Hi, before I even introduced myself, I wanted to apologize for the very long post – I felt like I needed to give you a bit of background so my post would make sense. I also hope that I posted on the appropriate board!
I’m the spouse of a doctor, not the MD kind, but the PhD kind. The reason I joined the forum is that my husband is also considering becoming the MD kind. He finished his PhD in electrical engineering last year, and although he has a great job at a successful engineering company, he is not happy with his job. He is feeling very uninspired, and wishes he had a job where he could work with people and really make a difference. He has always wanted to be a doctor, but he did not get into medical school when he applied 8 years ago (after his undergraduate degree). At the time he was accepted into the engineering program at Stanford, so he decided to do his MSc instead. He didn’t plan on doing his PhD, but he was not able to get a job after his Masters (because the tech industry was not doing very well) so he decided to continue on in school. Fast forward a few years, and well, here we are.
I wanted to start by saying that the most important thing to me is that my husband is happy, and I know that he is not in his current job. I really do feel that he has so much more to give (he has the biggest heart of anyone else I know, and is dedicated, hard working) and would be a wonderful, caring doctor. Because of this, if he really wants to go to back to school to become a doctor, I am 100% behind him. I myself (I am just finishing my PhD in child psychology) have recently decided to change career paths because I was unhappy – so I know how important it is to be happy with your job. With this said, I am very worried about what his decision to become a doctor will do to our relationship, and to our future family. I grew up in a family where my dad worked all the time and I rarely saw him. I saw what this did to my parent’s relationship, and I hated that I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with my dad growing up. Because of this, I have always been upfront with my husband that I did not want to be married to someone who worked all the time. We just turned 30, and we would like to have children in the next 5 years. This means that we would be having children while he is in the program or during his residency. My husband has made it clear to me that this is our decision, and that it is important that we make it together – but I feel stuck. I know that the reality of being a doctor is that you work long hours (especially during your residency), but I don’t want him to not pursue his dream because of this (because then he might resent me). But at the same time, I want to be honest with him and express my concerns and feelings (or I might later resent him). We have a great marriage and have always been good about communicating our feelings, but when I expressed my concerns with him about this tonight, I think he felt like I wasn’t being supportive. This upset me because I want to encourage him to follow his dream – but I feel that I also have to be honest about my concerns – I’m just not sure how to do this and be supportive. I was hoping that you might be able to offer some insight on what it is really like to have a spouse in med school and residency. How many hours per week do med students/residents really work? What is it like to have children during this time? Once he starts working, will he still maintain such long hours (I’m assuming it depends on one’s specialization)? The fact that there is a support forum for spouses of doctors makes me think that my concerns are valid!
Thanks in advance, and once again I’m sorry for the long post!
I’m the spouse of a doctor, not the MD kind, but the PhD kind. The reason I joined the forum is that my husband is also considering becoming the MD kind. He finished his PhD in electrical engineering last year, and although he has a great job at a successful engineering company, he is not happy with his job. He is feeling very uninspired, and wishes he had a job where he could work with people and really make a difference. He has always wanted to be a doctor, but he did not get into medical school when he applied 8 years ago (after his undergraduate degree). At the time he was accepted into the engineering program at Stanford, so he decided to do his MSc instead. He didn’t plan on doing his PhD, but he was not able to get a job after his Masters (because the tech industry was not doing very well) so he decided to continue on in school. Fast forward a few years, and well, here we are.
I wanted to start by saying that the most important thing to me is that my husband is happy, and I know that he is not in his current job. I really do feel that he has so much more to give (he has the biggest heart of anyone else I know, and is dedicated, hard working) and would be a wonderful, caring doctor. Because of this, if he really wants to go to back to school to become a doctor, I am 100% behind him. I myself (I am just finishing my PhD in child psychology) have recently decided to change career paths because I was unhappy – so I know how important it is to be happy with your job. With this said, I am very worried about what his decision to become a doctor will do to our relationship, and to our future family. I grew up in a family where my dad worked all the time and I rarely saw him. I saw what this did to my parent’s relationship, and I hated that I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with my dad growing up. Because of this, I have always been upfront with my husband that I did not want to be married to someone who worked all the time. We just turned 30, and we would like to have children in the next 5 years. This means that we would be having children while he is in the program or during his residency. My husband has made it clear to me that this is our decision, and that it is important that we make it together – but I feel stuck. I know that the reality of being a doctor is that you work long hours (especially during your residency), but I don’t want him to not pursue his dream because of this (because then he might resent me). But at the same time, I want to be honest with him and express my concerns and feelings (or I might later resent him). We have a great marriage and have always been good about communicating our feelings, but when I expressed my concerns with him about this tonight, I think he felt like I wasn’t being supportive. This upset me because I want to encourage him to follow his dream – but I feel that I also have to be honest about my concerns – I’m just not sure how to do this and be supportive. I was hoping that you might be able to offer some insight on what it is really like to have a spouse in med school and residency. How many hours per week do med students/residents really work? What is it like to have children during this time? Once he starts working, will he still maintain such long hours (I’m assuming it depends on one’s specialization)? The fact that there is a support forum for spouses of doctors makes me think that my concerns are valid!
Thanks in advance, and once again I’m sorry for the long post!
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