Inferiority complex

events

Its funny to read this post because we just went to my husband's end of the year picnic. I hope this doesn't sound obnoxious, but I have never had any major self-confidence issues around medical residents/attendings, etc.- - I think it helps that I have done alot in my own career and haven't had to put everything on hold as I know some medical spouses have generously done for their families. Also, my husband's medical school residents are nice and bright, but definitely no genuises there as far as I can tell even though its a solid academic program. What I generally see at these gatherings is alot of well-intentioned, driven, and utterly self-consumed young people! My advice to original poster is to remember this last thought at every event.

Also, I am wondering if any of you have advice for me not so much about confidence but about conflict management. The problem I am having is that after each event DH makes some comment that I talked too much about X, could I not mention Y, I am obsessed about talking about Z, etc. Normally, we have a supportive and pretty non-critical relationship -- we have been together for years and he has always been my biggest fan. And, prior to this, he has been pretty normal socially - - that is, not anxious about work and social events. Anyway, the first few times this happened I just tried to not talk about whatever subject had upset him the last time. However, at this picnic, it happened again and I went ballistic. (He also failed to introduce me to his program directors when they sat down at our table- - in past events, I have gone up to people and introduced myself because dh is such a nervous wreck that he forgets).

Anyway, we had a huge fight, I told him I was not going to be censored and that I had thought he had developed so much anxiety during this first year of residency that he should seek counseling instead of devoting his energy to editing me. It was/is awful. He is worried he has become rude and hypercritical (this has some truth; at least at these stupid events) and says he feels very anxious about the residency and can't shake off feeling anxious/depressed (also relevant: he has had five months of call straight and in the last few he has really started to show the strain). Even though I am TRYING not to take this to heart, I have the sinking feeling that I have let him down.

The irony of the whole situation is that I get along very well with his fellow interns, one of them is joining my new Cooking Light club, one invited me to visit her and her fiance in Greece, another one asks if I am free for parties and jokingly (we think) tells my husband he can come too. The further irony is that I try so hard with these people because I want to make my husband's residency as nice and supportive and friendly for him as possible - - other than the normal human desire not to be disliked, I don't care particularly what these people think of me and I have enough concerns about impressing my own colleagues to worry about impressing his!! However, I care enormously about what my husband thinks of me. In the pre-residency past, he would always tell me he was excited to show me off to his friends. What has changed?

Any advice? Has DH turned into a monster? Has anyone experienced this type of criticism brought on by residency events? I am torn between feeling that I am somehow not enough for DH at these stupid events, being completely ticked off that anyone thinks they have the right to micromanage my social interaction, and worrying that DH has gone off the deep end in term of stress and anxiety.

[Rapunzel]

Also, I am wondering if any of you have advice for me not so much about confidence but about conflict management. The problem I am having is that after each event DH makes some comment that I talked too much about X, could I not mention Y, I am obsessed about talking about Z, etc. Normally, we have a supportive and pretty non-critical relationship -- we have been together for years and he has always been my biggest fan. And, prior to this, he has been pretty normal socially - - that is, not anxious about work and social events. Anyway, the first few times this happened I just tried to not talk about whatever subject had upset him the last time. However, at this picnic, it happened again and I went ballistic.

Well, you hit the nail on the head with one of our major problems concerning social events at my husband's residency program. My husband, like yours, did not begin criticizing my words or actions at such events until residency began. I put up with it for about a year and a half and then told him what he was doing and how it made me feel. He was completely ignorant of his own behavior. So, after speaking to him about it the behavior has ceased and things seem much better. I have a feeling I might have to mention the issue to him again sometime in the future but generally he is quick to correct behavior that upsets me.

I would not consider your husband a monster per se. But, his habit of criticizing (ie "censoring") your words and actions during his program functions is inappropriate and hurtful. I do recommend you speak to him about this behavior (although it appears you already have) and if he corrects the problem I'd forgive him and move on. Everyone picks up bad habits occasionally in life - sometimes we learn to respond to stressful situations in negative and defeating ways. The key is to stop the behavior once it is acknowledged.

It is good that you do not get the all-too-common "inferiority complex" at your spouse's functions. I would agree with you that this is because you are not a full-time mother. It seems that many in our society - particularly in the intense and competitive medical field - do not hold full-time mothers in a high regard. Very often this attitude leaves women who do choose to take on this challenging career with the feeling that they are somehow inferior to those who earn a paycheck. I also agree with your statement, "What I generally see at these gatherings is alot of well-intentioned, driven, and utterly self-consumed young people!" How very true of the people my husband works with! Your advice to remember that thought was excellent.

I enjoyed your comments and hope that you will be able to frequent this site more often!

Jennifer

Re: events

Any advice? Has DH turned into a monster? Has anyone experienced this type of criticism brought on by residency events? I am torn between feeling that I am somehow not enough for DH at these stupid events, being completely ticked off that anyone thinks they have the right to micromanage my social interaction, and worrying that DH has gone off the deep end in term of stress and anxiety.

My advice? I think that the stress and anxiety can affect our significant others in different and profound ways. When I think about what I would be like with chronic sleep deprivation....well, probably not so nice. But, I'm not offering an excuse for his behavior -- just an possible explanation. I was pretty worried about my spouse by the end of his intern year. No doubt about it, he was depressed. He didn't have the time, energy, or inclination to do much about it. I told a friend (who already completed a similar residency) about this and she said she would be worried about him if he weren't depressed! The intern year just takes such a toll. So maybe wait a month or two to see if he starts to do better. I think you are right to take issue with being censored and monitored.

What I generally see at these gatherings is alot of well-intentioned, driven, and utterly self-consumed young people! My advice to original poster is to remember this last thought at every event.

I agree! They are well -- meaning but I think that the majority of them haven't had prior careers or interests, or a relationship with a non-medical person and therefore don't do as well socially with non-medical people. A generalization of course but it seems to hold true.

I really don't have too difficult a time with work-related social functions for Eric. Mostly, I find that they start to get boring because if I don't know anyone there and they are telling stories that tend to be funny or appreciated only by fellow residents. But I have met some residents and some of their spouses who I really like and we started to do social things with them. I think what bothers me is that there isn't much give and take conversation and most of them can only talk about their medical careers. There is little effort to understand the work I was doing when they ask, toask about our child, talk about the weather. Anything!
I'll never forget the big party that the chair of the medicine dept threw for the incoming interns. I approached (or she approached me?) one of the new interns and asked where she was from. She told me the medical school she attended. When she asked me where I was from I said -- Denver. She said, no -- which medical school. I told her I didn't go to medical school and was here with my spouse (very nicely!) and asked something else, if she liked Denver or something. She paused, mumbled something and walked away! I almost burst out laughing. Eric told me about some of her exploits throughout the intern year. She was just immature and totally lacking social skills. Hopefully, she'll pick some up!

This is a very interesting post. I have found myself in similar situations with feeling uncomfortable at medicine events. Over the years the events have gotten easier, I guess because we know more people. I think I will always feel slightly uncomfortable, though. This last party I wore a new dress and felt like I was showing too much skin. The next time I wore the dress was at a high school friend's wedding and I felt great! Now that my DH is starting fellowship there is a whole new group of people for us to get to know, and most of them are attendings! I am a bit nervous about this. Also, he is doing ID which is a very complicated topic so I'm not sure I will be able to follow any ID discussions at all. My husband is on the shy side and also has a tendency to get nervous. We already found out about the ID holiday party at the chief's house -- and we are already nervous about what to wear, how we'll get there (we don't have a car), etc!!! It's a very tight-knit group so there won't be any place for us to hide.

I will never forget the end-of-the-year party intern year. The first people we saw was an attending and his wife. My DH had treated his wife (not knowing who she was) and almost made her pass out by pressing too hard on something or other on her neck (an artery, I think). I have never seen my husband break out into such a major sweat!!!!