Bullying

[Deebs]

But Peggy, I do really appreciate your reassurance. I work so hard as a mom, and it makes me crazy that I won't really know if I made the right decisions for 30 or so years.

[Phoebe]

Afterschool playdates have helped my oldest daughter who is shy and uncomfortable making the first move with friendships. I think your role playing and telling her to give compliments will go a long way. I had to bribe/reward my daughter last year to say things to classmates because she thought no one liked her. After a few times she realized she actually had friends. I am happy your daughter has a happier outlook after today. It is hard to see our children struggle.

[Deebs]

I'm so pissed. The school has been doing an awesome job. DD's teacher "checks in" with the kids after every special, recess, lunch, and has also had the girls meet with the social worker for a fun "lunch bunch." I have been working on my end to get DD more involved and find a niche. She's taking horse-back riding lessons, a fitness/girl empowerment class, and a cooking class and seems so happy. Today, DD was working next to this girl, and she leaned over and started whispering nasty things to her again. Immediately when I picked DD up, I knew. She snapped at me and her brother, just totally out of character. I basically told her she can't talk to people like that and she was going to lose 1/2 hour of her bedtime. Then, I basically put a smile on my face and asked how her day was and what happened at school (just conversationally). She burst into tears. I don't know how I'm going to survive being a mom- my heart is totally broken. I asked if she talked to her teacher and she said, "no mom. It was some other kids' turn to work with her. We have to share her, you know." in a way that was just totally sweet. On the one hand, I want to toughen her up, but on the other, I'm not sure that she's not tough. This girl she's dealing with is just nasty, nasty, nasty. I've always felt a little sorry for child bullies, but I can't even find that in me right now. UGHHH!

We talked a little when she got home and I asked her if she wanted me to talk to her teacher or if she wanted to handle it. She said she would, and then just put a smile on her own face and has been such a good girl since. She has been "taking care" of her little brother and sister almost since we got home, shooing me away when I walk from the kitchen into the sunroom. I just want to know that I'm doing the right thing and make sure her spirit isn't broken over this.

[Pollyanna]

I don't want to be a huge wet blanket and negative nellie on this but mean girls will continue to be mean girls no matter how awesome the school/teacher is. We found that "lunch bunch" silliness just created more drama. While it seems nice in theory I have never seen it truly work in practice. I would tell the teacher and the principal and then make it clear that you do not want your daughter in class with that girl again. The very best thing the school can do is separate the little brats next year, they will be sh*ts on the playground but at least in the classroom they will be weakened a bit. You have a sweet and kind daughter who just happens to be a perfect target for those girls and when they get older they will learn how to use the social worker to make things your daughters fault. I would just encourage her to stay away, ignore, and stand up for herself as much as she can at her age.

I'm so very sorry, I have totally btdt on more than one occasion. Give your sweet girl an extra big hug from me and I'm sending one to you to.

[HouseofWool]

I'm so pissed. The school has been doing an awesome job. DD's teacher "checks in" with the kids after every special, recess, lunch, and has also had the girls meet with the social worker for a fun "lunch bunch." I have been working on my end to get DD more involved and find a niche. She's taking horse-back riding lessons, a fitness/girl empowerment class, and a cooking class and seems so happy. Today, DD was working next to this girl, and she leaned over and started whispering nasty things to her again. Immediately when I picked DD up, I knew. She snapped at me and her brother, just totally out of character. I basically told her she can't talk to people like that and she was going to lose 1/2 hour of her bedtime. Then, I basically put a smile on my face and asked how her day was and what happened at school (just conversationally). She burst into tears. I don't know how I'm going to survive being a mom- my heart is totally broken. I asked if she talked to her teacher and she said, "no mom. It was some other kids' turn to work with her. We have to share her, you know." in a way that was just totally sweet. On the one hand, I want to toughen her up, but on the other, I'm not sure that she's not tough. This girl she's dealing with is just nasty, nasty, nasty. I've always felt a little sorry for child bullies, but I can't even find that in me right now. UGHHH!

We talked a little when she got home and I asked her if she wanted me to talk to her teacher or if she wanted to handle it. She said she would, and then just put a smile on her own face and has been such a good girl since. She has been "taking care" of her little brother and sister almost since we got home, shooing me away when I walk from the kitchen into the sunroom. I just want to know that I'm doing the right thing and make sure her spirit isn't broken over this.

I would still talk to the teacher. She needs to know that the little snot is up to her antics again. And honestly, I would suggest a joint meeting with school administration and the teacher (giving the teacher a heads up though so it doesn't seem like you are ambushing her). Bullies need to be identified early because they will continue to terrorize their classmates unless grown up intervene.

I am sending you a pm with my phone number. There is more I would like to share, but it is way to complicate to do in writing.

[alison]

I'm so sorry. She must have been so stressed out to lash out at you guys when the school day was over.

[houseelf]

Just huge hugs. Parenthood is so not for sissies. Seriously, this crap wears a girl down. Here's hoping little Deebs manages to have a fabulous year in spite of the fledgling mean girl.

[Thirteen]

Those mean girl bullies become mean girl women and mean girl moms. If you can prevent JUST ONE from adding to the numbers, I would gladly hug you.
Talk again to the teacher, schedule a joint meeting with admin and school counselor, and continue to be your ever-vigilant self.

[peggyfromwastate]

[QUOTE=Deebs;576I'II've always felt a little sorry for child bullies, but I can't even find that in me right now. UGHHH!
[/QUOTE]

Yeah... I've btdt. I stopped feeling sorry for the mean girls when my dd was hurt by them.

I agree with Tara- do all you can to keep your dd in a different class from the mean girl, and this year the teacher should be able to move her away so they aren't sitting together or in the same work groups. Really stand firm on that. It's up to the school to work with the parents of this girl to try to make her less of a mean girl... But most likely she's been learning it from home...

[Phoebe]

I would talk to the teacher again, but give your daughter the chance to handle it like she wants. It will empower her. I agree with Tara and Peggy. Mean girls will persist throughout the school years. Request the brat and your daughter aren't in the same class next year for sure! Big Hugs!

[houseelf]

Mean girls will persist throughout the school years.

Umm...I think she meant to say that mean girls persist throughout life. I may just be a tad jaded, however. LOL.

[HouseofWool]

I would talk to the teacher again, but give your daughter the chance to handle it like she wants. It will empower her.

I'm not sure I agree with this. Personally, I feel that at age 6, it is my job to fiercely stand up for my child if they are being singled out by a bully. I don't mean the typical stuff at this age of yesterday we were best friends, but today I don't want to be your friend. I mean the truly insidious bullying that will trample my child's spirit. At six, they simply don't have the social skills to navigate the conflict resolution.

Some of it probably has to do with the child's personality; knowing my son, he would be crushed if I didn't stand up for him. My daughter? Not only would she not care what the bully said, but she would rat the kid out in a heartbeat.

[Deebs]

First, I have to say how awesome you all are. DH's response is basically that he wants to go find the little girl's dad and beat him up. He's just angry and protective of his little girl. Beyond that, he doesn't really want to talk about it. I talked to Kris last night (thank you) and it really encouraged me to do what I know I need to do.

Last night, I sent DD's teacher an email, but let her know that DD wanted to talk to her and that I was interested to see what happened. This morning before she left, we talked about having rough days and the difference between not doing well in gym and being disappointed vs. someone putting you down and saying nasty things. She told me that she was going to talk to her teacher first thing. I offered again to call her teacher and she said that she wanted to talk to her teacher first, but would let me know how it went and if I needed to call to. I heard back from her teacher, and this is what happened at school...
DD approached her teacher this morning and told her what happened. Her teacher told her that, even if she had told the whole class not to interrupt, DD can because they have a special deal. DD liked this idea. Then, she told DD she had a couple of ideas, but she first wanted to know if DD had an idea of what might help. DD asked to be moved as far from the other girl as possible within the classroom. The teacher agreed to this, and told DD she would check in with her after recess and lunch to see how those went. The teacher also talked to the other girl again, who completely admitted to what had been said. So, apparently she's sneaky but then rats herself out quickly.

DD's teacher is also speaking to the principal today. She is going to have a note placed in both girls' files detailing what is going on and that they absolutely cannot be placed in the same class next year.

For now, I'm satisfied that this is being handled well. I am going to call the principal later today and speak with her just to make sure everyone's on the same page.

While I was typing this, I got an update email from DD's teacher that she seems very happy this morning at her new table and is excited to go to gym so she can try to score a basket.

[Pollyanna]

Yay for your dd! That is so empowering for her to go and talk to the teacher on her own. I think the school is doing the best it can at this point and am so glad she has such a responsive teacher. Thanks for the update!

[HouseofWool]

I am so proud of her for doing the right thing. It sounds like you have coached her very will on how to be appropriately assertive and that the teacher is on top of things!