Resources for Parenting Kids who are VERY Impulsive????

[Deebs]

DH and I came to terms with the fact, before we even had kids, that our children would have a very high likelihood of having ADHD. While all of my children display signs/symptoms of ADHD, my son is definitely the most obvious. He isn't diagnosed, but I also told my pediatrician at our last appointment that I wan't ready to go down that road yet because I know what's going on, but DH and I don't plan to medicate our kids at such a young age. Many people don't seem to notice because he is incredibly bright, and I think they notice that in place of his incredibly impulsive, distracted behavior. Since Disney, I have noticed way, way more impulsiveness in him. I had two people ask me this week how I dealt so well with a child who obviously has ADD - that's how apparent it's become. I'm running out of tools and techniques in my repertoire and feel like I am constantly telling him no, being negative toward him, and redirecting almost all of his behavior. Frankly, it's completely exhausting.

Does anyone have a great book, website, or other resource to give me ideas on discipline, coaching, and coping with him? I'll be calling the pediatrician later today to get an appointment and see what his thoughts might be.

[v-girl]

I'll be watching this for suggestions.

[HouseofWool]

How old is he? I know that they often don't want to medicate before late elementary school. However, once his behavior becomes a distraction in the classroom and it negatively affects those around him...

I know that this is an issue that I have dealt with as well in my 9yo son, for a different condition where meds are generally not recommended for kids his age, but he was becoming crippled by his sx and frankly so was I. Once he was properly dosed it was as if the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders, the change in behavior was so dramatic.

[Deebs]

He's FOUR. Some of his behavior is age appropriate for a four year old boy, but definitely not all of it. I notice it most when we are with other children his age - he stands out at this point, if you're paying attention. DH and I have agreed that if it becomes an impairment in school, that is when we'll look at medicating. He actually does fine in school, but he is impulsive there as well, and his child-teacher ratio is 3-1 (which is why I chose his school). That's the same as my mommy-child ratio, but I can't monitor him at all times as closely as they do at school. When I'm not doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, or helping one of the other kids, his behavior is much better. It's just not realistic, and I have to help him learn some self-monitoring behavior.

[HouseofWool]

Whoops, I hadn't realized he was quite that young. I would agree, that medication at that age is not where I would want to go either... And really, he is too young for any of the self-directed bio-feedback kind of things that you might be able to try if he were a bit older.

I have no idea what I would do for a kiddo that young.

[MrsK]

Wow, that sounds like K1 also. He's too young to be diagnosed ADHD but we've been told that he is "definitely a standard deviation from the norm" as opposed to being several standard deviations which would likely be autism spectrum or something developmental. I've found that having a highly structured environment at home and at school helps. (It exhausts me but it helps.). Some techniques I've used is to keep a schedule with times approximate but the order of events don't change, for instance, it's ALWAYS dinner-bath-books-bed in that order although dinner may be out or we can run late. Our typical day schedule is something like this:

wake-potty-dress
breakfast-clean up-potty
Super Why/Sesame Street-potty-get ready to go out
activity outside the house/library/class/school
home-remove shoes-potty-snack
quiet play/chores/games with mommy
potty-lunch-clean-up
potty-books-naptime
potty-snack
potty-outside play/activity outside house/errands
home-remove shoes-potty-movie time
quiet toys
dinner-bath-books-bed

And every day is Groundhog Day.

[MrsK]

Sorry, drive-by posting while kid-wrangling. I keep reward charts. Pick 3-5 behaviours that are really hard for him. Ours are potty, playing gently, good listening, putting toys away, and sharing. When he earns 15 happy faces, he gets a reward. Ours is extra stories at bedtime. The reward chart helps us remember to recognize good behaviour and it helps me to be able to look at the chart and see that he's actually earned quite a few happy faces and hasn't been all bad that day.

We use timers a lot to provide structure. For instance, getting him to the table for meals is rough. So I set the microwave timer for 1 minute and tell him that he will be dismissed from the kitchen if he isn't seated and ready when the timer goes off. Then I don't have to nag and I feel less stressed. Also, I'm not the bad guy if the timer has gone off and he is not compliant. We use this technique for other things like when we have to leave the house at a specified time or he's dawdling. It keeps him focused on the task at hand and makes consequences definite. When we are out, I may do something like sing the ABCs in lieu of the timer. If he's not in the carseat by the time I'm done with the song, I'm strapping him in myself. It's better than counting because it's finite and doesn't build tension. He knows when the song will end and the pace is predictable.

(More later)

[Thirteen]

If he isn't into rewards/charts, then maybe something that works on self-discipline and allows for rapid movement, like a martial art?

At 4, he isn't too young to start. I would look at something like judo, or maybe karate.

Just a thought.


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[moonlight]

Just wanted to send you some mommy hugs. My BFF growing up was just as you described your son. Once we were in our twenty's my friend told me that a doctor had once suggested to her mother that she take away toys when she misbehaved. Susan asked the doctor what to do when all the toys were gone, because it would happen. He said to then take away her bed frame! Obviously she wasn't going to do that, but I can see how finding a answer would lead to really creative solutions. I hope you start to find some very soon.

BTW, Why did you think all of your kids would have ADHD?

[MrsK]

Ok, he's finally napping!

Other things that work. . .

Redirecting. Try to give him something else to do rather than just telling him to stop doing what he is doing. For instance, "Play gently with the cars" instead of "Stop throwing the cars!" Or just engaging him in another activity all together, "K1, please bring me the book about the choo-choo train."

Designate a "quiet spot" in your home that is seperate from the time out spot. A rocking chair, bean bag, tent/fort and suggest that he go to his quiet spot when it seems that he's over stimulated.

Quiet toys/busy bags. I have several dozen of these now. They are small toys/games/activities that he must sit at the table to do. Usually fine motor things like puzzles, lacing cards, play-doh. Some sorting activities. A lot of homeschool montessori type activities. We call them quiet toys and they only come out at quiet time. He has to sit at the kitchen table to play with them and I rotate activities. Some days are really bad and sorting chips will become projectiles. Those days I'm more likely to give him a sheet of stickers to peel and put on a grid or cotton balls to blow around with straws. Quiet time is usually when mommy is busy making dinner or when he just is so out of control that I need a way to force him to sit still. Most times, just 10-15 minutes of focused quiet play is sort of like a reset button.

There is a book that I recommend. It's called "Ants in Their Pants: Teaching Kids that Must Move to Learn." K1 actually found it in the teacher resources section of the library and told me that I *had* to get it. How did he know? Like all parenting books, I'd take it with a grain of salt. Use or adapt what works for your kid and ignore the rest.

Ummmm..... I know there is more that I do. I'll think of more later. In the meanwhile, the most important thing is to stop comparing him to other children. It's hard to do. I have a lot of episodes of "why is MY kid the only one that throws books at the library" or anxiety about the other moms judging me when I'm the only one who has to drag a kicking and screaming toddler out of playgroup. DrK points out to me that the moms and kids at the library are a self-selecting; most parents of "super-busy" kids don't attempt story time. Eventually K1 will be able to sit still at storytime (and, lately, he does more often than not) but it's a matter of routine, modeling, training, and diligence. I've also met some other education-minded moms that are very supportive. Although their kids are not the ones throwing books, they understand K1's nature and they know what I'm trying to do. I avoid judgy moms.

Also, knowing that his baseline is active/impulsive/destructive helps me keep my cool when he goes off the rails. For instance, I know that going on vacation/grandparents' visits/illnesses (a trip to Disney) will distrupt his routine and he will revert to his baseline behaviours. So, I can brace myself for it and work toward getting him back on track.

[Deebs]

These tips are great - keep em coming (and thanks for the Mama love).
As I'm reading this, there are things I was doing that I think I have kind of let slip and need to add back into my routine (especially timers and routines). I'm just tired, I guess.

The reason we kind of assumed our kids would have ADD - DH has is, very severely although he wasn't diagnosed until he couldn't sit through the MCAT. He was, however, sent to military school at age 11 because he "just couldn't behave" and thrived in a structured environment. If you have a conversation with him for 5 minutes and know anything about ADD, you'd know he has it.
In my family, I think we figured out something like 75% of my dad's family, and 25% of my mom's has ADD in some form.

Before we had DD #1, we had a fairly extensive genetics consultation because DH is adopted and we have no medical history for him. When we brought this all up, he kind of winked and said something like "well, we don't know for sure the exact role genetics plays in ADHD but yeah, chances are you'll have kids with it."

I have a lot of systems already in place because they really help DH and kids in general do well with organization, routines, etc, so even if they didn't have ADD, it wouldn't hurt. The tools from "1,2,3 Magic" have always worked well for DS, but I feel like I need more in my arsenal. He's just becoming more challenging. After I made my initial post, I got my report for him from school for the week. He always gets a really glowing report. This week, there were a lot of areas that needed improvement, including impulse control. His teacher said she could definitely tell DH was out of town and that DS was just not his usual self.

I'm off to make myself some printouts of our daily routines to post. It'll be a good reminder for me and the kids.

[MrsK]

What is 1, 2, 3, Magic?

The timers/routines/rewards thing is tedious but it makes such a huge difference. Every now and then, I really want to just play on pinterest all day but then it's too much unstructured/self-directed time for K1 and I always regret it.

I've had K1 seen by behavioural psychologists, we've talked to the child psychiatrists that DrK works with, and a long time ago I worked as a play therapist. We are always looking for more things to put in our toolbox. It's frustrating when they say we are doing everything right and the kid is still wild. It's a long process and the kids will take 2 steps forward/1 step back. Learning discipline/impulse control is not a linear process. It's more about establishing routines and habits.

Be sure to take some breaks to recharge your batteries too so you don't burn out.

[Phoebe]

Books- Edward Hallowell for adult and children with ADHD www.drhallowell.com,
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
website and cds to listen to www.celebratecalm.com Kirk Martin I've been to a couple of his workshops and he really explains kid's behavior really well.

Mrs. K really gave great suggestions. The structure and schedule are huge for my kids. Both of my girls are very impulsive and hyper. We have to set clear boundaries with concrete consequences. The consequences need to atimely, ge-appropriate and fit the crime. For my daughter who might do something like spit water all over my mirror when getting out of the shower, she gets to clean all the mirrors in the house. If she can't keep the water in the bathtub during baths, then her bath privledge is removed and she has to clean up the water. My kids are more impulsive when they are bored.

We've done reward charts in the past. My daughters get bored with them quickly so we have to keep them rotating. I also try to positively reinforce my kids whenever I can. I don't always remember. One psychologist told me to make a couple frames looked crooked so when I looked at them, I would be reminded to praise my kids. I'll try to think of some more resources.

[Deebs]

1, 2, 3 Magic is a book on discipline that was recommended to me for strong willed children by a developmental pediatrician we saw at Mayo, but that others in my family have used with great success for their kids who have ADD. It is helpful with my girls, but typically works phenomenally well with DS. It gives him a warning and chance to modify his behavior. The goal of the book is to develop behavior modification, rather than punishment.
http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Ef...ords=123+magic

Thank you for the book rec - I ordered it today. The geek in me feels comforted by the more I can read on a subject. I am also constantly looking for things/ideas/tools to add to my toolbox. I think coming off a trip, and then having DH gone for over a week has just been too much for all of us. DS always gets glowing reports from school at the end of the week. This week, several areas needed improvement, mostly coming back to impulse control, and his teacher noted that he had a very difficult week. I know that in the scheme of things this is so minor compared to what others deal with, but it takes so much energy! I just plopped down all three kids in front of the TV and had myself a good cry for a minute. I'm just frustrated and need a break (and don't worry - I also feel guilty for having the TV babysit my kids, even though I know that it's what I need for a minute right now). I want to potty train DD #2 starting this weekend, but DS is so all-consuming right now that I don't feel I can take the time and attention she's going to need away from him.

I so appreciate all the suggestions. Please keep them coming if you think of more. Thank you.

[MrsK]

Divide and conquer is a strategy I use too. I send K2 to day care and keep K1 at home or vice versa. If DrK is around, I'll ask him to take one out somewhere. That way they each get some of my undivided attention and I am less frazzled. Sometimes, having a "date" with K1 makes a huge difference and having dates scheduled with K2 protects him from getting lost in the shuffle.