My son has driven me over the edge

I can sympathize. While it doesn't sound like we have the issue to the same extent that you do, we do have similar issues. Jacob really, really likes to press me, and I'll admit to not being entirely proud of how I handle it. Sometimes the mommy exorcist voice comes out -- it's not pretty.

What kind of things do you do as punishment?

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

I know this isn't PC, but I TOTALLY get those moms who drive off by themselves in a car and are never heard from again. I could easily do this. . .WTF do I do?

It's OK, it's ok, it's ok. You're completely normal in your exhaustion and frustration. As long as you feel sympathy for the mom who drives off in a car never to return, and not sympathy for the mom who drives her kids off in a car into a lake (think Susan Smith), you're doing OK. I think every mom at one point or another, has these moments where she thinks, "Yeah, I know I am supposed to go pick him up at school, but if I just keep on headin' down the road, what's the worst that could happen?"

Re: your question "WTF do I do?": YOU NEED A BREAK and probably some counseling for strategies on dealing with a child with serious behavior issues. The fact that you are the only person with whom he has these issues does not make them any less problematic (probably more so). He sounds like he acts out in a number of ways (verbally, physically, etc.). You might try reading a book on the issue, to give you a preview of what you may be up against, then seek out a qualified counselor for you and your son.

In the meantime, TAKE A BREAK. Call in your parents or ILs, and physically leave for a little while. Whether it's a short trip out of town with your DH or just shacking up for the weekend at a local hotel, you need some time. I am sure that MANY of us sympathize.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

7 was a particularly tough year with Kate. She is no piece of cake now, but it was a real low point. We were completely dumbfounded- and we did take her to a counselor, but she didn't get much out of it, and we didn't either. He basically said, she's normal... She didn't seem normal at home with her intense anger swings.

Do try to get away. Or perhaps, I don't know if it's even possible at all, your husband could take him away for a night or something. Camping or something like that. Then he could maybe talk to your son about what it means to "be the man of the house" when Dad's not home. (And that means doing what he's told).

These are the disciplining things we did, with minor success.

*We took away everything. Every single toy went into a big plastic bag into the garage. We kept the grounding period short, though (like 2 days).

*We did give big rewards for decent behaviors (I think she was allowed 1 sassy comment, if she immediately apologized). The rewards were really good- like going to the store to buy her a toy.

*We did do some "family meetings" and "family activities" like game nights.

*We laid off on expecting her to have her room all cleaned. We let her room be "her space".

And we did not let her stay with the twins unsupervised. (This was hard, but we just didn't trust her and didn't know if her aggression was aimed at them at all- the twins were about 2 when Kate was 7).


Ultimately, now at age 11, she still has sassy/disrespect issues. But she doesn't have the anger/aggression issues. We keep on her, though. And 1 slammed door brings down immediate consequences. The twins show no signs of aggressive behaviors, and they are at about the age where she started to really show this stuff.

Hang in there and hold out hope that it will get better. Try not to panic or to see really bad antisocial behaviors as a necessary progression. If you can get helpful counseling- go for it.

[spotty_dog]

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

I obviously have no personal experience but I do recall reading in the Secret of Parenting (Anthony Wolf) about how and why children display their worst behavior at home, and what you can do about it. You might find it interesting. (It's subtitled, How to be in charge of today's kids -- from toddlers to preteens -- without threats or punishment.)

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

I've also heard of the "take everything - EVERYTHING - away / out of their room" approach. I've considered it with Jacob, and will do it if I need to. My neighbor did it with her son. Everything but his bed and dresser was OUT of his room. And it helped.

I see it as a very big issue even if it is confined only to you. It's just not okay to be that disrespectful of your mother. And if he's doing it now - the teen years will just get ... worse. I shudder to think of what I'm facing.

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

I'm sorryyou are going through this. I don't have any advice but big headed your way.

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

I simply explain that dd or ds is not being respectful at home but will be allowed to play at such and such a time. I am a fun mom but my kids know that even so much as an eye-roll is not acceptable.

.

This kind of angle works here, too. Jacob does NOT like others to know he's in trouble or why. If he's arguing / lying whatever, I'll call him on it. If we're working up to an event, and that is the priveledge he'll lose, I also remind him that I'll let the others involved know why he's not there. It seems to have more of an effect than just missing something.

You're clearly a great mom, Laura. And you DESERVE the respect. It can't be blown off b/c it's "only" to you.

[mommax3]

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

I think that your husband needs to make it crystal clear that disrespect to you is a no-go. Nothing gets DH madder than when the boys are snotty to me. He *will not* tolerate it, either hearing about it after the fact or being present when it takes place (usually not the case). I know (because I remember) that DH's Dad was the same way about DH and his brothers' behavior towards their mom. DH is a pretty easy-going guy, so when he gets mad, it really straightens the boys out in a hurry. Having him weigh in on this issue of respect is HUGE and makes a tremendous difference.

I agree with taking away privileges and whatever else, as long as it makes an impression. I also know that I will be the lone ranger here, but we spank. Not often, but we do. Usually for outright defiance or hateful behavior. I can't remember the last time I spanked someone, but it has been *one* of the tools that I have had in my parenting arsenal, and one that I expect I am about done using. My oldest son and I have definitely had our show-downs, and as he has gotten older, the thing that has worked best is to send him to his room (where there is nothing entertaining) and then to talk to him about his behavior and have him tell me where he went wrong. He and I are very similar in our emotional make-up, so our talks give me a chance to let him know how I handle certain "triggers" that yank my chain, so that he can apply those coping skills to his own situation. Of course this all takes time, and dinner still has to be made, the other boys need me for one thing or another.....you know the drill. *Definitely* not for the faint of heart. Hang in there.

Sally

[MDPhDWife]

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

:therethere: I can completely relate to what you're going through. I feel like I'm in parenting hell right now, so although I don't have any advice to offer (yet) I can commiserate with you.

Hang in there and let me know if and when you find something that works. I think I've taken just about everything away from DD execept her birthday and haven't seen much change.

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

I think you have some great suggestions. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with him. I agree with what Abigail said re: driving off into the sunset. And I agree with Tara and Jane/Jenn about the respect issue and counseling suggestion. And I agree with Sally about having your DH step in and talk to him about it.

We also take away playdates for similar reasons. Another reason is that some of our friends (not all) act out more than others and when that is an issue, I think it reduces bad influences. They aren't that bad or anything, I just have a much lower tolerance for disrespectful behavior than some. It doesn't sound like it but do you think he is seeing this behavior from any friends?

I hope one or some of those things help!

[houseelf]

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

My issue with the whole thing is I go from "is this just normal behavior" to "is it not?"

I actually think that this is one of the most damn difficult aspects of parenting. Sometimes whatever issue that we're dealing with seems so huge and overwhelming, we just *know* that we are failing our children, when in reality it is NORMAL. And then there are times we blow off some things that really evidence a big picture issue. The only way to clarify this is to step back and breath in some perspective. Hopefully you can get away. I think that even great relationships need breaks, especially when they become tumultous.

Sally's advice impressed me. Sean takes this tack as well. The kids toe the line for him. Although I grumble that he is a hard a** at times, I'm extremely grateful to use the oh-so-antiquated "Wait until you're father hears about this!' (Where did all my femenist theories go? ) Also, we also use spanking as a tool in the parenting arsenal, although my oldest has about aged out of it's utility.

Not that I'm always great at doing this, but figuring out what makes you kid tick (a la Tara's suggestion of publicly stating why her kids' can't play or taking away things) is right on. Still, I don't envy you, power struggles tend to escalate without changing course.

For whatever it is worth, I don't think that there is any stigma at all with family counseling. I would, nay probably will, utilize a counselor if I need some help.

Kelly

[Phoebe]

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

Laura- Sorry you are going through this right now with DH not home enough and no breaks. Are Jake and Avery siblings? I agree with Sally on this one and if I remember correctly, you mentioned your DH setting the boundaries before. I have often asked if certain behavior was "normal" for my oldest. It is hard when you get in a cycle of behavior with one of your kids. How about some QT with dad to get some things straight and have some fun.

Thinking of you...

[Meenah]

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

I'm so sorry. My next door neighbor has a similar problem. She has three children and her middle son has always treated her with absolutely no respect. As he got older it only escalated. He is now 13 and they have been in counseling and it does seem to be helping. I agree with Kelly about the family counseling, I don't think there really is a stigma. The real shame would be not getting the help your son (and family) needs. Big hugs to you.


AND take that break!!

[PrincessFiona]

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

Laura,

I've been thinking about this all afternoon while I did my school pick-ups.

My gut is that because he is behaving appropriately at school that it may be an environmental kind of a thing.... You know him best and so obviously, your gut trumps all of ours. I think if you are really concerned that counseling could be a place to start.

I have had a few mommy times where I have had to completely regroup...step back, pretend like we haven't been having terrible interactions and move forward down a new road.....and I'm going through one of those right now with Zoe, so I feel your pain.

Maybe you can step back and analyze what in his environment might set him off and start working on what you can? (ummm...not blaming, btw...just trying to figure out what his issues might be). It could be that some special time alone with dad might be the ticket? You mentioned that Chris is gone a lot and he may really be missing having the father figure in his life?

It helps me emotionally to cope with times like that by completely throwing our regular schedule out the window and trying to avoid "the rut"...Maybe you can start going to the park after school, send him to kidstop for a day or two.....and give lots of attention for the positive things you can catch him doing while completely turning your back and walking away from him when he starts the negative stuff?

We had some real issues with Andrew's language this summer when he and his buddies were hanging out together a lot. The three boys really were...potty mouths. We had to take away his wii and all playdate rights until he quit swearing....which took a couple of weeks because he really pretended like he didn't care at first....Eventually, he did care and straightened himself out.....

Much love coming your way,

Kris

Re: My son has driven me over the edge

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your son.

There has already been so much good advice written here. We went through something similar with DS when he was much younger. Our ped. saw him acting out and recommended RIP (Regional Intervention Program)...a positive intervention program. I just checked their website and unfortunately the cut-off age is 6, plus their locations are limited.

http://www.ripnetwork.org/index.htm

Maybe your ped. could recommend a behavior mod. program in your area. It really worked wonders, really, really! Not only would your son get help, but you would get support from other parents going through the same thing as well as the professionals who work with kids every day.

Good luck. You are definitely not alone!