When is a "good" time for baby #2?

[Sheherezade]

I agree it's personal. What makes it so hard is that you don't know how you will handle any stage of motherhood until you are in it! Once again, this wouldbe so much easier if you could just send them back and pick them up again when you were ready. If you feel like you are treading water now, having a second is a bad choice. If you are in a groove and can imagine having two easily, you'd probably be fine. I distinctly remember planning out all my routines and what have you before my second was born - and thinking that it was do-able. I also distinctly remember having a breakdown when I was pregnant with a third in fellowship because it WAS NOT do-able. (I miscarried.)

So, I'm guessing that you need to trust yourself on this one. You can probably judge best if adding a second would be positive or negative in your household.

[DCJenn]

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that having ONE is fantastic. We get through a stage and we're done. He gets the best of me and his father and we get the best (and worst) of him.

Even if we hadn't done the international (aka expensive) adoption route, we had always said we only wanted one.

"People" will always have some sort of commentary on family size:

none- what's wrong with you, you must be selfish (because they're jealous that our child-free comrades are able to do whatever they want)

one- the child is going to grow up selfish and self-centered, or 'you don't want a _______?' (opposite of what you already have- the numbers of people who just us to 'just' go to China and "get that girl" were alarming...)

two- the 'perfect' number unless you have two of the same sex, then it's 'so are you going to try for a _____'.

three- if you have two of the same then its 'oh, trying for the____' or if you have one of each it's 'oh, want another _____'.

More than three an you start to hear 'oh, again. Don't you know how that happens?' UNLESS you have three of the same and then it's 'oh, trying for the _____'

I don't know why people get so caught up in the sizes of other peoples' families. Two can be perfect, 10 can be perfect.

The bottom line is don't let yourself be pressured by anyone!

Jenn

[Finding Equanimity]

Thank you very much for the great advice.

You are all so right. First, until he has lived in my shoes he'll never get it. And second, even if he did live in my shoes, he would only have to deal with it temporarily, so I have to do what's best for me, the primary care taker.

Now I gotta figure out what I want

[Finding Equanimity]

oops, I responded but realized there were new messages I hadn't seen in my email of the thread.

sheherezad- I am so sorry about the miscarriage. I do think it's very hard for me to anticipate whether I can handle #2 when #1 is still so young and I don't know anything about her next stages.

I am especially afraid of trying to handle a toddler and a newborn. But #1 isn't even at the true toddler stage, and so who knows what type of toddler she'll be. Ugh, this is so tough.

Thanks for all of the advice. You all bring up lots of stuff I need to really think about.

[houseelf]

Off topic, but Sherezade said

Now, with both of them in tween and teen mode, I'm considering alcoholism as a viable coping mechanism. They are both moody and have many more demands placed on them by school and friendships. I'm supposed to be some type of stabilizing force. Fools!

(Rocking back and forth)...."Mama, make the mean lady stop scaring me".

Kelly

[Sheherezade]

Kris and Peggy scared me first. Blame them!

[mommax3]

All three of mine are a little over 3 years apart. Going from one to two was easy. Going from two to three was HARD....the oldest was in school & soccer, had his own little schedule, and my time wasn't my own anymore. That, coupled with the fact that DS #3 was not an easy baby, along with other factors, sent me to a very dark place where I stayed for the first nine months of his life. If he had been as easy-going as his older brother, if we hadn't just moved (post-residency) to a place where I had no friends, if my oldest hadn't been having behavior problems in school, if 9-11 hadn't happened four days after he was born, if DH's clinic hadn't been short-staffed, causing him to work residency-type hours and get no time off for the birth.....it would have been fine. Of course, I had no way of knowing any of that ahead of time!!!!

You just have to go with your gut and have faith that you will come out on the other side, whatever happens!

Have him take over her care for two weeks.

I can say that the best thing that ever happened to us as parents was my leaving DH home alone with DD for 40 hours to go to NYC for a wedding. I wrote down a lot of instructions (schedule, routines, etc) so that he wouldn't be completely lost. He has been a much more involved and better father ever since. Prior to that trip, he had never done anything all alone - he had fed her, but not prepared her meal; bathed her but I had the towel out and PJs & bottle were ready when she was done.

It did two wondrous things for us: 1) It gave him more confidence as a Daddy and helped him to enjoy the little things and 2) it helped him to understand exactly what my "job" entails and how my day goes. From that point on, he understood that I HAD to make most of the parenting decisions (including when to introduce a brother or sister) because I was the one doing 95% of the work and taking on nearly all of the stress.

I don't like making the decisions alone, but now he acts (more appropriately) as more of a sounding board than an equal partner. Co-parenting is just not an option for all of us!

I don't know much about surgical residency, but we waited until my husband's last year when he had more free time and it was easier than I thought. But that was my first, but would have worked well for a second as well. Its hard even with more money now. With more children there is more work and more expectations of self and dh.

[smama]

I can say that the best thing that ever happened to us as parents was my leaving DH home alone with DD for 40 hours to go to NYC for a wedding. I wrote down a lot of instructions (schedule, routines, etc) so that he wouldn't be completely lost. He has been a much more involved and better father ever since. Prior to that trip, he had never done anything all alone - he had fed her, but not prepared her meal; bathed her but I had the towel out and PJs & bottle were ready when she was done.

It did two wondrous things for us: 1) It gave him more confidence as a Daddy and helped him to enjoy the little things and 2) it helped him to understand exactly what my "job" entails and how my day goes. From that point on, he understood that I HAD to make most of the parenting decisions (including when to introduce a brother or sister) because I was the one doing 95% of the work and taking on nearly all of the stress.

I don't like making the decisions alone, but now he acts (more appropriately) as more of a sounding board than an equal partner. Co-parenting is just not an option for all of us!

This! I left DH alone with our 3 week old daughter for 7 hours and that did the trick! The house was a mess, the baby was screaming and I walked in the door and said "What? No dinner?"

[HouseofWool]

this! I left dh alone with our 3 week old daughter for 7 hours and that did the trick! The house was a mess, the baby was screaming and i walked in the door and said "what? No dinner?"

amen!

[PrincessFiona]

This! I left DH alone with our 3 week old daughter for 7 hours and that did the trick! The house was a mess, the baby was screaming and I walked in the door and said "What? No dinner?"

LOL Awesome!

Kris