The Medical Marriage: Sustaining Healthy Relationships for Physicians and Their Famil

[MrsK]

I think we are most like 2 and I suspect there are a lot of 2s in this group. But, overall, I found a lot of those descriptions to be very confusing. It's harder to crowbar people into categories . . . unless, of course, those categories are jelly/jam.

[Auspicious]

I think maybe I'm a 2 and he's an 8.

[SuzySunshine]

I think we're closest to a 2 but I never considered my career to be high powered, I could have gone down that road but didn't. I'm definitely a Type A though.

[Liisi]

I agree that the categories are a little odd and confusing and don't really fit everyone. On the other hand, like I said, I haven't READ all of it - just skimmed. So maybe the several pages written about each type describe them more clearly?

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

We're #2. No question about it. I'd like to step back in my career but that's not going to happen financially so we're going to make it work.

I feel like some of these categories are sort of negative/value judgements. Maybe I'm simple but I feel like there's some of these that could really be collapsed:

1. 2 high-powered careers (Dr + whatever the spouse is)
2. Dr + partner who doesn't work/works PT to fit around Dr's schedule
3. Both people working to live but not living to work

Don't know that there are many doctor couples who really fit into the last category any more with the hassles/high cost in terms of time and expense of becoming a doctor but maybe there are some.

[MrsK]

I feel like some of these categories are sort of negative/value judgements. Maybe I'm simple but I feel like there's some of these that could really be collapsed:

1. 2 high-powered careers (Dr + whatever the spouse is)
2. Dr + partner who doesn't work/works PT to fit around Dr's schedule
3. Both people working to live but not living to work

Don't know that there are many doctor couples who really fit into the last category any more with the hassles/high cost in terms of time and expense of becoming a doctor but maybe there are some.

I agree with this. I felt rather defensive about several of the descriptions of those relationships. Also, I think the descriptions were not specifically relevant to medical marriages but could pertain to any couple's relationship. Imagine replacing the dawter with a college professor. The categories wouldn't change much but they would still be judgmental.

[MrsK]

Really, the more I look at those category descriptions, the more I think they are a load of garbage. There are definitely some not-so-subtle value judgments there which make anyone who is not an 8 seem like a pushover or a jerk. Having not read the book, I cannot say whether there is something useful that I'm missing but if this was written on the book jacket, I'd move on. I don't see where categorizing relationships or valuing one type above another is helpful to any relationship, whether lesbian, gay, straight or otherwise.

[SuzySunshine]

I read this book several years ago and I actually thought the whole thing was garbage. Not surprising to me I borrowed it from probably the most bitter wife in our program.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

1.

We're a physician: two people, one medical career. "An ambitious, career-oriented male physician and a nurturing 'good mother' find each other." Wife is nurturer and "stress absorber;" caretaker and "junior partner."
2. The physician and his wife: pleasing others even if it kills them. Caretaker in the marriage is the Type A/high-powered woman who's not a doctor, who has either "sacrificed her career to focus on managing the home and family," or is trying to combine home with her own career. "[the husband's] energy goes into his career and into keeping up with whatever his dynamo wife organizes in their personal life. He may make most or all of the money, but she wields most of the power in the marriage."
3. The physician and her husband: pleasing others even if it kills her. Non-physician husband is supportive of his wife's career "at least at first," but "much less support will be typically offered than a nonphysician wife offers a male physician."
4. Ready, Set, Go! The Physicians and other dual-career couples. "Most often, when two physicians (or a physician and a fellow professional) marry, they create a life that seems like a race." Competition between the spouses - they are both propelled to "constantly expand their life," but neither partner can function as the "stress absorber in the marriage." High-achievers, face-paced life, etc.

Right, like isn't #4 basically a negative description of #2?

And doesn't #3 insinuate that a male spouse isn't ever going to be as support as a female one?

And doesn't #1 insinuate that a stay at home wife fits a "good mother" stereotype and is a "junior" (aka not full) partner in the relationship?

Was this book written in 1945?

Sorry, Lisii, no offense meant but I think the book is not all that helpful regardless of orientation...read Kris' book instead.

[MrsK]

2 is pretty negative in a "who wears the pants" sort of way. Sounds like the dawter is being bossed around by a pushy wife at home. 4 refers to a couple where both are doctors and compete at home and at work. 1 undervalues the SAHMs and 3 undervalues those that WOH. Where's the benefit in that?

[MsSassyBaskets]

Really, the more I look at those category descriptions, the more I think they are a load of garbage. There are definitely some not-so-subtle value judgments there which make anyone who is not an 8 seem like a pushover or a jerk. Having not read the book, I cannot say whether there is something useful that I'm missing but if this was written on the book jacket, I'd move on. I don't see where categorizing relationships or valuing one type above another is helpful to any relationship, whether lesbian, gay, straight or otherwise.

So agreed. They all sound like an outsider's judgment on other people's relationships. A relationship takes two people, and each of these people is an individual. The way they work together as a "medical couple" is so unique... categorization makes no sense to me. I think a good "medical spouse" book should discuss the unique challenges medical couples face throughout training and beyond, and the skills and solutions you can build on to meet these challenges. Some of those challenges will differ by personal differences -- whether a spouse works out of the house or at home, whether they have kids, whether they are a same-sex or hetero couple, etc. But a lot of them will be the same! Isn't that why we're all on this forum, anyway?

Ugh, don't mind me, I always resist categorization.

[Liisi]

Thanks for the critiques, everyone... valid points! And now I'm feeling less motivated to bother reading/finishing the book (and less guilty about not finishing it)! Because you're right, a lot of it seems so judgmental to me - the authors make it seem like doctors are mostly people with lots of bad qualities, and it's so off-putting. Towards the end there are a bunch of, I don't know, exercises and checklists and quizzes and stuff; something about anger management, coping styles, and stress management strategies. But the book is not at all what I was looking for.

This is what I was looking for:

I think a good "medical spouse" book should discuss the unique challenges medical couples face throughout training and beyond, and the skills and solutions you can build on to meet these challenges. Some of those challenges will differ by personal differences -- whether a spouse works out of the house or at home, whether they have kids, whether they are a same-sex or hetero couple, etc. But a lot of them will be the same! Isn't that why we're all on this forum, anyway?

YES!