Open mouth, insert foot (not mine for once!)

[Meenah]

She only hears what she wants to hear and she insists that I just keep "beating her down" and "pushing her away." Meanwhile, she's shopping for clothes to wear on her next European cruise and has no idea what a wonderful life she has.

Just onemore reason I luurrvve you!!

[alison]

I get that kind of stuff pretty often. Lots of beating around the bush "Ohhhh ... look at their dark hair, big, brown eyes, dark skin ...." I don't agree with Alison that we need to give folks a break, and I think what that person said to you (Alison) is incredibly rude! They actually thought it was okay to speak to a nanny like that?? This is a melting pot of a world, and people are just going to have to get used to families coming in lots of different combinations.

I really think the comments say more about the people who are saying them than anything else. I don't want dd to grow up snapping at anyone who asks about her background, even the sarcastic people. I think in some cases there's rudeness involved, but what about the people who are just plain curious? What is the PC way to ask? Or is it just not necessary these days to ask?

I think the nanny comment was beyond ridiculous, but how to you respond to something as idiotic like that? Sometimes I think you just need to be above it all and let things slide. My mil has said that dd, dh, and I are an "exotic family." *Cringe*

[madeintaiwan]

I really think the comments say more about the people who are saying them than anything else. I don't want dd to grow up snapping at anyone who asks about her background, even the sarcastic people. I think in some cases there's rudeness involved, but what about the people who are just plain curious? What is the PC way to ask? Or is it just not necessary these days to ask?

I think the nanny comment was beyond ridiculous, but how to you respond to something as idiotic like that? Sometimes I think you just need to be above it all and let things slide. My mil has said that dd, dh, and I are an "exotic family." *Cringe*

I have endured some pretty ridiculous comments, growing up biracial and with my own children. I do believe there are people who are JUST curious and you can tell who those people are. They always seem a wee bit nervous/embarrassed to ask but are so eager to know that they can't take it, almost in a curious school child manner. I don't mind the curious people so much.

The other people are whatever and unless they something completely ridiculous they really aren't worth my time or comment. Those people are going to be who they're going to be and chances are I'm NEVER going to see them again. Unfortunately, I think that snapping back and being sarcastic only perpetuates the supposed "stereotypes" that those people have about certain groups of people. I'm not going to add to their pot. And in terms of being PC, I don't ask. Especially not a stranger. But I hated being asked ALL.THE.TIME. "what are you? where are you from?" And the best is when they want to argue with you after you've responded. "You don't look X." Whatever. Not worth my time. I CAN NOT stand the exotic comment too. Who wants to be called foreign, excitingly strange, and be seen in the same vein as strip teasing?

[GrayMatterWife]

There have been some threads in the past on comments folks with bi- or multi-racial children have received from random strangers. My husband and I are about as Western European in appearance as you can imagine and our kids are ours biologically-so I don't have any real personal experience with this kind of stuff being aimed in my direction. But I am endlessly amazed at the stories I hear about. "How long have you had her?" WTHeck?! Maybe this comes from living in a really urban area and also knowing a lot mixed-race couples, but it wouldn't even occur to me that the baby was adopted. At least 25% of all the kids at DD's nursery are bi-racial or multi-racial. And then there's that couple, both of whom look like near albinos--I swear. And their kid tans!! No kidding. Now THAT kid I think I would assume was adopted...

On the whole "are you getting paid to play on the phone" comment...FREAK! What POSSIBLE business what it of hers? Next time, consider snapping back, "Oh, it's completely job-related. I've got a taser app on my iPhone. I just zapped the kid right now, to keep her in line." Stupid, nosy b*tch.

[JC76]

Just read on CNN this week that a Pew research study in 2008 found that approx. 14% of new marriages are now interracial. I think it said in the 90's that number was closer to 4%. So it looks like things are definitely shifting.

But I hated being asked ALL.THE.TIME. "what are you? where are you from?" And the best is when they want to argue with you after you've responded. "You don't look X." Whatever. Not worth my time. I CAN NOT stand the exotic comment too. Who wants to be called foreign, excitingly strange, and be seen in the same vein as strip teasing?

She does get asked all the time -- still. Davita & I were out somewhere, and the woman asked me where she's from (D doesn't have an accent, at all) once D walked away. In that case, we'd seen her a lot before and she's always very nice and helpful, so I knew there wasn't any malice involved, just appreciation at D's stunning appearance. (she is a natural beauty, by the way).

I didn't mean I always snark back at people, but as D said, I think you can tell the cruel "talk down to the nanny" types vs. the "naturally curious/expanding your horizons" types.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

So I've asked this once and I'll ask it again - is there ANY appropriate way to ask a gorgeous child's background that's not offensive? I've wanted to ask so many times and never have for fear of offending someone. I usually just ask the child's name and age instead and say they're beautiful but it would be cool to know.

I mean I've had people ask what my background is (totally boring Swiss/German for FWIW) and I wasn't offended but I realize it could have completely different connotation for folks with multiracial children.

As I said, I've not actually ever asked but I just want to know if it's ever acceptable.

I'd say the general answer is no, it's not acceptable unless you've created some sort of rapport with the parents. If people compliment my kids on their "big brown eyes, dark, dark hair" in a way that also infers "clearly neither of those came from you", I'll often offer up "Their dad is Indian." But there really isn't a polite way to ask "What ethnic background are you?" w/o also stirring up a lot of the "papers please" kind of stuff that a lot of people will read into it.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

I think that all you need to say is "Your child is adorable/beautiful/cute/etc." and leave it at that

[DCJenn]

I find it amusing when people tell us how much Nikolai looks like my husband. and people tell my mother ALL THE TIME how much he looks like her. (he doesn't)

We just say thank you because whether or not people find out he's adopted is up to him at this stage of his life. It's no longer my story to tell.

Jenn

[alison]

re: Nikolai looking like R.

Davita is beeeeeeyooootiful inside and out.

[JC76]

TulipsandSunscreen - I realize what doesn't come across from my original post is that I actually have no problem whatsoever with people being curious about what sort of mix my baby is. What blew me away that day was the woman immediately jumping to the conclusion that the baby wasn't my biological child just because she doesn't look exactly like me. And it wasn't that I was offended, it was more just disconcerting - kind of hard to explain. That being said, if my husband and I couldn't have another child we wouldn't hesitate to adopt. I would feel the same way about an adopted child of mine as I feel about Zoe. It's not that I have anything against adopting.

I know at least speaking for myself, I would not be offended if someone looked at her, said something to the effect of - boy, your daughter sure didn't get your coloring, does she look like her dad? That wouldn't bother me in the least and I would happily tell them that he's Indian. I love seeing what comes out when you mix any different combination of races and am really drawn to mixed race babies. And like you - I'm always curious when I see someone who's difficult to place into any particular race and would love to come right out and ask them. But some people feel really differently about it, so there's just too much risk of offending them by asking unless you know them well. For me, that day I just had a very visceral reaction to someone assuming my biological daughter wasn't mine. Made me feel wierd.

[peggyfromwastate]

I would say we're well beyond the 14% stat here of interracial kids. It's more like... I don't know. Totally normal. It doesn't even occur to me to ask the racial background of a beautiful child, or to notice that a mom has different complexion from her child... I will comment sometimes on how pretty a child is, or ask how old he or she is, but it's more a common bond of motherhood thing...

I guess my bias would be to not ask at all. If you feel the need to know more, I would just comment on how gorgeous the baby is and go from there. If a conversation ensues and the mother of the child is willing to go there, you may have your curiosity satiated. It would be very strange for someone here to go up to a stranger and ask the ethnic background of her baby outright....

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I would say we're well beyond the 14% stat here of interracial kids. It's more like... I don't know. Totally normal. It doesn't even occur to me to ask the racial background of a beautiful child, or to notice that a mom has different complexion from her child... I will comment sometimes on how pretty a child is, or ask how old he or she is, but it's more a common bond of motherhood thing...

I guess my bias would be to not ask at all. If you feel the need to know more, I would just comment on how gorgeous the baby is and go from there. If a conversation ensues and the mother of the child is willing to go there, you may have your curiosity satiated. It would be very strange for someone here to go up to a stranger and ask the ethnic background of her baby outright....

Yeah, this is why I don't ask. Because I'm afraid to offend and it seems like that's the safest route. It would simply be my own awe and curiousity. I'm really drawn to multi-racial children like JC76 said - although I would have to adopt to get some (which I might do because I would love to go that route for at least some of our kids someday). I grew up next to Norweigen/Japanese kids and I used to cry that I couldn't look like them. Well thanks for the feedback! I'll just stick with "your child is adorable".

[scrub-jay]

Genetics are a weird thing. DD has a very different complexion than both DH or me. We think it is due to DH's heritage, he is a quarter Japanese but looks white. DD has her FIL's skintone (who is half Japanese). So far we've gotten no comments except from my mom who pointed it out and said it was beautiful. We have yet to see if it is a baby thing or if she'll keep it - it is really lovely.