interacting with your kids

[Flynn]

We just got back from a trip to visit DH's sister's family. She is a married, working mom with two kids who aren't in school yet (one will start kindergarten in September).

SIL is smart, funny, and generous to a fault. I like her but haven't spent a lot of time with her when we both have had kids.

This week was fun BUT....(you knew it was coming ) SIL is one of those people who travels a lot with her job. Grandma and my BIL pick up the slack a lot. Okay...different strokes....you know the drill...no biggie.

Here's the thing. She doesn't play or truly interact with her kids. EVER. She pulls stuff out and says "play." If there was any other adult playing with her kids or mine she would disapear....take a nap, go on a walk, answer email....she did NOT participate but took the time to do "her" stuff. HUH????

At one point early in the morning (when DH and I were packing sandwiches and feeding her kids -- getting ready for the day) she poked her head out of her room and said "oh great...you guys took care of everything. I'll be out when you're done and I'm showered."

I don't think she sees the value in 1.) interacting with her kids on their terms and 2.) participating in their lives when they are not upset and needing her.

I was just....surprised. She's a fixer. If they "need" her she's there to "do" stuff but the regular interactions aren't valued very much it seems. She sees her kids so infrequently and yet she was SO happy when anyone else took over the situation. Keeping her off her cell phone, blackberry or email was a task. I never noticed this with her before.

I am NOT the perfect parent. That's not my point. It was just so weird to see her priorities laid out so blatently and her kids were not even in the top three.

[rockgirl]

Wow!! Scary how everyone's priorities don't match up? I just wonder if she is disappointed that she had kids or if she feels truly fulfilled? Did she have the kids because that was the drill? It makes me wonder how kids grow up "ok" living with no real close bonds with mom. These are probably the same kids that have issues with relationships forever...(not that my relationships are hunky dory) but I feel support and love from my mom even though we are not super close.

Do you think she put on a"show" for everyone. I bet there are bigger issues in the closet between his sis and her hubby. My sister is like that a lot. She comes into town and drops off the baby so she can go shopping, meet up with old friends for lunch or cook a monster meal for everyone. I don't have kids yet but, when I go and see my nephews and nieces (I have 2 sisters) I get right on the floor with them and we have fun! I expect my sisters to do that with my kids too. I guess some people are not like that? The crazy thing is... we were all raised by in the same house by the same parents but we all turned out sooooooooo different?

It makes me feel uncomfortable and I feel bad for the kids who miss out on some really fun times that could have happened if mom was around more. I am not knocking your SIL... everybody does what works for them. I just wouldn't do it the same. Part of why we don't have kids yet is because I want to stay home and treasure those moments with my kids... not hand them off to the nearest adult while I take care of my needs first. hmmmmm Hope I didn't hijack your post! :chat:

You should be proud of the way you've raised your children.... and they will be forever greatful for it!

[Vanquisher]

On the other hand, I wonder if she is "taking a break" when she knows that there is someone else there to do playtime. KWIM? I know that when I have a relative over, I spend a lot less time on the floor with my kids and a lot more "me" time. I am sure that it seems that I don't get on the floor and play with my kids. On the contrary, I play with them and interact with them a lot, but when someone else is there, I use that time to recharge a bit.

Is that a possibility?

[Flynn]

I think both previous posts have merit.

I do think SIL values being a mom and loves her kids dearly. I don't think she had them to "have them."

She is so caring and giving in so many ways...she just didn't interact with her kids that much when we were around and her "quality time" with her oldest consisted of fifteen minutes at the farmers market when we were at the park near by.

I do not think she values time with her kids on their terms but I do think when we aren't there she's more involved. She has to be or they would be in the emergency room all the time.

I hope this was just a "window" into their lives and not a full representation of how it is all the time.

They are coming to stay with us after Christmas and it will be interesting how things will be different.

[Vanquisher]

Ummm what does KWIM mean???

KWIM = Know what I mean?

For heaven's sake, don't you now that I don't want to type out every single word, and that you need to learn any and all possible abbreviations I might use inspite of the fact that other people may not know them?

Oh, and let me save you some trouble for future posts that I might do:

FWIW = For what it is worth.

ROFLOLPIMP = Rolling on the floor laughing peeing in my pants

BTDT = Been there done that

QBT = Queen Bitter Troll (this is a new one just for me).

[Meenah]

"QBT" I love it!

[HeartRN]

Reading about this made me feel sad...I work full time, too, and DD is in preschool full time. When I have free time on the weekends, etc., I am spending it with my daughter and husband (now that he's finally here! )I guess it's my own mommy-guilt thing, but also my heartfelt desire to BE with and PARENT my child....I just can't imagine not wanting to fully interact with my children. However, maybe Heidi's right.....I suppose it could go either way with your SIL....

On a similar note, I was talking to the director of my daughter's preschool...it's amazing how many parents wait until the last SECOND to pick up their kids, and consistently. Even if they aren't working! It left me with a pit in my stomach. If you're going to do this, why'd ya bring children into the world? Just my $.02.

[SuzySunshine]

If you're going to do this, why'd ya bring children into the world? Just my $.02.

My $.02 - because its socially expected. There are so many people in this world that want kids and can't have them and so many people that have kids that shouldn't!

[HeartRN]

So VERY true.....*ugh*

[Flynn]

I really hope this is just a phase in her life. She is such a good person but this was so OBVIOUS it was kind of like a slap in the face you aren't expecting. DH and I both commented on it when we went to bed the first night.

DH ribbed her a little about "not playing with your kids" and she laughed at him (affectionately) and told him yeah, she wasn't that great at it.

Later when he told her to get off the computer and sunscreen her kids so I wouldn't have to ( ) she said, gee, you have NO IDEA --- there is just not enough time in the day to do everything I need to do.



Saying that outloud to a couple at the end of a nine year surgery residency is just ---- um --- SILLY. That statement alone showed me she really is in her own world right now.

There are so many layers to this I can't begin to start. I have to remember that I DO REALLY like her as a person and believe to her core she's a generous soul. She's just going through a very self-involved time right now.

I REALLY hope she drops DH an email today to say "YEAH HIM" because it's his last day as a resident. His family is a bit RELAXED about recognizing big days in DH's life.

[Vanquisher]

Holy Crap Flynn! LAST DAY!!!!!













As for SIL, well, she will understand what she missed one day.

:ra: WOOHOO!!!!!! Congratuations, Flynn! You did it! :ra:

re: your SIL. Makes me wonder if she has a job that includes a lot of delegation and is a little too used to it? I do the same as Heidi mentioned when my mom is here. I let her and she is willing to do more with the kids. I don't think I would be comfortable expecting or assuming that of many other people, especially those who have young kids to look after themselves.

[Flynn]

Thanks for all the COOL smiles and well wishes. Really. You guys rock.

I think SIL IS used to delegating. Yep. You're right on there.

I also think it's different to let grandparents pitch in A LOT when they are around verses your brother and SIL (me) who you never see AND the SIL is a SAHM. It feels like a "double dump" of responsibility for me and I was more shocked while I was there but now I have a "plan" so it won't happen again. I do NOT go on vacation to take care of someone else's kids PLUS mine. No way no how.

So I guess looking back I was just really surprised by her inaction towards her kids unless they were hurt or hungry.

The second issue is that it BUGGED me that I was put to work with her kids more than I thought was reasonable. I'm not a cheap nanny, I'm a person taking a vacation with her kids and her husband. I'm all for pitching in but I don't want to feel used because SIL never gets alone time, or time with her husband. She made the choice to travel every other week. Not me.

Anyway, back to my first thought. You guys rock.