Available at 
Tweet
This is attributed to George Carlin - but who knows? There doesn't seem to be enough swearing for it to be Carlin.
> > New Rule:
> > Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> > classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
> > people for 25 years. Because you don't
> > particularly like them! Besides, I already
> > know what the captain of the football team is doing
> > these days . . . mowing my lawn.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
> > window unless you're a seagull. People are
> > acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
> > a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less
> > than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?
> > Trout?
> >
> > New Rule:
> > Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
> > with their hot, blonde teachers are
> > permanently damaged. I have a better description for
> > these kids: lucky bastards.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > If you need to shave and you still collect
> > baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a
> > kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
> > you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
> > much men care about your eyebrows: do you
> > have two of them? Okay, we're done.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > There's no such thing as flavored water.
> > There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
> > supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
> > Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
> > drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch
> > over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
> > water.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > Stop screwing with old people. Target is
> > introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's
> > square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
> > bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out
> > how to open it, his ass will be in the
> > morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
> > Social Security crisis.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
> > bigger the asshole. If you walk into a
> > Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
> > half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
> > gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
> > one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh,
> > you're a huge asshole.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
> > from sliding my card, entering my PIN number,
> > pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
> > no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
> > "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
> > ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
> > Joy.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> > characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
> > It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
> > translates to "beef with broccoli." The last
> > time you did anything spiritual, you were
> > praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
> > spiritual. You're just high.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
> > seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised
> > the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
> > watching those athletes at the poker table was just
> > too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
> > farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
> > It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
> >
> > New Rule:
> > I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra
> > hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > If you're going to insist on making movies
> > based on crappy, old television shows, then
> > you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
> > so we can see what's playing on the other
> > screens. Let's remember the reason something
> > was a television show in the first place is that the
> > idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > No more gift registries. You know, it used to
> > be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and
> > new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
> > the stuff you want and having other people
> > buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
> > white people version of looting.
> >
> > New Rule: and this one is long
> > overdue:
> > No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some
> > guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
> > just had sex with George Michael. I can't even
> > tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
> > freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
> > your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my
> > hands.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
> > need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's
> > two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
> > didn't really care in the first place.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > If you ever hope to be a credible adult and
> > want a job that pays better than minimum
> > wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
> > every available piece of flesh. If so, then
> > plan your future around saying" Do you want
> > fries with that?"
> > New Rule:
> > Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> > classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
> > people for 25 years. Because you don't
> > particularly like them! Besides, I already
> > know what the captain of the football team is doing
> > these days . . . mowing my lawn.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
> > window unless you're a seagull. People are
> > acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
> > a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less
> > than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?
> > Trout?
> >
> > New Rule:
> > Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
> > with their hot, blonde teachers are
> > permanently damaged. I have a better description for
> > these kids: lucky bastards.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > If you need to shave and you still collect
> > baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a
> > kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
> > you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
> > much men care about your eyebrows: do you
> > have two of them? Okay, we're done.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > There's no such thing as flavored water.
> > There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
> > supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
> > Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
> > drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch
> > over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
> > water.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > Stop screwing with old people. Target is
> > introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's
> > square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
> > bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out
> > how to open it, his ass will be in the
> > morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
> > Social Security crisis.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
> > bigger the asshole. If you walk into a
> > Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
> > half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
> > gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
> > one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh,
> > you're a huge asshole.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
> > from sliding my card, entering my PIN number,
> > pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
> > no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
> > "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
> > ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
> > Joy.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> > characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
> > It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
> > translates to "beef with broccoli." The last
> > time you did anything spiritual, you were
> > praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
> > spiritual. You're just high.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
> > seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised
> > the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
> > watching those athletes at the poker table was just
> > too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
> > farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
> > It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
> >
> > New Rule:
> > I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra
> > hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > If you're going to insist on making movies
> > based on crappy, old television shows, then
> > you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
> > so we can see what's playing on the other
> > screens. Let's remember the reason something
> > was a television show in the first place is that the
> > idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > No more gift registries. You know, it used to
> > be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and
> > new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
> > the stuff you want and having other people
> > buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
> > white people version of looting.
> >
> > New Rule: and this one is long
> > overdue:
> > No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some
> > guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
> > just had sex with George Michael. I can't even
> > tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
> > freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
> > your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my
> > hands.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
> > need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's
> > two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
> > didn't really care in the first place.
> >
> > New Rule:
> > If you ever hope to be a credible adult and
> > want a job that pays better than minimum
> > wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
> > every available piece of flesh. If so, then
> > plan your future around saying" Do you want
> > fries with that?"
Comment