I know it's winter...

[PrincessFiona]

and that we all are suffering from a little cabin fever....but right now my kids are driving me CRAZY. Alex (6) is in the whine-non-stop and cry when things don't go his way stage. Amanda is in the roll-her eyes and be as sassy as humanly possible phase and half the time I can't even stand to be in the same room as her (I feel terrible to think like this, but yesterday when she and I went out for some 'special time' together I didn't even know what to talk with her about. We hardly even speak anymore except for me to be angry with her. . Andrew is so disorganized (I don't know where he gets THAT from) and so emotional that I just sometimes get so angry with him. He can't find his papers, constantly has late assignments and then has these emotional "you lost my assignment" meltdowns.

This morning I got the kids up and no one would get dressed very fast...Amand flat out refused to come downstairs until it was 'her' idea, and I ended up shrieking at the kids...carpool showed up and waited outside for them to finally get coats on etc. They both went to school w/o brushing their teeth or hair. In the middle of it all, a student called to tell me she couldn't make it to lab and I was actually yelling at my kids while I was talking to her.

Aidan is my only 'easy' child right now... But he's too little to talk back or do anything to upset me beyond pulling the noodles off of the shelf or spilling catfood on the floor.

I need some mommy first aid guys....

kris

[DCJenn]

Actually, what you need is some time away from all of them. I think you should go see your mom while Thomas' mom is in town. You get time away, she gets Thomas' undivided attention, she gets to clean to her hearts content, your kids get to find new found appreciation for Mom, your husband gets to find out how fun it is to get three kids ready and together- every day.

Book the tickets- things are really cheap these days!

Jenn

Jenn's idea sounds great.

[mommax3]

I agree, and you would also most likely get a chance to see some actual sunshine during your visit to tide you over until spring comes to MN.

Sally

[houseelf]

...or at least come down to Saint Paul with a bottle of white wine to share with a friend.

Kelly

[PrincessFiona]

Confessions of a psychopathic mom

Saturday we'll be in st. paul sans hubby....wanna party at a burger king play area or something Kelly?

I know jenn is right... I need some time alone. If I could take a little vacation/road trip right now I would set it up to hit as many towns where you guys live as possible....unfortunately, I'm stuck here when my mil arrives. Thomas is already in panic mode about it and he says that we just have to 'suck it up'. I told him "sorry dear, afraid not...I'm done putting up with it. I refuse to listen to any more criticism and mil and I are going to have a heart-to-heart the minute the criticisms start.

I don't know how to get more positive about the kids right now. I'm ashamed that I feel this way....but all they do is argue with each other, scream, and make HUGE messes. I worked so hard trying to keep things picked up this weekend and I'm trying to clean individual rooms more in preparation for nazi mil......Last night when I finally sat down to grade 23 of the lousiest biology papers I have ever read, the house looked like a bomb had exploded. DH, butt planted firmly on the sofa with remote in one hand and sandwhich made of bread and swiss chocolate in the other looked up at me and said "what do you want me to do then?". He then turned his attention back to the tv before I could even say what all he could do.

I'd like to spend more positive time with the kids but I'm beginning to feel so resentful about the messes and the damn sassing that I can't see straight. Amanda's sassiness is truly having a massive negative effect on all of us. Nothing seems to be working. I imagine us playing games after school, having snack together, talking about our day, doing german games in our little 'schule'. Instead, they come home from school and I'm exasperated by the mess so I'm either hiding out online or I'm bitching at them the minute they come in to pick up their coats off of the floor, put their shoes away, clean their roooms......Then they go off into their corners while I retreat to clean the kitchen/do the laundry and play online (my favorite corner).

This is not how it is supposed to be and I keep telling myself "tomorrow I'm going to change this...." but the frustrations are still there and the counterproductive coping continues as a result. I'm supposed to be bigger than this...I'm the mom...I'm supposed to have control. :|

We haven't done the german homeschool program in months because of my frustration and amanda's behavioral hoo-ha...ironically, I am teaching other people's children and adults...just not my own kids. I ended up having to pay now again for the german school in st. paul as well as for private tutoring afterwards because mainly of Amanda.

There is that beautiful song out right now by Martina McBride: "In my daughter's eyes" and everytime I hear it, I cry....I cry because I love Amanda so much and can't find a way to connect with her....I cry becase I want so much to have what she is singing about and we just aren't there right now.

The words

"It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes"

break me up because I feel that by retreating I have given up even though I don't want to...I just don't know how to interact with her and I worry endlessly about what life will be with her when she is 13 if we can't connect now when she is 8.

Then there is the:

When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

Where i realizie how unhappy....she makes me.... most days and I am sure how unhappy I make her :disappointed: most of the time too....and I realize how what I want for our relationship and what is are so different...and I feel helpless to make the changes that I need to. I don't even know what to change.

And just fyi...

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

should read more like....

And when she steps into the room and starts sassing
I want to rip all of the hairs from her head.
My heart sinks into the pit of my stomach
Everything is too damned complicated,
I realize life is just so freakin' hard

Therapy anyone? I feel like the worst mother ever.....I really do.......I hate that I feel this way....

kris

[houseelf]

No, seriously, it is break time.

Call the sitter, call a house cleaner. Do whatever it takes. You deserve a break. Things will look better after a breather.

Kelly

I'm sorry you're having such a trying time as a parent.
Maybe Martina McBride should come over and babysit for a while. :> The thing is, I don't think anyone writes (well records and releases, maybe) songs that talk about the *really* trying times of raising children.

[PrincessFiona]

I'm sorry you're having such a trying time as a parent.
Maybe Martina McBride should come over and babysit for a while. :> The thing is, I don't think anyone writes (well records and releases, maybe) songs that talk about the *really* trying times of raising children.

I'll rewrite the song and send her MY lyrics :>

[SueC]

I'm sorry you're having such a trying time as a parent.
Maybe Martina McBride should come over and babysit for a while. :> The thing is, I don't think anyone writes (well records and releases, maybe) songs that talk about the *really* trying times of raising children.

Isn't that the truth! I love my kids to pieces but sometimes their behavior makes my skin crawl.
It does sound like you need some time to recharge Kris. I wonder if the stress of your mil's impending visit isn't affecting all of you and making everybody feel at odds?? As far as Amanda, that is my biggest fear with my girls, too Kris, but it sounds like you do so many special things for her (for instance the dollhouse thing) that hopefully this feeling of disconnection is only temporary.
Hang in there Kris!!! Parenting is the most humbling things I've ever done.

Hmmm....a thought from the master procrastinator (and what a coincidence, I'm procrastinating doing a particulary unpleasant task by being on-line ).

No matter what, your MIL will complain about your house, right? Even if she cleaned it herself and then got amnesia and forgot she did the work, she would find fault with something, right? So.....why do anything at all?

Seriously, she is going to come in and be critical of your house. If you haven't cleaned you can just think to yourself, "yeah, well, that's because I didn't lift a finger before you arrived." On the other hand, if you are racing around cleaning before she gets there, her comments insult the hard work and effort you have put forth. Let it be messy and let her clean it herself and you'll have a nice clean house to enjoy when she leaves. And all of your underwear will look like little t-shirts. Voila, problem solved.

[DCJenn]

Maybe you should call a family meeting. Explain what your (and Thomas') expectations are for each kid, based on age and skills, explain that as a family, everyone needs to pitch in and that there will be consequences for incomplete or refused chores. Make a master list and include your chores and Thomas' chores so that the kids realize that you do way more than they know. And then have them select the days, and the chores and most importantly- the consequences. Amanda is a pistol- but I'm sure that what's getting her bug up the most is that she's sassing you, and you're yelling at her and she wins- and she doesn't want to win- she wants to be in control of herself but doesn't know how to get there.

Structure will help keep all of you on the same page. It won't be hard and you'll have days, of course- but you're so stressed right now you can't dig yourself out. You were not put on this planet to clean, feed, bathe, dress, vaccum, take care of the pets, etc- BY YOURSELF. There is no reason why everyone but Aidan can't contribute to the managment of the home. (Thomas included)

Go get 'em tiger-

Jenn

[PrincessFiona]

I'm actually feeling better about it now..this morning just sort of reignited it because I couldn't get her out the door.

Lunatic, everything you say is true. I also know that Amanda desperately wants my attention (positive) and I think she just doesn't know how to go about it. She has always been very challenging...even as a young toddler she was the one to go into the play area and knock over another child or bite or pull hair. I used to take the approach of going into the play area with her and showing her 'how' to say "hi, my name is amanda what is your name"...I literally had to take her by the hand and show her how to be appropriate. She is also my child who colored all over the walls and one day on the way to preschool she found my sharpie from the lab in my bag and actually colored all over her skin underneath her clothes (so that I wouldn't see). Needless to say, the school didn't find it amusing that she had drawn on her 'private parts' (though in retrospect, I wonder how they knew that. )

I think that the seeds were sewn very young for us to butt heads because of those difficulties. It was always the school calling because "Amanda is pulling books off of the shelves instead of sitting at circle time, Amanda is sitting by herself and reading books instead of playing with the other kids"...etc. I didn't mind handling those problems as much as I minded the implication that it was due to my parenting skills. The more 'problems' with her there were, the more I have been made to feel responsible and as a result, the more I have felt resentful.

At the end of the day, she is my daughter and I love her very much...I just need to figure out how to help. I think what I'm going to do is start a journal to kind of log the behavior. Maybe I can figure out what is going on around the times that she acts like this so I can change some things in the house.

The family meeting thing is a great idea...we have one about every 10 days as it is...and though I present great ideas and ask for certain things, they rarely happen for a long period of time. Some of this is because I get complacent about follow-through, but it is also that it can be so difficult that it sometimes seems easier to just 'do it myself'. I'll need to rethink that. For example, we had the kids setting the table for awhile, but it became a bigger chore for me to get them to come and do it than just doing it myself...so I ended up taking over. The thing is, as a reward to the kids for setting the table and helping clear off the dishes into the dishwasher, we offered up a family game after each meal....and that wasn't enough motivation to keep it going. I have taken away their allowance, and made behavioral sticker charts.... I guess I need to figure out how we can continue with the follow through on these things and make them work.

I need to just sit down and really think about it.

As to my house....I wish I could sit back and say I'd do nothing, but at least in my mind I feel that her criticisms aren't justified if I clean it up a little....she will complain and this time (you heard it here first) I intend to tell her that I am different from her and that I don't care about my miniblinds or my baseboards. I'm going to tell her that this is the life that Thomas and I chose for ourselves and that we are happy with it and she needs to accept that and stop criticizing...I'm gonna do it!


Re: Parenting (man, I'm all over the place today) I have to go back to the whole Montessori way of thinking....We can approach things positively or negatively and I'm starting to realize (just through reading the negative things I've been saying) that I have been approaching the kids lately with anger and hostility instead of positively redirecting them or really listening to what they are saying....so....I need to nip that in the bud right now. Whatever is causing me to be so negative needs to stop.....It only makes things worse.

edited to say: hmmm, so now I hear myself saying it is all my fault. Mom of the year, here I come!

kris

[migirl]

Kris, I don't have any words of advice, but I wanted to say that I hope things are looking up for you today!

And I think the words you've prepared for your MIL are great. They are, after all, your house and your life ... just because she thinks they should be a certain way doesn't mean she gets her way.

Not a whole lot of time right now to commiserate....but there was a story not long ago about a couple that went on strike, here in Florida somewhere, when their kids wouldn't listen/do(chores) when they were asked of them. I am not sure what became of it...but I remember seeing the adults getting interview from the front driveway of their home, holding signs, sitting in lawn chairs near their tent or travel trailer they were living in!