Absentee Dad?

[hedixo01]

I have not been on here in sometime, but my husband is freaking out, so I'm here seeking advice and inquiring about other's experiences.

DH is going to be a non-traditional med student; he'll be 27 when he starts this Fall. That is if he gets in; this is his second time applying and I'm afraid since he's a late applicant. His scores and background are great, and he's improved himself from last year's attempt, but I'll be worried until he actually starts.

What he's currently freaking out about is the fact that we have two children already (boy will be 5/girl 3), and he doesn't want to be the absentee dad during school and residency. We also want more kids, and are not really willing to wait until he's completely finished with everything to have them. He doesn't want to disappoint his kids because he can't make the baseball game or the dance recital; or spend so many hours studying that he can't make it home until they're already asleep. It doesn't help that he's been reading on Reddit all the negative posts about how difficult juggling med school and a personal life is. I know it will be difficult and that there will be some sacrifices; we've both known this since the beginning. But both of us working through his undergrad and his master's degrees has been difficult too, so I'm more than confident that we can succeed. I'm planning to cut back on working or (depending on the loans we get) stay at home completely. We have family in the area, that are already a great support system, and will continue to be so. I'm more than willing to be creative about finding ways to spend quality time together. I'm planning to homeschool, so I can make the kids as flexible as they need to be to see their dad. I'm ready to dive in, grab the bull by the horns and get dirty.

So, my questions are: For those of you that had children in medical school (especially if they were older) how bad were the hours really? Do you feel that your spouse's relationship with said kids has been negatively effected by the hours put in? What ideas have you come up with to make things easier on your family? etc.

I'm sure this question has been posed before, but I'm too lazy to go searching through the archives for it. Thanks in advance for any advice/encouragement!

[diggitydot]

We were in a similar boat. My dude was non-trad and we had three kids during med school. It's doable, but he won't be available for every single thing. He was late getting to school programs and completely absent for most parent-teacher conferences (that won't ever really change with then residency and attendinghood),

I give my dude a LOT of credit, though. He studied like a beast, but was really great about the work/family balance. We instituted a weekly family pajama party that the kids knew dad would ALWAYS be home to attend. It may not sound like much, but when he was leaving before they were up for school and coming home after they were already in bed, it was a big deal to everyone.

It can be done. No, he won't be there for everything, but he can be an involved and active member of the fam.

[hedixo01]

I love the pajama party idea! I was just telling him this morning that we can get creative with ways to spend awesome times together. The school we're hoping he gets into (it's his best shot too) has great parks close by. I'm planning to pack picnic dinners and meet him when studying keeps him there late. I do expect him to miss stuff. Heck we've both missed some stuff already, working twelve hour days in an ER. I just want some back up so that when he gets negative I can show him all the other families that have gotten through the same things.

[diggitydot]

Meeting for dinner/lunch/snack is a great idea. My dude's med school had a lot of families and we frequently got together on-campus and had impromptu potlucks. After eating, the med students would go back to studying and the families would head home.

It's not a perfect set-up, but it's totally workable. You just have to figure out what works best for your fam.

Our closest med school friends also had two kids (the same ages as our two oldest) and we hung out all the time. The dudes would sometimes disappear to work on their residency program Spreadsheet From Hell while the kids played together and the other wife and I drank copious quantities of wine. They're awesome people who we still socialize with a decade later. Doing med school with as a non-trad with kids doesn't have to suck.

[MrsK]

My DH was a non-traditional student too. We met and married during med school and had two kids during residency. I think he actually had more time/flexibility during med school than he has had during residency. He choose psych in lieu of surgery/emergency medicine so he would have a better work/life balance. He misses a lot of time with the kids. It helps that I'm a SAHM because then at least one of us knows them really well. But often he'll come home for bath/bedtime and then go back to work/studying once the kids are in bed. (So, the kids get time with him but there is not a lot of kid-free time for the two of us.) Today, he woke early, rounded, and now he's at the art museum with our 3yo. He'll likely be working/studying more this afternoon/evening but our son will be glad for the time he got with daddy. It's not easy and he's not with the children as much as he'd like to be but he is definitely not an absentee father.

[GrayMatterWife]

For those of you that had children in medical school (especially if they were older) how bad were the hours really? Do you feel that your spouse's relationship with said kids has been negatively effected by the hours put in? What ideas have you come up with to make things easier on your family? etc.

I'm sure this question has been posed before, but I'm too lazy to go searching through the archives for it. Thanks in advance for any advice/encouragement!

We had one in med school, two in residency, and expect our fourth in April (first year of attendinghood).

Medical school was a breeze. The hours are nothing like residency--or, at least, weren't for us. It is school, after all. Study, go to class, and do your clinical rotations. It had much better hours than, say, MY job at the time!

I think the hours required of medical school and, far more so, residency made my husband a better man, a better husband, and a better father. It forced him to really prioritize his time, organize, and appreciate all he had. It was no different in terms of hours than any other high-powered, type-A job--and, in some ways, the lifestyle is better. I know a LOT of financial advisors, investment bankers, real estate guys, lawyers and so forth whose hours are a lot worse and require a LOT of their free time to be devoted to rainmaking. They have no home life.

I don't think my husband's relationship with his kids was negatively affected at all by his work hours.

Ideas for making it easier: (1) live close to the hospital--I mean, within walking distance; (2) don't expect a "normal" Leave It to Beaver type of existence--dinners at the hospital with Daddy may not be The Brady Bunch, but Mike Brady was an architect; (3) don't feel sorry for yourself or resent him--it gets projected to your kids and they adopt that thinking; and (4) live frugally--money woes and stress make life a thousand times more stressful.

Encouragement: it's not that bad. Others may have a different take, but we had absolutely salad years during residency. Not every day was a ray of sunshine, but it was hardly akin to being tortured. DH spent every minute he could with the kids and they were never deprived of anything in their relationship with him. He is very close to the kids. They like him a heck of a lot better than they like me! haha!

He occasionally missed out on some stuff--especially during his fellowship year, when the kids and I were living in a different city--but you make it work. My dad was a chemical engineer with super-normal hours and he couldn't show up for absolutely everything. He and my mom just worked it out and always made sure that someone was covering...

Although, I do have a funny story about the time that my dad forgot to pick up my little sister at soccer practice but DID remember to pick up fried chicken for dinner... It was the "KFC trumps Kids" evening...

[alison]

You'll get through it. It might not be pretty, but your kids will grow up and become adults before you know it. At that point, in my case, I began to understand the value of my parents' hard work and that it didn't have a correlation to their love for me. It's really hard though--and this phenomenon doesn't just exist for those in medical careers.

Dh is coming off a 13-hour shift, and is doing the mom and tot ballet class with dd right now. On zero sleep. It sucks and he says he feels like he has to , but he's either at work or 100% involved with our kid.

[alison]

I second living close to the hospital. We are a 10-minute walk away and it makes a huge difference. He doesn't lose hours of commute time each week.

[GrayMatterWife]

Dh is coming off a 13-hour shift, and is doing the mom and tot ballet class with dd right now. On zero sleep. It sucks and he says he feels like he has to , but he's either at work or 100% involved with our kid.

Yep. This. DH was on-call and cutting most of the night, then got up this morning and took DS to his Saturday School. He doesn't golf, fish, play tennis, or go out with the boys. His extra-curriculars are 100% family.

[MrsK]

Yup. My FIL wonders why my DH hasn't watched a football game in 5 years...

[hedixo01]

Oh, this all makes me feel so much better. I made the mistake and read the related post "Absentee Parenting" and nearly lost my sh*t and started bawling here at work.

We're actually planning on moving (we're currently in my parent's basement) closer to the hospital once we figure out which school he'll be going to. His commute isn't terrible right now (our top pick is where he got his masters and still does research), but I want to be closer.

Thanks for so much input. I'm feeling much more optimistic now. Although, I'm sure once we actually start I'll be needing lots more support.

[Vanquisher]

My DH was there a lot during medical school, really. It was residency that kicked our ass. DS was 2 when DH started med school. He's 15 now and acutely remembers that dad wasn't there a lot. I don't have a pretty picture to paint, honestly. As an attending my DH now regularly works 80+ hour weeks, but it's better than residency.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Med school was easy. He could study around events and honestly, he would even admit that save for a few weeks, I actually worked harder during med school than he did.

Intern year is different, we very rarely see him. But specialty choice does matter, obviously certain specialties have better hours/flexibility than others.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Our close friends here had a baby at the end of high school, another two years later (in college), and a third last year (11.5, 10, 1). It wasn't easy for them, and mom worked until residency, but they did it. It's all about doing what you need to with the time and resources you have.

[hedixo01]

Well, he's been planning on Emergency Med, which is why he's an ER Tech. He really enjoys it, so hopefully it's not as bad as some of the others? Maybe? Please? lol