Surrogacy- Q & A?

[MrsK]

What does your son think when you let the baby goes to the IPs?

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[wiva]

I believe surrogacy where you're also the egg donor is pretty rare (OP did it for family) because there was a very famous court case in the 1980s where a surrogate (who was also the egg donor/bio mom) wouldn't give up the baby. I think surrogacy where you're carrying either intended mom's egg or a donated egg is much more common.

Surrogacy is actually illegal in many countries (like most of Europe). There was just a NYTimes article on it.

wiva - I'd be interested to know about your contact with the adoptive parents as well. And also, what (if any) your restrictions were while pregnant.

I wouldn't say rare, but less common, definitely. Gestational surrogacy is legally safer for the IPs, emotionally easier for surrogates (for most women, I'd say, anyway), and the success rates of IVF are higher than for AI. In some states, if you are a gestational surrogate, then the intended parents are able to get a pre-birth order and go on the birth certificate when the baby is born. I don't think any states will do that with traditional surrogacy- they pretty much just treat that as adoption. However, there have been cases of gestational surrogates keeping their surrogate children as well, unfortunately. It's all just really poorly legislated here.

My oldest surrogate son is French, actually, and their parents come here because surrogacy is illegal. And at the time, it was basically impossible for gay men to have families any other way. They couldn't adopt as a gay couple, nor as a single man. They said that most gay couples either go to Germany or the US to find surrogates. Hopefully that tide will change, though.

Gabriel, my little French guy, I have seen twice since he left when he was a week old to go home. I e-mail his dads a handful of times a year and we exchange news and pictures. We have an open invitation to go visit that I hope to be able to take them up on one day, but the distances makes it difficult.

Before we moved for residency, my other surrogate kids were about an hour and a half away. I saw them every few months, or maybe longer depending on how busy life is. I talk to their mom usually at least monthly. We're FB friends, of course, so I keep in contact that way, too.

Some couples get a little micro-managing when it comes to 'restrictions.' I, personally, am not comfortable with that. The way I feel is that if you trust me to carry your child, you need to trust me to make good decisions. They didn't ask anything of me beyond normal pregnancy restrictions, except that I stay within a couple of hours of the hospital toward the end of my pregnancy, which was no problem.

[wiva]

Wow. And my question, what led you to do it the first time?

I'm not sure exactly what made me think of doing it. But I spent a long time thinking about it, and decided that it just sounded like something I would like to do. I enjoyed pregnancy but was definitely not ready for another of my own (probably ever, I thought at the time). It sounded like a unique experience, like a really awesome way to help another family, to make interesting relationships with people.

[houseelf]

Just wanted to thank you for sharing. It's a cool story and I know it isn't always well received. I learned a lot. We promised not to gush, but it is kind of awesome. LOL.

[rain_dancer]

Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly. Really interesting life experience!

[scrub-jay]

Just wanted to thank you for sharing. It's a cool story and I know it isn't always well received. I learned a lot. We promised not to gush, but it is kind of awesome. LOL.

This, exactly. Thank you so much for your perspective.

[MrsK]

Was deciding to be a surrogate for your sister different than deciding to be a GS for people previously unknown to you? Was it easier? Harder? How did it affect your relationship with your sister?

And, if I haven't said so before, thank you for sharing. Surrogacy is something that I find fascinating. I hope that you don't find my questions prying or disrespectful. It's just not often that someone is so open about such an intimate experience.

[LadyFoot]

This is so fascinating. Thank you for sharing!


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[wiva]

What does your son think when you let the baby goes to the IPs?

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With the first two he didn't really think anything of it. It was sort of his norm. He was 6 when my third was born and started mentioning that he wanted a sibling. At that point I had planned on having another child of my own next, but then it worked out that my next baby was my nephew. My son was a little sad about that, but not profoundly so. My nephew is 19 months old now, and my son (who is almost 10) now says that if my husband and I ever have a child he will run away. lol. He said he used to want a sibling, but now that he knows how smelly, loud, stinky, and sticky babies are he doesn't anymore!

[wiva]

Was deciding to be a surrogate for your sister different than deciding to be a GS for people previously unknown to you? Was it easier? Harder? How did it affect your relationship with your sister?

And, if I haven't said so before, thank you for sharing. Surrogacy is something that I find fascinating. I hope that you don't find my questions prying or disrespectful. It's just not often that someone is so open about such an intimate experience.

It was pretty different being a surrogate for family versus someone I didn't know as well. I think deciding to do it was easier, but then actually being pregnant was harder emotionally. I don't know him being my biological child factored it, or just the fact that I knew I wanted another child at that point, or if it was because we were closer. But for some reason I found it difficult to listen to them pick out names, talk about nursery themes, etc. I wanted to be able to withdraw a little, I guess, and go through the whole emotional process like I had in the past. But I didn't want to make them worry that I was changing my mind or wasn't able to handle things. It was kind of a difficult pregnancy. But after he was born it was much better. Much easier.

I don't mind questions. I've been asked all kinds of crazy things over the years. lol. My favorite was someone asking "if it's twins, do you get to keep one?"