Inferiority complex

Hi, I'm brand new to this web site as of today, and I need some advice or support. My husband is a med/psych resident and is starting his second year next week. This past Friday we went to a graduation ceremony for the internal med residents. it was a very fancy dinner/cocktail/dance ceremony. before the dinner, everything was fine. it was afterwards, durning the dancing/cocktail time that I began to feel very out of place, uncomfortable, in short, like I just didn't belong there. My husband was so excited to be with all his colleagues in an informal setting that he wanted to mingle. I told him to do just that. However, it left me alone at the table for a great deal of the rest of the evening, which was only about 1.5 to two hours. I did have the company of his colleagues husband, who I have been with before, so it wasn't too bad. My husband did drop by to see me every so often and felt bad for leaving me alone but it was also obvious he so just wanted to mingle. I just felt out of place because I felt inferior to all those people. I'm not normally like that, but this time I just felt overwhelmingly out of my element and uncomfortable. Does anyone have any advice on how they deal with being a spouse at these events. I want to continue to go to these activities. Now, this coming Friday he has a graduation ceremony for the psych dept. He asked me if I wanted to go. I left that decision up to him based on this past Saturday. He opted to go without me. I'm just feeling so insecure and like a loser. I am an administrative assistant for investment advisors at an accounting firm. It's nothing prestigious, but I am still proud that I have a good job. I have a bachelor's in biology and was pre-med but gave it up after seeing what my boyfriend (now husband) was going through in med school. I am currently seeking a certification in high school teaching, so I can get back into the field of science. More than anything, I think I just needed to get this off my chest. I was crying on our way home. I want to be supportive of him, and I wasn't doing so by being upset after leaving there. I just feel terrible about it and would like some advice on how to get over it and become more confident around these people. Thanks!

[PrincessFiona]

I hear you

Bess,

I understand where you are coming from. It took me a long time to feel comfortable in those kind of social settings...and truth be told, I still feel a little bit akward.

For me, it was the concern over my appearance or being judged by other spouses or my dh's colleagues as not being 'good enough'. I am a little overweight and have felt very self-conscious about that issue..particularly because many (though not all) med spouses that I know are physically..perfect.

My husband also likes to go off and mingle with his colleague friends and for a long time I sat akwardly behind and made idle chit-chat until we could finally leave.

I think what helped me was realizing that
1. everyone there had their insecurities and many other spouses felt uncomfortable and
2. mingling with my husband. At first I didn't say much at all...but just going around together was nice...and we could chitchat as we went....slowly here I've gotten to know a couple of his colleagues exactly because I mingled with him. I even go out for coffee from time-to-time on my own now with one doc that I clicked with.

It just takes time. Don't stop going to these events because it increases that feeling of distance between you...as if the residency just has another way of putting a wedge between you. Find a way to go and enjoy it on your own terms...ie the free food and drinks :mrgreen .... maybe you can make a personal goal for yourself to meet one new spouse each time or something...and exchange phone numbers or arrange to meet for coffee as a group with some of the other spouses?

It is so hard .... I tend to feel extremely akward in social situations.

Hang in there...and don't stop going..... 8)

kris

[Rapunzel]

I can sooo relate to this! I have had such a hard time at my husband's professional get-togethers. I hate stilted conversation revolving around on-the-job stuff, inside jokes that I'm not privy to (from obviously not working with the residents), and the occasional snobbish co-worker. I told Jon that I didn't want to ever go to another professional gathering ever again because I felt like I was under a microscope. This last Friday the program had a roast for the graduating residents and the attendings (it's an annual, semi-formal, sit-down-dinner function at a swanky hotel) and I told Jon a number of times that I would prefer not to go and that he should go without me. I have tried to explain to him a number of times why I don't like these things and it finally seemed to "click" for him. He ended up persuading me to go and I ended up having a good time for the first time in his medical career!! 8O

So, what happened that changed my experience?

1)My husband stuck by me the entire night. He didn't walk away to go talk to co-workers. If I went somewhere he went there as well. Similarly everytime he walked over to a person he took me with him.

2)The first thing Jon did everytime anyone began talking to him was immediately introduce me to the person or, if it was someone I was familiar with, he would re-introduce me or purposely include me in the conversation. At the end of the night a film was shown that Jon made - it was hilarious and the "bigwigs" (the chairpeople and the board and the "big name" researchers) all came over to him afterwards to call him "My guy" and slap him on the back,etc. The very first thing Jon did in all of these instances was to include me in the conversation! I obviously meant nothing to these people but it meant a lot to me that in this high-stress environment where he was getting a lot of positive attention he made a huge effort to include me.

3)Jon watched the kids while I got ready for the evening which allowed me time to feel like I could pull my self together and look like I actually have time to take care of myself everyday. He also made a point to be very encouraging about my appearance before and during the event.

4)When the function was over my husband didn't criticize any of my comments, my appearance, or any action I made during the event.

All of this was a huge departure from what normally occurs at these events. I usually feel about the size of an ant and about that important as well. What made the difference this time is that my husband made an effort - sincere and thorough - to make me feel comfortable. I strongly encourage you to discuss your discomfort with your husband. Heck, show him my post so he can see what he needs to be doing for you. I think far too many of these physician-husbands of ours take us to functions and dump us. I effectively told my husband that if that was what was going to happen then I simply was not going - he could go schmooze without me. Jon felt it was important I be there so he adjusted his behavior to make me want to be there.

I am sincerely hoping that this becomes a habit of my husband when these events pop up. I will make an effort to gently remind him and I definitely pointed out to him after that evening was over how much I appreciated his thoughtfulness and effort to make me have a good night.

Jennifer

We also had our picture taken while we were sitting at the table. It actually looked pretty nice! (We viewed it on a digital camera). Hopefully Jon will get it in an email and I can post it on my profile or something so everyone can print out pictures of me to throw tomatoes at!

[Auspicious]

I agree with everything Kris and Jennifer said.

You don't sound like a loser. You sound like someone who has an interesting life and good plans for the future and plenty to talk about at a cocktail party, but who was having an off day. I think most people have certain times where their insecurities inexplicably rise up and growl in their face. It doesn't mean you won't have a great time at the next event.

I, too, have momentary twinges where I feel like I don't belong in a roomful of "prestigous" doctors, (jeez, it seems bad just saying that) or that I'm the only person at the table without a PhD, and when that happens I remind myself of the following:

--my boyfriend is "one of them," and he finds me fascinating, so there's no reason to assume the rest of them won't.

--usually what makes someone interesting to talk to is how much they like their job or interests, or their passion for it, not how prestigious it is.

--your typical doctor is at least as big a schumck as the rest of us. My boyfriend can explain complex genetic processes to you, but I had to show him how to work our new can opener--and this board is filled with similar stories. We're all just out there being human and trying to do the best we can, right? I like to give doctors the benefit of the doubt and assume they understand this until they prove otherwise.

And I especially agree with the idea point that it's good to go around with your spouse while they mingle. That's usually what we do when one of us doesn't know hardly anyone at an event.

Thank you

Your posts helped me so much. I do need to give him some credit. He was introducing me to everyone. It was quite overwhelming, especially being that a great many of them are foreign and so are there names!! AFter writing, I found this quote by Kris, which summed up what I was feeling: One of the things that I found difficult during my husband's residency is that the focus seemed to be completely on the resident and their life and accomplishments. I sometimes found myself feeling envious and resentful. We make a lot of sacrifices for our spouses to attain their goals and sometimes it can be frustrating. I decided to go back to school part-time. This gave me something important that I was doing for myself. It really helped to bring me out of a slump and give me some direction. He won an award that night, Best First Year Resident and he was first runner up in an Excellence in Teaching Award. I guess I did feel a bit envious because so often people are constantly reminding me how hard he works, how I should really be there for him. Sometimes, it would be nice to hear how hard I work to take care of EVERYTHING at home. Maybe I'm being selfish. But, just being on this website today has helped me to overcome this and realize that this is just temporary. It will get better!
I am afraid of being judged too, of not being good enough because of what I do. I need to chill out and just be proud of who I am for being me. What I do for a living does not make me who I am. I'm just struggling with accepting that, for some silly unknown reason. And yes, I think I'm going to tell him tonight that if he goes to the graduation on Friday, he should take me with him and I will work harder to be more relaxed and mingle with him. Thank you both for listening. Kris, was that your quote? It's a good one!
Jessica

Thanks again

Julie,
Your post was just what I needed to hear. I know all these things, sometimes I just need to be reminded of them. I feel so much better. I have a feeling I will be coming here a great deal more often. THanks to all of you for your thoughts and support.
Jessica

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I'm just trying to figure out why I'm still listed as a guest when I post a reply. I'm just testing this. I'm also trying to change my user name to Jess

[houseelf]

Bess,

I think that anytime an outsider goes into a closed social affair, it just feels damn uncomfortable. Seriously, this could be a group of nuns, uniformed police officers, fraternity boys, physicians, whatever. An instant line is drawn between the "in group" and the "out group".Any nonmember can become uneasy in such an exclusively defined group setting.

I completely agree with the advice that you have been given here already. While my solution may not be the most P.C., my dh and I try to share a glass of wine together in a quiet nook before mingling. This means we get to spend some intimate time focusing on one another before braving the masses. It helps to have a few moments of undivided attention before having to be "on".

Also, don't feel like you have to compare accomplishments with your s.o. While all of us are enormously proud of our s.o., I can guarantee you that we are living much healthier, well-rounded lives. In otherwords, don't feel bad about yourself, feel good that you are managing to keep it all together.

By the way, if I should ever see you at one of these functions, come find me in the corner and we'll gab together.

Kelly

Last night

I'm not going with him to the Psych graduation on Friday night but I am going with him to a medicine picnic on Sunday. He said he wont' be there long on Friday. But, I shared some of your advice yesterday, and I just felt better and more self assured overall. I love this place. It's just what I needed!

[DCJenn]

I used to feel really uncomfortable at those kinds of functions but what worked for me was to befriend some of the other spouses (all male in my case) and hang out together while or spouses work the room.

And besides, I just try to remember that they're all just people. I couldn't do what they do for a living, but I also know that they couldn't do what I do, either!

Jenn

[Rapunzel]

I try not to rely on befriending other spouses to ensure a good time at professional events as everyone else has suggested because there are so few spouses in my husband's program! There is bound to be someone at some of the functions that I'll get along with swimmingly - but not always! I've learned in the past six years that I simply can't expect any spouses to be at an event - and there are a few occasions when there are several spouses/so's who are present but are not terribly interested in getting along with new people.

Well, from my point of view, being that of a stay at home dad, I had the same reservations of "self worth" when attending those type of functions.

When we would attend swanky gatherings, I would feel somewhat out of place. I haven't finished college yet, I haven't been working full time now for over 3 years (w/actual pay, anyway...). So naturally I was not worthy, or so I thought. As mentioned, I am a minority, most DW's classmates were male, most her residency mates are male (although being in Pediatrics there are more female docs...many are married to male docs!) I found it hard to find my "groove" when we are at these functions. It was much the same, DW was discussing this work related subject here, that work related subjet there....I was just out of my element. After the first formal dinner, I was ready to let her go on her own! What followed were a few dinners/picnics/happy hours that were much more informal. At these settings I found it easier to get to talk with other doctors and some spouses too. Sometimes it is just the setting of the event that can make a person uncomfortable and start to wonder if they would ever be able to do this. Sure, there are the couples be them med/non-med or med/med that will make you feel awkward, but someone stated earlier that just because they are doctors and you aren't, doesn't make you any less interesting or less of a human!!

Stick with it, you will come out of it with some great friends and possibly some life long contacts.

Thanks, Matt. We have an outdoor picnic this Sunday. We attended last year, but he didn't know anyone then. Now, he'll know tons of them. After hearing from everyone this week, I think I'll go there with much more confidence and have in the back of my mind that they are just people, just like I am. And if the one I love most is one of them, and he finds me interesting well so can they. Maybe I should think of it as . . . do I find them interesting. Then I will have more confidence. Thank you everyone.

[PrincessFiona]

picnic

Maybe I should think of it as . . . do I find them interesting.

Sounds like a great attitude! It is so easy to get caught up in wondering what other people think of us...isn't that funny. It is so much nicer to just be able to be yourself and find someone that you like to be around instead of worrying yourself to death!!!!

kris


considering taking her own advice

[Meenah]

My attitude is usually "aren't they lucky to have me here!!!!" I have reached a point in my life that I really don't care as much how these people feel about me. Most of them won't remember me next year. Good luck, and hold your head high.
Luanne