Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

I think the whole medical journey is pretty sucky but varies depending on the individual(s); student/resident and spouse.

Holidays/time off: In the past five years we have only spent one Xmas with family; and it was with DH's family. I have not been to my home in over 2 years. It will be 3 by the time I do get to go home. Last year DH was on call for tday and had to work on Xmas. He has missed my birthday for 5 years in a row.

It is what it is. You make the best of what you have. There are good times and there are plenty of bad times. We go on with our lives and if DH is able to be here, great, if not, life goes on. I refuse to let my children feel sorry for themselves because their father has to work. People have jobs. People have to work. Life goes on. They know their dad loves them and spends time with them when he can. You can not allow medicine to consume your life.

I agree that we have to learn to make the best of the medical journey. Thats why I am so interested in everyones experiences! I think I have a long way to go on my learning, adapting curve here because quite frankly, I dont like the medical lifestyle but am too much in love with my fiance to let him go. Sometimes I wish he were still just a simple journalist, but at the same time we never know when our spouses or future spouses may choose another career...

You all are so strong. I admire each of you for finding ways to cope or just get on with it (life, that is!)

I need to learn to be more independent, extroverted, confident in us that we will make our marriage work and much more!

Please keep the stories coming, I enjoy reading each of them!

[MrsC]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

We started off with a terrible experience but much has changed.
DH began in a surgery residency. For that year and a half, it was bad.
On a 'normal' rotation he worked from 5am to 7 or 8pm with 4 calls a month. Then he had night float for a couple of months, 6pm to 9 or 11am the following day and still had call. Away rotations were the worst and there were a lot of them. He had q3 and q2 call (I know it's illegal but it still happens). Call was anywhere from 24 to 36 hours with no sleep and often he didn't get a chance to eat.
In the meantime, I was having trouble finding a job, in a new country, homesick, didn't know anyone and it was our first time living together. To say that it put a strain on our relationship was an understatement.

Then he decided to change programs and life became easier.
As an Anesthesia resident, DH works from 5 to 6am to 5pm most days. On some rotations he finishes earlier, others he finishes later but 5pm in the norm. On his worst months, he has three in-house calls but he has had many months with 1 or no call. Again, his most difficult rotation was an away one (seems to be a pattern there).
Overall, we're much happier. It can be rough but what residency isn't. I think our marriage is stronger for it. His switching of residencies may have been our saving grace, well, we'll never know.
I think I'm used to him being on call etc. I've learned to deal with it, to accept the fact that it will have an impact on our lives and to know that an end is in sight.

DH thinks that the reason we've managed so well is because I'm 'low maintenance', his words . I guess I am. I don't want for much and enjoy spending time on my own. I was thinking recently about how he used to talk about moonlighting and I would flip, saying that he spent enough time at work. Now I'm pushing him to do it cause dammit he could make in a day what I make in a week. I guess my attitude has changed. I also think that he has more respect for the sacrafices I've made and now that he's not so blinded by work he can see them, accept them and realize that not everyone would do it.

[alison]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

The "only" thing ( ) I really wanted last year was to have Thanksgiving together. It was a busy rotation and dh was granted Thanksgiving home call for liver transplants. As luck would have it, dh went in at 7am and didn't come home until 10pm that evening. I was crushed, because Thanksgiving is one of the big ones for my family. Over Christmas last year, someone volunteered to take dh's call, because she knew that he had been there all day over Thanksgiving. That was so nice!

Anesthesia is great for a life outside of the hospital. Dh's hospital is busy busy busy, so he's on in-house call far more often than MrsC's, it seems. There are still days - even in his final year - that are as bad as internship year, where dh doesn't see food/drink until 10 hours after having arrived at the hospital. It's hard on me to know that he still gets raked over the coals at work, but what can you do? He's got a little over 7 months to go of residency. It DOES end!

[MrsC]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Anesthesia is great for a life outside of the hospital. Dh's hospital is busy busy busy, so he's on in-house call far more often than MrsC's, it seems. There are still days - even in his final year - that are as bad as internship year, where dh doesn't see food/drink until 10 hours after having arrived at the hospital. It's hard on me to know that he still gets raked over the coals at work, but what can you do? He's got a little over 7 months to go of residency. It DOES end!

This is something I forgot to add, when DH is on call, he's busy all night because it's a level 1 trauma center. It is rough when they've come so far and still get killed when they're on call. You would think chief year would be a bit better.
I don't know why he doesn't have many calls. I think it's a combination of luck and the fact that there are a lot of CRNA's on at night. Or maybe it just seems like little call compared to surgery :huh:
I better not jinx it

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

We have only been together for residency and post-residency.

as others have said - residency SUCKED. My husband was not in a demanding specialty, but his program was a disaster when it came to the schedule. And about the 80 hours - we were post the rule, but he was still there over 80.

Now, my cousin went through a different program, was able to get to most family functions and had her schedule three months in advance. I think a lot depends on the program.

Post residency - well, right now we are in the midst of the longest relocation in history [okay, it's been over a month and we are still not settled!] but we put ourselves in a position to take a big break before practice. He is home all the time now. It will be nice when it is not so much feast or famine!!

[moonlight]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

MS1- It was a hard year because DH studied very hard 7 days a week. We also were dealing with living in a different country for the first time. We were able to spend xmas with family, but Thanksgiving was not a official holiday in another country (duh) so we spend it on the island.

MS2- DH's classes where very challenging, we started to get the grove living away from 'home', and the stress of Step 1 studying really ramped up. The pressure from that exam was on both of us. I really felt the need to keep things copasetic at home so he could do what he needed to do. Again, we missed Thanksgiving but moved home right before xmas.

MS3- We relocated to the north east at the start of MS3. It was super hard because DH's rotations did not allow him any time off for Thanksgiving or Christmas. He worked both days. It was really sad not being home.

MS4- We are back closer to home and can jet out of town to make it to birthdays, parties, baby showers, and all that fun stuff! I'm so close to home now I even go home for weekends whenever I like! I feel very lucky that DH's call has been next to nothing the last half of MS3 and all of MS4 so far.

Many times over the years people always ask me 'where is your husband?' But I just don't let it bother me. There isn't much he can do about it, and our friends and family understand our situation. The thing recently that is kinda annoying is the fact that DH is dead asleep by 10pm and sometimes by 8:30! Although I see him plenty and we can hang out with friends on the weekends, he it totally dead sleepy. Everyone knows and understands that he will likely fall asleep in your living room if we are there past 10pm!!! It's so embarrassing for me, but people don't mind! As I him, everyone says "ahh let him sleep!'

[MrsMD]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Medical school has been fairly easy. I would say third year was the worst. My husband is definitely a gunner and studied his butt off but we still managed to travel frequently and only had a few times when I was really frustrated. All being said, each medical school curriculum is different. It also depends if your SO is going to specialize in which case grades and board scores count huge. There are many student we know who are wanting to go into FP or IM and don't have to worry so much about nailing honors because there are tons of residency spaces available.

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

This is my first post so HELLO everyone. I am the wife of a 3rd year medical student and is interested in going into anesthesiology. Couple questions... how competitive is anesthesiology? What and where are the good programs? We live in the south but that doesn't mean we are limiting ourselves to the area. All of this stuff just makes nervous. It's kinda sinking in that he will be a doctor in a little over a year. Granted it is not over but it shows some progress.

I look forward to getting to know more of you.

Thanks,
Manda

[ladymoreta]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Hi!

Yay! Another anesthesia wife! As far as picking programs, a "good" program depends on what you want from it. There are some that are considered good because they get a ton of clinical experience, but that means that you will see him a lot less because he's at work a lot. There are others that are considered good because they are relatively family friendly, but he'll have to focus while he's at work so he can learn all he needs to. If he's wanting to do a fellowship after residency, looking at the percentage of residents who go on can tell him a lot. Also, check their accreditation to make sure they're not on the fence, because it would stink to get halfway through residency and learn that it didn't count.

Good luck, and we're looking forward to getting to know you! Post often!

[RELLA]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Hey everyone, Gary will be a 3rd year med student end of May. We don't see him very much since he is in Grenada and we are in Florida. I keep worrying that he will forget us and turn into one of those career crazed maniacs and not make family his priority. But, like one of you said, I would rather be with him and handle his frequent abscences than not have him in my life at all. It's just so incredibly hard sometimes. We have a 2 year old son and 4 year old daughter plus obnoxious family dog Zeus. He hardly ever calls and when he does it's usually about something he needs. I feel annoyed.

[moonlight]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Hey everyone, Gary will be a 3rd year med student end of May. We don't see him very much since he is in Grenada and we are in Florida. I keep worrying that he will forget us and turn into one of those career crazed maniacs and not make family his priority. But, like one of you said, I would rather be with him and handle his frequent abscences than not have him in my life at all. It's just so incredibly hard sometimes. We have a 2 year old son and 4 year old daughter plus obnoxious family dog Zeus. He hardly ever calls and when he does it's usually about something he needs. I feel annoyed.

Hi there and welcome to the group! I am also a spouse of a Caribbean med student. And welcome to the special kind of hell that is Caribbean med school life. I know what you are going through!! It's hard to be apart and it's hard to be together during the first couple of years. What semester is your husband? How much longer does he have to go on the island? Again, welcome and I'm here for ya!!

[RELLA]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Hey everyone, Gary will be a 3rd year med student end of May. We don't see him very much since he is in Grenada and we are in Florida. I keep worrying that he will forget us and turn into one of those career crazed maniacs and not make family his priority. But, like one of you said, I would rather be with him and handle his frequent abscences than not have him in my life at all. It's just so incredibly hard sometimes. We have a 2 year old son and 4 year old daughter plus obnoxious family dog Zeus. He hardly ever calls and when he does it's usually about something he needs. I feel annoyed.

Hi there and welcome to the group! I am also a spouse of a Caribbean med student. And welcome to the special kind of hell that is Caribbean med school life. I know what you are going through!! It's hard to be apart and it's hard to be together during the first couple of years. What semester is your husband? How much longer does he have to go on the island? Again, welcome and I'm here for ya!!

Hi! He has one more term down there and then he comes home in May. USMLE1 is in August, then he goes to NYC. Do you have children? It doesn't help that it's so expensive to call from down there. You could spend 50$ on a 15 minute conversation. It's crazy. He is supposed to come home for 3 days March 7th, but to be honest with you, I'm not really looking forward to it because the adjustment to him being back for such a short time is so difficult. Do you know what I mean? Then, before you know it he's gone again. I feel like we don't even know each other anymore. We know nothing about each other's lives. We have completely different lifestyles. I am so afraid that he will choose the 'glamour' of being a physician over his family. hone:

[ladymoreta]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Hi!

Are you going to be able to move to New York with him? That sounds really tough, if you have to live apart for four whole years! That kind of move is much more do-able. You have a lot of supportive friends here, and we're looking forward to getting to know you. Post often!

[poky]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Rella -

Welcome, and I'm glad you found us!

I really don't want to minimize the difficulty of what you're going through. I know it's really really tough.

I'm curious about this from another thread, though:

I have always said you can't be a doctor AND have a family. I really believe that.

Not to belabor the obvious, but your SO has a family and is working to become a doctor.
It sounds like you don't believe that's possible, like at some point he's going to have to choose one or the other, and frankly, it sounds like you're resigned to him already having chosen medicine over his family.

Can I ask *why* you think he can't do both? This board has a lot of examples of doctors who do manage to be doctors AND have families, and their spouses are here to testify that while school and residency can be hard, if the doctor wants it badly enough, they can actually do a decent job of both once they're attendings. Why do you think Gary can't?

[RELLA]

Re: Want to know what you all are experiencing or have experienc

Hi!

Are you going to be able to move to New York with him? That sounds really tough, if you have to live apart for four whole years! That kind of move is much more do-able. You have a lot of supportive friends here, and we're looking forward to getting to know you. Post often!

No, I'm not moving there. I grew up in New York and I hate it there. Plus my daughter is in school down here and all my friends and supports and job (most importantly) is here. I know it would be possible to re-locate, but I dont' think it would be worth it to see him 5 minutes a day. I noticed on a different forum that I belong to that the med students communicate with their spouses (via phone, e-mail etc) a lot more than he seems to do with me. I used to e-mail him every day, but now I have stopped trying. I am scared for our relationship.