Saying no without saying "no"

[GreyhoundsRUs]

I'm horrible at it. "Don't do that" "We do not do this"

Any suggestions on a more positive approach??


Wife of a PGY-4 Orthopod

[Deebs]

I'm trying to coach DH to instead give the kids an idea what they SHOULD do. I don't believe in not saying "no" to my kids (I have a neighbor who does, though and to each his own), but, especially with my DS, telling them what to do is much more effective.
Instead of "don't run", "use your walking feet"
"be quiet, don't yell" "use your inside voice"
I can't quickly think of other examples, but once you start, it comes pretty naturally.

[spotty_dog]

Always lead with the yes. "Yes, you really want to go outside!" "Yes, scissors are fun, let's find the baby scissors and put away the giant pointy shears in their proper place!"

When I did need to lay down the law, I used to say "Not for babies" or "Feet on the floor" or "Keep the water in the tub" or "Keep the food on your tray" or whatever positive restatement. I try to remember that when you say don't do that, they don't hear the don't, they just hear the do that and are reinforced for it.

I only ever said a powerful NO to things like running in the street.

[diggitydot]

You can tell that my kids are older because, "Knock that shit off," is entirely permissible.

[Auspicious]

I agree this is very age-dependent.

Also there's the "Yes, but."

"Yes, but after lunch." "Yes, but only if you help me finish the shopping in time." "Yes, but when you are 18."


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[BonBon]

I try to remember that when you say don't do that, they don't hear the don't, they just hear the do that and are reinforced for it..

I've found this to be true with my kids so have also done the "do this instead".

My kids are old enough now that I use DD's method as well.



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[PrincessFiona]

I like Deebs approach. I'll have to work on that. As it is, I've gotten to that point of exasperation lately where I roll my eyes and say "I just can't ..." before coming to a no. My poor kids walk around mimicking me "I just can't..."

Bad Mommy.

[Pollyanna]

Always lead with the yes. "Yes, you really want to go outside!" "Yes, scissors are fun, let's find the baby scissors and put away the giant pointy shears in their proper place!"

When I did need to lay down the law, I used to say "Not for babies" or "Feet on the floor" or "Keep the water in the tub" or "Keep the food on your tray" or whatever positive restatement. I try to remember that when you say don't do that, they don't hear the don't, they just hear the do that and are reinforced for it.

I only ever said a powerful NO to things like running in the street.

This for sure! Really try to think ahead about how your directions are perceived by your child.

[HouseofWool]

You can tell that my kids are older because, "Knock that shit off," is entirely permissible.

Yep - I will admit I have said that to C. Occasionally preceded by "What the hell were you thinking?" Normally is association with rough-housing with his sister. Seriously, he outweighs her by 50 pounds - he should know better.

With S, I try to do the positive statement thing. We can do that later. And I use maybe a lot...

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Thanks! This is helpful - I have been trying really hard to not be "mean mommy" always saying no It just seems like she's getting into much more trouble than usual She actually told me the other day that "Daddy is so much fun"...

[GrayMatterWife]

Some of my reactions to bad behavior:

"That is unwise."

"Your actions are imprudent."

"Reconsider your position. Immediately."

"Your argument is unpersuasive."

"That's the best you got? That's your plan? Pitch again."

"On what planet did that seem like a good idea?"

"I'm met my quota of dealing with other people's imprudence today."

"You are lying to me. Do you know what I do for a living? I decide whether people are lying. Don't try me. I'll bury you."

I don't think my approach is necessarily the healthiest. Haha.

I don't shout. I don't berate. But I make displeasure known. Call it a gift.

**Side note: some idiot pro se plaintiff called me "mean" in a pleading filed with my judge. HAHA! The judge poured his ass OUT for that.

[MrsK]

I do say no. Actually, it's usually something more along the lines of "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

I had tried the "yes but" and "maybe later" and telling them what they should do approaches but my kids figured it out fast and they use it as a starting point for negotiation.

[Vanquisher]

I definitely say no. Also, knock that shit off and others.

[mommax3]

I remember saying all of these things. A lot. When my oldest (and most challenging child by far) was a toddler, we went through a time when my "no" became "not at all" because he was *always* looking for the exception to the rule. During that time (I'm sure he was 3!) he would have tantrums and instead of saying "no" to me, he would parrot back "not at all, mommy, not at all" through tears of rage. Ahhhh, good times!

[Thirteen]

"I need you to trust Mommy, and listen."

Mostly, we do a lot of choices talk, and if/then, first/then, statements.

Undoing the "no", just like stopping the yelling habit, takes a while. I'm pretty comfortable right now with where I'm at, but DS will throw me for a loop soon.




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