I'd just LOVE to get your opinions on this...

[WolfpackWife]

I read this NY Times article with my eyes bulging out of my head and laughing at the same time. What are your thoughts on this? Is this just a NY thing? I am not a parent, the author is not a parent, but having only been out of my parents house for 10 years I still couldn't IMAGINE (like, seriously if my parents allowed this I'd probably insist they were checked for brain tumors) this being okay with my parents.

DH and I didn't even share a bed in my parents house or our beach house until we were married - just out of respect. My dad probably wouldn't have cared too much, but my mom is fairly old-fashioned when it comes to stuff like that. She didn't mind we lived together, but the mention of "our room" or "our bed" when we were cohabiting BF/GF and then an engaged couple made her squirm a little.

On the other side of the coin, my HS boyfriend - my first in pretty much all senses of the word - had parents who allowed us to share a room/bed for the summer following our HS graduation. It was weird - I think they knew we had sex, but his mom was totally fine with it. His dad was very uncomfortable and I once heard them arguing about whether or not it was okay. I only spent the night over there three times before I just stopped all together because I felt disrespectful (yeah, my parents thought I was at a different friend's house. Oops).

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/11/fa...anted=all&_r=0

Current parents of all genders and ages of children - what do you make of this? Progressive and productive, or inappropriate and disrespectful?

[GrayMatterWife]

WTF is wrong with people? That's my reaction. Be the f**king parent, not a friend. I used to see this ALL.THE.TIME back when I was teaching. Parents reason (if you could call it "reason"--which would be generous, since it is devoid of logic) that "well, the kid is going to have sex anyway, so it might as well be here, where I know where he/she is"). So, basically, they surrender all rules and parenting responsibilities to the whim of their child and the "choices" that the child is making. I had tons of students (girls, almost always, aged 14-17) with live-in boyfriends (often well, WELL over 18). Many ended up pregnant (what a shock) and dropping out.

If the teenagers are above the legal age of consent and their partner is over the legal age of consent (ie, it is not a CRIME), and if it is ok with you that your unmarried children are having sex in your house, then there's not a problem, I guess. Although it seems incredibly tacky to allow your age-of-consent high schooler to do it, since many of his/her friends won't be of age and teenagers certainly won't see age as a valid line of distinction for propriety. You are, as they say, setting a bad example. (And, of course, there is the other issue: the fact that you don't tell the kids to GET A JOB and go support themselves in their OWN apartment--if they are adult enough to be having sex and taking on the attendant risks/responsibilities, maybe they should act like an adult...) But there is nothing illegal. But don't condone statutory rape, or sexual activity that you really don't approve of, but don't have the balls/parenting skills/ambition/determination to not allow IN YOUR HOUSE. IT'S YOUR HOUSE. Set the rules.

And, by the way, if you do permit your child to participate in statutory rape in your house, don't let the school find out. Teachers are mandatory reporters--no discretion about whether to report the child endangerment. We will turn your ass in and you'll be facing criminal charges. I've done it.

Oh, yeah, and I found this quote from the article to be REALLY charming: "But the greater dividend of [the 19-year-old lover's] stay was that it gave Ms. Collins’s three younger adolescent children a view of committed love that far surpassed most of what they had seen from adults. Ms. Collins said, 'I hope they won’t settle for less.'" Um, yeah. Wasn't that kinda the PARENTS' job to model? No, I guess that is on the lap of the 17-year-old (who, from the looks of it, had quite enough on her lap.) What this did was lower the standard. Now all the kids think they get to start having sex under mommy and daddy's roof with the boyfriends. Great for their reputations (which, yes, reputations still actually do count for something. If it is presumed that premartial/underaged/young sex is accepted, it will be expected).

[diggitydot]

We have two (likely soon to be three) teen girls in our home. No fucking way is this permissible in our house. Not even a little. No one we know would allow this, either. Just... No.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I read that article a few days ago and my eyes bugged out of my head.

These are the same parents who throw booze-filled parties on the assumption that "they'll do it somewhere, I'd rather they do it here". Um, WHAT? There's a reason now that most states lock up/heavily fine parents for allowing alcohol at parties and it's parents like these.

I cannot imagine what these parents are thinking. What if these relationships go sour? What if the child decides to bring home someone who they don't like instead and they've already set this precedent.

This is just a classic case of parents not wanting to parent but to be a friend instead. Honestly, as the kid whose dad did let her throw the booze filled parties, it made me REALLY SAD when I woke up one day at 19 or 20 and realized he wasn't doing it because he loved me/wanted me to be happy. It was because he didn't care. Parents that actually cared about their kids and were invested in them didn't let their kids throw those parties. Parents that care aren't their kid's best friend all the time. It was a shocking revelation and my friends were annoyed when I stopped all the parties (they lost their party house) but we've talked about it now and they were like, "yeah, it was awesome that we could party at your house but it was clear that your dad didn't care about any of us, he just wanted to have fun too".

This will bite these parents in the ass.

[GrayMatterWife]

We have two (likely soon to be three) teen girls in our home. No fucking way is this permissible in our house. Not even a little. No one we know would allow this, either. Just... No.

Darn it. THAT'S what I meant to say. Skip my rant. Refer to DD.

[v-girl]

No fucking way is this permissible in our house. Not even a little. No one we know would allow this, either. Just... No.

This.

[WolfpackWife]

Honestly, as the kid whose dad did let her throw the booze filled parties, it made me REALLY SAD when I woke up one day at 19 or 20 and realized he wasn't doing it because he loved me/wanted me to be happy. It was because he didn't care. Parents that actually cared about their kids and were invested in them didn't let their kids throw those parties. Parents that care aren't their kid's best friend all the time. .

That was exactly the realization I had with my ex-BF's parents. His mom, a highly functioning alcoholic, just didn't care. She was nice, but was so far removed from everyone's lives (we'd often arrive at his house to hang out in the evenings to find her slumped over her computer at the kitchen table, two empty bottles of wine next to her) but I realized later that there was so much going on in that household and none of it was caring about their son or what was going on. The dad was far more involved, but also an alcoholic, and was too sick and weak to do anything about it. My ex-BF was too difficult to control and his ailing father just couldn't/didn't enforce what he felt was right. He died of liver cirrhosis shortly after we broke up.

Looking back it wasn't a "cool" privileged afforded to us. It was novel and new and felt so grown up, yes, I did take advantage of it a few times. In the end, it was the notion of how very, very, very seriously disappointed and upset my own parents would have been if they had known of our three parent-approved sleepovers that made me stop. It was an awkward situation and I always left feeling so weird and like I'd let my parents down - even though they had no idea.

[PrincessFiona]

And in the meantime, your dad and I will be in our bedroom doing the same thing. *snort*

No way would it fly in our house ... but I get the worrying about where your child is angle.

Alex (14) recently slept over at his best friend's house. I found out later it was a group sleepover which included 4 girls. I flipped. That shit would not fly with me. He was offended that I was upset. "what are you implying"

yah ... NO!

Funny, but Thomas used to think this was a good idea (allowing sleepovers). He thought I was a prudish American. Turns out, he is the prudish American. He doesn't even want boys in our house!

[SoonerTexan]

If I had, say, a 16-year-old who was having protected sex in a committed relationship, I would happily allow him to sleep with his partner in my house.

Uhh, what exactly is a "committed relationship" at 16? Going to Prom??? This is coming from someone who was dating her current DH at 16.

This is ridiculous and disgusting. I do remember some people in high school being in awe that then boyfriend DH was allowed to sleep over at my house on the weekends he visited and vice versa. We were in a long distance relationship, though, and that is the ONLY reason. When he came here, he slept in the study, when I was there, I slept in his sister's room. Our parents trusted us. We respected that trust. (though I wont say it was never hard or tempting) Heck, there were 9 combined younger siblings to be role models for.

No way would it fly in our house ... but I get the worrying about where your child is angle.

True. I was expected to let my parents know where I was at all times. I actually asked what my curfew was in high school and my dad told me I didn't have one. I didn't need one. But even when I was in my early 20s at home during college summers, the expectation was to be courteous and still just let them know.

Funny, but Thomas used to think this was a good idea (allowing sleepovers)

We weren't allowed to, even with same-sex friends, until we were in high school. And really not often then. As a younger kid, I thought my mom was so mean. Looking back, she was wise. Some families that asked were weird or dysfunctional, and I know now she was more worried about molestation than anything else. I don't blame her.

[Phoebe]

Not happening. Sorry.

[Ladybug]

It's like your parent shurgging and saying, "I don't really care if you get pregnant or have an abortion. Whatevs. "

If a kid(s) drink at parent's property (even if they are not home or aware) they are legally liable for any outcomes because it happened on their property. I think they should be liable for child neglect and/or abuse if a teen gets pregnant, STI/infertility etc. and the parent knowingly enabled and accomodated in their house. Teen pregnancy and STIs carry a significant individual and societal cost that can cycle for generations. I know there are happy endings too. I happen to be one of them, but it's interesting to consider where legal parent responsibility starts when it comes to minor sexual acts.

[Pollyanna]

Wait! Did anyone notice the genius mother of the 17 year old girl is a life coach?

Sorry, I am beyond words. I mean, I know this is not new, I remember watching a Donohue show on this exact topic back in the '80s, I'm just amazed at people's complete lack of common sense. Sigh...

[samssugarmomma]

Over my dead body!

[alotofyarn]

Not a chance! I can remember two instances when I was in high school that I had a parents permission to have a guy sleepover - the first I don't think he actually had permission, but we didn't get in trouble, the second I was 18 and it was my bff and our guy friend (bad idea altogether, but whole other story). My parents also allowed us to drink some, but laws are a little different in Louisiana, and we were never allowed to leave the house. Like WPW, my husband and I never shared a bed in my parents' house until we were married - I don't think my parents were stupid enough to think we weren't already sleeping together, but we never asked out of respect. We did share a bed at his mom's house, but that was more because there weren't other beds, and I felt weird about it the whole time. My sister's dating a guy who is 18 years older than she is, and I remember when they first visited my parents together he asked if they could share a room, and my mom was completely flabbergasted that he actually asked, but she told him they were adults and could do whatever they wanted. I agree with everyone else though, that this is a problem with parents wanting to be friends and not parents, and I can't imagine it turns out well for these kids.

[Sheherezade]

From Pollyanna: "I mean, I know this is not new. I remember watching a Donahue episode on this exact topic in the 80's."

My thoughts exactly. I can't tell you how many times I've read a story like this over the last 30 years. I think it's media sensationalism. Honestly, I don't know any parent that would do this that actually HAS a teen. I'd imagine the vast majority of parents think this is a bad idea. It's also not a new trend or the way things are going " these days". There will always be outliers.