Entitlement issues in attendinghood

[Pollyanna]

Having help or not having help has absolutely nothing to do with passing on a sense of entitlement to your children. Having millions of dollars or not two nickels also doesn't make it more likely or less likely that your children will feel entitled. You could have your child doing chores everyday but if mom and dad act "above" others the children will feel entitled. If mom and dad are always running interference for their child with teachers, coaches, friends, their children will feel entitled. The generation of "high self esteemed" kids also seem to have a high sense of entitlement. They expect the world to provide for them, they expect the be made to feel good and happy. It's all BS. My folks always told us that "anything that is honest is honorable". So any job, be it the day laborer or the housekeeper or the CEO, all the people that hold these jobs hold honorable positions and they are to be treated as such. My mom would commonly say that she would clean toilets in the bus depot if necessary and when someone broke into a house that she was selling and spread feces all over it she was in there cleaning with the cleaning crew (they were shocked). I never had chores, we always had help in the house. You were expected to treat everyone that come into the home with respect. Simple. My folks both worked in their own business 7 days a week close to 12 hours a day. We took some vacations but very few and work was done while on vacation or vacation time started late because the business came first. My folks always told us that we are not entitled to anything. You are not entitled to have a vacation or time off. I took this to heart and am always amazed at how people my age feel entitled to so much. Dh and I don't even know how many days off he gets per his contract. I know so many people who grew up with far less than I did who feel so very entitled to absolutely everything. Our children don't have specific chores but they are expected to help when asked. All the older kiddos can clean bathrooms, do laundry, iron, mop, etc. Extra money goes to pay for our lawn to be cared for otherwise I would hire someone to help with the house. Plus we chose private schools so we have limited disposable income. Dd19 has a job at a fast food place for the summer and she is amazed at how many of her coworkers act like they are above their job (she just got her first check and introduction to Uncle Sam, lol). Ds16 is working at a swim club in the deli and is experiencing how some people treat those that they feel are beneath them. When all is said and done, I don't think how much money a family makes has anything to do with a sense of entitlement, I think it is how the family functions as a unit, how the parents treat others and the expectations of the children. Children learn far more by watching us than anything else.

[MrsK]

I've also been trying to talk to my children about being grateful for the things we do have. I think gratitude is an important virtue and it will fortify my children for the times when things are not easy for them. Personally, when things have seemed the darkest (when my mother was diagnosed with Cancer, when I lost my job), I make a special effort to note things that I am grateful for and I think it is important for my children to appreciate the many blessings that they have.

For instance, when we put away groceries, I talk to the boys about how fortunate we are to have a full refrigerator because some people cannot afford to buy food. We also keep a pushke/tzedakah box (a box for collecting coins for the poor, like a Jewish piggy bank but the collection goes to charity) and we encourage the children to put coins in it often. The boys see daddy and mommy contribute regularly. We incorporate putting coins in the pushke as part of our weekly Shabbat rituals and talk to the children about how we collect money for those that are in need. We also talk about different types of "need" - hunger, illness, homelessness - in terms that the children can understand. When they are older, we plan to have the boys help count the money and choose charities for the tzedakah collection. K1 already has some ides about it and will say things like "I want this tzedakah to help sick doggies (humane society)".


They may not understand it all now but it is making some sort of impression. Both boys now run to our tzedkah box if they happen to find coins in the sofa and K1 looks for the tzedkah boxes when we are out. If he sees a donation box, he asks me what the need is, and then contributes money from my change purse. (It's amazing how many places take up collections and it's a good opportunity to talk to my sons about different kinds of need when they see the boxes for the museum, humane society, the salvation army bell ringers at the holidays . . . ) Also, for Mother's Day, K1's class made drawings of their moms and each child answered questions about his/her mother. The first question was "My mommy is ____________." Most of the children said that their mommies were nice, pretty, happy. . . K1's answer was "LUCKY!" His teacher thought it was hilarious but I know it was because I'm always telling him that we are so "lucky" have food, friends, a home, good health, etc. I was delighted that he sees that in me.

[ladymoreta]

I think you did the right thing by just pointing out that it wasn't her place to tell Lucia what to do. Making a bigger deal about it than that might have triggered boundary-pushing. I agree that teaching her about people having different jobs and respecting people who are doing their best is a good long-term strategy, but I think you did well in the moment!

[Vishenka69]

We never treat anyone who comes in the house as help. She always sees me chatting with the cleaning women and babysitters, making them coffee and trying to feed them. There's a woman who helps us with random things around the house (she's very butch and super handy) and yard work and she has become a friend over the years and DD3 loves to hang out with her and help. What happened last week was very out of character for her. We already do age appropriate chores and she loves doing them. I'm also planning on adding more as she gets older and want to make sure that both kids know the basics of housekeeping before they move out. IL's never had any help until both boys moved out but DH had no idea what to do with a kitchen sink when we moved in. In his case, it was his dad who did everything. I was shocked that neither him nor his brother were even taught to put their dirty dishes in the sink. They each had stacks of crusted plates in their rooms.

Thank you for all the responses. I loved reading about different experiences and view points. I'm definitely more prepared with how to react if this happens again.

[alison]

I agree with Pollyanna. My dd once pointed to our mop and said "R uses that for cleaning our house," and I nodded in the affirmative, and said that she cleans houses to earn money, just like her grandpa draws houses to be built, and her papa works at the hospital to earn money (although she has told her teachers that her dad "makes bacon" at work!). Cleaning is a respectable job, and we tell dd that we pay our house cleaner, like the hospital pays her dad. I don't see why we wouldn't be honest that our house cleaner is help/employed by us. We teach dd that any job is a good job, and we treat our house cleaner with the same respect as her pediatrician/dentist/teacher/Orkin man. I have dd tidy up and she sees me clean the toilets before our cleaner comes. Yes, I clean our toilets the day she comes!!!

[ladymoreta]

Yes, I clean our toilets the day she comes!!!

My mom hired a lady to clean every other week when I was younger, and we always had to clean the day before! I think mainly Mom didn't want to pay someone to pick up our toys.

[Ladybug]

Having help or not having help has absolutely nothing to do with passing on a sense of entitlement to your children. Having millions of dollars or not two nickels also doesn't make it more likely or less likely that your children will feel entitled.

Very true. I've seen both ends of that spectrum. Great post

[DCJenn]

We outsource two things- I have the cleaning lady come once a month and we have a pool maintenance guy. N. doesn't even know about the pool guy because he's at school when Randy comes. I've told not even touch his room but she still does- she changes his sheets and will clean the bathroom in there. Other than that, I've made it very clear that I'm not paying her to do what he needs to do. We all tidy up before she comes because I'd rather that she spend her time on the stuff that she's better at than I am- like washing the floors- than tidying stuff just because we're lazy.

It's hard and he's been snotty about things in the past but I straightened him out.

J.

[Phoebe]

I just hired a cleaning person for bimonthly visits. I realized I can't do it with a mobile baby who always wants her mommy. That's the only thing we outsource at the moment. I give my kids daily chores and we clean before the cleaning person comes.