Unexplained tantrums?

[Pollyanna]

Yes, if you feel it's not safe to leave her alone just calmly hold her through it. I've done this with all my kiddos at different times. Just calmly love on her with very few words. I think she deserves and needs empathy in times like these. She is a sweet toddler confused by a rush of physical and emotional needs, it's more than okay to simply love on her. As she gets older her needs during these time will change.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Like you said, she probably didn't know what she wanted herself. Could be she was still tired or that she was starving and that made it hard to eat. At her age I would likely pick her up, tell her something like, "my love, mommy thinks you are having a rough morning and just need a break before breakfast". Then I would take her to another room and hold her until she calmed down. If she wanted alone time I'd put her in her bed and tell her to call mommy when you feel better. This is what I consider an "out of sorts" tantrum and one that should be handled differently than the, "I'm not getting what I want tantrum". Her age alone will make her a bit out of sorts. Hang in there mama, you did great!

Oh I like this very much! I don't want to immediately put her in her room because I don't think she deserves a timeout for having strong emotions (we don't even do timeouts yet, she's too young).

And that article is GREAT!! Thanks for posting it!

I struggle a bit because many members of my bible study (who I generally ADORE) are quite strict and into spanking. This would warrant a spanking from them. They are excellent parents (really, truly even though we differ on this point) but we (DH and I) don't spank at this point and probably never will. I also don't believe in spanking someone under 2 or for being upset. I don't trust myself to spank appropriately so we've decided for now not to do it. But I really appreciate you guys weighing in because I would have gotten advice to spank her from some other (very good) parents I know.

[Thirteen]

We don't spank, either. It seems antithetical to tell DS not to hit, and then "hit" him.


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[MrsK]

Spanking is not very effective in our house. I have a very strong-willed 3yo who definitely engages in provocative behaviour that would warrant a spanking in many households that are even less strict than ours. My own mother thinks he could do with more spanking and I know that certain moms around here do not think that my type of discipline is discipline at all (logical consequences, ignoring lesser infractions if I'm too busy/tired/overwhelmed to enforce punishments, time outs only for violent infractions, removal of privileges, rewarding positive behaviour. I remember being in one moms' group where a 3yo was spanked and put in time out for stopping a coin that he tossed into a wishing well because he wanted to toss it a second time.) The times that we have spanked -- when K1 is doing things that are dangerous and not listening, like rough-housing in the bathtub or running in the street -- it's backfired. His reactions have been to hit us back or to say, "You hit me! Why did you hit me?" It's really hard to rationalize spanking to a 3yo who sees it as the same as hitting and who knows that he's not supposed to hit under any circumstances. No matter how you phrase it, it sounds like you are saying that you lost your temper or were provoked. I really try to avoid spanking. We do a lot of verbal stuff with the kids because that's effective for them.

ETA: by "around here", I mean around my current city. I don't mean around iMSN.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Yes, if you feel it's not safe to leave her alone just calmly hold her through it. I've done this with all my kiddos at different times. Just calmly love on her with very few words. I think she deserves and needs empathy in times like these. She is a sweet toddler confused by a rush of physical and emotional needs, it's more than okay to simply love on her. As she gets older her needs during these time will change.

Thanks for this encouragement! I think this is what I need to try.

Of course she was covered in oatmeal this morning so that was a little gross but I could have done it after I cleaned her off.

[HouseofWool]

And just to be clear? What works for one kiddo might not work for the next. When DS was around 4, he needed the time alone to process his emotions and to regain his composure (he still does at times). So, he was sent to his room and told that when he was ready to be calm and kind he could come back out. (This was not done as a punishment, but rather to give him the space he needed.)

DD? Holy carp - she cannot self soothe when she is riled up. *I* need her to go to her room so I can regain control of myself sometimes, but she hardly ever calms down before I get there. However, she does seem to need to spend the emotions. And she is like a non-violent protester the entire way to her room - clinging to the railing on the stairs, holding out her arms to make it hard to go through a doorway... As much as I love her, she leaves me fried.

[diggitydot]

Jesus, I forgot how exhausting toddlers can be when they're being irrational little terrorists.



Thankfully, it passes. Eventually. And then they become teens...

[HouseofWool]

I constantly feel like C is in a golden age between the infant/toddler/pre-school years and the tween/teen years.

[Sheherezade]

As a counterpoint to all this good and sound advice, I was always the mom that tried to figure out the why of the tantrum. Removed from the lab bench, this is how I flexed my PhD muscles. My kids were my experiments. Lol Anyway, I would be trying a new chair, maybe giving Tylenol to rule out teething or ear pain associated with eating, checking the temp of the room, etc and I'd see what happened. My kids did not have many tantrums that didn't have a reason. I just throw it out there because despite ally fiddling and guessing at what ailed them, they've turned out fine as well.

The one "truth" I've discovered with parenting is that it takes a lot to truly screw your kid up. I'd just try what you think is best for her, stay calm and don't over think the "Is this good parenting" angle. Because honestly, who knows?

[ladymoreta]

Wow, I've been reading the responses and thinking "Ooh, that one's great! Oh wait, I agree with that one 100%. Hmm, I didn't think about that... Yes - that's what I do!" So basically, I'm just as stumped as you are!

I agree with Angie that most tantrums seem to have a reason, and sometimes it can be tricky to figure out. And along the lines of Happiest Toddler on the Block, if you can figure it out and verbalize it very simply (even if you don't give them what they want), the tantrum almost always vanishes immediately. Acknowledging their emotion even if you can't figure it out seems to work the rest of the time, but usually not as quickly. I also don't use the "caveman speak" very often; I just feel dumb. When DS is out of sorts, we ask him if he needs to take a break. If he settles, great; if he doesn't, we calmly take him to his room, give him a sippy cup of water and a book, and give him a hug. Then we tell him it's time to calm down, and he can come out when he feels better. He actually really likes it and has started saying he needs to take a break on his own when he starts getting in one of those moods. It's totally different from a time out, and it's definitely not a punishment. I see it as teaching him a tool to deal with his emotions. We'll start this with DD when it becomes necessary.

I'd also check for teeth or maybe just try ibuprofen for a few days in case it's growing pains or teeth that haven't bubbled up yet. You might also try starting with something else for breakfast. DS suddenly started disliking oatmeal after eating it for breakfast since he began solids. We went to cereal or other breakfast foods, and he is happy. Do you think she might also be going through a separation anxiety phase?

[SoonerTexan]

I share this article all the time regarding tantrums: http://www.mothering.com/community/a/cry-for-connection

You've shared this before. I love it

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Do you think she might also be going through a separation anxiety phase?

I didn't even think of this - but DD is going through an anxiety-type phase right now, but skipped over the earlier separation anxiety stage as an infant.

It could also be her trying to exert control. A does this a lot. Example:
Me: It's time to take a nap.
A: No no no no...(whinier and whinier, near tears, louder and louder)
Me: You seem tired, let's go close the drapes (something we do before every nap/bedtime)
A: (stops protesting and runs up to her room and begins her nap routine)
Me: (ready for drink, nap, massage)

Focus on the sweet times and try not to over-think her "toddlerness" - you're putting more effort into figuring her actions out than she is in doing them

[civilspouse]

We've stuggled with tantrums with DS too. DH tried holding him, but that just seemed to make it worse. I read the article spotty dog posted a while back and really liked it. I usually try to talk with DS when he starts throwing a tantrum in simple words and express empathy. Sometimes he just needs to let it run it's course so I stay nearby and go about my business and let him know when he's ready we can snuggle. He will usually run up to me after a while and ask to snuggle. Then we'll sit down together while he gathers himself. We've also worked with him on taking belly breaths which sometimes helps. We also talk with him a lot about finding his calm. Sometimes if he is starting to get upset about something now I can just saying "You're losing your calm, can you talk in a nice voice?" and he will catch himself and calm down before he loses it. Other times though he still melts down and we just wait it out. At that point I often tell him that he needs to find his calm and then we can talk. After a while he will stop screaming and say "I did find my calm."

Most times there is a reason, but other times there doesn't seem to be. It is really tough to just sit there and not do anything, but usually if I try to hold him or talk to him too much before he's ready it just makes things worse. I like the idea of having a nice calm place to go to and try to calm down, we might have to start trying that when he gets a little older. Not a time out, but just a break. At this stage though I like having an eye on him.

[Vishenka69]

We had this issue last year (it seems to have resolved itself for the most part after 3). What worked for us was to acknowledge that she is upset but to also let her know that I can't understand why she is upset, so she needs to calm down and explain. Then I went about doing my own stuff. At some point she would calm down and we'd continue with our day. Most of the time she had no idea herself why she was so upset. She would also insist on having a tantrum on the floor, regardless of where we were. One time I had to let her do it in a public bathroom. That was super gross but she was kicking and screaming and I was 7 months pregnant. She still gets upset over slightest things but not a full blown tantrum. I think being older and able to explain herself helps.

[moonlight]

We had this issue last year (it seems to have resolved itself for the most part after 3). What worked for us was to acknowledge that she is upset but to also let her know that I can't understand why she is upset, so she needs to calm down and explain. Then I went about doing my own stuff. At some point she would calm down and we'd continue with our day. Most of the time she had no idea herself why she was so upset. She would also insist on having a tantrum on the floor, regardless of where we were. One time I had to let her do it in a public bathroom. That was super gross but she was kicking and screaming and I was 7 months pregnant. She still gets upset over slightest things but not a full blown tantrum. I think being older and able to explain herself helps.

Your not the only one. Mine goes straight for the floor no matter where we are. Tonight she wouldn't hand me the DVD at check out. She laid down at the entrance to the Walmart Garden center. I didn't even want to touch her shirt after she did that!

The only thing that seems to help DD is acknowledging her feelings, explaining to her what's going on, then distracting her with a object if the explanations don't help her chill. We have trouble with transitions and try to use transitional objects to get her through it.