Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

How often are your husbands, wives really able to be home during med school, residency, etc? Does it depend on each individual or is it across the board pretty much the same?

Are many holidays, special events, funerals missed due to the demanding schedules of MDs and those pursuing to be MDs?? If so, do you all just force yourself to get used to it? How? Staying busy of course, but I mean we marry these people bc we want to be with them. Not alone most of the time, right?

Just wondering

[Flynn]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Residency? He was rarely home. He missed unlimited funerals, weddings etc. etc.
Fellowship? Same story.

Residency + Fellowship = 9 years

Post training? We see him all the time. It's the rule rather than the exception.

During training we had to take one day or week at a time and just DEAL. It sucked.
Post training we had to choose our job VERY carefully or fall into the same "live to work" attitude.

Search past storylines on this site. This topic has been talked about quite a bit.

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Thank you for your reply Flynn. I have been reading through many and have noticed a trend. The spouse, gf, fiance of the MD has two choices. get used to the lifestyle, adapt to it or walk away.

To me this is disheartening. Life is short and why should so many important events have to be sacrificed for the sake of a career? Medical, more so bc you have those lovely on call hours, pagers, dying patients, its as though the list goes on and on even once the MD finishes residency,intern, fellow, setting up a practice or going into a specialty.

The Lord knows that I know that our world needs doctors, but so much irreplaceable time is taken away from the family...

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Residency? He was rarely home. He missed unlimited funerals, weddings etc. etc.

Ditto on residency end.

We're only 1/2 through, so I can't speak to what post-residency life will be like...but I can make a guess. I've known the man for 16 years. NSG residency did not make him this way; he was like this before. I don't blame the Program or the specialty. He'll always be like this. You take a person as you find them, not try to force them to be someone they're not. Do I wish he were different? Yes. But that's not going to happen, so my choices are simple: stay and be miserable, resenting the fact he won't change; leave him; or stay and don't be miserable and make the best of it. I refuse to be miserable (his mom did that being married to his ever-absent MD father), and I decided long ago that I would rather be married to him and deal with his absence related to work than not to be married to him and deal with his absence permanently. So I just make the best of it and he does his best to not completely live in his head and at work ALL the time. and

However, I should add that I am not a "he's gotta be around and go with me to everything" kind of person. Some folks are; I'm just not. I am actually pretty cool with it--most of the time--which is why the Life works OK for us. I think what bothers me ocassionally is the sinking suspicion that, if I were a different person and needed him around more, he wouldn't be there because he can't change his stripes. Maybe I am not giving him enough credit, though.

I don't look at my life as "sacrificing happiness for work." I look at my life as "sacrificing some things (like more time together) for a really good reason." I mean, somebody's gotta be a neurosurgeon, right?--not everybody can go into a more lifestyle-friendly residency. DH feels like this is what he is being called to do and he's going to be good at it and he's really happy. As long as my kids are happy and healthy and have a good relationship with DH, and we have a strong marriage, it's worth the sacrifice to me. I'm not saying that people who would not look at it this way are unsupportive spouses or anything like that. I firmly believe that every couple is different and what attitude and coping mechanisms may work for one couple might not work for another.

Be encouraged, though: if your partner does not want to live to work, they can definitely make choices post-residency to make that happen.

[Tenacious_D]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

For med school, I think it's personal. My DH had a really good study plan and was either in class, on a rotation or home with me. He could easily study in the apartment with me and my headphones on....he managed to cook dinner every night for the past 4 years (except when we ordered out or he had an overnight rotation). It differs depending study habits etc. Of course residency will be dramatically different but part of why DH is doing rads is so he can continue to have a family oriented lifestyle. I hope this helps and remember to stay positive!

[MrsK]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Med school, for what it's worth, is not nearly so bad as everyone says it is. At least not for us. There have been maybe four months of really bad (month before Step 1, surg rotation, ob/gyn rotation, current away rotation), but otherwise really manageable.

I think DrK actually had more free time than I did when he was in medical school.

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

I decided long ago that I would rather be married to him and deal with his absence related to work than not to be married to him and deal with his absence permanently. So I just make the best of it and he does his best to not completely live in his head and at work ALL the time. and

This is how I always look at the situations as well, he is gone alot but I would rather have him the little time I do than never at all. As a spouse of a doctor you do have some times of being lonely but you also appreciate them more when they are there than you otherwise would. The amount of time they work depends greatly on the field they choose as well as the program. I have moments of being miserable with his career but that is every now and then, I am fine most of the time. With DH I do not expect him to be with me most holidays or for funerals but he does have 3 weeks of vacation plus they are giving him a week off for Christmas as well as an additional week for a conference if he chooses. His usual work weeks are about 80 hours but it seems like alot more than it is, I still see him an average of 4 hours a night. Medical school I saw him alot the last 2 years, ecspecially his 4th year, I worked alot more than he did in his 4th year of medical school. The life of a medical spouse is what you both make it.

[alison]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

We were long distance while dh was in medical school, so I can't really comment on those years. Residency has been rough. I find that Anesthesia has the reputation for being a lighter specialty when it comes to training, but the reality of it for dh has been that the more seniority and experience he gains, the more the work gets piled on. In addition, dh's program sees the highest number of neurosurgical cases in our city, and one of the highest in the nation. So, it makes a busy service even busier.

We don't have a good track record as far as holidays and special events are concerned, but really, the 5 weeks off/year that he gets is MUCH more than most working people see.

I'll be glad when training is over. I think there is a lot of flexibility in dh's specialty with respect to how much he works.

[mommax3]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Med school was not that bad. Residency (he finished in 2001) was pretty brutal. Life as an attending is full of missed holidays and birthdays and lots of single-parenting moments for me, but we have learned through the years to be flexible about when we celebrate things, and the single-parenting thing is what it is. It limits the things I can pursue for myself, because I have no back up, but my boys know their dad, and DH and I have a really good relationship.

I would agree that a lot of the work stuff during the attending years is specialty-dependent, with DH's specialty (OB/Gyn) being on the sucky end of the continuum. I didn't know the total reality of life when he chose the specialty, but I had a pretty good idea it would be challenging. Still, he is happy in his work, and his work provides very well for us, so most of the time I *choose* to be happy as well.

Sally

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

We don't see him a lot...haven't for years, but we make the most of our time together! When he is home the first priority tends to be the kids which is fine with me, but we do try to schedule date nights

There is no 80 our rule in Canada and in PGY2 and PGY3 he worked roughly 130+ hours a week...we got through and I'm not even bitter....much We had a great group of friends in ortho and it made all the difference.

Fellowship 1 was a breeze....best year of my life living on the beach in Australia. He did a lot of call, but it was home call and nothing too stressful.

Italy was ROUGH...but the kids and I did a lot of touring and made it through. (he was gone by 5 am and home no earlier than 10 PM)

Fellowship 3 is INTENSE and we see him rarely...almost half done though and after this many years training what's a few more to do what he truly feels passionate about? Oncology is important to him so this is "his time" and when he is done and working then it will be "my turn"

He generally appreciates every sacrifice we make and I know that every holiday or fun thing he misses makes him even more sad than us. Has it been easy? Nope...would I do anything different? Nope.

Hoping the attending hood is a bit better, but we will never have anything close to 9-5.

[uneditedtales]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

I guess I am gonna start every post with "i know exactly what you mean"...Its definitely challenging and I find myself questioning if this is what I want...to get used to being alone, to get used to not having dinner together etc. But then I also think about the time we have together and how much it means to both of us. My boyfriend tells me that I am his top most priority, when I know that I can't possibly be..not with med school. So, I guess its getting used to being the "second top priority' and when thats ok...i think things start to seem a little less overwhelming. Just my 2 cents.

http://editedtales.blogspot.com/

[DCJenn]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

I think the general rules are 1) You know what your non-negotiables are. 2) You learn to deal with the inevitable.

Medical school- we were dating and he was gone for 64% (I did the math) of the 14 months we dated. Sucked but oh well, the rotations were planned way before I entered the picture. I was also working and discovering all kinds of badness there so it was ok to a certain extent because I was working a LOT.

Residency- before the 80 hours. Parts sucked, parts didn't. I went to lots of family functions on my own.

Fellowship- sucked ASS. Hated it. The only good thing that happened during fellowship was that we adopted our son. (which was also an equally long and sucky process)

Attendinghood- well, other than that pesky little deployment to Iraq, monthly trips to Ft. Hood and lots of weekends on-call- it's not so bad. At least he's 'usually' home by 6pm. (he is in for 'morning report' at 7:30am)

Jenn

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

The MD BF is in his intern year and it is disheartening to hear fellowship will suck ASS. Great. I already told him I get t pick where we go after this residency is over even though I know it will not be up to me. It never is...the process takes your life over and dictates your choices usually.

Looking forward to struggling to make new friends in another new city, being away from the family and generally unappreciated for some time. I am not even going to think about holidays. The probablem with the limited free time is that you usually end up feeling resentful when he doesn't spend it with you after you haven't seen him all week...and reading the paper to feel normal is more important than you. Geez....

[madeintaiwan]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

I think the whole medical journey is pretty sucky but varies depending on the individual(s); student/resident and spouse.

Medical School: Even with 2 children and being half the country away from family, medical school was pretty cake for us. With rare exceptions the first two years DH went to school at 6am and came home by 5pm. Unless there was an exam he rarely studied at home. He played basketball two nights a week and participated in other ECs but was typically home for dinner every night. Clerkships weren't too brutal; general surgery, ob/gyn, and ortho were the most time consuming. Aside from being away from family, match was definitely the biggest source of stress.

Residency: We are only in PGY2 but intern year was pretty cake too. NSG was the worst time for us, DH worked 130 hrs a week. Aside from NSG, DH worked 80-100 hrs a week and intern year was pretty smooth. However, after 4 months in a row of ortho trauma and having a newborn, PGY2 has rocked me. It has been much much harder than intern year. And we are still half the country away from family.

Holidays/time off: In the past five years we have only spent one Xmas with family; and it was with DH's family. I have not been to my home in over 2 years. It will be 3 by the time I do get to go home. Last year DH was on call for tday and had to work on Xmas. He has missed my birthday for 5 years in a row.

DH will be doing a one year fellowship in another city, wherever he matches, after we are finished with residency in 3.75 years. We will move with 3 kids to a new city only to move again a year later.

It is what it is. You make the best of what you have. There are good times and there are plenty of bad times. We go on with our lives and if DH is able to be here, great, if not, life goes on. I refuse to let my children feel sorry for themselves because their father has to work. People have jobs. People have to work. Life goes on. They know their dad loves them and spends time with them when he can. You can not allow medicine to consume your life.

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

It really is family to family, person to person, and then whatever life throws your way in that time frame.

For instance Davita's experience

Medical School: Even with 2 children and being half the country away from family, medical school was pretty cake for us. With rare exceptions the first two years DH went to school at 6am and came home by 5pm. Unless there was an exam he rarely studied at home. He played basketball two nights a week and participated in other ECs but was typically home for dinner every night. Clerkships weren't too brutal; general surgery, ob/gyn, and ortho were the most time consuming. Aside from being away from family, match was definitely the biggest source of stress.

was not my experience, and our DH"s went to the same medical school, and I had two kids as well. The first two years I ate dinner alone half the week and DH would come home at 7-9 pm quite regularly. There of course were days he came home at 3:00, but most often he was studying at the coffee shop or library. It wasn't the worst thing ever but I remember Davita was bummed her DH wasn't home for dinner in MS3 and by that time I hadn't even thought of DH being home regularly. DH was really stressed those two years. He now looks back to that time, and says he never wants to work his but off that much or care that much again. I think this a place everyone hits at some point in medicine. MS3-4 Was hit or miss, rotations took a lot of time, some sucked, and DH did what he could to put in more time in those that meant more to him. Also MS4 was a time everyone else I knew DH's took easy rotations at the end of the year, not my DH he made every minute count and didn't do anything super light. All in all, DH was not home a lot in medical school (but way more than residency) but there were often days he was home early and we went to the zoo midweek as a family. We dealt, we lived by family so the blow was way worse in residency.

Residency intern year about broke me. We left home for the first time, I am a people person, and found myself in a place with no people, no husband, and I was on the track to a bad place. After being married for 8 years I was beginning to have the first question of, what am I doing, for the first time in our marriage. I really didn't know if I was going to be ok. About six months in, things got better, but mostly I found people and developed friendships. DH often went 4 days w/out seeing the kids, and me, I'd see him for an hour or two which included getting dressed and eating (I clocked it). His days off were mostly days he worked until 7 that morning. So his day "off" was actually a half day where he slept part of the day. This year is tremendously better. So much so I really can't complain. He works 10 hour shifts mostly, has four off service rotations, and works more at home than he did first year (research etc). Next year he'll work 8 hour shifts mainly and moonlight as much as possible and look for jobs. This is the difference between EM and surgery. Davita's DH works a much more intense residency and for longer. Each family is different and have different goals, each person is different and experiences things in a myriad of ways. As you can see people can live the same life but walk in different shoes. I guess I'd say just be vocal about what you can chew off and remain open to the many unknowns medicine will throw your way.