My five year old is a jackass

[migirl]

We're not quite there yet so I've got no advice, but I just wanted to say that I love the title of this thread.

Hang in there, Jenn. I hope you get your sweet little boy back soon!!

[ladymoreta]

No advice - I haven't been there - but lots of
I hope he outgrows it soon, and I'm sure you're doing a great job!

Hi Jenn,
Sorry to be the dissenting opinion here, but I think more spankings will serve him better. NEVER spank out of anger. NEVER out of frustration, but out of love and out of concern for his well being. Always explain consequences before hand... "I understand you are frustrated, but it is NOT okay to talk to mommy that way. If you talk to me like that again, you will get two reminders." (We call them reminders at our house). If he breaks the rule, bring him into a different room and cool down and talk about it first. And then discuss WHY he's getting the spanking. "What did mommy say would happen if you talked to me like that?" "I would get two reminders." "Okay."

And then ALWAYS follow through. Consistency is the key. Do it, then reinforce that you love him. Even if you choose not to spank and do time outs instead, just be consistent. You can't say he'll be punished for something then waver. He's pushing boundaries because he wants to know that there ARE boundaries. I know it is frustrating but you can't give up and let him call the shots because you are tired.

That being said, I KNOW that you're tired and probably the sole disciplinarian because of your husband's schedule. It's hard, but it's worth it. You're stronger than you know.

This is the only thing that worked with Kate. You have to always have a punishment on deck though b/c you need to address the issue immediately for it to have any impact. The kids have TV time in the evenings and more than once when I was sassed/she put herself in danger (running into the street when a car was coming because she was pissed) I just said, "no TV time tonight because you XYZ" and that was that.

Yes, the "being Amish" solution is what had the most effect in our house, but I think Nikolai already is a low-TV (if any) kind of kid.

[peggyfromwastate]

When I send my little angel to time out, I don't care where he goes, I just want him out of my face... He gets bored by himself, because he likes to antagonize everyone so much and when alone there's no one to antagonize...

I've also had some success with having him put on PJs when he does the whole meltdown sass routine at the dinner table-- I have him put on his PJs and go to bed. I don't care if it's 6 pm. If he won't stay in his room, reverse the door knob and lock him in from the outside...



Jenn, you'll make it through this!!

Ashley, come by the Introduction forum and tell us a little bit more about yourself.

[Meenah]

I only have hugs for you. I have obviously been there and done that and I suggest a nicely chilled bottle of Pinot Grigio. What works one week may not work the next, I always found it to be a work in progress. I know with your background you could write a book on human behavior, so I'll just send hugs. I love the title too!!!!

[moonlight]

Jenn, I hope you find a solution and quick. I have no experience really… or good advice, just sympathy. Last summer I watched my nieces ages 8 and 4. Normally they are exceptionally great kids, but one day they decided to act like total lunatics in the back seat during a 35 minutes car ride. It was driving me NUTS. I just wanted them quiet. I found myself telling them if they didn’t quiet down they were going to get “spankins instead of supper.” They got really quiet (probably because I’ve never laid a hand on those little angles) and then I couldn’t help but burst into laughter at how ridicules I just sounded.

It sounds like you are past the point of humor with you little boy. Hope things settle down quickly!

[Amiens]

I feel for you. I don't know what I will say will help, but it has worked for us.

So we might be on the fringe of parenting and use a method called Love and Logic. Logical consequences. For example- dinner. Our kids have learned that when we say it's time to eat dinner, it's time to eat dinner. When the majority have finished eating, dinner time is over. If you haven't finished eating because you chose to play around tough luck, you'll eat a lot for breakfast the next morning.

Now there are things that are absolutes in our house that they can kick, scream, whatever, but they will be done- mainly life or death safety issues- buckling up, not running out into the street, and the like.

With my 2 yr old who loves to run around naked I will tell her "Little girls who run around naked can't go outside and play." To which I then take Reed and go outside. She quickly gathers her clothes and asks for help to put them on.

For my 6 and 7 yr old it's been about trust and listening. When we were at the Texas Fair I told them that if they ran off, then I wouldn't be able to trust them and we would have to stop doing fun things like this, and we would have to stop going to the park as well. We didn't have a problem with them. Our recent discussion has been about listening and doing what mom asks. I explained to them that if they couldn't do their chores- put dirty clothes in the hamper, hang up clean clothes, make their bed, then they wouldn't have any clothes to wear and their room would be a mess, thus creating more work for mom and less time for us to do fun things.

I hope he gets through this phase. I know it has to be tough. (Big Hugs)

[DCJenn]

Well, $100 at Office Max and we'll see if a reward chart will work. It probably won't but at least I can say I tried it. (never worked for my clients, either)

Rick and I went out for lunch to have uninterupted time to hash through what the team approach to this will be (what? who is this man in front of me? an involved parent?)

I think last night was bad enough to scare ALL of us into finding a better way. Three people having tantrums is no fun.

So far I've tried all of the aforementioned things- we do the "if you don't eat your dinner, then you don't eat", the sending him to bed at whatever time, the timeouts (like Michelle says, they're really only effective if they MEAN something), we've taken away toys, etc.

He doesn't watch TV and is only allowed computer games a few times for limited amounts of time. I mean all that's left is books and I'm certainly not going to take away books!

Spanking does not work with him. Period. With his institutionalized infancy, I do not want to resort to scare tactics or anything that will impact his trust of us. And those few occasions where we have spanked, it just escalates his anger and frustration. The hugging technique from his toddlerhood may have to get dusted back off. (The methods to combact reactive attachment disorder which he DOES NOT have but they're good techniques)

Thanks- it's good to know that none of you been broken! I hope the stickers work!

Jenn

[Thirteen]

Well, $100 at Office Max and we'll see if a reward chart will work. It probably won't but at least I can say I tried it. (never worked for my clients, either)

Rick and I went out for lunch to have uninterupted time to hash through what the team approach to this will be (what? who is this man in front of me? an involved parent?)

I think last night was bad enough to scare ALL of us into finding a better way. Three people having tantrums is no fun.

So far I've tried all of the aforementioned things- we do the "if you don't eat your dinner, then you don't eat", the sending him to bed at whatever time, the timeouts (like Michelle says, they're really only effective if they MEAN something), we've taken away toys, etc.

He doesn't watch TV and is only allowed computer games a few times for limited amounts of time. I mean all that's left is books and I'm certainly not going to take away books!

Spanking does not work with him. Period. With his institutionalized infancy, I do not want to resort to scare tactics or anything that will impact his trust of us. And those few occasions where we have spanked, it just escalates his anger and frustration. The hugging technique from his toddlerhood may have to get dusted back off. (The methods to combact reactive attachment disorder which he DOES NOT have but they're good techniques)

Thanks- it's good to know that none of you been broken! I hope the stickers work!

Jenn

I know you said you weren't going to take away books, but my Mom did this with me and it was VERY effective. Just saying...

This all scares me. This is what my older one is going to be like - but she is not even 3 yet. She knows how to talk back. For example, Please clean up your toys. Her response NO YOU DO IT! My response is then to put them outside in the front yard and she will walk around grunting and making noises and just being such a brat. Every day it's a struggle not to lose it and just yell and yell.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

This all scares me. This is what my older one is going to be like - but she is not even 3 yet. She knows how to talk back. For example, Please clean up your toys. Her response NO YOU DO IT! My response is then to put them outside in the front yard and she will walk around grunting and making noises and just being such a brat. Every day it's a struggle not to lose it and just yell and yell.

You're not the only one who's scared - any major behavior issues are dealt with by ignoring or crating...the dogs Can't crate the 5 year-old...

[rainbabies]

Hi Jenn,
Sorry to be the dissenting opinion here, but I think more spankings will serve him better. NEVER spank out of anger. NEVER out of frustration, but out of love and out of concern for his well being. Always explain consequences before hand... "I understand you are frustrated, but it is NOT okay to talk to mommy that way. If you talk to me like that again, you will get two reminders." (We call them reminders at our house). If he breaks the rule, bring him into a different room and cool down and talk about it first. And then discuss WHY he's getting the spanking. "What did mommy say would happen if you talked to me like that?" "I would get two reminders." "Okay."

And then ALWAYS follow through. Consistency is the key. Do it, then reinforce that you love him. Even if you choose not to spank and do time outs instead, just be consistent. You can't say he'll be punished for something then waver. He's pushing boundaries because he wants to know that there ARE boundaries. I know it is frustrating but you can't give up and let him call the shots because you are tired.

That being said, I KNOW that you're tired and probably the sole disciplinarian because of your husband's schedule. It's hard, but it's worth it. You're stronger than you know.

Um...yeah...anyways...jenn. Maybe N and J could go to military school together.

feel ya...hear ya.

[Deebs]

Jenn,
We're not there yet, but my almost-four year old did start, shall we say asserting her independence, about six months ago. There are different things I use for different times, but one of the things that I noticed the most difference with I learned from DH's aunt, who is a family educator/psychologist. She calls it the three minute miracle. We do this at bed time, but you really could do it any set time of day.

You pull the child aside (or sit down with him/her before bed, etc) when things are going well. You then give him/her concrete examples of things they did that day that you admire or love about him/her. There are days that the nicest thing I could say to DD was something like "I really liked that you got yourself out of bed this morning" because nothing else that day seemed to go well. There are other days that there is a whole list of great things. DD is definitely someone who gets/feels love through words, though, so this may be why it worked so well. She also really likes to be with others, so when I'm really looking to punish her, one of the worst things I can do to her is to separate her from everyone else. I totally think punishment works best when it responds to the child's personality. If TV isn't important to him, taking it away isn't going to do anything.

I so feel your pain. I've definitely had the days where you just want to reach out and shake them! (for any mandatory reporters out there - I haven't though)! Good luck.