How do you....

[houseelf]

What advice do you have on introducing the concept that your child will have a sibling? We haven't told our three year old son yet because we want to wait until the second trimester when the time gets closer and we feel more confident that everything looks like this pregnancy is a go.

Already we have tried to reel in some of our parents-of-only-child tendencies by not carrying him around all the time, putting him back into his bed at night when he creeps in, and helping him to learn to dress himself. Hopefully installing this independence now will serve us well when he has to share his mommy and daddy.

Any suggestions on how to smooth the transition for him? He is a pretty articulate three and a half year old, so hopefully this will help. Also, when he asks, any suggestions on how I explain breastfeeding in an age appropriate manner? My nephew was shocked when he saw his new baby sister sucking on mommy's "elbow".

Kelly

Kelly,
I think it is wise to wait until 2nd trimester for a few reasons. First, you want to reach a point where you have told everyone because once the kiddo knows, that information is fair game for anyone. Second, the six months or so they have to wait for their sibling is a *really* long time -- about 1/6 of his entire life! The less he waits the better, IMO.

We told Bryn when I was about 13 weeks pregnant. We told her at dinner that we had special news for her -- that she was going to be a BIG sister. Her friend recently became a big sis so she thought this was pretty cool. We told her that mom has a baby in her belly (I've heard that kids are sometimes confused that mom ATE the baby 8O but so far no problem with that). And no questions (yet) about how the babe got there. So, we try to talk about it pretty freely, ask her what she thinks about it. We tell her we don't know if it's a boy or girl -- so now she has imaginary conversations with her brother OR sister. We took her to the 12/13 week visit where the dr. listened for the heartbeat -- she *really* liked that.

I think it is generally a good idea to talk about what it will be like when the baby arrives. We have looked at Bryn's baby pictures quite a bit as part of this to show her how small she was, tell her that she slept/ate/pooped/slept and that's about it. We tell her the baby will nurse a lot because baby's can't eat regular food yet, that sort of thing. My cousin took this approach and it worked pretty well in terms of preparing her daughter. If you have any pictures of you nursing Cade, I would show him those -- that way the idea won't be quite as strange! Or if any friends or relatives have babies, if he could see them nursing that might be helpful too.

[mommax3]

There are several children's books that deal with this topic --- we used a couple of them and they were big hits. (I think one was by Joanna Cole.) So check your library or local bookstore (or Amazon). We took our oldest to one of our ultrasounds, (it was around sixteen weeks) and he really enjoyed that --- it seemed to make it more real to him. He was 2 3/4 at the time, so I am sure your son would love it, too. He also liked hearing the baby's heartbeat.

As for nursing, some of the books dealt with that, but just talk about how you nursed him when he was a baby and that you will nurse the new baby also. Get him around some nursing moms if you know any and they don't mind. He may want to taste when he sees the real deal, so be prepared with how you want to handle that.

We talked A LOT about the baby's deveolpment and looked at that book "A Child Is Born" by Nilsson(?) that has all of those awesome pictures of the developing baby. When I knew that the baby could hear, I would have Luke talk to him and sing to him, and of course he loved to feel kicks. We also talked about what a newborn would be like, the clothes he would wear, how he wouldn't play much at first and would be fragile, and how Luke could help Mommy when the baby came (get diapers and wipes, etc.) We also talked a lot about how it was when Luke was a newborn, and looked at pictures and videos so he would see that he had received the same treatment once upon a time.

One caveat -- in one of the kids' books we read, the new baby was named Thomas. That book happened to be Luke's favorite, but he got the idea that our baby would be named Thomas also, and he was quite adamant about it, in the way only a two year old can be. Thomas wasn't really a name we had considered, but we reached a compromise by the time Joel Thomas was born.

My oldest is my toughest kid, but his adjustment to his little brother went like a dream --- more due to the spacing between them than to anything we did to prepare him. I think once kids can talk, making that transition is much easier.

How are you feeling?

Sally

[Rapunzel]

My only suggestion is to expose your child to friends with more than one child. If your child is often around families with siblings - particularly those with a nursing baby - your child will naturally accept and adjust to a sibling (with bumps - but there's always bumps in the road). It worked well with my oldest.

Jennifer

[houseelf]

Thanks for sharing your personal experiences. These are great suggestions. Sally, I never really thought about reviewing his babyhood memorabilia, but it makes great sense.

Nellie, "Brynn" is on our current short list for a girl name. Of course, this list will change a million times before March. Are you going to find out the sex ahead of time? I was on the fence but after shopping with Kris at the Carter's outlet, I realized that I have to know so that I can go shopping! Any thoughts as to what this one may be? How are you feeling?

Sally, re: How am I feeling? Gross and crabby. In the last week four different people have politely pointed out that I'm a little more "harsh" than usual. Of course, my dh comes out and tells it like it is: "You are crabby", which of course, put his physical well being in jeopardy. I'm naseous, fatigued, and slightly manic....so I guess this means that the pregnancy test was correct.

Kelly

[Phoebe]

Kelly, we have been trying to prepare our daughter for the arrival of her new sibling these past few months. We started talking about having a baby about half way through the pregnancy. I still don't know if she fully comprehends the concept given that she isn't quite two yet. She likes to look at my belly and kiss it and knows her "baby sister" is in there. We also included her in the ultrasound, but she didn't grasp what was happening.

A couple things that have made a difference was that she loves to look at magazines so we look at the pictures of pregnancy and parents with babies to give her points of reference. We used to catch the tail end of the "Baby Story" on TLC and she knew that the baby was born and saw the parents holding them.

As far as understanding the role of a sibling, see if you can find the book, "I'm the Big Brother" by Joanna Cole. We found the sister version at Target. The book talks the child through the special role of being "big sibling" and the things the new baby can does compared to things the older child can do. It also makes a point that the older child is special to his parents and is a big help to the new baby. Avery likes this book. I recently found a Sesame Street video, "We've Got a New Baby at Home" which was a little over Avery's head, but explained the concept.

Like you mentioned, we have also been working on Avery being a little more independent, plus I am getting too big to carry her!

Good luck with everything. Cade will make a wonderful sibling!

Jennifer

Nellie, "Brynn" is on our current short list for a girl name. Of course, this list will change a million times before March. Are you going to find out the sex ahead of time? I was on the fence but after shopping with Kris at the Carter's outlet, I realized that I have to know so that I can go shopping! Any thoughts as to what this one may be? How are you feeling?

Sally, re: How am I feeling? Gross and crabby. In the last week four different people have politely pointed out that I'm a little more "harsh" than usual. Of course, my dh comes out and tells it like it is: "You are crabby", which of course, put his physical well being in jeopardy. I'm naseous, fatigued, and slightly manic....so I guess this means that the pregnancy test was correct.

Kelly

I like the "Brynn" spelling for Bryn/n too. I don't think we are going to find out the sex. I am leaning toward finding out just out of curiousity but Eric is opposed -- he doesn't want to know. I think it will be a fun surprise for Bryn (and the rest of us!). Eric really thinks its a girl and I just don't know.

I am feeling MUCH better now that I have hit the second trimester. Thank goodness this came faster than last time!! I have a lot more energy (I can even stay up 'til 10p!), no longer feel sick as long as I keep from getting too hungry, and am not such an incredible crab. I still feel kind of thick and .....not so great looking. I think I need a shirt that says "I'm pregnant! Really!" Same for the swimsuit. I am looking forward to just wearing a bikini and letting the belly hang out and not worrying about my waistline -- it's gone!. I am starting to look a little bit pregnant. It's that awkward my clothes don't fit, I don't need the maternity belly panel yet, no way am I spending $$ on clothes to wear for 6 weeks stage. Time to raid the closets for friends for those "transition" clothes!

Oh....I understand the crabbiness and not feeling well. You (and your family ) have six more weeks of it, give or take? Be good to yourself.

[Meenah]

I did all kinds of things, but the ONLY thing that really made a difference was the last two months I started telling Amy (my oldest) she had to wait. It didn't matter what for, I just wanted her to get used to me making her wait for things so she wouldn't blame it on a new baby. One of my sisters told me to do this and I think it really helped.
Luanne

[mommax3]

Luanne has a very good suggestion --- I wish I would have done that.

BTW, Luanne, I love your signature...."that is enough". It made me laugh.

Sally