Need parenting advice on my 2yo

[migirl]

My 2.5yo DS is really quick to anger and (obviously) can't quite manage his emotions yet, so he resorts to hitting (usually his older brother, but he hits other children as well) and throwing things out of frustration.

It's gotten worse lately, it feels like he's hitting DS#1 all.the.time and I live in a constant state of fear when we're around other kids b/c I don't know who he's going to hit next!

Not that it's an excuse, but he's usually provoked in some way (someone takes his toy, etc) ... it's not like he's just randomly running around beating people up.

I've tried seemingly every method of discipline, and nothing seems to work. Telling him "no
hitting!", time-outs, putting him in his room, tending to the victim, even spanking (this just seems counterintuitive to me hitting him b/c he's hitting? - but I was getting desperate!).

I feel like I'm at my wit's end, I don't know what to do. We never had this problem with DS#1, so I'm sort of at a loss as to how to handle it. And being constantly bullied by his younger brother is starting to really take its toll on DS#1, he's becoming really frustrated (I can't say that I blame him!) and has even BITTEN DS#2 out of frustration which he has NEVER done before.

Help me! What do I do? How should I handle this behavior? I know that he'll eventually grow out of it (right? he's not going to still be smacking people when he goes off to college, right??), but it's starting to really become a problem for us now.

[Michele]

I tried to teach D to stomp when he was about 2 as a way to channel his anger/frustration. I also tried to get him to count to 3. Anything to get him to pause before he hit. I don't know that it worked all that great but it made me feel like I was doing something. I think he mostly outgrew it. Now we do "breaths" as in he has to breathe in and out slowly 5 times to calm himself down. He is still very quick to anger and will lash out at whatever is closest (toys, walls, me, his brother) if I let it escalate. Usually reminding him to breathe helps. But he's 4 now.


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[houseelf]

I don't have actual advice, but I know that it takes at least 3-6 months for kid behavior to settle out after introducing a new sibling. DD spent time cutting up her stuffed animals with scissors after DS2 arrived. When you're overwhelmed, just remember that everything is a stage and this will last about five minutes of your life.

[peggyfromwastate]

I like Michele's advice-- especially since she's BTDT. The stomping idea is great!

My ds Luke would lash out at the older sibs all the time too. He's constantly frustrated in life that he can't do everything they can do. He's just not quite able to- coordination-wise mostly. So, he lashes out at them. The older kids won't hit back, but there is a whole lot of tattling going on. At this age, 2.5, I did a lot of separating when I saw the behavior. I'd just put Luke somewhere else- away from the others. This was really why I kept rest time for so long for him (like, until last year...) because he needed alone time to just relax and not be in constant competition with the older sibs.



It's not easy.

I'm a big fan of removing the kid from the situation. I'd put him in his room / safe space for 5 minutes or so. I never held to those "time outs=X seconds per year" rules. Extra talking (after the fact) = extra attention. The breathing/stomping sounds great, but (to me) move of a PRE behavior type thing. Like while you're heading into a playgroup.

[ides]

O doesn't have siblings but we encourage him to hit inanimate objects instead of living things when he's frustrated then when he lashes at a living thing he goes to the naughty zone. It works pretty well. I don't think stomping would work for O cause he likes to stomp for fun but it's a great idea. I also think seperation is a good idea. Different zones or something. Maybe validating his feelings too? I know it's helps O when we do that. Good luck & calm vibes for your crew.

[DCJenn]

We bought the Hands Are Not for Hitting book (and the Feet are Not for Kicking book, too) and read those A LOT. I'd remove him from the event or situation whenever possible. Spanking NEVER worked for him- once it pissed him off so much he threw up so then I had a hysterical furious boy AND vomit to clean up- totally not worth it. He did get his mouth washed out w/ Dove soap (the bar kind) for spitting at me. That's never happened again...

J.

[PrincessFiona]

I don't have actual advice, but I know that it takes at least 3-6 months for kid behavior to settle out after introducing a new sibling. DD spent time cutting up her stuffed animals with scissors after DS2 arrived. :loll

LOL Go Kendal, Go Kendal! I love her!!!!

This is such a tough age. It seems like their ability to think and feel gets ahead of their ability to express themselves and their self-control. I don't have any suggestions to add beyond what has been said, but you are not alone!

Kris

[GrayMatterWife]

I'm a big fan of removing the kid from the situation.

At age 2, this is what I'd do, too. I doubt that spanking, screaming, time-outs, etc. would help. (Actually, time-outs have never been extremely helpful for me with DS. Most of the time, I tell him that I am so angry that MOMMY needs a time-out and he should go to his room for a while. I think it really upsets him to know that he has upset me so much, and he goes to his room. We get back together when both of us have had a chance to reflect.)

I rinsed DS's mouth with soap once, when he was four an backtalked me. Like DCJenn said, it never happened again and I've never had to do it again (I think soap-in-the-mouth is really a one-shot deal: either it works and you never have to use it again, or you have to move onto something else). But he was a lot older and understood consequences, and had been warned repeatedly of the exact repercussions of his mouthiness.

I think the suggested books sound like a great idea--give him an example of how to act, rather than punishing him for acting badly. He really does want to please you.

DD#1 is 25 months, so close in age. She does not hit, but she freaks out when she's frustrated. Tears and moaning. I can' stand it. When she comes to me, I make her ask for help ("Use your nice words!"--"Please help"). she feels empowered, it seems, to know words--albeit two very small words--that can help her be understood.

I've been sort of avoiding this thread... We don't have a hitting problem, so take others' BTDT advice first. Unkindness in our house usually takes the form of one child grabbing a toy and running gleefully while the other child screams. We've also had brief hair-pulling spells.

At the risk of sounding fruity, we do a LOT of talking about feelings, from early on. We do the "Can you make a sad face? happy face? mad face? silly face?" game. And then talking about feelings during the day - "You look so MAD! Your face looks like this [I make a mad face]." Or, "I see that big smile on your face! I'm so glad you're happy!" "You're crying and I can't understand you - can you stop crying and TELL me why you're sad?" The point is that they feel heard and begin to understand that there's more than one way to deal with feelings.

With sibling spats, we can talk about the other kid's feelings pretty easily. "You took that toy away from DD. How did that make her feel?" I half agree with the theory that kids at this age can't reason well, so the main reason for obedience is "because I said so." You give the advice and they obey, period - implement consequences, no need to hash it out. But my goal is for them to internalize the reasons for good behavior so they can choose for themselves, so I'm starting my own habit of helping them think it through now. Eventually (after crib time, if they need to cool down) I make them apologize to the other kid and then do something that would make the other kid happy (something specific - a hug, pat on the head, sharing a favorite toy). I enlist an older kid's help to "teach" the younger one - "Let her give you a hug; you're helping me teach her how to be nice. Take the toy and tell her thank you." We also take advantage of random moments or positive behavior to talk about things that make other kids feel happy. Sometimes the kids will point out their good behavior - "Mom, I gave a toy to DD! Look, she's so happy!"

Sometimes the shock factor can work for us, too. "You PULLED HER HAIR???!!! We do NOT pull hair. That HURTS! Would you like me to pull your hair so you can see how it feels? NO - that would HURT, wouldn't it!"

Every kid is different, even within families. Our super-fruity talk-it-out method may not work for some kids. But over time, it has helped mine to start paying attention to they way other kids feel, so I'll still throw it out there as an option. Hopefully if you try a few things you can find one that gets the message through.

[HouseofWool]

Sophie is 21 months and in order to get her attention, I find that I have to get down on my knees with my face right in front of hers and talk to her. It might be something as simple as "no hitting, we do not hit." after which she says contritely "oh-nay" (okay). If I give the same message without getting in her focus, she absolutely does not "get it". It doesn't stop the behavior long term, but it does help in the 30 seconds following the incident.

What kills me is that she throws stuff. Once, she grabbed a paring knife off the counter where I was prepping dinner and when I told her to stop, she flung the knife and it ended up sticking into the floor! The other day, she grabbed a dinner plate off the table and when I told her to put it back, she whipped it across the room. Luckily it is correll, so it didn't break, but it is going to be the death of me!

[MissCrabette]

Luckily it is correll, so it didn't break, but it is going to be the death of me!

No advice on dealing with kids, but I just wanted to say that I broke a Corelle plate a couple of years ago. It shattered into a million little glass shards. They may be break resistant, but when they break, they BREAK. Oh and they also don't replace them for free if they fall and break, as they don't consider that "normal household use."

[spotty_dog]

I know when you're in the thick of it the last thing you're going to do is sit down and read a book, but if you get the chance I simply adore Anthony Wolf's "MOM, Jason's breathing on me!"

[migirl]

Thanks, everyone. Allison, I'll have to check out that book.

I'm in the midst of reading the book Siblings Without Rivalry, so I guess I've been worrying about it a lot from the perspective of my kids' sibling relationship. As in, I don't want his bullying and aggressive behavior to cause damage in the way they relate to each other ... maybe I'm overthinking that issue, though.

I'll try some of these suggestions, but I have the feeling that he's just going to have to grow out of it. ~sigh~

[spotty_dog]

Wolf is very similar to Faber/Mazlish's approach, he's just a little more practical and humorous about it. He sets down very clear rules to follow, when to engage and interfere and when not to, etc. They make a lot of sense to me. I actually need to re-read it because my kids are in a new stage of relating to each other these days...

I kind of feel like if you want to take the long-term view and make sure that they have a healthy relationship into the future, you need to stay away from setting up a dynamic where "little brother hits, big brother complains to mom, mom is *always* on big brother's side, little brother is *always* labeled a bully". Especially now that little brother is a middle child and might latch on to that label as a way of defining himself separate from his siblings. I think it might be healthier to promote more of a "if little brother is too rough he can't play with big brother, and if big brother cries too loudly he can't play with little brother, but they REALLY WANT to play with each other so they work out a better way of interacting" situation.