Spouse Help

[alotofyarn]

How much did your spouses help out with newborns during residency? My husband will be on SICU when the baby comes, rotating between two weeks of day shifts and two weeks of night shifts for a couple of months. I fully realize that when he's on nights, I'm on my own. He's a little bit delusional though when he thinks he gets to sleep through the night when he's on days and I'll do all the work, when I have a full time job and work all day too (though admittedly not quite as long in the office as his shift, although I do feel like I make up for it with the extra work I do to keep the house running). We are planning to hire somebody to help clean very soon to take some of the extra work away, but I'm not doing all of the night work just because he thinks he needs sleep more than I do. Any tips for convincing him otherwise??

[SoonerTexan]

A knee to the balls?

[ides]

A knee to the balls?

He he.

Mine did practically none once his vacation was over. We'd get in arguments about him holding the baby for 30min so I could cook dinner. He was in a super malignant general surgery program though.

[SuzySunshine]

If you are going to be breastfeeding there really isn't much point in him getting up IMO. Now once you're done with that he should be helping if his schedule allows, my husbands never did!

[HouseofWool]

If you are going to be breastfeeding there really isn't much point in him getting up IMO. Now once you're done with that he should be helping if his schedule allows, my husbands never did!

Does B know about the other husband? Because I am thinking 2 might just be the key to getting stuff done around the house.

[Thirteen]

Dark days. DS was born during surgery rotation.
I think he was 2-3 wks (?) when I ugly cried for help. He lovingly told me he couldn't help, and that was that.

I say all that to be a realist. We ate a lot of takeout, things that were delivered to the house (even though we were broke), and the house was gross. I had mastitis twice, lowered my housekeeping standards, hid all clocks so I wouldn't know what time it was, and we survived. DH is a great dad, and a good husband -- DS is happy, well-adjusted and self-weaned. You guys will find a new normal, make compromises along the way, and everything will be okay. If you can afford to hire out housekeeping, make pre-made dinners en masse, etc., do it.



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[SoonerTexan]

Does B know about the other husband? Because I am thinking 2 might just be the key to getting stuff done around the house.

Nope. It's a wife we need.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

If you are going to be breastfeeding there really isn't much point in him getting up IMO. Now once you're done with that he should be helping if his schedule allows, my husbands never did!

This.

I'd have loved the help (DD was 5 months old when intern year started) but honestly, it just wasn't reasonable to ask since I was the one BFing. We did not supplement with formula and my supply was very borderline so not BFing at night was not an option for me - not BFing at night would have caused a further decrease in my supply. DH did help on a few desperate nights but it was not many.

I was in the same situation. We both worked and I didn't work 40 hours/week, I worked at least 60. I also traveled with the baby both with and without my nanny (yes, I'm insane) because what the hell was he supposed to do at night without the boobs?

I cannot recommend a floor bed highly enough. I absolutely could not have survived if I had to sit up and rock her back to sleep with every feeding. Kid didn't sleep through the night until 14 months. With the floor bed (twin mattress on the floor), I could go to her room, pull up my shirt, let her latch and be back to sleep in 5 minutes...wake up to flip sides. Or if I didn't fall back asleep, at least I was laying down and could leave after the feed was over. The floor bed was firm with no covers so it didn't pose any kinds of SIDS risk for cosleeping. It allowed me to parent at night while still getting some sleep. It also prevented him from being awoken too much - literally my DH was a zombie during intern year. I know there are some dads who managed to help, that was not possible for us. He was so tired that honestly, it would have been unsafe many nights - he fell asleep holding her at 8 PM many nights and almost dropped her twice (he's a deep sleeper).

Plus, the floor bed has continued to be helpful because I can sleep with her when she's sick or when DH is on home call (call after intern year is home call), she's not in our bed being woken up by the pager.

ETA: I don't want to traumatize you. Only to set realistic expectations. Getting bent out of shape about it wasn't going to help, at least in my situation. And look at me now...I'll be doing solo nights from weeks 5-12 (DH will be on another away rotation) so there's not even a possibility of nighttime help.

[alotofyarn]

A knee to the balls?

Tempting!

He he.

Mine did practically none once his vacation was over. We'd get in arguments about him holding the baby for 30min so I could cook dinner. He was in a super malignant general surgery program though.

He's in general surgery right now, and it's not especially family friendly that I know about - at least none of the other residents actually have kids. I think the first month will be the worst. At least in January he switches over to my dad's service! All of those staff have kids and are generally pretty great to work for, and the currently fellows are all women.

If you are going to be breastfeeding there really isn't much point in him getting up IMO. Now once you're done with that he should be helping if his schedule allows, my husbands never did!

I am planning to breastfeed, but I'll pump too, because once she goes into daycare, she'll have to take a bottle.

Does B know about the other husband? Because I am thinking 2 might just be the key to getting stuff done around the house.

Brilliant!

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Tempting!
I am planning to breastfeed, but I'll pump too, because once she goes into daycare, she'll have to take a bottle.

I pumped during the day but unless I BFed at night (and basically any time when not actively working), my supply dipped.

[SuzySunshine]

Does B know about the other husband? Because I am thinking 2 might just be the key to getting stuff done around the house.

Hah hah, no but as little as he's home I could totally have another one

[civilspouse]

DH is a great father, but he has never been the night parent. I work full time too, but like everyone else said I have the boobs. DH is a heavy sleeper so he usually sleeps through the kids waking up. He will help out on rare occasions. DS didn't take bottles well and made up for it nursing at night. Like T&S, I coslept so I could get some rest with the feedings. With DD she has been a great sleeper. She usually has a 6-8 hour stretch without waking at night so I haven't coslept with her, maybe only for a couple hours in the morning for a nice snuggle . DS was in our bed after his first wake up in the night, pushed against the wall with me between DS and DH. When he was about 18 months we moved him to a floor bed (twin mattress on the floor) and I would go in there to lay down with him (he weaned right around a year old). He still wakes up in the middle of the night a few times a week and even though I don't lay down with him I have to go into his room and comfort him. When DH tries to help me out and go in DS screams that he wants mommy and takes longer to go back to sleep, it's just harder on everyone.

Since DS never took bottles well, it didn't really matter that I was pumping and like T&S I didn't want my supply to drop. We didn't give bottles until about 6 weeks. I've read that the early morning hours are when you have the most milk. If you want to build up a freezer stock though, what I've done with both kids is about 1/2 way through my leave I started pumping on one side while feeding the baby on the other at the first feeding of the morning. That way I had a nice freezer stash built up when I went back to work. I took the first 6 weeks or so to not worry about pumping and just concentrate on breastfeeding.

Hopefully you'll get a baby who sleeps through the night right away and it won't be an issue. It will take a little bit, but you guys will figure out what works for you and it will be fine.

[Ladybug]

oops

ETA: if BFing works for you there is no point in waking him up. The baby will feed and snuggle back to sleep. BFing babies get very angry when theirs dads try to feed/hold them during the night. Dad's don't smell like mom or milk. The more they cry the harder they are to settle back down to sleep...the longer everyone is up. BFing makes you the go-to for the baby. He can cook, clean, pick up dinner, hold a fussy baby during the evening so you can rest, give baths, etc. The responsibilities will shift and evolve over time, but they are very mommy-heavy in the beginning for BFing moms. They do change, more quickly in hindsight. Now DH makes breakfast and does baths and cooks adult meals too. It was a learning process though. Fathers are made, not born when the baby is born.

[MrsSz]

Does B know about the other husband? Because I am thinking 2 might just be the key to getting stuff done around the house.

I was like... Woah... I really have been only lurking lately... Hahah

[Vanquisher]

DH helped at night as 4th year med student and intern when and where he could. I would expect nothing less. He is their father.