I'm an enabler

[peggyfromwastate]

I do almost nothing for dd18--- bc she's pretty much totally independent and has demanded that she does everything for herself since she was 6 and ditched me as we walked to her first day at the new school.

I can see myself doing a lot more micromanaging to try to keep the others on track. They are a lot less self-motivated.

It's hard... And again, we just try to set our kids up for success as much as we can. The little crap, the shopping, the getting lunch, the laundry, the cleaning---- that's all so time consuming. I can understand wanting to lift that burden of their loads to try to give them the best shot at focusing on what needs to get done.

It's just not simple, but I think they'll find their way to independence. You don't need to make them a lunch, but do you make T lunches? It might just be your thing... Like dd said-- your love language. And that's perfectly ok.

Just watch out for yourself!! If you want to give them a good start to the semester by care taking them-- great... But watch out for yourself too!!! Exhausting!!

I don't know what you mean about trickling a car. I'm happy to live in ignorance on that one. Sounds awful.

[spaz]

I thought I might share my experiences with my boys and see if it helps...

My oldest had a traumatic birth ( almost 24 hours, nearly 2 hours of pushing and they finally pulled him out with foreceps and his face was SO scratched up and had bleeding. You can still see the scars if you look at him now. Yeah, C-section would have been better, but hindsite is 20/20)

The day after I took him home he started doing something strange but I was the only one who ever saw it. Eventually, his lips turned blue while he was doing it and I brought him up to the ER, he was having seizures and it took nearly a week and high levels of phenobarbital before they got it under control. I had to take him every week to get blood drawn to make sure the phenobarb was the right level to prevent them from occurring again. We tried to wean him off a couple of times, but he would have seizures again.. Eventually at the age of 2 we successfully weaned him off of them and he never had them again.

All of this to say, he isn't like most other kids. He does not like new things or new people. I had to "force" him to try new things... As in, hold him down when he was screaming and force a new food into his mouth and he would be like, oh....that IS good... He would want to know the schedule for the whole day. He didn't talk until really late and was in speech therapy from K until 3rd grade in ps. That said, intellectually he was brilliant. His first grade teacher had some kind of computer program where they did math... She was blown away by the fact that he was doing multiplication and completely understood it. By the time he got to 3rd grade, it was becoming apparent that we needed to make a change.. His teacher said that she hoped she would be able to keep up with his brain... He got excluded from academic games because he would always win. Plus, that was the year for the almighty TAKS test, so ALL of the homework was TAKS worksheets. All of the schoolwork was as well.... He missed 1 question on the pretest in September..... It was a wasted year.

We started homeschooling the next year. I would still have to "force" him to do certain things socially. I did not expect him to be an extrovert, but if there was a science or math workshop then I would take him. He would always start off saying he didn't want to go, but then come home saying he had the best time. When he was 10 or 11, I took a summer and had the boys pick out recipes from my stash or from my taste of home recipes and they learned how to cook. ARound that time I also had them learn how to do laundry. Part of this was self defense as I was taking care of my father and taking my daughter to vision therapy. I could not do everything myself. My oldest started cooking one night a week for me. He also ended up liking laundry and getting irritated that his brother wouldn't do his share in a timely manner, so he did all of the laundry. ( But made his brother hang up his own stuff.)

Fast forward. I knew he needed to go to college, but somehow he had to get used to new people and new situations. So his junior year he took Spanish at the cc. He took it with his brother and a friend. He got his driver's license the week school started. I took him up there and showed him where to park. I showed him how to get to class. ( We did that the week before.) He didn't sleep the night before. But he drove his brother and their friend. That year he developed a lot of confidence. After that he got the map and I never took him again. He figured it out. He also talked to his professors in both his cc classes and all of the online AP classes I had him taking. ( He took 6.)

For "real" college visits, I started with the Christian university 15 minutes from here. He had taken some summer academic camps there. It was his 10th grade spring semester. I had to "force" him to go. By this time, he had even started saying to me that he knew that when I made him do these things that he would enjoy them. AS we sat waiting for the orientation, he said "I don't want to be here." But he ended up having a good day. We made our next visit his junior year to Baylor and TCU. He ended up going to Baylor about 5 times: first visit, a computer science/engineering weekend, Invitation to Excellence scholarship competition, orientation and then line camp. He was very comfortable with the campus before he went there.

Another thing I did starting in junior high is that I made a chart with all of his schoolwork with blanks. ON Monday morning I would say this needs to be done by the end of the week, then the boys would decide how much they wanted to do each day to make it to that and pencil it in. My oldest LOVED that. He loved being in control of what he did when. He is still doing that. He has a calendar and he takes his syllabus and puts all of his tests, projects, etc on it.

Now, my middle one has never taken to it very well. I had to check him. I'm done mom. Let me see your chart, son. He hadn't filled anything in. He had done most of it, but when he filled it in, he would see what he had "forgotten." With my middle one, I had to let natural consequences take care of it. His 10th grade year he took College Algebra without his brother. He had always said he was bad at math, but I knew better. He just expected it to come easily like it did for his brother. He did well on his first two tests... I was not checking on him. After spring break, he was frantically doing math almost 24/7. He couldn't finish before the test. ( You had to get homework and quizzes done before you were allowed to take the test.) He thought it was no problem that the prof would reschedule the test. I stayed out of it. The next day he came home. That prof had raked him over the coals. He looked and saw that my son hadn't done any homework for a month. He did all of it in 3 days. He also got 1 out of the 2 quizzes done. He only lacked the last quiz. He told him that he shouldn't have to rearrange his schedule because of his irresponsibility. He really lit into him. Finally, he asked my son how old he was. He told him 15. He then told him that he needed to learn to live in the real world. That he would give him one chance and to show up at his office at 7am the next day. My son did and made a B on that test and an A in the class. He has never gotten behind like that again. That prof gave him a real life lesson. He needed it. He said so many of the things I had said before, but he actually heard it from him.

Just a few things I did. I would sit down and sketch out what skills he needs to know and time/things to do to get him to that point. My goal was to get him ready to leave and survive at college. He can do that. My oldest is now forcing himself to do things. This year he forced himself to apply for internships, to go on interviews even though as a sophomore he had very little chance of being hired. I am so proud of him!!! He knew he needed to do it. It was really, really hard for him but he did it.

Maybe this will give you some ideas....

[PrincessFiona]

STEP AWAY!!!!!


I haven't read all of the responses, but IMO you are doing them no favors by not teaching them to survive without you.

Yup! This is what I'm thinking. I love them, but they need to learn to be grownups.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

You will. As an adult with 2 kids of my own, I still need my mommy. Just in different ways.

So funny how people are different. I intellectually understand what you mean by this but I don't truly get this. My mom just isn't someone I can lean into in any way so I learned to stand on my own when I was very young. I think it served me well.

Kris, I would have loved to have a mom like you who is so, so caring. Your kids clearly can see how much you love them. That being said, if you're feeling a little uneasy about your involvement, it's probably a sign that you should step back.

One thing I always think about is that my ex's mom was SO SO caring, did everything for him - frankly, it made him a nightmare roommate...he meant well and was a very kind person but he didn't/couldn't do things for himself because his brain didn't work that way. It's potentially something to think about whether you're raising them to be thoughtful roommates/spouses, etc. if you do as many things for them as you do. I don't think you should drop the caring (the notes, the texts, etc.) but maybe some of the mundane tasks like lunches and backpacks they could take on.

[PrincessFiona]

One really striking thing is that yesterday Andrew texted Thomas this beautiful thank you note for all he does for our family and him. I told Thomas to print it out and frame it.

Yesterday, I taught Andrew how to trickle charge his car overnight. He left for school and I went outside to put the charger away. He had put it away himself. Awesome. I honestly didn't expect it. I do need to back the heck off!

Daily encouragement texts are okay? Or is that hovering? Would you have felt put off at 18/20?

[diggitydot]

I'm an enabler

One really striking thing is that yesterday Andrew texted Thomas this beautiful thank you note for all he does for our family and him. I told Thomas to print it out and frame it.

Yesterday, I taught Andrew how to trickle charge his car overnight. He left for school and I went outside to put the charger away. He had put it away himself. Awesome. I honestly didn't expect it. I do need to back the heck off!

Daily encouragement texts are okay? Or is that hovering? Would you have felt put off at 18/20?

Daily is probably not necessary. Occasional? Absolutely!

FWIW, my perspective on this is similar to T&S's. My parents were absent or useless from a very early age. I was a latchkey kid starting at age 6. Figuring shit out on my own has been my entire life, so I'm pretty accustomed to that dynamic.

Oddly enough, our DD1 is dealing with her boyfriend not being able to care for himself. His mom never allowed him to do things because he "didn't do it her way". Kid never learned basic skills like how to wash his own laundry or dishes. DD1 is teaching him these things because he's essentially living in her dorm room.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

^^That describes my ex to a T. He didn't reflexively even put things in the trash because mama used to make all snacks/food and then bus all the trash/dishes.

I think encouragement is great via text/special note. Maybe not every day but there aren't rules. Besides, it's more special if it's a surprise or because it's a big day (test, special event, etc).

[SoonerTexan]

So funny how people are different. I intellectually understand what you mean by this but I don't truly get this. My mom just isn't someone I can lean into in any way so I learned to stand on my own when I was very young. I think it served me well.

I think we adapt to our circumstances. I've always been very independent. (I remember asking my dad for math help once and he was annoying me so I gave up), but I have relied on my parents (particularly my mom) emotionally. Actually, it's always been an emotional connection more than a physical (as in them doing things for me) one. We were definitely taught to do things on our own, but my mom always had our backs when we needed guidance. She didn't have that sort of relationship with her mother, which is interesting. I actually feel like we parent pretty similarly, so I wonder how your relationship with your daughters will be different that yours with your mom. My bet is it will probably be very different, in a good way.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

^from your lips to God's ears. My fervent daily prayer is that that would be true.

[bokelley]

My grandparents were pretty hands off. I had a nanny that helped me. I never had to do laundry , cooking or anything like that but if I found my self overwhelmed with school or life it was up to me to figure it out. No tucking in at bed time or bed time stories.

I am extremely independent, which can be bad because I often forget about other involved (like dh). But what I am saying it you are a great mom and they will learn if you teach them but they do sound super appreciative of everything you guys have done. Which now a days I feel like is a amazing in itself