Insight on Pregnancy with PGY (or any medical partner??)

[MarissaNicole]

'don't expect much and be pleasantly surprised!'

My motto is "Expect the worst; hope for the best." It has served us well.

[MrsK]

I was going to say my kids definitely changed the way I feel about my career. Before kids, I was commuting, telecommuting, working 60-80 hrs/wk, weekends, evenings, all of it. Now, I don't ever want to do that again and I've turned down positions that would require that.

[HeyMeganZ]

MrsK, are you still working? Did you have a difficult time finding a job that would let you balance kids/work? When in your DH's career did you start?

[Bittersweet]

I was going to say my kids definitely changed the way I feel about my career.

I agree! I made it work for six months by outsourcing all the household tasks we could afford and by hiring a kickass nanny. As long as we had a nanny to cover our long hours and sick days, I absolutely could have continued working (more than) full-time. However, my son’s bed time moved forward and I began seeing him awake only an hour or less per day. That wasn’t the life *I* wanted. I now work part-time and never dreamed I’d be so thrilled with my stalled, “mommy track” career.
I guess the moral of my over share is this: you can have a demanding career, a resident husband and a baby. You’ll make it work. You just might be surprised by how it all comes together.

[MrsK]

Meg, I was a BigLaw partner in a large city when I married my DH. We moved for internship a couple months later. I commuted and telecommuted for a year when we decided to start a family. I was very sick during my first pregnancy and grateful for telecommuting. I flew back to the city only twice during my pregnancy.

We moved again about 3 months before our baby was due and it was much harder to commute due to the lack of direct flights. I continue telecommuting, worked up to the morning our baby arrived, and flew back to the office with my 3 month old baby as soon as my maternity leave ended. At that point, I was already tired of commuting/telecommuting and the firm was losing traction.

I continued to telecommute, sent my baby to day care and pumped breastmilk in my lonely basement office. I hated it. I traveled back to the office when my baby was turning 1, told my partners I was pregnant again, and saw the panic in their faces and it was obvious that the ship was sinking.

I was 7.5 months pregnant with my second baby when the firm closed. We were living in a much smaller town where my experience was not relevant. My clients were not transferable and I was too pregnant to continue representing them on my own. I interviewed until I delivered and resumed interviewing when my baby was 3 weeks old.

Ultimately, the jobs I was offered that were consistant with my experience required a lot of travel. Having done the commuting thing before and with two babies under 2, I was no longer interested in that type of job.

Residency will be over in less than 2 years. I'm a SAHM for now (I love it) and I'm contempating a career change after residency.

Long story short, I was spread very thin and various factors outside my control (geography, economy, collapse of several national law firms) caused me to leave my career. It wasn't the babies but if not for the babies, I may have been willing to make more sacrafices to continue my career.

[HeyMeganZ]

ladies, THANK YOU!!! This is hugely, hugely helpful since I don't have any other peers married to anyone in medicine and no one I know who has had children while their DH was in residency. This is wonderful.

[Vishenka69]

We also lived in NYC during residency and I was working pretty long hours. Needless to say, we waited until we were done but since we were both 30 when that happened, we could afford to do that. All our friends and family who are still in NY or immediate suburbs and have kids either have a full time (60 hrs) nanny or a live-in. Even if you choose to do full time daycare, someone still needs to be available at all times in case the child gets sick and needs to be picked up early or can't go at all.

The upside of bad economy is that there's a big pool of qualified nannies. A friend of mine was just looking for one and said that for $15 she hand numerous applicants with masters in early childhood development.

[SoonerTexan]

I have to say, this whole having a baby 2nd year is golden. DH has been home the entire time. Next week has has to study hardcore for a test, but otherwise he has been home the ENTIRE time.

Classes are optional here--they have video streaming, but DH doesn't use it anyway. He is fine with the syllabus. He was excused from a minor lab and will go in for a handful of other things, but for the most part he is completely available to me. He's even coming to the ped and lactation consultant appts Monday. I cant say it would be like this everywhere, though--he notified profs/dean in advance and they even sent a congrats email asking for pics. The best part is he is off 2 weeks for Christmas.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I have to say, this whole having a baby 2nd year is golden. DH has been home the entire time. Next week has has to study hardcore for a test, but otherwise he has been home the ENTIRE time.

Classes are optional here--they have video streaming, but DH doesn't use it anyway. He is fine with the syllabus. He was excused from a minor lab and will go in for a handful of other things, but for the most part he is completely available to me. He's even coming to the ped and lactation consultant appts Monday. I cant say it would be like this everywhere, though--he notified profs/dean in advance and they even sent a congrats email asking for pics. The best part is he is off 2 weeks for Christmas.

Yeah I think 4th year is shaping up to be pretty ideal for us (especially with an early match). DH is studying for the boards until 12/22 (which he could have done earlier but didn't) and then he's off until February. In Feb he'll have a very light rotation (8 hour days, no call) and then he's off again until graduation. 2nd year DH would have had time off for Christmas but not much other time off until spring break. So, I guess the point is that you need to stalk the med school schedule a little bit if you're interested in med school babies. Residency babies...probably aim for a research year but otherwise all bets are off. FWIW, we won't be waiting to try again until research year, we're just going to deal with it because his research year is 4-5 years away and that's too long for us.

[HeyMeganZ]

Urgh, well....we're in residency, so I guess we'll just have to make due! Vishenka - I have a feeling I'm going to be reaching out to you in the future I never thought of that with the economy. W're (basically) 30 just starting. It's scary!

[SoonerTexan]

Sorry... Forgot to look at the title of the thread! Maybe good info for others though

[Flynn]

You cannot "have it all." Everything has costs. You need to figure out what is important to you and what you can handle.

You just got married, are married to a resident, live in an expensive city, have to work to live in that city, and work a high-pressured, time-demanding job.

Where would kids fit?

Just because he's mentally and emotionally ready--or even just because you both are--doesn't mean that it is the right time, unless you can change some of the above-described circumstances.

Or get a hell of a nanny.

YES this!!!!

[Vishenka69]

I've lived in NYC most of my life, so feel free to reach out. We still have lots of friends and family there and now many have small kids, so I also know all about peds and daycare and nannies, etc.

I also agree with GMW and Flynn, even though I went to Barnard and we were brainwashed that we can do anything, I am yet to meet a woman who can do it all while married to an equally career-oriented spouse. Something has got to give and many tend to outsource as much as possible. In that sense NYC is easier than other locations because outsourcing is what NYers do best. The one thing I still sorely miss about NY is that you can get anything delivered right to your door. There's even a service that will bring your Costco order. This way your free time can be spent with your family and not running errands. While suburbs are great, getting a toddler in and our of the car several times in a span of a couple of hours in the rain isn't my idea of fun.

[spotty_dog]

I also agree with GMW and Flynn, even though I went to Barnard and we were brainwashed that we can do anything, I am yet to meet a woman who can do it all while married to an equally career-oriented spouse.

http://pinterest.com/pin/177047829070500761/

[HeyMeganZ]

That sign is fantastic! I love the city - you're right, there is a strong advantage here to be able to outsource life. I wish it was easier to fit it all in - a demanding career, going back to school, working out, maintaining a social life, seeing family and friends as often as everyone would like, keeping the house clean and stocked with food, keeping our marriage feeling special, and being supportive/understanding to my DH's schedule and stress. Right now.... It's not all happening and I'm learning to accept that! We just had a talk last night about what things I'd have to give up to work and have kids....basically outsource as much as possible and drop a lot!