When to stop having parties...

[PrincessFiona]

This is a kind of interesting question..but several of my friends are no longer having birthday parties for their children after they hit the 2nd or 3rd GRADE! Honestly, I don't remember having b-day parties until I hit that age. Then I had regular parties through junior-high and had a friend or two over during high school.

It seems like the b-day party trend has gotten younger and younger...we've been invited to HUGE blowout bashes for 1 year olds that are exhausted and cry through half of the party..then it seems by the time the child is old enough to enjoy a party and really help with planning, etc. we're too burned out to keep it up??? I don't know ... I'm guessing.

I'm really bothered by this turn of events because we haven't really had a party for Alex yet and he is 4 1/2. Andrew had his first party at 4 or 5 as did Amanda...we just didn't see a reason to go all out when they were very little..now I'm afraid that we may have to cut the b-day celebration thing short...if people aren't having parties for their chidren anymore by teh 2nd or 3rd grade it would just be weird for us to do the same.

kris

[Rapunzel]

Neither my husband or I had "birthday parties" (in the sense of friends coming over, entertainment, and gifts) when we were growing up. To tell you the truth it has been kind of weird for us to throw birthday parties for our kids. We started doing it simply because that is what our kids' friends' parents were doing (love that peer pressure). Now after 6 years of throwing children's birthday parties I'm kind of burnt out as well. I think I want to start a tradition of going to a favorite restaraunt or on a day trip for my kids' birthdays. I'm also uncomfortable with parents having to buy toys for my kids - my children already have waaaaay too many toys and there are always those families that can barely afford toys for their own children let alone someone else's!

I think I might let the kids start having true "birthday parties" again when they are older (say 12ish) IF they request them....

Jennifer

I'm also uncomfortable with parents having to buy toys for my kids - my children already have waaaaay too many toys and there are always those families that can barely afford toys for their own children let alone someone else's!

Jennifer

I agree on both fronts. In fact, we are looking at new "storage" options for Bryn's two little play areas with this recent influx of toys. We try to keep a something-in and something-out policy for our house so it doesn't burst at the seams....but that is harder with the toys. We sold some at our recent garage sale and try to cycle out ones that Bryn outgrows....but still. I think next time we might just do a gift-exchange -- that way every kid goes home with something. We only gave Bryn a few little presents because we knew she would get them from friends and family. We considered the party the present.

Since Bryn is younger, I haven't heard about that trend Kris. But my recollection is the same -- I think I started having parties around 5 yo? But I do remember going to them for 3 and 4 year olds. We did have little parties with our extended family when we were younger. Maybe a friend or two came to those?

Honestly, I could have done with fewer kids at Bryn's party. I just didn't want any kids from her preschool to feel left out. I think that for the older age parties maybe you could take your child and two friends to a special dinner and a movie or some show they are interested in. ?? It would still be nice to have a small celebration.

[mommax3]

I think you should do what works for your family -- if hardly anyone is having birthday parties after a certain age, the other kids will be that much more excited to come to a party for your kids.

My oldest son has had a party pretty much every year, with the exception of his third birthday. His sixth birthday was in combination with his brother's third birthday, and also kind of a good-bye party since we were about to move. My second son has had his share of birthday parties as well. Since we have been far from family basically the whole time we have had kids, I feel like there isn't much of a celebration if we don't have a party --- but this comes from my background, because my mom was great at making birthdays really special (I only remember about 3 parties growing up, though) and then I got to celebrate all over again with my dad, since my parents were divorced. Hard act to follow!

My oldest already knows that he is not having a party next year, but he will get to do something special with one or two friends when he turns 10 the year after. The second one will have a party when he turns six, but then not for a while. I would like to get things to where only one child has a party in any given year, and only on "milestone" birthdays. It just gets too expensive and too stressful to do it any other way! (Not to mention the plethora of toys that the kids already have, like Rapunzel mentioned...)

Sally

This is an interesting topic. I grew up with family-only birthday parties. I think I had one party when I turned 12 with a bunch of friends at a park. But ... otherwise, it was always just a family event.

Now ... I am amazed that people throw such big parties for the young kids who will have no memory of the experience later on. Jacob had his first birthday party at 4. He had another party at 6 (where I took eight 6-year old boys bowling! 8O ) and a really cool Harry Potter party when he was 9. By the way ... he doesn't remember either the 4-year old party or the bowling.

I used to alternate every other year to give me a break but also to give other kids' parents a break from planning one every year when so many other friends were also having birthday parties.

Zachary just turned 9 last week. He has only had one full out party with friends, albeit 12 of them showed up!! It was fun and I am willing to give a party if they want one. My kids though are quite shy and don't like to be the center of attention. I asked Zachary if he wanted any friends to come over because he had been decorating the house for over a week for his party. Nope. He just wanted it to be the family. We try to make that day extra special for them though. We try to go out to eat at a place of the birthday boy's choice.

The big thing for my kids is picking out what kind of cake they are going to get. They pick the theme and like to be a part of making the cake and decorating. Zachary would rather play games at home than go somewhere but Jacob is much more into going some place fun.

I have noticed that Jacob (11) doesn't get invited to as many parties as he used to just because they aren't having the parties. In fact, the last couple of birthday parties he went to ... they just invited two boys and they went to a huge arcade or laser tag place or something like that. I would say the parties really start dwindling at 10. That is just my experience though.

My younger ones - 6 and 3 have never had a friend birthday party. Tyler's birthday is in September and he just started kindergarten last year and we still didn't know anyone. I may throw a party for him this year with friends if he wants.

I don't know if I like the school rule here where every child in the classroom must be invited to a birthday party. I understand that you don't want anyone to feel bad because they didn't get invited but my one friend invited her son's class and almost everyone came. There were 20 kids at the party!!!! 8O My son also went who didn't go to his school. He hardly even said a word to the birthday boy because there were so many kids. I realize that doesn't always happen but it sure is hard to plan for. I must admit that I don't push my kids to have a party. I am very content to have a family birthday party and keep life a little simpler.

Robin

[Rapunzel]

I don't know if I like the school rule here where every child in the classroom must be invited to a birthday party. I understand that you don't want anyone to feel bad because they didn't get invited but my one friend invited her son's class and almost everyone came. There were 20 kids at the party!!!! 8O Robin

How does the school think they are going to enforce that kind of "rule"? I get so annoyed when government beauracracies try to control every aspect of a child's existance! Seriously, though, what kind of useless un-inforcible rule is that?! I'd respond to the school with, "I'll decide who I invite to my own home thank you very much!"

That rule does seem sort of silly. I can see why schools would have a "rule" that each child has to bring a valentine for every child in the class or that sort of thing -- for activities that take place in the classroom. But requiring an entire class to be invited to a home birthday party is a huge burden on the parent!

After the recent b-day party, my new "rule" on this -- if I'm going to use the cubbies in my daughter's preschool class to distribute invitations, I should give one to every child. If I'm only going to invite a few kids, I'll send it by mail. Probably a non-sensical rule as well but one I can live with! I'll send cupcakes to school so the whole class can sing to her and celebrate then we'll have a smaller gathering with a few friends (invited by mail ).

That rule was enforced at my son's school or at least his 1st grade class last year. He brought his invitations to class to pass out and his teacher stopped him and told him unless EVERYONE was invited he had to pass them out after school. She said it wasn't fair to just invite some kids and not others and just his class and not other classes. 8O Like I'm going to invite the whole freaking school! We had planned to invite all the boys so that it wasn't a personal thing but a "I don't want a bazillion kids in my house" thing. The teacher realized that I wasn't trying to exclude anyone but still wouldn't let him pass out his invitations until after school.

Kris, I think if you want to have a birthday party for your bunchkin then have one. I haven't noticed any trend either way so do what your child would like to do for his special day.

[PrincessFiona]

the 'rule'

Actually, I'll be the voice of dissent here...I liked that rule. When we were in PA and FL that was the way things were. There was a school directory in each state for the school that you could opt in or out of, so if you wanted to only invite a few kids then you could easily call the parents or mail out the invites...otherwise, you invited the class. I don't think that is really an unfair rule. It might require a bit more effort, but it spares children's feelings when they are little. The nice thing about it was that most people had the parties in their home if they did decide to invite the class....and they were low-key, inexpensive affairs...all of the kids were included and interestingly, the parents also had to stay..something that I found very annoying at the time but appreciate now. By the end of the year we had been invited to 5 parties out of 22 children in the class...so obviously many parents opted to mail out invites....I think that excluding children from parties when they are that young is mean. When we were new to the area, it was great because we instantly met other moms and all of the kids in the class...At the end of the year, I really felt comfortable with many of the moms and knew my children's friends.

In MN, there is no school directory because it 'might' step on someone's toes....of course, the idea that you could opt out of having your phone/address posted hasn't really caught on and so they simply refuse to consider it. When invites come out, they only go to 5 or 6 children in the class. The entire first year that we were here, my children knew no one, and they weren't invited to a single party. They were very disappointed and my daughter in particular had her feelings hurt when little girls in the class who she considered friends didn't invite her.

I invited the whole class to the kid's parties the first year and just made it a low-brow event. I didn't spend more money than I did this year when I only invited the boys (Andrew) and the girls (Amanda). This year they just had more candy to go around and there was more cake/pizza left over.

Yah life is hard, and they have to learn to deal with the tough knocks...but you know..I liked it better the other way when people didn't hand out an invitation to their party when they sat right next to you while excluding you..it reminds me of Valentine's day when I always worried about not getting any cards (I was always the new girl ) and the other girls always had their bags stuffed to the rim. I support forcing children to have a card for every child too...

Ahh..the voice of dissent :mrgreem:

kris

[SueC]

When I was a kid I had a party every year until I was about 10. My parents did have a policy that I had to invite all of the kids in the class. Or for a sleepover, all of the girls. At the time I couldn't stand that rule but looking back I remember a brain injured kid in my class who everyone teased that was thrilled to be invited to my party.
Our daughters are only 3 and almost 2, and so far we have only had one party for each of them. I think until they are 3 they aren't really old enough to care anyway, but it seems like up until at least 8 or 9 they would enjoy having a party, or at least inviting some close friends for movie and pizza, etc.

Wow, Thu Van, if you invited all of the first grade classes that could be, like 60 kids! 8O

I think it is ok to invite all the boys or all the girls and you should be able to distribute the invitations through school when inviting that way. If you just want to invite a few friends, Kris makes a good point about kids feeling left out. Yes, kids will somehow be jerky to other kids, but it would be nice if they didn't have the chance to wave birthday invitations in each other's faces. I am kind of sensitive to the "new kid" idea right now as I realize that Bryn will be that new kid when she starts kindergarten in Portland and not have the benefit of knowing a lot of the neighborhood kids, being in the neighborhood playgroups, etc. She is quick to make friends with kids in her classroom but she is also very comfortable where she is. I am hoping the transition to a new location will be harder for me than her.

[Rapunzel]

I was the only child out of my class not invited to fellow students' parties not once but twice in my school days. It was awful and hurt terribly - especially since I felt purposely excluded (and who wouldn't if you have about twenty kids in a class and you are the only one not invited). Obviously the nice thing to do is take into consideration the feelings of others. HOWEVER, I do not think any entity should attempt to enforce such social rules. You simply cannot "make" someone nice and had their been such a rule at my school I probably would have still felt very uncomfortable - not knowing if I was invited because I was wanted or simply because it was "the rule". I think it is terrible that there are parents who do not really care a whit about little kids but I also think a rule trying to force others to do the right thing is a very, very bad idea and results in completely silly situations such as the ones that have been mentioned here.

What's next, not allowing kids to invite their friends from school over to play unless they invite the entire class? Life is tough, bad things happen, but ridiculous rules don't make people kind and considerate.

[PrincessFiona]

invites

HOWEVER, I do not think any entity should attempt to enforce such social rules.

I agree, Jenn...but who says it is our right as parents to give out invitations at school anyway? Why should school be the place for that It is convenient that all of the children are congregated there and invites can easily be given out, but should school be the place for this and do we as parents have an inalienable right to hand out our invites there? I don't want things like this regulated, but I don't think school is the place for handing out invites unless you give one to each child. If you can't have a party and invite everyone, mail your invites. Anything else is rude and hurtful to the children who are not invited...again...life is tough and we all have to learn to roll with the punches. It is just my opinion that school is not the correct place to be singling out students to hand out invititations to parties.

Maybe instead of enforcing a rule that either all children are invited or no one is schools should simply say "no invites..do it on your own time, not ours"



I know, I know..I'm mean...but I don't think an institution of public or private education has to even permit the handing out of invites, etc...If it can't be done failry, it shouldn't be done at all. At the end of the day, it is the teacher and the school that have to deal with the consequences of hurt children, bullies, and the myriad of social problems going on today...they shouldn't be responsible for our birthday invitations too. Allowing the selective giving of invites means students are left out and some even picked on! I remember when Andrew was left out of a big pool party our first year here...the boys that were going (btw, all of the boys in Andrew's class but him and one other child were invited) teased Andrew and this other child Stephen. It was ridiculous to hear that first graders were actually joking and laughing and taunting him that he was not invited. It was also a devastating blow to his self-esteem...I pay taxes to send my child to school to get an education...not to be invited to parties or not invited as the case may be.

kris

I guess I think it is sort of unfortunate that schools do have to get involved in this at all.
In my opinion, excluding one child (or a small handful of children) from being invited to a birthday party for hurtful purposes is bullying. And I don't think that schools should tolerate any type of bullying when they see it. That said, I don't think anyone should tell me that my child has to invite a child she doesn't like/doesn't play with to her party. But in that case, I don't think the invitations should be passed out at school. I also don't think that excluding all boys or all girls is a problem.

Kids do a lot of awful mean things to each other and that is life. But if there are clear, identifiable ways that schools can prevent bullying, through party invitations, then that is fine by me. I don't think that this would extend to forcing a child to invite a certain kid over to play -- or the whole class . Parting of making friends is finding kids they like to play with and be around and I don't think that should be interfered with too much (unless the kid is a horrible influence). But if my child doesn't like another child, I would expect her to be kind to that child and treat her respectfully. And I would want that in return for her.

btw, after thinking about this, I am leaning toward just inviting the whole darn class to a party or having a quick party for the whole class at school. Bryn has been invited to several parties where the whole class was invited. We just go to the ones of her closest friends -- I imagine that other parents would make similar decisions.

[SueC]

I tend to agree that the school having a policy about not passing out the invitations in class is a good one. Though, my kids aren't in school yet so what in the heck do I know about that!