Helicopter parenting

[diggitydot]

I've always considered "helicopter parents" to be those who try to prevent any negative consequence from happening to their kid, no matter how appropriate it may be to the situation. Maybe even stretch it to mean parents who don't teach their kids how to effectively handle shit on their own as appropriate for their age. It would never occur to me to infer it to mean parents who are involved and help their kids navigate where they're not either familiar or ready to do so on their own and when it's age appropriate for them to not be prepared to deal with the specific situation.

[PrincessFiona]

Interesting. I don't know where the line is. In our school district, they involve parents right up until graduation. I will never forget the parent-teacher conference that I had for Amanda in 8th grade where the teacher accused me of neglecting Amanda because I hadn't checked into the online system to look at her missing assignments (and it was possible to see how often the parents logged in). She nearly lost her lunch when I told her that Amanda's homework is a contract between she and her teacher and not she and I and that it isn't my responsibility. Unfortunately though, being in the know about everything and logging in is not only expected, it is the norm. Not doing it? Not good.

I have a unique situation in that I have had to advocate for my older two children due to each of them having their own disability. This has created a different standard for me to work from. If hadn't been for my help, my children, frankly, would not have gotten the help that they needed. They each would have fallen through the cracks. I firmly believe that my active involvement has made the different for each of them ... and I think I'm in a good spot to know that. I have tried the hands off approach. It doesn't work. Most teachers have been receptive to helping me help my children, but I do believe it has come at the cost of me looking like a helicopter parent when it comes to them and their needs. I don't know what the alternative is when your child's needs aren't being met. I'm not apologetic for my involvement for Andrew and Amanda and I would do it all again. In fact, I would have been more hard core earlier for each of them.

I'm definitely hands off when it comes to my other three (but they don't have learning disabilities or other disabilities impacting them academically or socially). I'm also fairly honest with their teachers about being hands off. I'm almost a rebel. I'm supposed to sign Zoe's reading minutes each day all week long, write the books she is reading and tally the minutes and sign a final signature at the end of the week. I don't. I sign it once and write "kindle books" for her reading material. That being said, I wouldn't hesitate to step in if there were bullying happening and I would do so unapologetically even if I was perceived as being a helicopter parent. Raising two special needs kids has made me unafraid when it comes to making sure my kids basic needs for safety and security are met. There are some parents who would allow the social situations to play themselves out. Not me.

So I guess it really depends on how you define helicopter parent.

I know this thread was born in part out of my choice to intervene at the college level for my son, so I have mixed feelings. As the dust settles, I'm unapologetic about that too.

Kris

[diggitydot]

Helicopter parenting

I don't think you should be even a little apologetic. Kids with special needs are an entirely different category of student and REQUIRE advocacy on multiple levels.

Our district also has the online system. I didn't even log into it for our first year here. Now that there's a phone app, I can check it occasionally. I really only use it see where our senior sits with her senior project that she's completely fucking off.

[HouseofWool]

Just had the same convo with our 5th grader. Apparently, plagiarizing a wiki page isn't nailed as a no-no hard enough at school yet.

Dude had a word document FILLED with hyperlinks. It was hysterical. The best/worst was they had been told that copying the wiki page was verboten.

[Sheherezade]

I think the problem with defining "helicopter parenting" is that every parent has different definitions of "age appropriate".

Also. It sounds sappy but every kid has some "special needs". They may not all be defined by law, but as a parent you know if your kid needs help on something in particular. Outsiders might not see that and they judge. My kid was recommended for an IEP in second grade for fine motor or visual issues, but we declined. He's done fine but he has horrendous handwriting. Not many people know this and managing the minor issue didn't require legal intervention in our opinion. I also no kids that struggle with anxiety or depression...not something that most parents spread around, but helping your child cope is preferable to sink or swim.

Also, I think sometimes - rarely - teachers use helicopter parent as a way to deflect genuine criticisms.

It's a muddled mess.

If I'm totally honest, there are some major helicopter parents that I know that have been all up in their kids business since grade school and totally unapologetic about it - and their kids are *highly* successful in Ivy League schools now. It makes me a little jealous and it makes me wonder if I should have gone that route sometimes!

Angie

[ladymoreta]

If I'm totally honest, there are some major helicopter parents that I know that have been all up in their kids business since grade school and totally unapologetic about it - and their kids are *highly* successful in Ivy League schools now. It makes me a little jealous and it makes me wonder if I should have gone that route sometimes!

This thread has me thinking, and DH and I have had several helicopter parenting conversations lately. I would very much consider his parents helicopter parents, and they ended up with a successful doctor and a Big Law lawyer (both with highly supportive wives). I think parents do it because it works really well in a lot of cases. He wants to do a lot more micromanaging of our kids than I grew up with, but what can I say? They did well.

[SoonerTexan]

Ha I wasn't in college that long ago and I'm watching my parents with my siblings now...my parents never got involved with stuff on almost any level in school with me, but that was just my personality. Same with DH.

They have more so with my siblings. Different kid, different needs. I have pulled my mom back a few times and strongly suggested she not jump into a situation directly (at the college level) and do more behind the scenes. This is particularly with my 22 year old brother. He's close enough to a big boy job that he needs to do the actual communicating himself, even if my parents guide him every damn step of the way in the background. It's really really hard for my mom to hold back sometimes. I bet it will be for me too.

I say HS is fair game. My sister is an academically perfect, select sports playing superstar who is a stressed out mess and the pressure the school is putting on her is a major part of that. Apparently at parents night my mom told one of the teachers that her class was "killing my daughter" (I know of this teacher...she is ridiculous) and I say right on to that!

I don't want my babies to grow up. This shit looks scary. I'm amazed at how much things have changed even in the 8 years since I graduated HS!

[peggyfromwastate]

Thanks for the replies--- very interesting perspectives on helicopter parenting turning out highly successful kids.

Is helicopter parenting "involved" parenting? I am an involved parent--- I will help with homework. I will help with projects. But I don't mess with grades or tell teachers what they need to assign or what else they need to do. I have asked teachers for clarifications about grades, missing assignments, etc. When my kids are just stressed and confused, and the teachers often are too busy to help the kids at school, what can you do?

Last year when
Ds9 was diagnosed with Tourette's and ADHD we had to struggle through the medicines and a bad teacher. When she assigned problem sets that were just ridiculous, and taking him 2 hours, I emailed and asked if he could just do every other problem, if I could stop him after 1 hour, etc. She obviously has been in touch with parents demanding changes-- she was very cold to me, and just crossed off problems for ds9 on his homework sheet in front of the class. This made him feel like a total idiot. So, I guess my kid did have a negative impact as a result of my interference... But I didn't think it was wrong to ask her if I could just alter the assignment. most elem teachers I've been around have not wanted the kids working on homework so long.

This year his teacher is awesome.

[ladymoreta]

It does sound like we're talking about two very different types of parenting - one being very involved and the other being very entitled. I don't think any of the parents on here are the latter, and I'm sure they're a lot more rare than they seem from hearing anecdotal stories. The type of parenting that teaches entitlement seems like it could be actually damaging. The involved version seems more like a generational change in parenting.

[Ladybug]

Great thread! I consider helicopter parenting to be synonomous with over-parenting. Like DD I ususally think of parents avoiding negative consequences for their children. I also agree with Angie that the term can be used deflect parents that have valid concerns.

I'm definitely involved with homework. It's our time together after school, and their homework is challenging. DD10 was recently doing geometry and algebra that I didn't see until my sophomore year of high school. She needed the parental support to grasp the concepts, including reviewing formulas in the morning and writing out extra sheets of practice problems. She's got it and she's ready for the test, but the students that don't have parental support at home are going to struggle with this curriculum. Most of the parents are invested, like 16K invested, so they are willing to review and reinforce concepts. That level of parental support makes the curriculum reasonable if challenging.

It reminds me of the "play" studies that children can (and should) play independently, but also they also benefit differently when the parents play with them (new words, concepts, associations). I approach homework, peer relationships, teacher relationships with the same dance in mind. Each kid needs to be guided in different ways too.

[mommax3]

I consider myself involved (similar to what Peggy describes) but not a helicopter parent. As a teacher, I would say that true helicopter parenting (at least where I am) is rare...maybe 1-3% of parents. I am sure this is in part dependent on the make up of our community here, and I am also sure that the coaches in our community would report a much higher incidence of helicopter parenting than do the teachers. Sports is a really high priority here, unfortunately. I think that some teachers might report parental concerns as helicopter parenting, but in my experiences and those I've heard about, it is usually more about a parent trying to get the "true" story (you know what they say...."there's my side, there's your side, and there's the truth") about an assignment or a situation so that they can respond appropriately and work with their child. Some teachers resent this because of the extra time it takes and because it can be intimidating to deal with parents. Now that I *am* a parent and have walked 2 of my 3 through middle school, I just try to remember that these parents love their kids as much as I love mine and they are just trying to teach them how to navigate.