Toddler Sleep: I'm done

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

It's interesting to hear how different families work this out. We have actually tried more hands on cuddling, it actually seems to keep her awake. If she wakes in the middle of the night, lying with her keeps her up but if you just rub her back she conks right back out. I don't think she really inherited a strong cuddle gene from either of us even though I did love cosleeping when she was a baby.

Keep the stories coming! I know this too shall pass! And I actually feel empowered to know that we've done well this long and we've got a plan moving forward. I'm really comfortable with this decision (although I know it will suck in the short term) because I feel like we've done so well with the gentle methods and the bonding until now and that she will adapt. I think I'm to the point that I know this is the right decision for all of us so I feel somewhat at peace. Someone remind me of this at 8:30 PM...

[OrionGrad]

DS is only 11 months, but in the last month or so we've discovered that he goes to sleep faster when we leave him alone. I could be in there rocking him, rubbing his back, and patting his tummy for an hour, just to get the same results as if DH says goodnight and leaves the room. (In that case he'll usually fuss for 5 or 10 minutes then go to sleep.) I try to play it by ear, since every night is different, but DH is in the camp where he thinks we should let DS self soothe every night.

[GrayMatterWife]

am I the only one who's still coaxing an 18 month old to sleep?

You're definitely not alone. For attachment parenting practitioners, I don't think that 18 months is even a "problem" age for not sleeping alone. I have a lot of friends who followed the Sears attachment parenting style, and a lot of them dealt with this stuff. (Unfortunately, many of them are still dealing with it...only it is not a one-year old. It's their 10 year old who won't sleep/play/etc. alone. ) It is a struggle, but all parenting styles result in struggles, in one form or another. Maybe since you've done attachment parenting up through now, you should find out what the attachment parenting solution might be? What does the theory say about sleeping arrangements at this age? You might want to drop whatever approach is consistent with the theory you've been utilizing. Otherwise, it might be jarring and cause the problem to get worse.

We don't practice attachment parenting because it sounded horrible. My friends who do it absolutely swear by it, but I just didn't want to be that attached. Nine months in utero was enough attachment. Get out of my room, go the heck to bed and stop acting silly. (Better known as the "if you keep crying, I'll give you something to really cry about" parenting theory.) And my kids all slept alone through the night at that age, probably because they knew that whatever theoretical monster might be under the bed was not nearly as scary as the real MomMonster that would emerge if you screwed around at bedtime. Ha!! But, that being said...there were consequences of that parenting decision, too. I got sleep and privacy, but now my kids are all WAY too independent. It would be nice if someone acted like they were just a tiny bit disappointed to be dropped off at daycare...instead of running joyful to their teachers and forgetting to give me a good-bye hug. :\ And, the other problem is: because they were never allowed to sleep in my room, being in my room now if this huge, special deal. GO GO GO GO GO GO!! Get out of my room! Why are you here? ... Because it is a special, cool treat to be in my room. ***BACKFIRE!***

[SoonerTexan]

It's going to be interesting to see what it is like with #2. N was always big on cuddling. I don't know if it is inherited (Dh and I are big nighttime cuddlers), learned (the kid was held A LOT in her first year) or what. Maybe # 2 will want to be left alone. No clue. Poor 2nd child.

[SoonerTexan]

I have a lot of friends who followed the Sears attachment parenting style, and a lot of them dealt with this stuff. (Unfortunately, many of them are still dealing with it...only it is not a one-year old. It's their 10 year old who won't sleep/play/etc. alone.

Alright, this caught my eye. I think there is a lot of misconceptions about AP out there. It's based on Attachment Theory and is NOT about keeping your kids "attached" to you constantly. It's about emotional attachment, not physical attachment, though of course the two are intertwined. At the most basic level it is about meeting a child's emotional needs so they grow into emotionally stable and independent teens and adults--giving them a strong "base" to grow and explore from. The "8 Principles" are often touted, but they aren't a 100% "how to guide" for raising kids. Some people don't follow all of them, or cant. Heck, some people don't even know that is what they are essentially practicing. My parents didn't co-sleep with all of us past a certain age--there were 4 kids under 6. Not even possible. I'm working on kicking N out 100% because she kicks! And actually they are a little wider in interpretation than a lot of people think:

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/p...principles.php

A child who is overly anxious and doesn't want to leave his parents at all at 10 is not a normal or desired outcome of following AP. It's how we were raised and my siblings and I are all pretty independent people, though we definitely have a strong bond with our parents.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory (yes, wikipedia I know)

Obviously there is controversy because of course it is about parenting and what isn't a controversy in that arena, but it irks me a little when people assume that it is all about never being away from your kid, always co-sleeping, never doing CIO, or not disciplining. Not the case at all. (Not saying you specifically GMW, but I gather you don't have positive feelings about it) As always there are going to be some people who take it to the extreme and give it a bad name, but I think that is true of just about anything.

Off soapbox.

[SoonerTexan]

I'm sorry. In pregnant and ornery

[civilspouse]

Based on some suggestions I got here I moved from laying down in DS's bed to sitting up in bed holding his hand, sitting by the bed holding his hand, next to the closet, and then out of the room into the hall. I gave each move about a week and we usually had some screaming on the first night. I would talk with him about it beforehand (he was 2.5). It took a while, but he goes to bed pretty well now. He also wakes up less throughout the night. We were also trying to make a change before #2 arrived.

[Pollyanna]

Interestingly, CIO doesn't work with #6 because 1. She can go for HOURS and 2. It's too distressing to her older siblings, lol.

[spotty_dog]

It's going to be interesting to see what it is like with #2. N was always big on cuddling. I don't know if it is inherited (Dh and I are big nighttime cuddlers), learned (the kid was held A LOT in her first year) or what. Maybe # 2 will want to be left alone. No clue. Poor 2nd child.

This was the case for us. DD did so much better going to sleep alone than if she was held. Much less of a cuddler than her big brother! She still liked being worn and liked a lot of touch through the day, but bedtime was "swaddle/binky/bye".

[GrayMatterWife]

Alright, this caught my eye. I think there is a lot of misconceptions about AP out there. It's based on Attachment Theory and is NOT about keeping your kids "attached" to you constantly. It's about emotional attachment, not physical attachment, though of course the two are intertwined. At the most basic level it is about meeting a child's emotional needs so they grow into emotionally stable and independent teens and adults--giving them a strong "base" to grow and explore from. The "8 Principles" are often touted, but they aren't a 100% "how to guide" for raising kids. Some people don't follow all of them, or cant. Heck, some people don't even know that is what they are essentially practicing. My parents didn't co-sleep with all of us past a certain age--there were 4 kids under 6. Not even possible. I'm working on kicking N out 100% because she kicks! And actually they are a little wider in interpretation than a lot of people think:

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/p...principles.php

A child who is overly anxious and doesn't want to leave his parents at all at 10 is not a normal or desired outcome of following AP. It's how we were raised and my siblings and I are all pretty independent people, though we definitely have a strong bond with our parents.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory (yes, wikipedia I know)

Obviously there is controversy because of course it is about parenting and what isn't a controversy in that arena, but it irks me a little when people assume that it is all about never being away from your kid, always co-sleeping, never doing CIO, or not disciplining. Not the case at all. (Not saying you specifically GMW, but I gather you don't have positive feelings about it) As always there are going to be some people who take it to the extreme and give it a bad name, but I think that is true of just about anything.

Off soapbox.

I'm just saying that most of the kids I happen to know personally whose parents claim to practice AP are spoiled brats who have zero idea how to function without mommy holding their hand. At age 10. Or older. My sister has done this with her kid, too, and he is a total terror at age 3-1/2. I mean, he is just an unpleasant child who completely lacks self-confidence to do the most basic things apart from his mom. He couldn't go to sleep on his own if someone gave him a tranquilizer, and it is because my sister substitutes parental self-indulgence an discipline for coddling. Which is not AP, from what I understand. My kids were with him at a family even recently, and were absolutely shocked. They had no idea how to respond to a three-year-old who sobbed for TWO HOURS STRAIGHT because mommy went out for a date night with daddy and wasn't there to sleep next to time. My nine-year-old son quietly asked if his cousin was "insane." And I am pretty sure he meant clinically, and I didn't blame him for asking.

My guess is, people whose kids turn out this way misunderstand how to practice AP. Sears was no idiot. I doubt his theory is just wrong; it is probably in the execution.

Tulips sounds like she has practiced it correctly and is just at a "transition" phase, where the attachment practice needs to take a different form. Transitions can be very hard, especially at that age.

[SoonerTexan]

I agree. That isn't what it's about

[spotty_dog]

I'm just saying that most of the kids I happen to know personally whose parents claim to practice AP are spoiled brats who have zero idea how to function without mommy holding their hand.

This phenomenon is actually really widespread up here in the PNW. It's caused my friend in Seattle (Catholic mama of 3 who expects a high standard of behavior from her children because she knows that she plans for more children and she does not need to be dealing with an undisciplined hoard when she has 5 or 6 or more kids to live with and manage in public) to dissociate herself from the label "AP" even though she parents responsively, wears/nurses/co-sleeps with her babies, prefers gentle discipline, homebirths, etc. She sees armies of mommy martyrs masquerading as "AP PARENTS", all-caps, and notes that many of them are well-to-do and can hire out most of the other household tasks so that they can focus massive amounts of energy on meeting the needs and wants and whims of one -- maybe two -- children. It's not always pretty.

I would still say I practice attachment parenting in that I follow the 8 principles. But I look at the roots of AP, at how Sears was influenced by Liedloff's Continuum Concept, and that is more the spirit of my parenting style. It's actually all about benign neglect. Keep your kid in arms and on the boob while they are small, because it lets you get stuff done and keeps them mostly quiet. Get them independent and let them explore the world ASAP, same reason. Children are involved in all aspects of life, but they are never the *center* of the community or its activities. Liedloff describes babies toddling around the village with minimal supervision, young children expected to mimic and then usefully participate in the adult activities around them...lots of trust and lots of letting go. But that trust is based on children being completely confident that their parents will be there to support them when it's needed, and parents having the deep connection with their children to know just what they're capable of.

[Pollyanna]

Yes to what Alison said. We have always parented much like Sears suggests but I never read the Baby Book until we had our 4th. I was all, "hey, that's what we do". But I have never once considered myself to be an AP parent. I guess I feel like I'm more of an "tuned in" parent than anything. That's why what we do works for our kiddos, because we are tuned into their needs, other children may have different needs than mine.

[v-girl]

Interestingly, CIO doesn't work with #6 because 1. She can go for HOURS and 2. It's too distressing to her older siblings, lol.

We tried it with our first. She would cry until she puked. No thanks. The second one did the same. Apparently my kids would rather hurl than cry themselves to sleep.

[Phoebe]

I'm still coaxing my 9yo to bed.