SAHM v. SAHW

[Sheherezade]

Regardless of where our husbands are in training or whether we are working of SAHMs, motherhood forces us to sacrifice many of the personally enriching activities that you described.

And therein lies the rub. I think this is why people feel that their "brains have turned to mush". (A phrase I find personally insulting, BTW!) It isn't that you don't think. It's that you don't get to choice what to think, what problems to solve, or what avenues to investigate. They are defined for you on a moment to moment basis. It is a lot like the frustrations of being the intern assigned to Scut. You don't feel what you do is important and you may not think you are learning anything - but you are. It's just that you have been made in to a tool for the benefit of others. Motherhood makes you give up personal choices on a very invasive level. Like Kris says, you don't get to pee alone, you don't get to be sick, you don't get to sleep. Forget movies or taking classes. You do feel like you've hit the jackpot if you "get to" go to the drugstore all alone or take out the trash. It's a huge, huge adjustment. It's also very hard to comprehend for anyone who hasn't experienced being left alone with a small baby for a length of time.

[PrincessFiona]

So here is my offshoot from this topic.

This year, for the first time in 15 YEARS...I get the kids out the door and don't have to start picking anyone up until 1:15pm. I really thought that I was going to have all of this time to finally read a book, clean up the house, do laundry, .... Oh, OK...I was actually imagining myself coming home from the morning dumpkidsoffathon and jumping back into bed to sleep...because that is the only thing that even seems fun to me anymore. No matter how early I go to bed, I just feel exhausted all of the time. The biggest luxury in my life is now sleep...if you ask me what I want for Christmas: SLEEP...hours and hours of uninterrupted sleep...maybe a little sex and then more sleep. Actually, I can even live without the sex...just as long as I can sleep!

I have YET to come home and sleep and I'm still not getting anything done. How the HECK can that be? I am still so busy running forgotten violins, dropping off lunch money, picking up music books, getting saxophones repaired, finding the right running shorts for cross country, answering my phone, taking kids to appointments and generally running in circles that I don't know if I'm coming or going. If I do sit down or try to lay down, I feel so guilty about all of the MESS in my house and things to do that I can't relax or rest.

Am I alone? To me, this is just plain nuts!

[Pollyanna]

You are definitely not alone Kris. Everyone has this assumption that once the kiddos are in school you are home free, order the bon bons, sign up for the gym, and meet the ladies for lunch. Apparently this is only in the movies because once the kids hit school age, especially when they are all in school, our lives are nuts. And if you sign up for any school volunteer work, forget it. Sometimes when I do get a chance to lay down when baby is napping my head is spinning. I keep telling myself to try and rest to no avail. I can see how people manage to work when they have little ones but for the life of me I am amazed at people who manage to work when they have school age children.

[Vishenka69]

The difference between being a SAHW (a gig I did on and off for 2 years) and a SAHM is like the difference of living in the forest vs living in NYC. Forest life is stimulating in its own sense but is mostly about survival and enjoyment of non-survival related activities is almost non-existent.

Back when I was staying at home without a kid, DH and I had a great time together exploring our new area, traveling and frequently getting together with friends in NY. In the past 7 months we haven't been to the movies once and during our 2 trips to NY, sleep was number one on the agenda. I used to be an avid reader but now I can't even escape to the privacy of a bathroom. DD screams when I'm out of sight and now I have an audience that needs to be entertained even when I'm on the can. Sorry for TMI.

Angie, when I used the phrase, "brain turning to mush," I meant that I have a hard time focusing on an adult topic for longer than 10 minutes before my mind starts wondering in the direction of "do I need to order diapers, is there enough formula for this week, what vegetable should we try today, I wonder if she'll go down for a nap at 4 or should I wait until 4:30..." There are days I don't realize that I didn't eat since breakfast until I put her down at 6:30pm.

[Sheherezade]

Oh! I didn't mean that you had offended me! No problem. It is a common thing that people say and I usually take it to mean that when you stay home with kids, you aren't smart anymore. You become an idiot who can only blather on about childcare. That isn't true. What you describe is sleep deprivation. Believe me. If you got regular sleep for a few months, you would recover completely. If only you could get regular sleep.

[Amiens]

You mean you moms aren't eating bonbons and watching tv?

What are bonbons and watching tv? says the mom of four children in a 5 years span.

And therein lies the rub. I think this is why people feel that their "brains have turned to mush". (A phrase I find personally insulting, BTW!) It isn't that you don't think. It's that you don't get to choice what to think, what problems to solve, or what avenues to investigate. They are defined for you on a moment to moment basis. It is a lot like the frustrations of being the intern assigned to Scut. You don't feel what you do is important and you may not think you are learning anything - but you are. It's just that you have been made in to a tool for the benefit of others. Motherhood makes you give up personal choices on a very invasive level. Like Kris says, you don't get to pee alone, you don't get to be sick, you don't get to sleep. Forget movies or taking classes. You do feel like you've hit the jackpot if you "get to" go to the drugstore all alone or take out the trash. It's a huge, huge adjustment. It's also very hard to comprehend for anyone who hasn't experienced being left alone with a small baby for a length of time.

I have to agree with this. I don't think that my brain has turned to mush necessarily, but that as Angie says "you don't get to choose what to think, what problems to solve, etc." If anything I have a hard time keeping my thoughts organized- kid vs adult. I know that I am intelligent independent woman, not that I once was, but that person still exists inside of me. I love when my friends need a meal or help in someway.

I am trying hard not to be offended by the OP's insinuation that my job is not as hard as working outside of the home and that being a SAHM is a walk in the park. I am the go to person for EVERYTHING at home. Dh has to consult me before signing up the kids for activities, because he knows that it will eventually fall on my shoulders to be there, ie- our son and soccer. I don't get the luxury of reading when I want or where I want. *gasp* Sometimes I go to the grocery store at 9 pm just to escape so I can collect and organize my thoughts.

As another poster said SAHM vs. SAHW is like comparing apples to oranges. Taking care of a home and taking care of a house plus small individuals who require you to be "on-call" 24/7 are two entirely different things.

[madeintaiwan]

My thought would be that staying at home in general gives you more time to explore your own interests than when you're working (in my experience), and seems like it would probably be less stressful than working, and especially so if you're working and have kids--that seems like the most stressful situation. Maybe a solution is to hire a sitter a few times a week in the home so you can get things done at home/have time for yourself?

Puleez!!! You do know where you are at and who your audience is?! I'm sorry, as a family of 5 living on a resident's salary, I can barely afford to hire a sitter to go out once every six months with my husband let alone a sitter so that I can run errands and have time to myself a few times a week. You really have no clue. You may be childless and have no nieces and nephews, but surely you have watched tv, seen movies, and read books that describe the time suck that is otherwise known as parenting. And even on an attending's salary, WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS THAT YOU CAN NOT BUY SOMEONE TO DO THEM FOR YOU.

[houseelf]

You mean you moms aren't eating bonbons and watching tv?

Lilly, you little pot stirrer! You crack me up.

You mean you moms aren't eating bonbons and watching tv?

I missed this post at first. We're coming after you next.

[Meenah]

originally posted by lilysaywhat
you mean you moms aren't eating bonbons and watching tv?

Of course I am!!!!!!

[Flynn]

If you guys are eating bon bons where is my cut is what I want to know (says the mom who has been up with her crabby two year old since 4:15 a.m. and has a husband working very late tonight!)!!!!!

[houseelf]

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! *runs frantically in 4" heels*

Chasing you in faded slippers, a house coat, and a nursing bra that I forgot to latch back....

[HouseofWool]

Chasing you in faded slippers, a house coat, and a nursing bra that I forgot to latch back....

In all honesty, comparing being SAHM and being a SAHWife isn't at all apples and oranges. It's more like apples and concrete.

[PrincessFiona]

chasing you in faded slippers, a house coat, and a nursing bra that i forgot to latch back....

lol

[DCJenn]

Here's the difference- I'd give my left _____ [insert body part here- I was going w/ nut until I remembered that I didn't have one] to be a SAHW and you couldn't pay me any amount of money in the universe to be a SAHM again- especially to someone under say, 10.

Jenn