Did anyone have a party to meet new neighbors after moving?

I honestly don't know. The only things I can think are 1) people without kids have a lot more freedom, so people WITH kids think they won't be able to go do all the things you'd want to do (or vice versa - would you want to hang out at the park with a mom & her kids?),

In this case, it might actually help for them to know what your DH does. It could make you seem safer.

Interesting food for thought, Deb. I will think about these. Your first point is especially interesting--makes a lot of sense.

I'm interested to hear why you think them knowing what my DH does would make us seem safer? We generally try to not reveal what DH does to people we've just met--I have found in the past that telling people what line of work he's in seems to breed intimidation and seems to put people off, particularly when they're our age.

Hmm... (backpedaling here)... DH & I aren't extroverts with a huge circle of friends. I just remember what it was like to have people put up a wall because we didn't have kids. I don't really know why your neighbors would put up a wall, so everything I said above is total speculation. We do try to be friends with all kinds of people, whether they have kids or not.

I've also experienced the intimidation people feel when they find out what DH does. But in your case, in a neighborhood where you might have a lot of interaction with their kids, being a doctor/doctor's spouse might make them feel like you had more of a caregiving role. I don't actually know what would work - I'm just trying to brainstorm ways to manage all the unfair stereotypes so people have a chance to get to know you.

That's stinky that people would act that way. I rarely tell people what my husband does for the same reasons you were talking about. I don't tell them what I do either. Now that I write that down I realize we may come across as a little weird because of it... But we are really lucky that we live in a medical dominated neighborhood so the fact that my husband is a doctor isn't anything new, I feel left out on my morning walks because I am the only person without scrubs and a white coat on! We don't know all our neighbors and the ones we have met are because I am a firm believer in the Texan tradition of saying HELLO to everyone, some people just ignore me, but those that don't seem to appreciate that someone breaks the ice. And I also agree with the front porch thing. When we lived in a smaller town in Texas we would hang out on the front lawn on hot summer evenings with the dogs and a glass of wine or watermelon or something. We met a ton of people like that! I would go ahead and have the party, it's their loss if they don't come. We don't have kids either and if anyone treated me differently because of the fact I would be offended too!

[poky]

Sunny, I don't know how many times I've started replying to this thread and stopped myself because I couldn't find the words. I still probably can't, but I'm going to forge ahead anyway.

First, I'm wondering HOW you're telling people you don't have kids. I also don't have kids. I'm also probably 10 years older than you are, and the fact that I don't have kids (and don't want them) has caused all sorts of reactions over the years. What I've discovered, though, is that I have a MUCH bigger role in how people react than I used to think I did. You're essentially telling people how to react by how you answer the question. If you actually do want kids, it's a no-brainer; when talking with people who have kids, the answer to whether you have kids is a cheery "not yet, but we want to soon!" (even if you don't plan to start for a few years). Leave it open, let them know you're just like them, just a little earlier in the process. I promise that answer, delivered in an upbeat way, will NOT make people turn away. If, on the other hand, you get tense, act uncomfortable, look away, mumble "no", or act defensive or otherwise upset by the question, then of COURSE people are going to be uncomfortable and not be eager to seek you out again later. They don't know if they offended you by asking, if you've been trying for years and it's a horribly painful subject, or what. It's really not just the fact that you don't have kids, it's the fact that you don't have kids and you're so uncomfortable about it, too. They don't know how to react, so they avoid. Your goal is to answer their question *without* making it a big deal. if it isn't a big deal to you, then it won't be to them.

If you don't want kids or are on the fence, it's a little tougher, of course; but that doesn't mean impossible. My very best friend here has 2 kids.

I'm not putting this ALL on you. Even if you're absolutely comfortable and confident and friendly with your answer, there will still be *some* people with kids who simply won't be friendly to anybody who doesn't have any...but the chances that there's a whole neighborhood full of people like that are vanishingly small.

The other thing I'm wondering is what exactly you're expecting from your neighbors - just to know them well enough to know their names? To be able to wave hi when you see each other? To hang out every week? To be BFFs? Do you know what you want? Keep in mind that most good friendships take *years* to develop, and don't expect too much too soon.

[Pollyanna]

Yes, exactly what Sandy said!!!

Don't over think this or over analyze your neighbors. Have the party. Go out this weekend, buy some invitations, set a date and send them out. Just do it, what is the worst that could happen? My guess is that you will be pleasantly surprised by the response.

99% of people are good people, truly they are.

Sunny, I don't know how many times I've started replying to this thread and stopped myself because I couldn't find the words. I still probably can't, but I'm going to forge ahead anyway.

First, I'm wondering HOW you're telling people you don't have kids. I also don't have kids. I'm also probably 10 years older than you are, and the fact that I don't have kids (and don't want them) has caused all sorts of reactions over the years. What I've discovered, though, is that I have a MUCH bigger role in how people react than I used to think I did. You're essentially telling people how to react by how you answer the question. If you actually do want kids, it's a no-brainer; when talking with people who have kids, the answer to whether you have kids is a cheery "not yet, but we want to soon!" (even if you don't plan to start for a few years). Leave it open, let them know you're just like them, just a little earlier in the process. I promise that answer, delivered in an upbeat way, will NOT make people turn away. If, on the other hand, you get tense, act uncomfortable, look away, mumble "no", or act defensive or otherwise upset by the question, then of COURSE people are going to be uncomfortable and not be eager to seek you out again later. They don't know if they offended you by asking, if you've been trying for years and it's a horribly painful subject, or what. It's really not just the fact that you don't have kids, it's the fact that you don't have kids and you're so uncomfortable about it, too. They don't know how to react, so they avoid. Your goal is to answer their question *without* making it a big deal. if it isn't a big deal to you, then it won't be to them.

If you don't want kids or are on the fence, it's a little tougher, of course; but that doesn't mean impossible. My very best friend here has 2 kids.

I'm not putting this ALL on you. Even if you're absolutely comfortable and confident and friendly with your answer, there will still be *some* people with kids who simply won't be friendly to anybody who doesn't have any...but the chances that there's a whole neighborhood full of people like that are vanishingly small.

The other thing I'm wondering is what exactly you're expecting from your neighbors - just to know them well enough to know their names? To be able to wave hi when you see each other? To hang out every week? To be BFFs? Do you know what you want? Keep in mind that most good friendships take *years* to develop, and don't expect too much too soon.

Excellent points, Poky. I really like what you said about how to answer the question. DH and I have actually been discussing this very issue lately. We have together crafted a response that we have been using. DH explained to me that even though we don't plan to try to have kids for awhile yet, we need to portray like it's imminent, so as to make it seem like we're on the same wavelength as the neighbors. So the response we came up with is: "Not yet, but we're working on it." This is the response we have been giving, said in an upbeat way. Maybe this isn't the right response, and I really like the one you gave as an example. However, we could very well still be exhibiting conscious or sub-conscious discomfort with the question, and people are picking up on that. I'm not sure, but it's probably likely that we still seem uncomfortable despite the words we are saying (because we are uncomfortable with the question).

However, the responses from neighbors have still been negative. Like another poster explained it, once we say that, a "wall" goes up. That's the perfect way to describe it. It's like once we say that they decide right then and there that we are not the type of people they want to associate with. It's unfortunate. I certainly don't feel that way about people who are single. DH actually thinks his occupation will be more of an issue with the neighbors (when/if they find out) than the kids are! He thinks once the neighbors find out what he does, then they'll completely write us off, as do most people our age who we encounter once they find out what DH does. Not sure how we can come up with an upbeat way to explain what DH does, though if anyone has a good stock answer, I'd love to hear it!

As for what I'd like from the neighbors--what I'd ideally like is to exchange pleasantries in the yard if we're out at the same time, chat for a few minutes when we see each other walking in the neighborhood, and maybe get together for drinks, etc. outside on the patio once in awhile. However, I think that this is overly ambitious, and I've never been able to have even this kind of relationship with any of our neighbors when we were renting.

Why am I thinking about this so much? Well, that's because DH and I have had a really tough time trying to create a social life from scratch since we moved here, and we feel very isolated. We've been searching for a sense of community ever since we moved here, and haven't yet found it. One of the reasons we wanted to finally stop renting and buy a house was so that we could find a sense of community in our new neighborhood as homeowners, and we have been eagerly looking forward to this for years now. However, now that we're in our new neighborhood, and met the locals, I don't think that's going to happen. They haven't exactly rolled out the welcome mat. I feel like we don't fit in with this neighborhood, and I'm not sure we'll find the sense of community we're looking for there. So the letdown and disappointment has been great.

[Ladybug]

Give it time. It takes years for these relationships to develop. We've been here four years and have just reached the point that we feel comfortable calling people up on short notice, have friends calling us, etc. I honestly think you're expecting too much too soon. Give your neighbors lots of time and chances. Focus on your house right now. Find some activities that interest you and let things stew slowly.

Give it time. It takes years for these relationships to develop. We've been here four years and have just reached the point that we feel comfortable calling people up on short notice, have friends calling us, etc. I honestly think you're expecting too much too soon. Give your neighbors lots of time and chances. Focus on your house right now. Find some activities that interest you and let things stew slowly.

You're right, Ladybug. I'll try to do that. I know I'm expecting too much too soon. I just hope our neighbors will be open to getting to know us, and so far it's been disappointing. Hopefully things will look up soon!

I'm still not clear why being a doctor has anything to do with how people treat you. I tell people my husband is in medicine all the time and have yet to be blown off, shunned, etc.

DH and I have both experienced negative responses/attitudes when we reveal what he does. It doesn't happen every time, but it happens often enough that now we are wary. People get intimidated, and/or they get jealous. Then they have a reason to dislike you/not want to be friends with you just based on their intimidation/jealousy. They also have pre-conceived stereotypes of the dawkter lifestyle. They make rude comments. They expect you to pay for their meals when you're out with them. These are all things we've experienced after telling people what DH does. Thus we avoid telling as much as possible. DH has most recently experienced this with the guys on a sports team he's on.

[Chrisada]

DH and I have both experienced negative responses/attitudes when we reveal what he does. It doesn't happen every time, but it happens often enough that now we are wary. People get intimidated, and/or they get jealous. Then they have a reason to dislike you/not want to be friends with you just based on their intimidation/jealousy. They also have pre-conceived stereotypes of the dawkter lifestyle. They make rude comments. They expect you to pay for their meals when you're out with them. These are all things we've experienced after telling people what DH does. Thus we avoid telling as much as possible. DH has most recently experienced this with the guys on a sports team he's on.

That's interesting. Like Lily, we've never experienced people treating us differently because of DH's profession. But maybe that is because all of our friends also hold a graduate degree of some kind. Being a doctor isn't that big of a deal in our circle. As for the neighbors with families treating you differently I tried to imagine how I would act towards a couple without children. I would definitely be kind, but am not sure how actively I would pursue a friendship. This is why: my husband is rarely home and I always have two little boys with me. I honestly would feel awkward bringing my children to lunch or to someone's house who does not have children. So most of my friends do have children so that when we hang out, our kids can hang out too. Chances are if a friend without kids wants to do something like go to the movies or happy hour, I would not be able to go because of my tag a longs. On the other hand I did make friends with a woman who loved children so would do things like bring lunch over and hang out with us. At the time she was trying to get pregnant so wanted to be around babies all the time. DH and I have tried to do things with couples with no children and it has been difficult. Anyways, like everyone said friendships are usually slow developing. We just moved into our house and are only friends with one of our next door neighbors. and that's only because our garages our next to each other and she is outside a lot.

[Pollyanna]

What area of the country do you live in and what type of neighborhood? Folks around here are super nice but not the bring over a banana bread when you move in kind of nice. We have lived next to two houses for 12 years and we all smile and wave at each other but that is about it. No one is being rude, we are all just living our own lives. Friendships are not always cultivated out of neighborhoods, although they certainly can be. It seems like you just may be over analyzing, over thinking this whole thing. Have the party, live your life, do things you enjoy and friendships will develop. Give it time.

As for the neighbors with families treating you differently I tried to imagine how I would act towards a couple without children. I would definitely be kind, but am not sure how actively I would pursue a friendship. This is why: my husband is rarely home and I always have two little boys with me. I honestly would feel awkward bringing my children to lunch or to someone's house who does not have children. So most of my friends do have children so that when we hang out, our kids can hang out too. Chances are if a friend without kids wants to do something like go to the movies or happy hour, I would not be able to go because of my tag a longs. On the other hand I did make friends with a woman who loved children so would do things like bring lunch over and hang out with us. At the time she was trying to get pregnant so wanted to be around babies all the time. DH and I have tried to do things with couples with no children and it has been difficult. Anyways, like everyone said friendships are usually slow developing. We just moved into our house and are only friends with one of our next door neighbors. and that's only because our garages our next to each other and she is outside a lot.

You make excellent points and I totally see where you're coming from. What you're saying makes perfect sense, and really helps give me insight into the situation! I can totally understand why the neighbors with kids don't want to bother with us.

But it puts us in a bit of a bind, because most people in our age group are either single, or married with kids. I think it's harder for us to try to make friends with a couple with kids than with the single folks, probably exactly for the reasons you mention. Hypothetically, if you were to make friends with a married couple without kids, couldn't you get a baby sitter once in awhile to be able to go out with them? Or would that just not work out?

I'm interested to hear more about the lifestyle of being married with kids. I honestly don't know much about this, as I don't have any friends with kids, and I don't have any nieces or nephews.

[Chrisada]

Sitters are really expensive. I think if a couple is going to spring for a sitter, they're likely going to spend it on a date night so they can get to know each other again. .

Exactly. We've also run into the issue of having to leave in the middle of a great time to relieve the sitter. We are always the first to leave anything. I tend to think once the boys are older it might be easier to socialize.