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New Rules

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  • New Rules

    This is attributed to George Carlin - but who knows? There doesn't seem to be enough swearing for it to be Carlin.

    > > New Rule:
    > > Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
    > > classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
    > > people for 25 years. Because you don't
    > > particularly like them! Besides, I already
    > > know what the captain of the football team is doing
    > > these days . . . mowing my lawn.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
    > > window unless you're a seagull. People are
    > > acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
    > > a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less
    > > than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?
    > > Trout?
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
    > > with their hot, blonde teachers are
    > > permanently damaged. I have a better description for
    > > these kids: lucky bastards.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > If you need to shave and you still collect
    > > baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a
    > > kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
    > > you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
    > > much men care about your eyebrows: do you
    > > have two of them? Okay, we're done.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > There's no such thing as flavored water.
    > > There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
    > > supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
    > > Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
    > > drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch
    > > over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
    > > water.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > Stop screwing with old people. Target is
    > > introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's
    > > square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
    > > bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out
    > > how to open it, his ass will be in the
    > > morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
    > > Social Security crisis.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
    > > bigger the asshole. If you walk into a
    > > Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
    > > half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
    > > gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
    > > one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh,
    > > you're a huge asshole.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
    > > from sliding my card, entering my PIN number,
    > > pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
    > > no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
    > > "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
    > > ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
    > > Joy.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > Just because your tattoo has Chinese
    > > characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
    > > It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
    > > translates to "beef with broccoli." The last
    > > time you did anything spiritual, you were
    > > praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
    > > spiritual. You're just high.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
    > > seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised
    > > the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
    > > watching those athletes at the poker table was just
    > > too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
    > > farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
    > > It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra
    > > hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > If you're going to insist on making movies
    > > based on crappy, old television shows, then
    > > you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
    > > so we can see what's playing on the other
    > > screens. Let's remember the reason something
    > > was a television show in the first place is that the
    > > idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > No more gift registries. You know, it used to
    > > be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and
    > > new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
    > > the stuff you want and having other people
    > > buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
    > > white people version of looting.
    > >
    > > New Rule: and this one is long
    > > overdue:
    > > No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some
    > > guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
    > > just had sex with George Michael. I can't even
    > > tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
    > > freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
    > > your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my
    > > hands.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
    > > need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's
    > > two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
    > > didn't really care in the first place.
    > >
    > > New Rule:
    > > If you ever hope to be a credible adult and
    > > want a job that pays better than minimum
    > > wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
    > > every available piece of flesh. If so, then
    > > plan your future around saying" Do you want
    > > fries with that?"

  • #2
    Jenn, thank you, I really needed a laugh this morning. I also had to forward it to everyone sitting around me, as they wanted to know why I'm snorting water out of my nose.

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