Hard questions - please - I need your help

Hello everyone,
My name is Lisa and like most of you, found this site while looking for sites that offered support for wives of residents. Let me explain my situation...
I am engaged to my fiance who is graduating medical school in May. We are getting married one week prior to his graduation. He matched into gen surg at Penn State in Hershey, PA (not his first choice, but happy to match anyways, as it is tough for a DO to match into a surg spot). I have never been to PA - know no one there. We currently live in Fla. (where my family lives). So, in June, I'll be packing up to move to Hershey, PA where he will begin his surgery residency. A little bit about me: I'm 24, work in public relations, been with my fiance for 6 1/2 years, into triathlons and cycling....

Here's what concerns me- I have been reading posts in the student doctor forum, and on here, about spouses whose husbands enter general surgery. I basically feel like it is a death sentence. I should expect never to see my future husband again. Forget about any time to do anything, forget about having a family, forget everything (I am crying as I type this...) My fiance has dreamed of doing surgery- he absolutely loves it. He hopes to go into academia and do research as well. He has also mentioned interest in a critical care fellowship. I have tried to convince him to please consider another residency, but this is what he wants to do.

I'm miserable enough that we're moving to Pennsylvania, and I feel like these next 5-6 years are going to ruin our relationship and that we're going to divorce. I honestly feel like it is inevitable from reading everyone's experiences. Not ONE single person has a positive experience to share with me. And meanwhile, we are planning this huge wedding, and I feel like I want to call it off at this point. I am so confused, I feel awful. I am stressed to the point of breaking down. My hair is falling out, my face has broken out, and I have been having stomach problems- all because I feel like once July 1 starts, my life will be over.

Please, please, can someone tell me it's going to be okay? Is there any way I can convince my fiance to consider another specialty? I know there is a possibility of switching during your first year of residency. Are there any other specialities that relate to gen. surg?

Thank you, thank you. At this point, I don't know what to do...I am dreading as each day approaches, and I have to think about moving and leaving the life I've built here...and all for what?

[Vanquisher]

Wow! My heart just aches for you. I can feel your pain and your worry in your post.

Yes, residency is hard. Surgery residency is brutal and will test your relationship to its core. There will be many, many tough days, weeks, and months ahead.

BUT, you CAN absolutely make it through this without divorcing and as an intact couple. It can make you strong together as you navigate through this. Take it a step at a time and a breath at a time. It can feel extremely overwhelming, and it can be, but there can also be joy. Yes, for all you reading this that know me, it is me who said that!

As for switching, it seems that your husband really wants to do surgery. Instead of trying to get him to switch, ask him to see the hardships of sugery through your eyes. Don't make him switch though. You can't. He will resent you, and you have both worked hard to get where you are thusfar. Just talk a lot and make the best decisions you can together for your lives together from here on out.

If it weren't for this impending residency, would you even consider calling your wedding off, or is this a convenient excuse? Do you want to marry him and be with him? You can make it work.

[houseelf]

Hi,

This is a tough position to be in. We are finishing up seven years of general surgery residency in Minnesota after moving here from So. Ohio as newlyweds and new parents. Because you've heard enough "truth talk", I'm going to try to give you some kernels of hope (digging very, very deep here to give you some positive news).

In no particular order, here goes:

The 80 work week has improved our lives immeasurably. I can not tell you the difference that this makes for us and if your program is compliant (HUGE IF), you will have a bit of an easier time with residency.

Although we have hit rock bottom both personally and maritally during this residency, we are stronger for it now. I honestly no longer sweat the small stuff.

DH lives his passion every day. We are getting almost unbelievable job offers now. I'm talking about staggering numbers that are almost nonsensical for his chosen subspecialty. Ironically, after seven years of residency, we've perfected how to get by on very, very little.

O.K. That's all the good will about surgery that I can summon. I hope that this is at least a start for you. Remember we are always here for you.

Hugs,

Kelly

[Michele]

I have no experience in the surg lifestyle, but I wanted to chime in with a Go Gators! We're UF alums too! I miss Florida a lot and we've only been gone 8 months! Our families are both there too.

The Vanquisher is a wise one! Seriously...she gives good advice.

[Michele]

So does our house elf! (we cross posted)

[madeintaiwan]

First off, welcome. I wanted to echo what Heidi said. I haven't been through residency yet but I know what it is like to leave everything you know behind to follow someone else's dreams. My DH is also an MS4 and will be doing ortho (Heidi and I will be soul sisters). Like Heidi said, if you love him and want to marry him, don't let his residency choice stand in the way of that. There are many many people who make it through residency still intact. And if your DH to be gets into his intern year and decides he doesn't like it, he can change. But I think that is something he will have to decide or he may resent you for deciding for him. Ortho is not something I would have chosen it, but DH has wanted to be an orthopod ever since he was a little boy. You will see your husband. You can have a family. You just have to know that you will be the one keeping your household together. And make the most of the time that you do have together. There will be people to meet, especially if you will be working too. I am sure that there are other married couples in the program. You just have to put yourself out there. When we moved for medical school I told myself I would be ok if I found 2 good friends. It didn't take long to do just that. Just take little steps and make mini goals and breath. Residency will be tough, but I am hopeful and confident that we will make it through it still intact.

[Deebs]

I won't even pretend to know what it is like to be married to a surgical resident. I do know that the way you are feeling is not unusual at all - you are not alone! You are making a ton of life changes all at once - the start of residency, getting married, moving, etc. It's really scary.
The biggest thing that helped me starting here was to find things I could do on my own. We are lucky - there are a ton of residents and fellows where we are and a lot of support for their families. But, the biggest thing that helped me was getting a job. I had my own stuff to worry about, which kept me pretty busy and preoccupied. When DH was in medical school, I worked and then decided to get my masters degree at the same time to keep myself busy. I have lots of friends that have signed up for community ed classes to keep them busy.
I also got out my calendar and booked a steady stream of visitors. We still have at least one weekend a month where someone is staying with us. The other advantage of this - our families thought they knew what I was going through, but I would still hear "tell him to take off of work so you can go on vacation," or other similar comments. Once they all started to live with us for a couple of days, they had a much better understanding of my life.
I also had a couple of girlfriends who I had weekly "phone dates" with. We would block out a consistent time each week to call each other and catch up or just talk about nothing. Again, it kept me busy.
I don't know if this is good advice for everyone, but we also got a dog at the start of residency. It helped me a ton to have something to take care of (but not as big of a committment as a baby).
I was also lucky to find spouses of residents who I could call to cry on their shoulder when this all seemed too much.
The last thing is, make the most out of DH's time off (he won't completely live at the hospital). I wouldn't want to live through residency again, and I"m very glad it's almost over, but our marriage is actually stronger for going through it, and I'm a stronger individual for going through it.
You've already taken a great first step - you've found support here!

[SuzySunshine]

Does a surgery residency suck? Yes, each in their own different way. Is it possible to talk them into something else? Well, maybe - but I don't recommend it if they will end up resenting you in the end.

I agree that the 80 hour work week is a god-send. Does my DH come home exhausted each night and almost fall asleep during dinner? Yes, but he's HOME! That is what is important to me, you have to pick your battles.

Deb hit a good point with the doing your own things. Join book clubs, bible study, girls groups, anything to get yourself out of the house.

Surgery is hard - but MANY MANY families make it through. Good luck!

Take a breathe

First off take a breathe. I would also suggest that you do a little research into the program he is going to be in. Many times they have set groups for resident spouses, like play dates, book clubs and meals. This would be a helpful way to meet people in your situation as well as do some fun things that get you firmiliar with the area and new people. Also, if you look at the AMA Alliance's website, they also offer these kinds of groups and get togethers. I am a member and they really look out for the resident families. You will make it! Just have a plan and know that it will be hard but you can do it! Good Luck!

[Deebs]

I didn't know about the AMA Alliance. I just looked it up for where we're moving to, and there's one right there. I'm going to check it out once we get there. Thank you!

I'm glad you have one! It's a good place to make connections and gain info from more experienced people! Good Luck!

[MissCrabette]

I'm of no help since I haven't been there yet, but here's my take on it.

There's no sense in stressing over something that hasn't happened yet. I'm all for educating yourself and expecting residency not to be a walk in the park. At the same time, be aware that everyone's experience is different, based on their personal circumstances, such as tolerance level and the specific residency program.

He sounds committed to surgery and it's too late to change this for this year anyway. Should you find that intern year is absolutely unbearable (although I hear most intern years are pretty tough), you can then reassess your future plans.

My point is that just because something is tough, it doesn't mean it cannot be overcome by two people who are committed to each other. Divorce rates are sky high, yet that doesn't stop two people in love from getting married. Considering failure before the start of a journey is not a bad idea in itself, just don't worry about it too much.

[Meenah]

My DH is medicine not surgery, but I'll chime in. Great advice so far. Yes, you can do it. It truly is a rollercoaster, but so is a nonmedical marriage. It sounds as if you are going into this with your eyes open, and that is a good thing. As you read through the posts here you will see we all have ups & downs. You can have a life of your own, career, school, kids, whatever you choose,as long as you understand your spouse can only offer so much while in residency. You will also be amazed at how dependent you will become on all of us!!!!!! When the website goes down we all panic!!!

Welcome, and we look forward to getting to know you.

[Vanquisher]

You will also be amazed at how dependent you will become on all of us!!!!!! When the website goes down we all panic!!!

Who me?

Flashback...

"It's still dooooown!!!"

"Did you need to say something?"

"No, but...what if someone else had something going on?" I said.

"You could just...," he started until I cut him off with my cold stare.

I repeat. I do NOT do well when this site is down. Really, there has to be someone I can pay off to have this not happen every month. This is my therapist, you know!!

[MissCrabette]

I found the backup site but the free forum there seemed to have... "expired".