consequences?

[Ladybug]

I've went to visit a child psychologist regarding my strong-willed DD. We clash all.the.time. The psych had a great suggestion that I've had a hard time following through on just due to time an life constraints. She pointed out that when you are a child you are never in control. You are constantly under authority and kids lash out and seek to exert some control in their lives in these other ways (food, fights, interruptions, defiance). She suggested that I spend 15 minutes per day playing with DD and let her dictate everything. Be in charge for 15 minutes a day. She decides what to do, who does what, etc. In theory it's a good idea, but it's hard for me to breakaway without it turning into another argument. I should try again though. It's been a while.

Another person pointed out that she's very strong willed and concerned with justice. She's sooooooooo concerned with justice. Right now, in her ego-centric world, it's her own justice that occupies her. It will mature into a beneificial leadership at some point. That's the hope I'm holding onto anyways

[HouseofWool]

I've went to visit a child psychologist regarding my strong-willed DD. We clash all.the.time. The psych had a great suggestion that I've had a hard time following through on just due to time an life constraints. She pointed out that when you are a child you are never in control. You are constantly under authority and kids lash out and seek to exert some control in their lives in these other ways (food, fights, interruptions, defiance). She suggested that I spend 15 minutes per day playing with DD and let her dictate everything. Be in charge for 15 minutes a day. She decides what to do, who does what, etc. In theory it's a good idea, but it's hard for me to breakaway without it turning into another argument. I should try again though. It's been a while.

Another person pointed out that she's very strong willed and concerned with justice. She's sooooooooo concerned with justice. Right now, in her ego-centric world, it's her own justice that occupies her. It will mature into a beneificial leadership at some point. That's the hope I'm holding onto anyways

It makes a lot of sense. I try really hard to give her options to chose from so that she gets some say in things. The kids are frequently involved with menu planning and some meal prep for the 11 year old (I'm not strong enough to bring the 5 year old into the kitchen too because it is pretty small).

The bigger issue is that the ex doesn't have the same rules and doesn't think that the kids need consistent bedtimes, never mind that it causes havoc when then return home and have to get up early.

[Sheherezade]

Could you attach the rules to your kitchen? We used to have a sign we made up that had the "rules of this kitchen". It included things like what people were allowed to get from the cabinets, safety things like not touching the stove, etc. Our rule was that you could always make yourself a pbj sandwich or heat up leftovers in the microwave but you had to at least try something before saying you hated it. And you had to join the family for dinner even if your choice of food was different. This worked well for the school aged kids.

I just wondered if that might help with the dad's rules vs. mom's rules issues and also let her have some control if she helps make the rules with you.


Angie

[HouseofWool]

OMFG - does any one know of a boarding school that takes 5 year olds? Kidding. Kinda.

The kids spent last night with their dad and had requested to stay another night. Normally, I would say yes, but we have company coming for dinner, so I ended up talking to them on the phone.

This was the conversation:

DD: Can we have pizza for supper?

Me: No, we are grilling brats.

DD: Oh good, because otherwise I would throw a tantrum again.


REALLY? She was already planning the next battle. To me this says that the issue is only marginally about food and more about control.

[mommax3]

I agree. She wants to call the shots, and food is just a convenient arena for the fight. Be strong!