Stay-at-home parents...you are being duped...

[PrincessFiona]

Now...take it for what it's worth..after all, it is just coming from me...but...I think we've been scammed....

Here's the scoop...adorable 18 month enjoys having you around and may 'need' you...but they're just as happy playing with other kids all day. Still, an argument can be made for 'being there' for them....but hang onto your hats people. My 10,9 and 6 year olds have nothing but activities all week long (and they each only were permitted to sign up for only 1 by yours truly). There is dance 2X a week, theater 2X a week, soccer 2X a week and physical therapy 2X week. If I wern't a sahm, Kidstop would bus my children to these community ed activities for FREE...and would wait for them to finish and bring them back to kidstop. My son would also receive physical therapy right there at the school...no running around like a crazed woman...no sirreeee.

Now...the clincher...my oldest 3 don't need me here at all....really, it's true. I would like to delude myself into thinking that I had a greater purpose here, but they basically only want to play with their friends. My only job is to actually feed them and clean up after them. Other than that, they play out in the yard or down in the play room the entire day....and I barely get a nod. They don't want to play board games with me or snuggle or watch a movie together on the sofa, or read together...they want to play with their friends.

If I was a full-time workin' woman, they would be happily doing all that, eating a lunch prepared by me anyway...and we'd all be having a great summer. Instead, I'm busy cleaning, cleaning, bitching and moaning and watching them swim in the pool while I talk to exactly...no one..except some unlucky soul who happens to catch up with me online. Why? Everyone is either 1. working or 2. so busy dragging their kids to activities that they aren't home.

Funny story...met another med spouse the other day at dance....I happen to know that she is a sahm with 5 kids. I asked her "where are your other children?". "You've got to be kidding me...I wouldn't bring them here...they'd just run around and I'd be losing my mind. They're at home with the sitter. " Turns out that family practice is a good specialty after all. They also have a maid service that comes once a week and cleans their 4000 square foot house from top to bottom.

What AM I doing? Seriously...I apparently need a good swift kick up my butt to get me back into mommy mode. It's hard to take this all seriously when I basically am not important her during the day anymore. I don't even buy the whole "but you're her just in case" thinking....That's just not enough...really....to give up a career or a life of one's own.

Sorry for the burst of negative energy her people. Someone set me straight.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

Oh OK...after 43 views and no responses (except a few PMs telling me not to sell the kids yet because I'm not alone in my feelings or to consider meds ) I guess I'll have to pump myself up....

Look at this article: Dream Job: Stay-at-Home Mom
http://www.salary.com/careers/layouthtm ... ar358.html ..it's awesome...Here's the 'salary' chart here for y'all to see.

Based on a 90-hour work week, Salary.com has estimated that a fair wage for the typical stay-at-home mom would be well over $90,000 for executing all of her daily tasks. Factor in overtime, and the appropriate salary takes a leap of around $25,000.


Job title Annual salary
Child Day Care Worker $20,259
Teacher $44,824
Taxi Driver $27,346
Facilities Manager $73,239
Short-order Cook $27,477
Laundry Attendant $17,917
Janitor $22,440
Counselor $27,638
CEO $545,268
Administrative Assistant III $37,143
Accounting Clerk III $34,842
Licensed Practical Nurse $38,111
Plumber I $33,155
Automotive Mechanic I $30,725
Cake Decorator $21
The estimate composite salary calculated by Salary.com's team of compensation experts for a stay-at-home mom is based on a 90-hour work week, consisting of six 14-hour days and one 6-hour day. Job titles, responsibilites, and qualifications were considered and weighed on a scale of importance, frequency, and average time spent on tasks per day. Hourly rates of pay corresponding to the 15 job titles in the above table were applied to the 90-hour model and multiplied by 52 weeks a year to determine an annual salary. It assumes the mother has two children of school age.

I personally would be happiest to be paid the CEO salary :>

[Flynn]

So Kris,

I have to ask if you truly believe it doesn't matter if you are home or if it "feels" like it doesn't matter. Those are very different states in my opinion.

Are you frustrated you work hard and aren't appreciated -- you don't make tangible currency? Everyone works? Too much to do not enough time??? Medicine as a career is it's own little version of hell???

As someone who is quite familiar with "feeling completely overwhelmed" from time to time, take a deep breath. This too shall pass girl!!!!

You are valuable, you do have a life, and it's not contingent on whether you work out of the home or not.

Hang in there.

[PrincessFiona]

I believe that for my older children (not my 20 month old) it indeed matters less. Ultimately, I think it matters more to the parent than to the child...sad, but true...at least in my opinion. Do I value being able to sit there and watch them swim in the pool and play with their friends? Yes...but does it matter to them whether or not it is me watching or someone else? I don't think so....not at this age. Again, for my 20 month old, I do think it matters.

My frustration is...my loneliness...knowing so few people and having so few adult conversations during the day. The only reason that I even started teaching 3 years ago when Alex started preschool was to have an adult conversation. The best thing about my job 3 years later is that I get positive feedback from students and feel like they appreciate my efforts.

Fortunately for my sanity, I ran into a neighbor today with boys the ages of my older 3. Her oldest is a year older than mine though...and it was the best conversation ever. She talked a lot about her realization that their independence meant that she felt less like she was doing useful work during the day and more like the 'scutmonkey' there to fetch lunch or drive kids to activities...and like me, she is feeling boxed in....Like me, her kids are old enough to be independent (dress themselves, make their own breakfast, ride their bikes to the park nearby, and play with friends without the requisite phone call to make a play date...and yet they are still young enough that they need supervision and support.

While we were talking, this friend's next door neighbor came over. Her 2 oldest are grown and in college and her youngest is in high school. She talked about feeling really down when this realization struck her and the fact that she started feeling really unhappy at this time too....but...that it will pass. She actually was chuckling at some of our "problems". "Oh, you think bullying is a problem...man, wait until X,Y, and Z happen.". I had to put my fingers in my ears there.

Quite frankly, I initially felt badly purging here about it...but I don't anymore. I'm having a tough two weeks with a lot of things going wrong and I am feeling overwhelmed. Maybe this isn't the right place to come for that kind of support..and that's fine.

kris

[SueC]

Well, I can't really say since my kids are still youngish (though after spending a week with the grandparents, my 1 year old snubbed me--he wouldn't cuddle with me and kept running back to his grandma which really had me questioning my worth), but I think it probably matters more to your older kids than they let on. When they do some really cool jump off the diving board for the first time and you're there to actually see it vs. hear about it later (if they even think to tell you if they don't see you until several hours later) then I think that is worth something.

[PrincessFiona]

I think I need to send my kids for a week with the grandparents or at least take an afternoon off for myself or something. It's valuable to me, and I guess that counts.

I am an official SAHM as of Monday--I can't believe that tomorrow is the last day of daycare for DS. We did a test run today and after three time-outs for hitting/jumping on his baby sister, having to put the barstools from the breakfast bar in a different room because he wouldn't stop climbing on them, and having to push a huge antique dresser out of the nursery and onto our upstairs landing by myself because he spent an hour climbing on it instead of taking a nap...I'm wondering if I can get him back in daycare and never complain again about my crappy job.

Just kidding--kinda--but I totally get you on the adult interaction thing--it is my biggest concern and DH and I had a discussion about it the other night. We went out to dinner with a friend (kids w/ babysitter) and when he tried to tell me we needed to go home (at 9:15!) because he was on call the next morning, I completely freaked out and told him that if I was going to stay home, he needed to make an extra effort to make sure that we get out with our friends more since I feel like I'm being closed off from the adult world. He said that he totally understood and that I had valid points, but...

[DCJenn]

The miracle cure for all SAHMs- other than alcohol and drugs-

The Playyard. Bought one at Babies r us through Amazon and just ordered the extension. I can actually do things like go to the bathroom or run the dog out for a quick tinkle wihtout wondering which body part Nikolai is about to maim. Or which cat is about to scratch him.

Otherwise, we were running around from stairs to kitchen since he managed to evade all of the barriers we had set up. (somehow he knows about under and through as concepts in one's personal space...)

and heck, there's a few of us here who are also starved for conversation so we'll have to have a chat.

My other sanity saver is Stroller Strides and I'm going to be late if I don't sign off- so later all-

Jenn

I have to agree with SueC, Kris. My DD is still way too young for me to be able to understand what you are going through, but I do think it matters to your older kids that its you there (at the pool or where ever) and not a sitter. I still remember my parents coming to my sporting events and whatnot, and it meant a lot then. It probably means more now since I understand how boring it must have been at times, and because I can say "Remember the time..." and they will be able to.

Had I said something like 'thanks for coming to my softball game, mom' at the time, or 'thanks for driving me...' or 'thanks for making my lunch', her job probably would have been easier (she felt the same way you do at times). But I didn't realize all that she did for me at the time. I'm starting to now that I have a toddler. I've actually called my mom to thank her for changing my diapers after DD has had large blow-outs.

So thats my take, for what its worth.

[Flynn]

Ditto to most of the previous comments.

Kids may not show it but they DO care you're there -- at least most of the time. That doesn't mean you have to sacrifice who you are as a person though. Taking time for yourself is necessary and allowed.

I beamed as a 10, 11, and 12 year old when my dad was the only dad in the stands because my sporting events were around 3:30. Having my mom there was important too of course!!! The girls on my team complained "their dad would NEVER leave work for something as silly as their sporting event" and you could hear the hurt in their voice. (I worry a bit about how DH will make some of our kiddy events in the future but that's another thread.)

Were my parents at everything? No -- I do have siblings and we had to "share the wealth" at times. It was however apparent when they were not. I missed them and telling them about X or Y was a distant second to having them in the stands.

Also, we car pooled with other parents a LOT for the daily practices. My mom probably did more driving than she would have liked, but ultimately I was driven by another parent probably 30% of the time...

[Vanquisher]

Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that as your kids get older, I think they need you MORE.

Sure, those toddlers depend on you for everything, and that pliable brain is just soaking up information like a sponge, but as a baby or toddler your child will never remember you were there.

Now, as they get older, children require less basic care, They can brush their own teeth, get dressed on their own, get their own food, and they would rather be with their friends than you. Sometimes it just feels like you are the one with the resources - money, transportation, food stock, and shelter, but you are so much more.

Trust me, I know kids whose parents don't give a damn about them. They don't care where they are or what they are doing. Just by being there and enforcing good behavior, morals, and citizenship, you are setting your kids up to succeed and be safe. Your kids are more likely to go on to higher education, have better paying jobs, stay away from criminal behaviors and risky behaviors.

Kids get in trouble when their parents aren't there. Most juvenile crime is committed between 3-5 pm. From the time school gets out until the time parents get home.

Now, I'm not saying your children would be criminals if your weren't at home to watch out for them, but there is value in it, tremendous value.

Your children will remember that you were there, that you could have had a career, but they were so important to you that you gave it up. They may not ever articulate it, and if they do it will probably come in 20 years, but it is important to them, and it does make a difference.

Your son is going through a difficult time right now, and as a parent who is present, you are aware of these things and trying to help him. Many, many parents aren't even AWARE of their kids. THey really, truly have no idea who their kids are. They don't talk to them, they don't SEE them for who they are. THey pass each other and exist together, but they are not bonded.

It is true that friends will be more important for a while, but the lessons you teach your kids will stick with them. And, if you say them enough, they might even ask themselves, "what would Mom think?" It comes full circle though. After high school is gone, and friends have fallen by the wayside, Mom is still there, and she did a damn fine job.

I'm telling you now, you're job is crucial to the adults your children will become. It may not feel like it, but it is.

[PrincessFiona]

Well, I certainly won't argue with you that the kids need you more in different ways when they are older. They sure do. It is more frustrating/boring though to be at home with them all day when they basically.....only come in for lunch, a towel, or to watch their favorite show. I guess I really enjoy the baby/toddler years because I enjoy the interaction so much and I can see how much I'm needed.....with the bigger ones it's a little harder to know that it has to be 'me' during the day. Add to that the fact that the neighborhood has been in my backyard, running through my house and basically eating me out of house and home for the last couple of weeks. I was also watching the neighbor's little girl every day...all day...and even though she is not much trouble really, it was too much. Her parents are going through a divorce and she cries at the drop of a hat. If Amanda just looked at her funny she'd sob and cry and I ended up blaming Amanda instead of hearing the whole story. I finally addressed some of the little girl's emotional issues with her mom. The mom had basically told this 7 year old "don't ever talk to me about your father again. I hate him, I don't want him in my life and I don't want to know about him". So the little girl told me that they were moving and that they were going to live closer to her dad. Then she became emotional and distraught. Mom was more upset that the little girl wants to move to be near dad than anything else, I think. :| It appeared that way, but hopefully I'm wrong. Anyway, as soon as I addressed these issues with her, she basically decided that her daughter needs another childcare provider....and honestly...though I don't think more change is necessarily good for this little girl...it works for me and my children right now. I realize that I have been treating my own daughter unfairly.

To top it off...Andrew has been having sleep disturbances and bad memories of the teasing and Thomas has been working until 8 or 9pm. He is going in later so he can watch the kids in the mornings when I teach lab and we are paying the price in the evenings....so we're all tired and grouchy.

I realized yesterday as I talked to friends that what I really need is more adult conversation/contact.....not a job... I want to be here to watch them swim and play...to give them money to run to a garage sale and bring home little treasures,etc. I just need to get a little more balanced about it. I was becoming depressed.....I really think so.

I feel much more 'ok' today and I've decided to sit down and make a daily plan with activities to schedule daily where the kids have to play with me :>

I think the walls just started closing in on me because I wasn't having enough adult interaction and I was feeling more like the maid/cook than the mom. Trust me...I'm not reallly the maid/cook type.

Sorry for my temper tantrum. Hopefully you guys will still let me post

kris

[houseelf]

Kris,

You are not alone. This parenting thing is both wonderful and excrutiating at the same time. I'm feeling completely overwhelmed right now and I'm not dealing with the grade schooler issues yet. (Feel free to feel smug at my expense-- I only have two and they are younger than yours.) I have resolved myself to the following and this is the only way that I am getting through the day lately: 1) I do something for myself everyday no matter what; 2) I make very small goals to meet every day (i.e. today all I have to do is two loads of laundry and twenty minutes of weights).

I know that I have been the "hijack queen" today but this taps into my issues. I absolutely love my life but I am so overwhelmed. If I read you correct, this is how you feel. It is not about working or not working, it is about taking care of your needs too.

Kelly

[Rapunzel]

Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that as your kids get older, I think they need you MORE.

Somehow I missed this thread.

Heidi, I could not agree with you more - your entire post not just what I briefly quoted above.

I remember well taking my mother for granted as I got older. My poor mom probably thought she was just spinning her wheels with all of us because we were just, well, snotty brats that neglected her. BUT, the older I got the more I really did need her around I think. I think I just didn't realize how valuable she was because her presence was so, well, constant. It's kind of like your refrigerator - you don't think about it really, ever. But, you depend upon it constantly and you'd really miss it if it was gone! OK, so I'm not so good at the analogies right now with my lack of sleep....

Jennifer

[PrincessFiona]

eeek, not this thread resurrecting.

Honestly, it is all different especially with my two oldest...this summer we haven't done any of the fun kid stuff...they are way too busy with their activities and friends..even my 6 year old is just super busy with friends...which is great...but basically, I do just feel like I'm spinning my wheels a lot. Also, my daughter is entering an entirely new pre-teen phase that I'm not comfortable with at all. Jeesh, even Aidan plays with the older kids now. Some days I sit out in the backyard for 2 hours ( no more laptop ) and do...nothing of importance.

Yes, watching my brood is important..but at the end of the day, I think that they will remember playing with friends, the BIG sleepover that we had one night (wow, was THAT a mistake) and swimming in the backyard pool....They won't remember that mom was there to make the meals and complain about cleaning up after them :>

I feel sort of deflated as mom...I was the mom they played with, talked to and wanted around..now I'm the mom who is basically the servent so that they can have their friends etc all day....and yes, it is important to be a parent..but lately I do find myself asking the question "couldn't they be playing with their friends and having the time of their life at kidstop?" I can't help but ask it. I would say that 85% of the families around here that I know have both parents working....As their kids are transitioning into elementary school, etc, they have their jobs, their 401k plans and their lives independent of their families...Many of them are great moms/dads too who spend the weekends with their kids camping and out on their boats on the lakes here...more than we do :|

If it weren't for having Aidan, I don't know what I would even do next year...That's the honest truth. Would I...clean the house? Take up tennis Start going to the gym for 4 hours a day? (not a bad idea of course)

I have a degree if a field that is completely not marketable here ... When Aidan goes to elementary school, I'll be completely on my own...and I'm not the kind of person that wants to be dependent on my spouse for the rest of my marriage. I don't want to spend all of my life being the 'dawkter's wife'....I just don't. I'm my own person and right now I am looking on with a little bit of envy at my friends/peers who have their children and their careers.

This time has gone by way too fast...and I wouldn't trade the time I've spent at home for anything.....but there comes a day when the kids need you differently....and I'm unprepared for that.

kris