Adjusting to the new baby sister

[Cumberland]

My 27m old DD has gone from a sweet, funny, almost strangely obedient little girl to a holy terror in the last three weeks, like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde. I have gone from never spanking and rarely raising my voice to being Cruella Di Vil with her. I know she is desperately seeking my attention but it is so hard right now. I feel like I am going above and beyond to make time for her but it doesnt seem to be working. I am home with my parents for a week (due to DH's evil call schedule) so I have help but since I had the baby, we have been out of her normal routine with family visiting, her with my parents for a week, etc.

Today I was sitting in the back seat bt the two of them and got a phone call. DD pinched me, then threw a book. I hung up the phone, told her very sternly not to hurt me again and to ask me to play with her if she wants attention. She told me she was sorry then a minute later started flapping her arms as if she was going to hit me. I grabbed both of her hands and spoke to her very sharply. She cried. We got home a minute later and she only wanted me to get her out of her carseat even though I was the evil one a minute before. We went up for her nap and she turned back into a sweet angel while we read books together. This is a five minute flashback of scenarios that happen about ten times a day.

Is it going to settle down? Is she going to return to being the same person she was three weeks ago before the baby came? I am so sad, and feeling so guilty for having to share my time. The other part of me is really frustrated at her lousy behavior and feeling really helpless at my lack of control. I dont want to raise a bratty child or be a mean disciplinarian. I want the good natured little girl back.

[SueC]

That first 6 weeks or so can be really tough, IMO! Also, since you are at your parent's house, that's probably causing her to amp it up a little bit, too. I know my kids always act more out of control in the presence of grandparents. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by being consistent and calling her on her misbehavior. I felt pretty guilty bringing another baby into the family (especially when we had our second child, since I really felt like I was depriving our oldest. After that the girls had each other and were more mature so they didn't really go through any jealous phases), but when I watch them all together, I see what a gift they are to each other. That is when they aren't fighting .
Hang in there Sue Ann! Just keep being consistent and including her in whatever baby activities she can take part in and she will adjust.

[Cumberland]

Yeah, Annie, I thought about you when I posted this. I was thinking, her turn next!

Sounds so, so very two. But it comes at a tough time with a new baby. I agree with Sue, hang in there and stay consistent. She will probably try the same behavior more than once to see if she gets the same reaction.

I have found the series of books by Louise Bates Ames and Frances Ilg on child development very helpful. There is a book for every year. The language and some suggestions are dated but the developmental insight has been helpful. I better understood that, while needing correction, what my kids were doing was developmentally appropriate and not the result of bad parenting. Best of all -- the books are short, quick reads!

[mommax3]

Yes, it will get better. Keep doing what you are doing, and keep being consistent about what is okay and what is not. I agree with Sue, being away from home is probably exacerbating things, although having a 2 year old and a new baby is tough no matter how you slice it. Hang in there! Things will get better as she gets used to the new baby and realizes that her whole world isn't going to end.



Sally

[HeartRN]

I don't have a second baby, but wanted to say that the behavior you describe fits my daughter perfectly over the last month. I was thinking just the other day "Where did my sweet natured, even-keeled child go?" So perhaps a lot of the behavior is just developmentally normal, and might have transpired even if there wasn't a new baby...Take care, you are a GREAT mom!

[PrincessFiona]

It will get better and you will all find a new normal...

When we brought Zoe home, for 2 days Aidan said "I hate you you stupid mommy, I hate you you stupid Zoe...." Now he's kising her little toes and saying "My Zoe" and refuses to let any of his other siblings near her if he wants to be.

That being said, he is also a holy terror. Last week in the span of 20 minutes, he emptied out a box of cereal up our carpeted stairs, brougth dirt in from potted plants on our deck and spread it all over our kitchen floor and then grabbed a marker from dh's office (while I was cleaning up the dirt) and marked the wall, piano, SOFA and coffee table.

In the middle of it all, the wife of the director of the clinic where my husband works stopped by. I'm sure she thinks we live in filth!

The thing that has worked for me in the past is to use time when baby is napping, etc to play, read etc. It's hard because when baby rests, you want to get the kitchen cleaned up or rest yourself....but the few extra minutes of alone snuggle time can help.

Of course, like everyone already said, she's two. Let the games begin!

:>

kris

[PrincessFiona]

Not a sharpie...it was actually a 'washable' marker that dh had tucked away for some reason in a desk drawer. It washed off too!

[DCJenn]

I was about 25 before I realized that my brother wasn't the worst thing to happen to me.

and when he did arrive? I took my baby dolls to the top of the stairs and flung them screaming "I HATE you BABY". Needless to say I wasn't ever left unattended when he was around.

Jenn

[houseelf]

Um...I'm not sure that 21 months later my 6 year old has adjusted yet. <gulp>. I'm only sort of kidding.

I keep reminding myself that the more that a child struggles with the presence of a new sibling, the more that they need it.

Kelly

[PrincessFiona]

I was about 25 before I realized that my brother wasn't the worst thing to happen to me.

and when he did arrive? I took my baby dolls to the top of the stairs and flung them screaming "I HATE you BABY". Needless to say I wasn't ever left unattended when he was around.

Jenn

Seriously though...do you get along well today?

kris

[DCJenn]

Yes, we actually get along great. I think what helped is that I LOVE my SIL and she was my Best Chick.

The problem for us was that we had NOTHING in common. Zero. and it wasn't until we reached later adulthood that we've bene able to find similar interests. (I mean this is the man who in 9th grade announced at the dinner table that Richard Nixon was the greatest president we'd ever had. I thought my mom would off him right there...)

Jenn

[PrincessFiona]

That is so interesting, Jenn. Hopefully you were able to straighten your brother out politically.

kris

[Meenah]

this is the man who in 9th grade announced at the dinner table that Richard Nixon was the greatest president we'd ever had

Jenn, he lived to tell about this!!

Wow Jenn. You had a little Alex P. Keaton in your house!

A kid I babysat thought that they should put his new baby brother in the oven a la Hansel & Gretel. I made a mental note (at 14) never to read that to my kids.

We didn't have big problems b/c ds#1 was so YOUNG. He doesn't remember being an only child.