Are you guys holding out?

[PrincessFiona]

Sigh... I have 3 teens. Someone needs to hold a prayer vigil for me.

[PrincessFiona]

Btw ... I'm with peggy now on the need for private parenting forums for parents of tween/teens.

[HouseofWool]

Sigh... I have 3 teens. Someone needs to hold a prayer vigil for me.

Kris, you are always welcome to come run away to my house... Just sayin'.

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[PrincessFiona]

I'm going to pick a day! I'm serious!

[diggitydot]

Kris, you are always welcome to come run away to my house... Just sayin'.

Same here!

[HouseofWool]

I'm going to pick a day! I'm serious!

Please do.

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[Pollyanna]

I think everyone loses it with their children, it's part of the parenting gig. But the hard work is so worth it in the end. Much like the hardest professor that you ever had in college that pushed you to the brink, in the end that becomes your favorite class and professor . I have often talked about the fact that all of our children get a "10 year old talk" and "12 year old talk". These are never planned but are the ages when the children are changing and testing boundaries and need a bit of a "come to Jesus" chat with mom and dad. Then there are "booster" talks to refer back to the topics covered. I find that parents that let their kids get away with the disrespect or other ill behaviors that happen at these ages have much larger problems when their kiddos hit high school. At the same time I think parents forget how very very hard the middle (and to a lesser extent) and high school years are. Kids are stressed beyond measure and don't need to be nitpicked for every little thing. We focus on the two biggies, safety and morality. We expect their decisions to follow the guidelines we have taught them about those two huge areas. I don't worry (too much) about a messy room, clothes they want to wear, etc. I see soooo many parents nit picking their children to death (especially when moms take their daughters shopping, "for the love of God, let her wear what she wants to wear and feels good about herself in, she doesn't want to be a mini you!") so when the big issues come up the kids have completely tuned out mom and dad.
Kids still need far more deposits than withdrawals in their love and support account from mom and dad because their day to day at school has so many withdrawals. We have at many times been OD and had to fall back and regroup as parents but while it is hard and exhausting this is not a time to fear because the rewards you will reap from hanging in there and being engaged every day are so worth it.

[houseelf]

Btw ... I'm with peggy now on the need for private parenting forums for parents of tween/teens.

+1

but while it is hard and exhausting this is not a time to fear because the rewards you will reap from hanging in there and being engaged every day are so worth it.

ITA. The trick of it, however, is keeping yourself in a mentally healthy place. I knew it would be challenging, but holy moly!

I adore my son. He is such a great kid and for the most part, I thoroughly enjoy his company. Truly, he is mostly fabulous.

Nonetheless, I will tell you that he is going to an all boy leadership summer camp next summer for a significant portion of the summer. He needs mentoring and structure at this pivotal point in his development. Providing him the level that he needs within the confines of our family is too much during a ten week period. I now understand why some cultures have rights of passages, male mentoring, and various times away from the nuclear family. This raising a child thing really is bigger than one or two adults. If you told me that I would consider sending my son to an extended summer camp even a year ago, I would have laughed in your face. Now I understand. This summer was difficult to manage the needs of three distinct age groups. I can do better. Those of you with younger children or even those who haven't experienced this, judge away.

The good thing is that there are two of us to raise these kids through adolescence. My hubby is great with the law and order and I'm fabulous with the heart to hearts.

What has been really eye opening is that the parent can do everything right and bad stuff can still happen. I like order, control, predictability. Hold me.

[ladymoreta]

This summer was difficult to manage the needs of three distinct age groups. I can do better. Those of you with younger children or even those who haven't experienced this, judge away.

No judgement here! I went to a long summer camp just before my junior year, then my junior and senior years were at a residential high school. It was the perfect time for me developmentally to make the split from my parents. I know some kids aren't ready for that, but I functioned much better on my own starting around 16 years old.

...Okay, I'll go back to my toddler area!

[birdhouse]

Question about the Tweens...do they really realize when parents are unhappy with each other, even if there is not any outwardly fighting? DS says to me the other day, "you just seem so unhappy, Mom". Tore me up...does he know that this residency is killing me, despite my attempts to overcompensate for his father's constant absence due to "work"?

[HouseofWool]

My 10 year old son knows when things are bad. Even if I compensate for things, he sees that I am grouchy and out of sorts. It helps, for my kiddo, to really be straight with him. I give him as much info as possible on an age-appropriate level.

[diggitydot]

Our kids know when one (or both) of us are grumpy, but they aren't privy to the specifics unless it has something to do with them. Our kids are older, though -- 17, almost-13, and 10. They're fairly observant, all evidence to the contrary.

[peggyfromwastate]

Yep. They absolutely worry about it. They have so many friends with parents divorcing and what not that it is always on the radar.

[Phoebe]

My 11 yo is a mood barometer. She is constantly reacting to DH and I (expressions, conversations, etc).

[Ladybug]

This thread brings two thoughts to mind. Of course, I don't have the pleasure of having tweens/teens yet, but I am teaching them and fielding interesting questions/conversations from them.

Teens lack emotional filtering hardware. Their behavior is not a result of hormones or pure rebellion, as previously assumed and accepted. There is an explosion of neural growth right before puberty that happens only one other time in your life, the last trimester. Adolescence is where the neural pruning (fine tuning) happens, and it progresses from the back of the brain to the front of the brain, fully maturing in their mid 20s. Consequently, their emotions are full matured and experienced early on, while their emotional filter (prefrontal cortex) doesn't complete maturation until their mid 20s. Awesome. They have "frontal" personalities for a period of time. It's not a excuse for disresepctful behavior, but it makes it feel less personal or reflective of parenting skills.

Emotional contagion. I've found this topic fascinating. It's common sense, but the science behind it is fascinating and enables me to understand it a better and apply it to my life. In health class we're discussing whether can you catch a bad mood from someone, and how we impact our learning community. I'm pasting a blurb below, but there is a lot of interesting info out their if you search on it. There are questionaires you can find online which determine your susceptibility level to other people's moods (empathy). I recently listened to a presentation given by one of the leading researchers in the field of mirror neurons (facial expressions/motor neurons/participating in another person's emotions). There are a lot of implications in this research for autism too. There is an inhibitory mechanism for our mirror neurons, which they think is overactive in autistic people. If they can unlock and regulate this...who knows.

I'm highly susceptible to emotional contagions due to my mom's personality disorder and my upbringing. Knowing this, I have to be cognizant of my kids' and spouse's emotional impact on me and my mental health. It's their emotional luggage, and I can either pick it up or let them carry it. It helps me to understand that I need to physcially separate myself from them, and stop looking at their face and irrational reactions. I try to immediately turn my mind to something creative, emotionally healthy and inspiring (music, photography, reading, etc.) and refuse to perseverate on their reactions and responese. It's difficult. I frequently feel angry and justified, but I envision the luggage sitting in front of me and ask myself if I'm going to pick it up. I envision leaving it there. It was never mine to begin with. Of course this is assuming I feel confident in my parenting, and that's most difficut with the first and/or challenging personalities. Mostly we are a very dedicated, educated parenting bunch. Not perfect, but genuinely trying to the best of our abilities. Being confident in that fact helps me to not pick up their luggage and carry it with me everywhere.

Gary W. Lewandowski, Jr.,
associate professor of psychology
at Monmouth University and co-editor
of www.ScienceOfRelationships.com,


when you see someone coughing, you
reflexively know to steer clear of his or
her germs. When you observe someone
who is cranky or complaining, it is less
obvious what to do. Studies suggest,
however, that others’ moods may be as
easy to catch as their germs.
Psychologists call this phenomenon
emotional contagion, a three-step process
through which one person’s feelings
transfer to another person. The first stage
involves nonconscious mimicry, during
which individuals subtly copy one another’s
nonverbal cues, including posture, facial
expressions and movements. In effect,
seeing my frown makes you more likely to
frown. People may then experience a feedback
stage—because you frowned, you
now feel sad. During the final contagion
stage, individuals share their experiences
until their emotions and behaviors become
synchronized. Thus, when you encounter
a co-worker on a bad day, you
may unknowingly pick up your colleague’s
nonverbal behaviors and begin
to morph into an unhappy state. Mimicry
is not all bad, however; a person can also
adopt a friend or colleague’s good mood,
which can help enhance their bond.
Although mimicry often occurs outside
of our awareness, sometimes we can
observe it. Let us say you see someone
across from you on the train yawn. Often
you cannot help but yawn as well. Recent
research suggests that this type of mimicry
is more common when the person
yawning is someone close to you, such as
a family member, good friend or romantic
partner. Another study revealed that
nonconscious mimicry, also dubbed the
chameleon effect, occurs more often in
more empathetic people.
The contagious nature of emotions
can become amplified when individuals
are in frequent contact with one another.
In one study, marriage researchers Lisa
A. Neff of the University of Texas at Austin
and Benjamin R. Karney of the University
of California, Los Angeles, examined
more than 150 couples for three
years to determine how one spouse’s
stress influences the other spouse and
overall marital quality. They found that
wives were not affected significantly.
Husbands, however, experienced lower
marital satisfaction when their wives reported
higher stress. More important,
emotional crossover was more pronounced
when the couple engaged in negative
conflict-resolution practices, such as
rejecting or criticizing the partner.
These studies emphasize the importance
of choosing wisely the company
you keep, so you can catch others’ good
moods, rather than their bad moods.