Stay-at-home parents...you are being duped...

[DCJenn]

Kris-

Let me reassure you that your kids are very aware that you're there for them and are probably (secretly) happy and relieved.

When we were in junior high, my mom got a job that allowed her to work from 10-3 every day. Then she'd 'go for a bike ride' which placed her at the junior high at the EXACT time school was letting out. Every day. and we knew that she'd be home before we were and she knew that we were walking home and we knew that if we didn't get home at the appointed hour all hell would break loose. But it was kind of nice, too. I think that's why as we were all walking home from school, everyone came over to our house.

Jenn

(although the biggest threat she could make was that she was going to get a T-shirt made that said in big letters "I am Jennifer and John Martin's mother" because she was SOOOOO embarrassing. I mean NO ONE else's mom rode a bike, no one else's mom wore a bike helmet. Jeez, she was mortifying)

[pstone]

Tell me you have changed your mind.

I know I am new, but oh my you have hit a nerve. I have only been a SAHD for 8 months now and I keep telling myself that I am doing what is right, that he will be a better person when he grows up because of it.

Myth or Fact:

1. Staying home will make him unconsciously know his family is the foundation of his life.

2. No one, no matter what I pay them, will interact with him like I do, encourage his growth like I do.

3. His ability to form long lasting relationships in the future are directly related to me "showing him" that I am always there for him.

Boy do you have me frightened now, I certainly don't want to be the doctors househusband when the kids are gone...yikes

[PrincessFiona]

You're from Gainesville! My DH did his fellowship there! You have to get involved in the Junior Medical Guild..they were doing some neat things when I left....but I digress.

Don't freak out too much by what I say...I'm sure that everything that you hope to achieve you will! The early years are very important...and I still see that very much with my youngest. I think my frustration comes from seeing that with my older children I really...really don't need to be here. They would be just as happy and well taken-care of at KidStop or the neighborhood gym. The only thing that they want to do now is play with their friends....not dear old mom.

For me, there is simply frustration in spending uncountable hours alone with no friends/job to keep me occupied...but those are my issues.

Enjoy it...it goes by fast.

kris

[Rapunzel]

Kris, I really think that your kids will appreciate all of the time and effort you put into their lives right now - someday. It took me until my late 20's to realize just how important it was to have my mom around during my childhood and most of my teenage years. I'm in a unique situation in that my mom started working when I was 16 (before that she was entirely a full-time mom). So, I got to witness firsthand the difference in me and my siblings with having a full-time mom and having a mom that wasn't around as much due to having a job outside the home. Let me tell you - the difference was phenomenal. There are a TON of stupid things that me and my siblings would NOT have done if our mom had been home when we were - from the moment we walked into the door. Additionally, my mom was so exhausted from working at her job that, when she was home, she really wasn't able to be the mom she had been before she started her employment. She tried - but it was and is obvious to me and my sister and brothers that she could not keep up with us the same way.

Your children will appreciate the sacrifices you make for them daily eventually. It's like medical training though - extreme delayed gratification.

One thing you might start doing if you feel you're disconnecting from your children is have a weekly "family night" (NO FRIENDS INVITED - just family) where you all do something fun together. Are you guys having dinner together as a family? Those things may seem superfluous but they really do affect children in huge ways.

One day it will dawn on your children that having you around at home to call in case they get sick will be worth it. It will be worth it for them that you could volunteer in their classrooms. It will be worth it that when they're home from school and ignoring you while they play with friends that you are in the other room to make sure they are safe, obeying the rules, and have what they need.

Jennifer

[Sheherezade]

I with Jennifer. (I'm resisting whining about my childhood......must resist....must be strong......)

[PrincessFiona]

I hate that we keep rediscussing my whiny rant...and I also hate that I can't resist saying that this is all great...in theory. I simply struggle with the idea that my entire financial security rests on someone else's shoulders, and that years from now, when my offspring are all in school full-time (or heck..in college) that I'll have been out of the work-force so long that I won't be employable in a respectable profession..and I'll only have garden parties and tennis lessons to keep me busy.

Hey...that's not necessarily all bad...bit I am of the belief that being a good parent/wife doesn't mean giving up you....After all, the kids DO grow up and they do start needing you in different ways...and you have to be prepared with your own life too.

But hey..it's just me..and we all know I'm a wanky whiner...

[PrincessFiona]

Regarding our own childhood experiences...I have to add that I think any situation taken to an extreme can be bad for children...I was never suggesting that we sah parents should abdicate our home throne...but...perhaps a little more balance is in order unless our govt. is prepared to commit to making the time that we spent at home count towards our social security and we are ensured more protection in case of a divorce after 30 years of marriage. I guess I've just seen too many older couples split after all of those years. My mom's best friend raised 4 girls..and the day her youngest graduated from high school, the hubby moved out. After having hidden many of his assets, he left her working at JoAnne Fabrics beause she hadn't worked in so many years...

Maybe hearing about that is what kind of set me off. I don't know.

In any case, my oldest is almost 11...my daughter is 9 1/2..and the two of them would be pleased as punch in KidStop with mom to talk about their experiences in the evenings...that's the truth from this end...My 6 year old and 18 month old still 'need' me in very different ways. Don't get me wrong...I have been grieving this this summer...seriously. We have always have good summers. Sure, we hit the wall at some point..but we always go to the local pools, parks etc. This year, they don't want to go to the pools (they only have splash pools here and they've just outgrown them) and they are also too big for parks and play areas.

Actually...when we met Kelly at the park, Amanda was so bored that she ended up getting paper/pen and drawing while we were there.

It's just different now. But I will adjust.

I don't regret anything....but I understand now why many women go back to work when their children are of school age.

[pstone]

School Age

Oh, I guess I am planning on going back to work when the kid(s) are school age, course we only have one now and maybe we are in different shoes because wife wants nothing more then to work 3 days a week at some out patient surgery center supervising CRNA's and doing easy anesthsia cases. Course that is over 4 years away if we have the two more kids we always talk about.

Now what to go back to work as is the problem, can't see myself sending out resumes after 5-10 years out of full time professional work.

Anyone need an architect to design a really nice house for them?

I share Peter's concern--how do you dust off that resume after so long and make yourself attractive to employers again?

And Kris, you totally said exactly what I did about being dependent on someone...I had to ask DH for money the other day for the first time since the mini-van payment was due. I felt like I was back in high school all over again, asking my dad for money. Yech.

Anyone need an architect to design a really nice house for them?

A couple of years from now -- yes! (Wait, didn't I say somewhere else that this house was the last remodel). Especially if you like the Not So Big House series.

The last few posts hit on two of my bigger concerns -- re-entering the workforce and financial security later on. We've done pretty well so far with seeing any income (mine or his) as being OURS but I wonder if that will be harder 10-20 years from now.

[pstone]

Ours

Yeah, when I was the one with the job I always said ours, and now that she is the one with a job (if you can call residency that) she says ours. I also however wonder how easy that will be 15 years from now when if I have a job at that point the equation of ours would look like.

X(my job) + 8X(her job)=Ours?

[Sheherezade]

I worry about that equation, too. The money I can make in the field I have chosen (science) is limited. Tops, I can see myself making 80,000 with a drug company. Considering that is less than half his *starting* salary, I know that all the house remodels, kid stuff and family organization will be on my plate. Since my salary is the smaller of the two, I'm the team player that would take the hit on kid sick days, appt with the plumber, etc. That set up really hurts. It makes me think that it isn't worth going after the top rung and top dollar in my career because it will still be so far below his - and I'll still be the one "in charge" of everything at home. Mostly, we look at my job as a way to save more money for retirement and college expenses. We also look at it for tax write off advantages. I don't think we'll ever be looking at it as a revenue stream, considering the comparison to his income. At least I don't *feel* dependent. He's the one that asks for money around here. He doesn't even know where the money is because investment/finances are part of my "job" dealing with stuff in the household. He seems to like it that way.

[PrincessFiona]

I think you guys have hit at the heart of my issues...I really do feel like a teen-ager when it comes to money. During residency/fellowship we had 3 children, so "honey, can I have $10" was usually met with a "you know our financial situation". Now that we are 4 years out of training and our finances have improved, he does say "it's 'OUR' money"...it feels strange. I also see my mom's finacial struggles now and those of her friends and I can't help but wonder about the future...For the record, I don't feel that my marriage is rocky and I'm happy with dh most of the time :> .

My mom's divorce has really impacted me. She lost the good health insurance and has had to rely on her employers....She is in dire need of foot surgery. She has rheumatoid arthritis as well as osteoarthritis and the bones in her left foot are twisted. She keeps suffering from fractures due to the twisting of the bones and the foot needs to be stabilized. Her health insurance has declined to approve her surgery (Aetna). She's 61 years old and has no way of getting the surgery unless she pays for it herself. Of course, this brings up a new set of issues. In the meantime, my dad got to stick with the insurance that they had for all of those years and he has had all kinds of surgeries paid for...replacement of two thumb joints, rotator cuff and hernia surgeries..all in the last 3 years. My mom would frankly be better off in Canada where she might have to wait, but she could have the surgery done.

It makes me angry that a woman who worked all of her life to take care of her family is now unable to get the medical care that she needs...and I feel upset that the contribution of the stay-at-home parent is so undervalued.

Why shouldn't these years be factored in by the social security administration as 'working' years...if this country values parenting so much? As it is, I couldn't even draw the minimum....

So many issues...so little time.

[Rapunzel]

My husband mentioned something to me last night that he had heard about in the news: A woman who was going through a divorce "billed" her husband for all of her years of work in the home (I'm unclear as to whether she had employment as well or was a SAHM). It came to a six figure sum and included all of the housecleaning, laundry, and cooking she had done for him.

We both agreed it was the right thing for her to do! :>

You know, I don't worry about myself and finding a job (blissful denial of reality I suppose ) however, I have found myself worrying about all of my daughters lately. Will they be able to work things financially when they are married adults to stay at home with their children if they so desire? Part of the reason my husband and I intend to save such a bundle is that we KNOW we're going to be taking care of both of our mothers (who were SAHM's for most of their adulthoods). And, I worry that I'll have to help support my own daughters as well should something happen to their husbands. I'm a worry wort in a bit of a different way - but same issue. (I also worry that my son won't be able to find a career and then a job that will allow his wife to stay at home. The cost of living is drastically outpacing the average take-home pay a person gets nowdays).

Anyway, I guess I have a different take on all of this because my husband has always referred to his paycheck as Jennifer's paycheck because he gets paid and then turns around and pays it all to me. Am I really just very weird and married to a weird man? This is starting to bother me....

Jennifer

[Sheherezade]

Kris,

Have you considered setting up an IRA or bank account in your name only? DH and I started saving for *my* retirement last year in addition to his/ours. At least that gives you some money that is in your name only for later life.

I agree that the job situation in this country is not good for parents. It is hard to have a meaningful career, make good money and still spend a large portion of time with your kids when they aren't in school. There are just not enough 25-30 hour a week jobs out there with any respect/money/benefits attached to them. And that's just the school aged kids! Babies/preschoolers are an entirely different issue. I always thought the situation was just bad here, but I have a Swedish friend who had her own job problems in Sweden. She had 3 years maternity leave, but had to take a low end retail position in order to work part-time when she returned. Childcare was available and cheap, but she didn't want to put her daughter in from 8 am to 5 pm each day. I don't blame her.
Her Swedish husband businessman told me that Sweden was getting more and more like the US to compete in business. Yuck. Not the direction I was hoping for....

It is hard to think about these issues without considering our own emotional baggage. (At least for me!) I've spent all day walking around in my own little therapy session. Thanks a lot Kris!