Kid planning/ spacing

[gcuthbe1]

[MENTION=3775]JDAZ11[/MENTION] thread is not making me excited for the 2-3 yo years. But so many people have kids 2 years apart in age (including all my siblings)! If the 2's and 3's are so terrible why do so many people choose to add in an infant to that equation? Discuss! DH and I are already curious about what to factor into our decision of trying for #2 (beyond what peer reviewed evidence suggests )

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[OrionGrad]

I haven't read the other thread yet, but I suspect everyone's experiences are different. I tend to have pretty demanding infants who turn into relatively easygoing toddlers. I had J and T exactly 2 years apart (to the week), then E came 2.5 years after that. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's not so bad. (This age gap is all I've known though.)

[rufflesanddots]

FWIW, I remember my child development prof saying 18 mos and 4 yo were "good" developmental times to add another. I think the theory is that at 18mos, the elder child won't really remember being a singleton so the transition is smoother. At 4 yo, the elder kid can articulate their needs and is a bit more self sufficient.

No idea how that plays out in real life, though. Or how it looks when adding a third, fourth, etc.

Like @OrianGrad said, it's gotta be dependent on personal circumstances and luck. If you and DH are feeling healthy, secure, ready, and really wanting to add another, then that sounds like a good time to me, you know? I have no kids and only one semester of child development, so take that for what it's worth.

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[spotty_dog]

[MENTION=3775]JDAZ11[/MENTION] thread is not making me excited for the 2-3 yo years. But so many people have kids 2 years apart in age (including all my siblings)! If the 2's and 3's are so terrible why do so many people choose to add in an infant to that equation? Discuss! DH and I are already curious about what to factor into our decision of trying for #2 (beyond what peer reviewed evidence suggests )

I wanted my baby to really get to be my baby, without any other baby in the family, for at least two years. I also wanted a taste of toddlerhood before I committed to adding a second. But I wanted mine to be spaced closer than me and my brother (nearly 4 years apart, and at such different stages throughout childhood that I hardly remember interacting with him.) So we started trying when DS was about 17-18 months. But...it turns out that the baby fits they have before two years are not really good predictors of a truly tantruming two-year-old. And I did not account for the fact that getting pregnant would spoil my milk supply almost immediately. So my firstborn didn't get to be my baby quite like I'd envisioned, and upending his world by adding a sibling at his least verbal, most self-centered stage was a bit of a challenge for us all. So much for the best laid plans!

So, if I had it to do again, I might have spaced them out a bit more. But on the other hand, they've been best friends since little sister could walk and talk, so 27 months is a pretty good spacing for us. (Plus DD was born at the end of residency at which point we moved halfway across the country with a 5 month old...if she'd been much younger it would have been much tougher.)

There's just basically no one right answer! You have to do what makes sense for your family, I think! (And of course, human reproduction has its own unpredictable factors to throw into the mix...trying to pin down a window too narrowly starts to look a lot like "man plans and god laughs," you know?)

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Lots of things factor in but I think the 2-3 year age gap makes sense for a lot of people because they (generally) start sleeping better around a year and things generally seem more manageable. Also, if you're breastfeeding, that may be when cycles start or start to regulate again (though again, wide variation).

C and D are 22 months apart. We were told C was basically a miracle baby and we'd need IVF so we started trying for D when C was 12 months old. Took 2 assisted tries (Clomid). If I'd known that I would get pregnant that quickly, I might have spaced slightly further but being that they're the same gender, their closeness has actually been GREAT because they're basically into the same things and they were born in the same season so the clothes have generally lined up.

D and R are 2.5 years apart. We were trying to decide on 3 vs. 4. If we committed to 4, we would have waited another year to get a close pair and then 3 years and then another close pair. Alas, we can't seem to decide so eventually we just went for it and they're exactly 2.5 years. D was a much harder toddler than C was so I was grateful for a little extra space.

Unclear if we'll have 4. DH seems done and we have 3 great kids already so who knows. R was a particularly crappy sleeper and I think that's really taken it's toll as well as the fact that we're moving twice in 13 months.

Things I've seen that play into people's decision:
--Age (mostly maternal but sometimes both)
--Desired number of kids (more you want, usually the closer they are)
--Neediness of the kids/challenge of infancy
--Life circumstances (like our move)

I will say that going from 0 to 1 was the biggest adjustment while 2 to 3 was the easiest. The older two already played together a LOT so it wasn't as hard as going from an only child to one with a sibling. I feel like 12-14 months is when it starts to get easier because the siblings start to play and it REALLY changes at 18-20 months when the play actually starts to go in both directions.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

FWIW, I remember my child development prof saying 18 mos and 4 yo were "good" developmental times to add another. I think the theory is that at 18mos, the elder child won't really remember being a singleton so the transition is smoother. At 4 yo, the elder kid can articulate their needs and is a bit more self sufficient.

The thing is that 18 months spacing means you get pregnant at 9 months and there is some literature that says if you can space longer (i.e. age/health isn't a huge factor), it's better for maternal/fetal health. But then again, that's worldwide so the effect is probably pretty negligible in the US. I totally get the 4 year old thing though. C was 4 when R was born and was 1) completely obsessed and helpful and 2) seemed to at least theoretically understand that the baby may have had more immediate needs in the short term and could handle waiting sometimes without a massive melt down.

[rufflesanddots]

Yeah, I agree on your point about 18 month spacing. From what I remember from that lecture, it sounded okay for the would-be 18 month old but I remember thinking that being pregnant again 9 months after delivery with a 9 month old sounded really rough.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Word. I do distinctly remembering thinking as D was tantrumming "oh man, it's lucky I'm already pregnant because this is great birth control".


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[Thirteen]

Our kids are 3.5 years apart: granted, I was "younger" (27) when B was born, so my second was born at my 30. If we have another, due to other circumstance, my youngest will probably need to be in kindergarten. 😂 That would put me around 36, so not my ideal but again not terrible.


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[alotofyarn]

We wanted kids 2-4 years apart and didn't know how long it would take to get pregnant after the infertility struggled we had with #1. Around 18 months, E had a relatively pleasant period where she was a lot of fun, and we were like, hey, maybe we could do this again. My friends were getting pregnant again too, so I had it more on the mind from them too. And then 2 weeks later I was pregnant with C, and E turned back into a terror, but it was too late to turn back. 😂 Mine are 27 months apart.

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[OrionGrad]

Kid planning/ spacing

Things I've seen that play into people's decision:
--Age (mostly maternal but sometimes both)
--Desired number of kids (more you want, usually the closer they are)
--Neediness of the kids/challenge of infancy
--Life circumstances (like our move)

I think T&S hit the nail on the head with this. For us it looked like this:

Age: I was 28 when J was born and I knew I wanted to be done having kids by 35.
Desired # of kids: 3
Life circumstances: We tried to plan it out so I wouldn't have a newborn while trying to sell our house or moving for fellowship.

[SoonerTexan]

Much of the same

--I grew up with close siblings and wanted each sibling to have at least one that was close.

--Timing: I had a 3-4 month window to get pregnant with #2 because of interview season and the potential of moving due to the match. So it was then or probably a year later. It also meant my husband could take 2 months off before residency to be with the kids after I went back to work, so it was an ideal time to have a newborn.

--We want more than most and (right now) I'm not horribly keen on being pregnant in my late 30s

--Getting the baby/toddler stage over. It's hard to do it all at once, but it is kind of nice to know one hard stage will be mostly done in a few years. It is very obvious to me that each baby will be easier than the last, even if the total amount of chaos goes up.

As far as spacing, between one and two was 27 months and two and three was 20 months. I definitely preferred 27 months--it was easier on everyone, especially the toddler, but it is nice to have the two boys very close. I got pregnant right now, our youngest would be nearing 3 when the kiddo was born and it would be the biggest space by far. On one hand, it will be nice to only have 1 (extremely) demanding one. On the other, I don't want #4 to be too far spaced out.

Honestly, I don't worry too much about the planning/spacing as I used to. Well sort of--my concern at this point is how pregnant I'm willing to be in the hot summer months/how sick I'm willing to be over fall & Christmas/whether my mother will kill me if I add another holiday baby to the current crop of 7 among her children and grandchildren. Very Important Concerns

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Yes for us, I think we may stop at 3 because we might have stopped anyway AND neither of us wants to move pregnant or with a newborn. And people say that's a bad reason to not have a fourth child but I don't agree. I don't think we need that kind of strain and I don't know if we would enjoy our current children as much in this Texas year if I get pregnant.

Plus, I have a feeling that we may end up homeschooling for a while and I've obviously chosen like the most time consuming possible approach to homeschooling and basically could open my own Montessori school at this point. And that feels really hard with a super needy infant. And if I like it, I can see myself throwing my whole heart into that and not being psyched at being pulled away from school time.


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[Howfunitis]

I agree with the above. It really depends on your situation. For us, I was 28 when my oldest was born and got pregnant with #2 when my oldest was 18 months (not exactly planned) but it actually went better than planned for the most part. I had moved back with my parents during 4th year and gave birth 3 months before moving for residency. (Turned 31) They are 2 years and 3 months apart and now that my youngest is 17 months, we are considering maybe trying for #3. I had very easy babies though and at this stage they are both getting along so well and really loving each other and playing so well. As the oldest my younger sisters are 5,9,11,19 years younger than me and while I just want one more baby, I knew I didn't want my kids more than 3 years apart so, we will see!! It's hard to decide though because we just started PGY2 and Intern Year was so ROUGH.


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[MrsK]

FWIW, I remember my child development prof saying 18 mos and 4 yo were "good" developmental times to add another. I think the theory is that at 18mos, the elder child won't really remember being a singleton so the transition is smoother. At 4 yo, the elder kid can articulate their needs and is a bit more self sufficient.

No idea how that plays out in real life, though. Or how it looks when adding a third, fourth, etc.

Like @OrianGrad said, it's gotta be dependent on personal circumstances and luck. If you and DH are feeling healthy, secure, ready, and really wanting to add another, then that sounds like a good time to me, you know? I have no kids and only one semester of child development, so take that for what it's worth.

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K1 was exactly 18mo when K2 was born. He was 4y1m when Lambie was born. He's been an awesome big brother to both of them and was not at all jealous when they arrived. K2 was 2y7m when Lambie arrived and he still hasn't forgiven me.

However, I will say having the boys 18mo apart was hard on me. They were both so needy and, even at 6 and 7yo now, they are hard to manage together. Just so much activity.

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