Nurturing a Tender Heart

[SuzySunshine]

Ok experienced mommas I need some help!

I've always known that R was a tender heart but today for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized I don't know what to do with him. We were watching football today, and don't get me wrong he is all boy when it comes to sports - totally competitive, loves to watch them, loves to pick a team and cheer them to the death, but if that team (or he) loses he has a TOTAL melt down.

Today we were watching the Steelers play, he started calling them the Takers - like stealing is a bad thing and I'm not going to call them that, maybe I'm reading to much into it but it was pretty funny and no matter how many times I corrected him he wouldn't call them the Steelers.

So my question is how do I nurture his loving, caring heart without the meltdowns? Or talk him through the meltdowns so they are fewer and far between. We have tried the sportsmanship talk, about congratulating the other team/player, etc. and it helps but doesn't stop them....

[MrsK]

I think your approach is good. K1 also has a hard time accepting second place. I talk to him about feeling good for the winner even if it's not him, letting others enjoy their a turn to win, having another chance to win next time. Also, I try to talk to him about not letting a disappointment spoil his fun, attempting to teach him resilience. I think at this age, especially in our current culture where everyone gets a trophy and all the children are above average, it's hard for children their age to accept when they don't win. Unfortunately, it's part of life and not everyone can come in first or even be first runner up every time. It's a wonderful thing to have a loving, caring heart but disappointments are a fact of life.

[Deebs]

We have the same struggles here. We play a lot of family games where H and I don't let the kids win. It's good for them and gives us another opportunity to talk about being a good sport.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[SuzySunshine]

See I'm not a big fan of the "everyone gets a trophy, medal, etc." I think that lends itself to the problem honestly. I grew up playing sports, I didn't get medals/trophies/etc. all the time, I still loved the competition and still do. He needs to learn to deal with disappointments, I just feel like there is something more I should be doing then what we are.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Can you point out how good he feels when he does win? And then remind him of how that felt when he doesn't -- so he understands that sometimes you feel great and sometimes you don't but that's why we play, because each time we get a shot at feeling great. Also, being a "poor sport" spoils someone else's enjoyment of their win.

[HouseofWool]

It is normal at this age. I usually up the number of kid games that I play with them and try to win so that they experience losing more often. When we play the games, the winner is required to say "Thanks for playing with me, maybe next time you'll win" and the loser is required to congratulate the winner. After a bit, the perceived agony of losing lessens and I ease up making them parrot the phrases as long as when we all play together, everyone is a good sport. But it takes a bit of time and they will be upset at losing. I would include A in the process because she can be a great model for R and then it makes it more apparent that not everyone can win if 3 people are playing.

[Pollyanna]

He's young so I'd just tell him that he doesn't get to play games if he cries about losing, or if the game isn't going his way. You could point out that no one likes to play with someone that behaves that way. Just be simple and direct, it doesn't need to be a big conversation.

Our kids know that we won't stand for crying on the ball field or at a dance competition, etc. In the words of Abby Lee, "save those tears for your pillow". Okay, we don't say that but we do tell then that they WILL be good sports or we will pull them off the field by their ears. There is no throwing of bats when they strike out, no crying when they lose or make a mistake, etc. Certainly they can be disappointed or frustrated but you save that for after the event and discuss it with your parents. What happened? How can it be avoided next time? What about bad calls?

If you just don't allow that behavior as an option starting at this age I promise it won't be an issue. Your children will understand the expectations and live up to them. And it won't change their tenderness. Dd13 will take your head off on the field but he is always the first guy there to pick up the opposing players and make sure they're alright. It's part if sportsmanship. He knows how to behave during game play AND after.

[spotty_dog]

We just do the sportsmanship talk over, and over, and over. It seems to have started taking around age 6, I can now mutter "sportsmanship!" when he moans about the other soccer team scoring a goal on his team, and he shapes up pretty quickly.

[Pollyanna]

The other component is modeling good sportsmanship. No yelling at the refs, being rude to the other team, and during the child's game only cheering. Do not coach your kid from the bleachers. This goes for watching all sports, college and pro. It's much deeper than most consider.

I know this doesn't apply to you Cheri, please know I'm not implying that at all!!! I only bring it up because we tend to forget the role our own behavior plays in our kids attitudes.

[SuzySunshine]

Along those lines I read an article the other day that said you should tell your kids, "I had fun watching you today" instead of stressing whether they did good or bad, etc. I think at this age this is especially important. I definitely want to work on this with him because I've learned quickly kids can be mean and I don't want him to be made fun of because he is a crier in these type of situations. I want him to be a tender hearted kid, I think boys that are grow up to be such great young men but I don't want other kids to scar him about it either.

Thanks guys, as usual, great advice.

[Pollyanna]

Along those lines I read an article the other day that said you should tell your kids, "I had fun watching you today" instead of stressing whether they did good or bad, etc. I think at this age this is especially important. I definitely want to work on this with him because I've learned quickly kids can be mean and I don't want him to be made fun of because he is a crier in these type of situations. I want him to be a tender hearted kid, I think boys that are grow up to be such great young men but I don't want other kids to scar him about it either.

Thanks guys, as usual, great advice.

Yes, that's great advice. We say similar things, "it was a blast being at your game, it's so neat to see you on the field tonight, etc". For younger ages it ended there. As our kids got older they'd want to discuss specifics or ask advice, or just vent about something.

I wouldn't worry about him being made fun of. There are far too many criers IMO and it doesn't seem to phase anyone (sure the other kids get annoyed but they typically just ignore those kids). Kids get away with sooooo much more than we ever did.

[peggyfromwastate]

You know what? I'm a fan of everyone gets a trophy. I just am. For young kids in rec league, why not. A few of my kids struggle with athletics--- without the everyone gets a trophy approach, they would have no trophies. One of my kids excels at one sport. And he has oodles of trophies. His are bigger, but that's ok.

Maybe I'm a weenie. But I just see it as a positive memento. Moving those suckers and dusting those suckers--- that's another thing altogether.

As to the question, I have one child who is wicked competitive. At age 12 she STILL has breakdowns when she doesn't win. Not for her sports--- but within the family playing board games? Or the wii? Yeah. Not pretty. She gets it, and is working on it. I have always sent her away/ended the game when the meltdown begins. I dunno why she has such a problem with it. Maybe it's annoying being the twin of the kid who ALWAYS wins.

[Sheherezade]

Peggy, THANK YOU. I don't know, but this whole "kids are so entitled and whiny and they have it sooooo easy these days" thing is getting old to me. I think it's this generation's version of "I walked to school uphill BOTH ways in the snow!". We didn't have it tougher than kids today; it was different. I've not seen that much of everyone gets a trophy in my tenure as a mom in five different cities. In fact, we have one participation trophy from 12 years of competitive soccer/club soccer/rec soccer. One. Think it was a second grade end of season party.

These days, I'm mostly feeling sorry for kids today for their lack of a real childhood. Too much scheduling, too many responsibilities, too much pressure. Full loads of AP classes each year of high school, testing constantly with stressed out teachers, social media bullying to avoid and legal action taken against kids for sexual harassment in the first grade. *sigh* Different worlds. They have it much tougher than we did. Maybe it's just looking at the teenage years.

As for your question: just wanted to say I'm in agreement with Peg. I don't see that much bad sportsmanship from kids. It's usually the parents on the sidelines...and if you don't have that going on, I think your child will grow out of any upset. As for his Steelers schtick, I think it's just important for him to realize that YOU aren't seriously angry or hateful towards the other teams when you cheer. You are a HUGE sports fan and that whole experience might be confusing for a young kid. They watch you for cues. "Hating" the other side, just for fun, is a confusing concept. I'd try to figure out a way to lighten up my own cheering if I wanted my kid to take it less seriously.

As for his own participation, sounds totally normal to me. And I agree it's usually when the parents are pushing performance that the kid becomes more hardcore.

[diggitydot]

Nurturing a Tender Heart

I have to agree that I've witnessed FAR more shitty sportsmanship from parents than ever even imagined from kids. I, too, don't have a problem with participation awards for younger kids. Have fun, work hard, listen to your coaches, and learn as much as possible. A participation award simply becomes a memento to the kid.

Our two oldest are in various sports and the parents make me want to choke a bitch. The last middle school volleyball game of the season a mom was screeching at her kid across the gym, trying to get her to do exactly the opposite of what the coach had told her to do. Mom lost her shit because the kid listened to coach instead. Then mom's friends started yelling at her, too. Poor girl was absolutely mortified and was crying by the end of the match. Mom's friends then singled out other girls on the team and blamed them for "talking about her". Yeah, no -- that kid was crying because her mom is a dick who just showed exactly how much of a dick she is to a gym full of people that her daughter knows.

[SuzySunshine]

I'm fine with the medals they are getting now because they're not playing competitively and are still learning but I think once the kids are old enough to know the sport (I don't know maybe 3rd grade + (or older I don't have one there yet)) they should be keeping score and learning all the rules and being rewarded accordingly. But yes, I agree parents are out of control, even at this age - the stuff I've already witnessed at my 3 & 5 year olds t-ball and soccer makes me sick and makes me hope they choose other things and not sports. And that is coming from someone that is a HUGE sports fan and played all through high school.