First Year Residency, Second Week the fights begin

[houseelf]

Welcome again. You have written a text book residency-in-marriage post. Unfortunately, this is par for the course and sometimes you just have to ride it out. It sucks. You are completely entitled to how you feel. With that being said, this is probably how things are going to look for awhile. They do get better, however.

Stick around. We'd love to get to know you better.

[radwife]

Hi! Welcome to the forum. I found this site at the start of residency too. It's been very helpful for getting through intern year. It's comforting to know that someone else out there "get's it".

You both are going through a big transition right now trying to figure out a new routine. He's likely overwhelmed with PGY-1 in ortho and doesn't know how to handle things yet. There will be lots of ups and downs during first year of residency as he gains and looses confidence with each rotation. Hang in there. Keep communicating.

As for the event you two were going to attend -- Be prepared to be flying solo to a lot of events. Embrace your inner single girl and try to enjoy it. It's hard and it sucks sometimes, but there will be many more things he likely won't be able to attend.

Looking forward to getting to know you more!

[ladymoreta]

I'm so sorry you missed the benefit. Residency sucks. That's why we get a bunch of new members in July/August, and as we're fond of saying, there's not a support site for plumbers' spouses. (Not knocking plumbers, it's just the example for a generic not-medical profession.) And we'll never think you're whining. Heck, I broke down and cried when DH said he couldn't be sure he'd get off work in time to watch our baby so I could go see Eclipse. (not my proudest moment...)

I've also gotten used to going places alone. It gets so much better when you're not waiting on the Dr. to do stuff. Just live your life, and he can come along when he's able. If he's guaranteed some time off - like vacations (which aren't always guaranteed - DH had a conference during his last year), focus on making that couple time. But for the daily stuff, just assume he won't be there, and sometimes you'll be pleasantly surprised!

[Meenah]

DH has been out of training for alot of years and I go to many things alone. If we do go together we usually take two cars. Like everyone else has said, it is best to live your life the way you want to and let him fit in when he can. We cannot change the ugly beast known as medicine. From what I know and have seen, surgery is really tough, and Ortho is one of the tougher subspecialties. That is why there are so many of us here on this site, and many of us have been out of training for awhile. Life is never "normal" compared to non-medical lifestyles. Hospitals and patients do not disappear evenings and weekends, and they seem to multiply on holidays.

Thank you all so much for the support! It's so funny that someone mentioned embrace your inner single girl because that's exactly what I had said about going out and that I was so happy to be able to still have fun with my girlfriends but not have to worry about whatever. And then I think in a moment of selfishness I just had had it (two weeks in haha).

I'm trying to keep my head up, and I am learning to treat this as a long distance relationship. I see you when I can and I hope we can fit in time together.

I promise to have more interesting not whining stories. Such as today, I had to walk onto the hospital for a meeting of my own and standing out front waiting by a food court was none other than my DH (to-be-someday?). So it was a pleasent suprise to see him for those five minutes.

I'll learn to appreciate those moments

And to the mayor of crazytown--I love it! That's what he calls me!

[Meenah]

I promise to have more interesting not whining stories

This is why we exist here. It is OK to whine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes there will be many weeks / months that whining is about all you can muster (not to scare you). There will also be happy times. We are here for both, for the long haul.

Wow! I was just talking to my sister about this exact same thing. When he's gone and I go out and do things with friends, I feel so guilty. I'd gotten used to doing things together for so long that now I almost feel like we've broken up or something because I don't see him that often. I think the hardest part for me is knowing that it's ok to do things alone or with friends. I just hope that I get over this guilt...and fast!

I totally understand the guilt! Because I know I would be upset if the roles were reversed. But, I do know that I can't feel guilt, because the other option is to sit around the house and do nothing--which I think is far worse! What year is your DH in?

I think I'm slowly, but surely getting over the guilt. He is a PGY-1 in OB/Gyn, and they have night float, which is the worst. At least this year they changed the night float to one week at a time instead of a month at a time. I think a whole month would have driven me crazy!

Oh man! We start Night Float next weekend. I'm so upset, it's for six weeks. But I figured out today that I better suck up this rotation and not yell because next one will be worse. I don't even know how to make us be happy for the next six weeks since we will only see each other for five minutes a day if that...girlfriends be ready!

Ugh, night float was not fun. I think we got to see each other for about 5 minutes in the morning. It was always nice to come home to a note though (at least it showed he was thinking of me). I'm not sure if it's specific to OB, but nights seemed to be bad since it seems those babies always want to come at night, so I never got a phone call or anything. I made certain to have something planned for every night, just to keep myself busy. I'm sure I'll come to cherish the time alone, but not so much right now.

[Thirteen]

Not sure if this has been said yet, but it worked for us, so maybe it will work for you.
We have a "time-out" phrase/word that my DH and I came up with to keep the argument from escalating into a bigger fight. Of course, the key here is that we can and will return to the discussion at a later time, when the emotion is not running so high.

In the middle of a heated argument, one of us will use the phrase and it ends the talk. Much better than the alternative... where I take off his head with my lashing tongue!

[MrsK]

I'm just getting around to meeting all the recent newcomers. I don't know whether anyone answered this for you but "DH" means dear husband (or damned husband, depending on your mood).

Don't rely on your DH for much socialization or companionship right now. Medical wives need to be pretty independent. Make plans to go out with your friends and let him miss you a bit.

[labmouse]

hi melissa,

its okay.. we are all in the same boat here.. I am one-month married to a peds PGY-1 and we have moved from our home country back in the tropical regions to here in the US... trust me.. we also fought in the second week of marriage... had crying nights and i am home bound doing domestic chores as well (not to mention that i used to work in academic field back at home).. so here i am.. laundry.. cleaning and cooking mostly...with him having 12 hours shifts at the moment.. talking is almost an impossible task... so we had an arrangement... pick a time suitable for talking (eg...if he works in the morning.. then breakfast...would be best time to talk.. since he is still fresh from bed)... when he comes back.... he bathes.. sits down for dinner... and drop off to bed... in the middle of doing those things.. are just a zombie mode that i can't get any response from... other than the occasional uhm...ya..i know.. kinda response.. what is far worst with me is that my family and friends are far far away.... so if you feel sad.. don't be... its just not worth it...

another thing i do when i am down (when he is not around) and bored.. is that i list down the things i have in my life (and i tell myself to stop whining)... examples can be: I have a house.. i have a car...i have food in the fridge... i am not drowned in debts... i am married to a doctor husband who is smart...caring at times and loving (occasionally)... and the list goes on... trust me... by the end you will feel much better...or you could simply vent in these forums =)

newly wedded to peds PGY-1...
labmouse