close, it doesn't even guarantee that you will be a "family." And physical distance isn't necessarily a determining factor in closeness. I am super close to my mom and at one time we had gone 3 years without seeing each other. I rarely ever see my family or friends from back home [maybe every 6 months, really it's a year or more between visits; I went 3 years without going back to my hometown], but I know that I could call them for anything.


I am going to read the article. I really hate the only child stigma.

[oceanchild]

I only read the online version of the article, which is apparently abridged, but I don't care for the way they began with the economic prism. Sure, kids are expensive, but like all other money questions, it's all about priorities. I don't ever see myself having a huge family, but I don't want to make that decision based on some perceived notion of how expensive kids are.

Anyway, I have two siblings, and I'm crazy about them, but I've seen enough dysfunctional families (my extended family included) to know that isn't a given.