Is this my fault?

[migirl]

Hi all, this may get a bit long...

Jack is now 7.5 months old, and seems to be starting the separation anxiety phase. Since I'm home with him all day, I can understand that he's attached to me and wary of people he doesn't know, but now he doesn't even want DH to hold him! He cries and fusses and reaches for me whenever DH has him, which makes me feel bad because of course I want him to enjoy being with his father. The thing is, DH is gone so much he'll sometimes go days without seeing Jack, most days he'll see him for a few minutes in the morning and a couple of minutes at night and that's it. So that's Issue #1. Did anyone else go through this with their SO being gone so much, and if so, I assume that they eventually just grow out of it and enjoy being with the other parent?

Then, yesterday we were at MIL's house and SIL was there with her 2 kids (ages 3 and 6). SIL wanted to hold Jack, so I handed him to her and warned her that he would probably cry. Of course he got upset, so she handed him right back and I asked her if either of her kids went through this and she said "no"! So then I started (mentally) second-guessing my decision to stay home with our children (SIL works outside the home), thinking that maybe because he's home with me all the time he's not getting appropriately socialized? Would he maybe be better off in daycare? I initially made this decision in part because of DH's crazy work schedule, I figured at least one of us should be present and constant in our kid's life. And we do get out of the house, we go to a playgroup once a week and we also have a weekly Baby & Me class that we go to, so it's not like we're cooped up alone in the house all the time.

Sorry if I'm rambling, but I'm just worried now that I'm raising some sort of social misfit. DH keeps accusing me (half-joking, I think) of raising a "mama's boy". Did your kids go through this type of behavior, and what (if anything) did you do to help them through? Or do you just wait for them to outgrow it?

Dang, this parenting thing is so hard!

oh please! tell everyone to back off! I know kids who DO go to daycare (or have a nanny) who are fine when mom is gone, and the second she returns they will go to NO ONE else but mom. This is a perfectly normal phase, at a perfectly normal time. I know lots of couples not in medicine where the kids still favor one parent over the other ... in a year or so Jack will want Daddy instead of Mommy. They just do it.

These are phases. If people choose to get offended or pass judgement than that is their problem. Staying home is not causing Jack to be a social misfit - nor would daycare if you wanted to go back to work.

It's all good. You're doing a wonderful job.

[PrincessFiona]

Jane,

I think that a large number of babies go through the whole separation anxiety thing....or feel comfortable with one caregiver. Even most daycare kids that I've met go through a phase where they cry for mommy or daddy......(Maybe it is your SIL who is doing something wrong :> )

Just wait until he's 2 1/2 and he only wants to be around dh.....that's always the hardest phase for me.....Then you'll be saying "I sacrificed and I'm at home and he doesn't want to even be near me".

You're doing a great job!

kris

[DCJenn]

It's not me who get's the big celebration upon walking in the door.

"Daddy's Home" "Yay!"- with clapping and jumping up and down.

It's great. for daddy.

Jenn

[Flynn]

I think most kids go through a "I only want mommy phase."

Don't think twice about it. All kids are different and staying home with them probably has little to do with it!

[ellie]

What they all said, Jane. DD went through a very long separation anxiety phase, but by the time she was 2, it was all about daddy -- and still is. Though she stll only wants mommy when she is sick or has a boo-boo.

[KCwife]

Totally normal. I don't think that you will ever regret staying home with your son. I have never heard a mom say later that she regrets it, ever.

[planet]

Jane,

This is absolutely, absolutely NOT your fault. I have two boys and have been a SAHM for both. I did 'attachment parenting' with my first, doted on him and he could care less that I exist. Not really, he loves me of course, but he never had stranger anxiety, totally outgoing, barely said goodbye whenever he went off to play or to a class. My second was treated no differently, but came out a total mama's boy. Dad doesn't work for him either, only me. He's getting better (at 2 yrs old!), but has a long way to go. I was fooled by ds#1 into thinking that kids were all so laissez faire about mom. Don't feel responsible for this one. You're doing fine.

[planet]

Tara,

I swear to you some kids are just not wary of the world. DS1 is like that. If migirl's SIL has two like that she has no idea what it is like to have it any other way. Imagine my surprise to have a cling-on for #2. When I say no seperation or stranger anxiety I mean it. Ds still lacks the kind of common sense that warns normal people of danger. Maybe it's easy for mr. doc to get on board with doubts when this is his first kid and he's not the one doing the raising.

Just remember this time when your son goes through the 'I only want dada' stage.

[migirl]

OMG, thank you guys *SO* much. I feel 100% better about this, I've really been worrying about it for the past couple of days. I'm so new to this whole parenting thing and I find that I'm second-guessing myself *all* the time now because I feel so unsure about everything. And it sure doesn't help when people like my SIL make me feel like such a loser about the way I'm raising Jack, although I may be just projecting my feelings onto her.

BTW, this made me laugh out loud:

DD#1 even went as far as screaming when dh came into a room for a while...

That's so funny!

Jane -

although we've never met, I can assure you that you're doing a wonderful job. you care -- and in my opinion -- that alone makes the difference. I'm sure that Jack is safe and has never once wondered if he is loved (and never will wonder).

try not to let the "mommier-than-thou" set unsettle you. YOU know what is best for Jack, and he is a beautiful little boy.

[Stella]

I don't have any kids so I can only offer so much... However my dog went through something similar and she's grown out of it now - but it took almost a year!

I think you're doing just fine!!

Jane, I can so relate! Andrew went through the same thing around 7-8 months...he NEVER wanted my husband to hold him. Things got better for awhile and now he is back to only wanting mama. In fact, we just got back from a week visiting family and I don't think he let anyone else hold him the entire time. And if Andrew wakes up at night and my husband goes in to comfort him, he'll scream bloody murder until I go in. We always joke that he woke up from a nightmare only to be faced by his worst nightmare....daddy.

You are doing a fabulous job with Jack and have nothing to be worried about. Even though it can be frustrating and exhausting, it is a totally normal thing that most babies go through. Your little guy may grow out of it or he may always be a mama's boy....just enjoy your special relationship.

[DCJenn]

Jane-

i just thought of something- my brother is 36 years old and when he gets in a funk my SIL tells him, "go call your mommy." and he does. Seriously, he's still a momma's boy. My SIL has learned that there are sometimes when only his mommy will do. (and to be honest, she's perfectly happy to have him bitch to my mom since the events are usually things no one can do anything about in the first place!)

So, may you always have a momma's boy and may he always have an understanding spouse!

Jenn

[Meenah]

Both of my girls went through the same thing, and they have turned out beautifully!